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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my friend a lift? She owes me money.

32 replies

Underachieving · 17/03/2011 13:14

I could probably post this in relationships but I need a quick response and so have braced myself and put this on AIBU...

My friend does not have a car and I do. She has another much closer friend who lives in the sticks with a new baby who I don't know.

The cost of taxi's from here in town to out in the sticks and back later would be £18, my friend asked me if I would do these trips for £10 so she could visit her other friend. I agreed. I was poorly that day so my DP drove her, which is fine, she knows DP just as well. Anyhow she didn't even offer him the petrol money and never mentioned it to me again. It actually costs about £8.80 to make that trip in my car, and more than £10 in DP's, but to be fair it wasn't her fault DP took her, it was my last-minute sickness that caused that, so I still think £10 is fair.

Then the other day she wanted taking to the next town (our town is tiny and most facilities are elsewhere) so I did that. This time I asked for the petrol money, she said she didn't have it and could she see me for it later. I said yes. Again this was a tenner, agreed in advance. Actual cost to me this time £7.90.

Two days later she invited me out for lunch, and paid for me, but this cost her £4-£5, it is a cafe we use a lot and so I know the prices well. By this point I am at least £11.70 out of pocket whichever way you add it up and she technically owes me £20 because lunch was not meant to be a repayment, just lunch (It was just her turn, we sort of take turns getting lunch and don't really keep tabs on it, it's just a friendly thing).

Yesterday I took her to her friends in the sticks again, £10 promised and accepted up front. This time as she was getting out the car on the second trip I asked for petrol money and she said she only had £5 and gave me that. So now I'm £15.50 out of pocket and she technically owes me £25.

I understand she might not be able to afford it, but she doesn't drive out of choice. She says driving lessons scared her. We are both equally hard up (means tested benefits) and she offered these sums herself.

In January she had an early MC and had to go to the early pregnancy unit for emergency scans. I took her. The hospital is so far away that this cost me about £20-£25 but it was an emergency and that's what friends do so I refused any suggestion of petrol money for that. For an appointment then yes, I would have, but not a life/death emergency. It is since then that she has been avoiding giving me what she promises and I have been out of pocket.

I'm meant to be seeing her later. I am quite annoyed but don't want to rock the boat because she can be firey. That said, AIBU if I never give her a lift again (except life/death situ's of course because I would do that for anyone). And AIBU if I give her excuses as to why not?

OP posts:
steamedtreaclesponge · 17/03/2011 13:17

Just be straight with her. Say that you can't afford to drive her, especially since she still owes you for previous journeys. There's no point making excuses. If she gets cross about it then you know she's just been using you. But she may have just forgotten and be terribly apologetic.

FabbyChic · 17/03/2011 13:17

I wouldnt give her another lift not on your nelly, if she asks just say no as you cannot afford the petrol, if she says she will pay, say you already owe me £25 from before and I cannot afford it.

Be honest.

GypsyMoth · 17/03/2011 13:19

yanbu

BUT.....why not pick her up and go strasight to nearest petrol station? you could then hope she takes the hint....or just ask her for it there and then saying you have no money with you

loopylou6 · 17/03/2011 13:20

Just politely tell the cheeky bitch that you are skint and can't afford the petrol, if she says she will pay it, tell her you need it up front to put in the tank and repeat every time she asks for a lift.

GypsyMoth · 17/03/2011 13:20

i know before i learned to drive i honestly thought friends were over playing the 'petrol money' card,i didnt realise it was such a cost.....with petrol prices in the news so much these days she cant be as ignorant as i was tho!!!

blackeyedsusan · 17/03/2011 13:22

don't give her more lifts. just explain that you can't afford it when you don't get the petrol money. you could carry on seeing her but NO MORE LIFTS unless she is repaying in another way. eg babysitting for you more than you do for her. I would be tempted to be short of cash when you next go to the cafe too, muttering oh you know the price of petrol has gone up again. Grin

MrsChemist · 17/03/2011 13:22

YANBU, next time say you can't afford it. If she offers to pay, then say well we'll stop off at a petrol station and I'll put a tenner in that you can pay for.

theresapotatoundermysink · 17/03/2011 13:23

Just be upfront. If she's really your friend she'll apologize and pay you back. If she gets cross about it then I'm afraid she's using you.

empirestateofmind · 17/03/2011 13:23

It doesn't sound like you can afford to be doing this for her. You are going to have to be firm but in a kindly way if you want to stay friends.

