in telling my friend to move back in with his dad as a carer?

[knitpicker]

The back story is that my friend's mum died two years ago. She was the primary carer for her DH, he is now 86. Since his wife died this man rarely leaves the house, neglects his personal hygiene and doesn't eat properly. He had a fall two weeks ago where he ended up lying naked on his bedroom floor for 12 hours until my friend, worried that he couldn't reach him by phone, called by and found him.
My firend lives alone on the other side of the city. he is in a long distance relationship and has been for about two years. I think he should rent out his house and move in to be there for his dad mornings and evenings. TBH his dad has detoriated steadily recently and I don't think he has long left in this world. Yes, there would be sacrifices involved but I think it's the least he could do. He has 4 other siblings only one of which is in a position to help him and she has told him that 'Dad would want us to live our lives'. I find that attitude quite shocking. AIBU to pressure support him to live with his dad?

Not for you to tell him what to do surely?

I think the home help would be withdrawn leaving him on his own. Don't downplay the actual reality of looking after your parents' hygiene and personal care needs. My mom and dad certainly don't want me to do that for them and they are my parents - I don't want to change the dynamic to me being the parent.

If he lives in the same town, a much more workable scenario is that he visits everyday, even if for only an hour. That is more manageable than completely changing his life.

I have the outmost respect for carers of their elderly parents - it is a very difficult job and definitely isn't something someone should be forced into.

YABU.
My Dad is currently paying carers to come in 4 times a day to help him, he's 86 and has just had a hip replacement after a fall.

He hasn't asked me to move in with him, nor would he, and if he did I'd say no.
My first priority is DD, who would hate to have to travel to school, or be moved schools, and live in a house where she'd have to walk on eggshells.
I love my Dad, but he's a pita, he wants things all his way, which is fine, but why should I have to live his way?

I have a life too.

I see him as much as I can which is less than I'd like as my health isn't great either, but no way, never, will I live with him.

I wouldn't do it to myself, never mind DD.

I meant to go on to say, than when my health is improved, I hope to do a lot more for my Dad, but living with him won't ever happen.

Have you ever cared for an older person yourself? I used to think as you do even after I had seen mum care for her father.

Now Dad cares for mum and the demands on him are relentless. Her particular needs are very great. I'm not sure I could do what he does without becoming mentally ill myself. Every situation is different. So YABU.

FWIW even with Dad as full time carer mum did 'qualify' for SS assistance for getting up etc but Dad cancelled it because it was stressing mum out, half the people who came were not particuarly nice or motivated, half of them came very late and the 'contribution' they wanted was over £200 a week and Dad decided it wasn't worth it.

Am puzzled why you think your friend should give up his home - if the Dad needs care surely he should move in with the son?

Oh, and I know very well what it's like to care for old people, as I work (or did, before my health failed me) in a Care Home.

I think the idea that caring for your elderly parents is an "obligation" is abhorrent. People have children for many reasons (often selfish), which should not automatically render their offspring responsible for their care later in life.

Of course, all situations are different and many cope well, but I am a district nurse and have seen first hand the strain of caring for an elderly relative can take over time on even the most willing. You say he may not have long left, how do you know? He could have years.

As mentioned, there are interventions available through social services to help people stay in their own home such as carers, but also daycare can be arranged for the social/company aspect and to get him out of the house for a few hours.

Give your opinion certainly, but try hard not to be judgemental whatever is decided..if your friend does decide to move in, they will need all the support they can get!

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions - yes, they now have an alarm etc. I haven't mentioned my position to my friend for a while, I agree it has to be his decision but it looks like he probably won't move in and I will support that decision even if I don't agree with him.
netto I think my friend should be the one to move for practical reasons, downstairs bathrooms and bedrooms etc.
mooma Dh and I cared for his uncle for a number of years. Initally we were just occasional company - he would call in on his way home from the pub (to my shame we sometimes pretended we had already gone to bed)or I would creep off and let DH sit up and chat. We did all his DIY, putting up shelves, changing lightbulbs etc. Then for six horrendous months we cared for him in all the stages of terminal cancer -including the nappies and spoonfeeding. He was eventually moved to a hospice where he died two weeks later.
DH and I have agreed we would go through it again for any one of my parents or his. However, for a variety of reasons I can't see my parents wanting us to be their carers but it's very likely we will be for both of DH's parents.

cptart do you really find it abhorrent? I would certainly feel that the welfare of my elderly relatives is my responsibility and as many people have pointed out you can't always trust those you employ or care homes.

I think its just the suggestion of "obligation" being abhorrent. Of course there is some responsibility involved, but the elderly person must also take some of that responsibility for their own wellbeing, and in my experience many fail to do that - ofen refusing social service carers or to more to suitable accomadation simply because they don't want to pay!

It's certainly a prickly area.
I live in Ireland and many people who thought they had made provision for their old age (my own parents included) now find that the money is all gone - bank shares especially eeeek.