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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick strawpoll - WIBU to ask DP not to go to a stag night tonight?

28 replies

CinnabarRed · 18/03/2011 07:46

Will abide by the general consensus!

DP and I are on holiday in Cornwall. He's been invited to a stag do tonight (it was supposed to be today too, but the day part is too far away for him to get to). It will take him 2.5 hours to get to the evening part.

When he first mentioned it, I agreed happily that he should go with my blessing. However, that was months ago. Since then both DS1 (3.4) and DS2 (11 months) have stopped sleeping through the night. DS1 gets night terrors between 9 and midnight, sometimes accompanied by vomitting. DS2 used to sleep through with a dreamfeed, but for the past month has been waking every couple of hours between midnight and 6 for no particularly obvious reason. It has Bern more than a month since I had more than three hours sleep in a row, and more than 3 months since I had more than 4 hours sleep in a row.

DP usually helps me with DS1, but is often too deeply asleep to help with DS2.

We also discovered in the New Year that I'm pregnant - currently 14 weeks.

The stag is someone DP used to work with four years ago. He sees him perhaps once a year. The real reason for going is because his best friends will be there. He doesn't see them very often because we live 2 hours away from them - perhaps once a month. When he does see them he stays out overnight.

DP last went out for the night with his best friends last Friday (overnight). He also spent all day at the rugby with his Dad in Sunday.

I have had evenings out, but no nights away because DP finds it hard to cope with both boys together.

If he goes to the stag do then he'll take the car. The boys and I will be left on the farm where we're staying. There's stuff for DS1 to do - feeding the animals, soft play, sandpit, trampoline - but nothing much for DS2.

DP will be back at lunchtime on Saturday.

DS2 and I both have tummy upsets at the moment.

OP posts:
tulpe · 18/03/2011 07:54

I was going to say YABU but it seems a little more complicated than that.

When you say DP can't cope with DCs by himself - is that your interpretation or is that his POV? If its your interpretation then perhaps you need to try it once or twice and give yourself a much needed overnight break.

He has seen his mates last weekend and had time to himself with rugby. You are on a family holiday and you and DS are unwell so no YANBU to ask him not to go. If he hadn't seen them for months on end then I would be more forgiving.

tulpe · 18/03/2011 07:55

Oh and anyway, re the not coping overnight - they are his children and he will just have to learn to cope. The way we all do.

Happylander · 18/03/2011 07:57

I am quite easy going when it comes to things like this usually i.e. partners going to stag do's/nights out. However, you are on holiday and he should be with you giving you some form of break. It sounds like you have had a hard time lately. Won't be much of a holiday for you if you DP goes away. So I think YANBU for saying to DP that you would prefer it if he stayed. Plus he never lets you have a night away.......if that was my DP I would be saying you don't get another night away unless I get one. Or unless he goes away and then when he comes back you book yourself into a spa for 48 hours and have lots of treaments Grin

Gottakeepchanging · 18/03/2011 07:59

Not too unwell to me on mn though?

I think that you are being totally unreasonable. When we make agreements we should keep them. If you have tummy upsets a quiet day atbthe farm is ideal. Early night. You won't need a car if you are Ill with tummy upsets anyway

catzcream · 18/03/2011 08:05

OP - you have my sympathies.

But sort of sounds as though you have dug yourself into a bit of a hole. The bottom line is that if your DP is able to get away for overnighters, then so should you. He has to learn to cope.

In your situation (and I have been in similar, preggers with DC and I i unwell), DH needed to go away while we were on holiday. I absolutely insisted that he kept his committment (I think once you have kids it is important to get time away for yourself), but when he returned, my earplugs went in, I slept as long as I wanted to.

The real issue here isnt the stag do, but it is the fact that you havent had uninterrrupted sleep for a such a long time. THAT is the part you need to get sorted and PRONTO.

bupcakesandcunting · 18/03/2011 08:11

"Not too unwell to me on mn though?"

Oh please. She said they had upset tummies, not that they're dying of tuberculosis Hmm

Usually I would say YABU to anyone asking this question but a few things are making me think YANBU. Mainly that you're on a family holiday. I would say YANBU.

ElsieR · 18/03/2011 08:15

I agree with Catzcream, trade his night out against a couple of nights where he has to deal with the children on his own.
He'd win because he'll go to his stag night and you'll win as you will be able to catch up on your sleep and he'll also learn what an undertaking it is to deal on your own with children who don't sleep so well at night.
And then hopefully that will make him think about it twice before he goes out overnight again. Or am I being over-optimistic?

wolfhound · 18/03/2011 08:18

Will he make a fuss / be resentful? My DH would choose not to go in this situation, don't think I'd need to ask him. But he hates stag do's anyway, so would hardly be a sacrifice.

curlymama · 18/03/2011 08:18

I thought YWBU up until you said that he had stsyed away last Friday. And that you would be stuck without a car. But I guess you wouldn't need it anyway if you both have tummy bugs.

I think there is a fine line on this one. If he's not that bothered about going, get him to stay. But I think it's a bit off cancelling going on a stag night on the day it's supposed to happen. It's not like he's ill, and presumably you booked your holiday knowing when the satg night would be.