Next time she asks for a lift how about "I am sorry but I can only use my car for essential journeys as petrol costs a fortune and I have no spare cash this month". Have the bus timetable and taxi phone number to hand.

hotelsforfamilies · 17/03/2011 13:25

You are not her chauffeur and in the same situation I wouldn't provide her with transport to and from her social activities either for payment or for free.

In the case of a crisis or other exceptional situation, I would drive a friend for free even if it was a long way away because this is the kind of thing that friends do for each other.

You sound a bit afraid of this 'friend'. Try saying 'no' a few times and see if she still wants to know you.

nickschick · 17/03/2011 13:25

I see what your saying but I rather think this is a problem youve built yourself .....you need to say that you cant drive her around,you cant afford the petrol for the journeys you need to make let alone ferrying her around,ive lived 'in the sticks' and I dont drive and my dc went to school 4 miles away and I worked 4 miles away too - I walked,cycled,bussed or had lifts (offered)-its the way it goes.

Having said that I have 3 good friends who ferry me about (sometimes when I dont want/need it -im happy to walk) and when I suggested paying toward the petrol (id asked friend to collect ds a journey that uses about £6 fuel) she became quite cross Grin and said that if she had to pay me for my favours shed be well out of pocket.

flippinpeedoff · 17/03/2011 13:28

This woman is not your friend. It is generous of you to refer to her that way. But make no mistake here, she might be many things, but friend is not one of them.

starfishmummy · 17/03/2011 13:29

Just be upfront and tell her that you thought you had an agreement that she would reimburse you, as you are making the journeys specifically for her and are considerably out of pocket.

belledechocchipcookie · 17/03/2011 13:30

I'd just say that petrol is very expensive and you are only just managing as it is without driving for journeys that you havn't accounted for. A good friend would offer and pay, I paid my friend for the petrol when she took me to see my father in hospital. I would have used public transport but it was Sunday and an emergency Sad

AlaskaHQ · 17/03/2011 13:32

Running a car costs a lot more than the petrol as well (finance costs, service, MOT) - I think you are being very generous only just covering the petrol costs, and she is being unreasonable not actually paying you for that as agreed.

If you are both on a similar budget that is really really unfair of her.

I personally would hate having to use the "I can't afford the petrol" argument as to why you need her to pay the money she owes. I don't like telling people I can't afford stuff. You shouldn't have to be chasing her for payment, when the payment was agreed, and you are doing a massive favour anyway in providing these lifts.

hotelsforfamilies · 17/03/2011 13:32

Nickschick, mutual favours among friends who help each other are different. I might be wrong but fFrom the op it doesn't sound like the favours go in both directions.

Bumblequeen · 17/03/2011 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Underachieving · 17/03/2011 13:36

The favours do not go in both directions no. Neither of us babysit for each other or anything like that. The only favour in the relationship is my driving.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 17/03/2011 13:36

A friend wouldn't ask these favours, including the money and then swerve it. She is a taker. Life is split in to takers and givers. Decide if you can handle, nay, afford, to have this taker as your 'friend'.

If you can, well, means tested benefits must be very generous, or you are great at managing your money. But you still shouldn't be bailing her out, petrol is a fortune now.

ENormaSnob · 17/03/2011 13:37

She's takin the piss.

perfumedlife · 17/03/2011 13:38

Alaska is spot on though. Why should you have to tell her you can't afford it? She damn well knows how much you are struggling if she is in a similar boat.

Just say no, I won't be doing any more lifts because you lied to me about paying for petrol.

tryingtoleave · 17/03/2011 13:39

I don't get threads like this. Surely if you are a friend then you simply give people lifts? And if you feel like you are being used and not getting anything out of the friendship then you stop being friends and stop giving lifts? I can't imagine charging or being charged by a friend.

cryhavoc · 17/03/2011 13:39

You need to be entirely honest. Moaning vaguely about the price of petrol is not going to work.

If she asks for a lift tell her that she already owes you X amount, and if she wants you to take her somewhere again you need what you are already owed and the money for the new trip before you drive anywhere.

It sounds as thought you are already feeling a bit used and put out by her attitude, so I think it is something you need to confront before simmering resentment explodes.

cryhavoc · 17/03/2011 13:42

as though

bigbeagleeyes · 17/03/2011 13:44

I would also stop offering lifts, especially as a sum of money was agreed.
I get a lot of lifts from friends and always give them petrol money.
Fuel cost's a fortune so it also makes it cheaper for them if they're going that way anyway.
I very rarely ask for lifts if it's going out of someone's way.
She's taking the piss.