I think I would let him go, but also let him know he owes you a nights sleep! He could cope, he just hasn't tried. What's the worst that could happen, especially if you are there to be called on if needs be.

silverfrog · 18/03/2011 08:29

well, you new you would be on a family holiday when you agreed this, so YABU to be upset about that.

you knew he would need the car to get there, so YABU about that.

the not coping overnight on his own YANBU about, but that is a separate (although linked I suppose) issue - you need ot get that sorted if you want to go away overnight.

I also don't think it is reasonable ot hold up the fact that he was away last week as a reason for him not ot go - again, you knew this was coming up, you knew he wasn't pulling his weight with the overnighters etc - yet oyu agreed it. so you can't complain about that now.

it is grotty to be ill, and annoying to be without a car. but it is only a day. a quiet day around the farm will not harm anyone.

Overall, YABU, imo.

FollowMe · 18/03/2011 08:34

Not got time to write much, but a big YANBU from me!

LaurieFairyCake · 18/03/2011 08:38

I think he should go as you're on holiday and you now have all day to plan to rest.

you should go back to bed for the day and sleep and he should take them both out. That way if you sleep and rets til he leaves you will be able to stay up without feeling rough.

Just go to bed and tell him that you have to rest if you're going to cope on your own all night. You've got 10 hours to sleep til he leaves right?

I can hear your completely understandable exhaustion and resentment but your on holiday, now is not the time to have a raging argument.

domesticslattern · 18/03/2011 08:43

He should go. For the reasons silverfrog sets out. Sorry.

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 18/03/2011 08:45

Thanks for all your replies. Seems mixed so far - was kind of hoping for agreement (even if IWBU) so I could decide what to do!

To answer some questions:

DS2 won't settle at night for anyone other than me. So DP and I agree that it's hard for him to take them overnight. He has tried and tried, but DS2 won't have it and will cry until he's sick. Neither of us is happy with that. I have to be away overnight next Wednesday with work (but actually working through the night, not a jolly) so he'll have to cope then.

The holiday was booked before the stag do.

He has offered to cancel.

Normally I'm entirely relaxed about DP going away to see his mates. When I've had some sleep!

OP posts:
Escallonia · 18/03/2011 08:49

So - he has to get there for the evening? say by 6.30, which means leaving at 4.

agree with Laurie - he has to step up today and take the kids out, properly out as you will be confined to the house / farm until tomorrow lunch time. this means you also get to sleep without interuption.

make sure you are properly stocked up with nice food if you can manage it, DVDs etc for this evening.

wave him off cheerily and when he gets back tomorrow (by lunchtime right?) allow him time to nurse his hangover and then sit him down and talk through how you are exhausted and need a break - 2 nights off on your own say, and he is just going to have to shoulder the burden himself. Otherwise he is going to have to pull his weight in the night, or do a minimum of one weekend night a week (assuming he work f/t Mon-Fri).

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 18/03/2011 08:51

Oh, two more things!

First, to defend DP's honour - he does his fair share with DS1, and always has done (since I stopped breast feeding) because DS1 will settle for him.

And it's pouring with rain here, so no happy wandering around a buccolic farm for us.

OP posts:
bupcakesandcunting · 18/03/2011 08:51

This might not be entirely helpful but you are making rods for your own backs by giving in to your DSs wrt overnight stays with DH. If you want any sort of life, you are going to have to let them get on with it, I'm afraid. What happened if you HAD to be away from them for a hospital stay/family emergency?

Bogeyface · 18/03/2011 08:51

If he has offered to cancel then its a no brainer!

Take him up on it. It isnt as if its years since he saw the best friends, and you could really do with him there if only so you get a lie in tomorrow morning.

Thank him for cancelling and go back to bed!

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 18/03/2011 08:52

We both work FT.

OP posts:
Escallonia · 18/03/2011 08:52

x-posted.

the thing is, your ds2 is going to have to start adjusting isn't he? because there will be a new baby in a few months and he won't be able to have you up all night. and you're having a night away for work, so your DP (and ds2!) is going to have to deal with it then - so why say that he has to cope if you're away for work, but you're not allowed to give yourself a night off for you. You must be utterly shattered.

SnowIsFallingOnLee · 18/03/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/03/2011 08:55

Also, regarding the DS2 night thing.....he screams and screams because he knows that you will come eventually. The only way to stop that is by not giving him the reward, ie YOU. If your DH deals with him everytime he wakes, by settling him and leaving him to it then he will soon learn that there is no point in screaming his head off as he doesnt gain anything from it.

As Escallonia said, you cant be doing this when the baby comes, or even when you are heavily pregnant, so use the next couple of months to break the cycle.

SnowIsFallingOnLee · 18/03/2011 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bupcakesandcunting · 18/03/2011 08:56

Agree with Bogeyface.

fluffles · 18/03/2011 08:59

i don't think there's any problem with him going on the stag, or not going if he's not that bothered.

however, WHY is your DH not taking the boys out during the day and leaving you to sleep? if the nights are so bad and you're generally on night shift then he should take a day shift and let you catch up on sleep while you're both on holiday.

if you were rested you'd not mind at all about the stag. personally i don't really see the problem of him being away if you're not getting sleep at night anyway.

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