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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be scared shitless of going back to work full time in case I "miss out"

28 replies

Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 09:11

Just don't know what to do for the best and am feeling daunted at the prospect of going back full time and doing long hours.

DS is just over 5 months. I'm due back at work at the end of June and we're waiting to hear about a nursery place for September (DH is a teacher and so will look after him full time over the summer).

I am well paid and earn nearly 3 times what DH does. However, my job involves long and often unpredictable hours. Work has offered me 3 days with fixed hours but this would involve a pay cut of more than 50%.

I could take the pay cut, we would just about be OK financially. BUT - this is why I am considering full time - we would like to move as currently we're in a tiny ex local authority, first floor flat in a bit of London we love. The flat is cramped and a bit grim though. We would like a bit more room for DS and to be on the ground floor so that he might have access to a bit of outdoor space. We could do this if I went back full time for about a year, saved a lump sum and got a back to work bonus. Lump sum plus equity in our flat would let us do it.

If I went back full time I would see DS in the morning and drop him at nursery. DH would collect and I might see him a couple of night s a week before he went to bed but no guarantee of that Sad.

I know I'm in a very privileged position to have the choice to go part time and that lots of women have no option but to go back full time. But AIBU to feel sad, conflicted and undecided? Would I miss out? Have no clue what to do and really struggling with the decision.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 17/03/2011 09:13

Do you have to choose now?

Sinec they have offered part time, could you go back full time, see if you like it, and if not then drop down to part time?

oranges · 17/03/2011 09:16

you won't miss out - you are still his mother, and you have an excellent reason for going back full time. You will still see him and have cheery mornings and fun weekends together. And you are building an excellent base for your little family.

justpaddling · 17/03/2011 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 09:21

Trillian, I have to get back to my boss pretty soon. I do think that I could go full time and see how it goes and ask for it to be reviewed if necessary.

peabody - I agree with you about a baby caring more about spending time with mum than having more room at home. But it's a question of timing. If we'd like to try to have a second child then really I need to do the full time thing now or when they're both much older.

OP posts:
SueWhite · 17/03/2011 09:21

Well, you do need the money - children only get more expensive as they grow. As the highest-earning parent it's your responsibility to contribute the most money to the pot. This makes you a good mother. It's great that his dad is a teacher and can do holidays as well.

DastardlyandSmuttily · 17/03/2011 09:22

Am I being dim? Are you going to be doing over 60 per cent of the work for less than 50 per cent of the pay? Is that normal?

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 09:23

I have to add that my DH is very supportive of whatever decision I make but he understands that it will be tough. He will do all he can to make things easier at home for us - cooking, cleaning etc.

Just feel totally torn. Usually really good at making decisions but just struggling.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 17/03/2011 09:23

I think it's 3 days of fixed hours rather than 5 days of long hours.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 09:31

dastardly - yes, it's 3 days fixed. So my salary will be reduced by 2/5 and then subject to a further reduction of 20% for the fixed hours. Ouch!

OP posts:
melrose · 17/03/2011 09:35

Can you compromise and do 4 days? I have had experience of this, having worked 4 days and FT since having my 2 DS. 4 days is a great compromise IMO. You don't feel "part-time" and have enough contact with work to stay in touch with everything, especially important if you line manage. The extra day a week at home makes such a diiference. I loved my day at home with DS1, and it felt like very special time. It aslo made a real difference to me being able to stay in touch with friends I had made on mat leave, meeting up on my day off. You can sometimes do 4 days without reducing to 80% too. I have a couple of colleagues who work compressed hours, so 8-6 (100%) or 8-5 (90%)although this can be tricky as it is not really a 9-5 job.

I went back FT 2 years ago as a result of a promotion and I am not sure it was the right decision. I find I never have time for anythinga nd as a result feel I am not performing to my best at work or home. I really miss the day off with DS2. PG at the moment and planning to negotiate hours back down when I go back

My DH also works 90%, having alternate Fridays off. Again this is not a huge drop in salary, but the extra day a fortnight is a real bonus to him and the DS.

Regarding costs of moving, are there other ways you could save? When we moved we added £50K more to the mortgage than we really wanted to at the same time as both reducing our hours, without much effort we reduced our outgoings to make up the extra - cancelled Sky, had a UK holiday and just planned a bit more what food to buy (the latter saved a scary amount!)

Good luck!

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 09:39

Thanks Melrose. Yep, there will be a huge austerity drive going on in our household to save as much as possible.

I could ask about 4 days and I could probably save as much if we were really careful as I could if I worked 5 days. I can see that the one day could make such a difference.

OP posts:
Makingaminime · 17/03/2011 09:43

Its a really tough decision... this sort of thing preys on my mind as well.

I wonder if you should go back full-time because it is probably easier to go from FT hours down to PT hours than the other way. Certainly this is true in my job - do you think it would be the same in yours?

You could go back FT in June and let your OH and baby have their time together until the end of the summer (this sounds fab - wish my OH was a teacher!) By then you will have an idea of whether or not you think it is working for you and whether you can stick it out.

I would be tempted to set myself a target of 3/6/9/12 months FT and save hard to put towards a new place. Then you could make a decision about how it is working out for you.

It may not be as bad as you think, or it could be worse - I think you should suck it and see, and in the meantime pull together a bit of cash for your move.

melrose · 17/03/2011 09:43

If you are used to having a fairly comfortable lifestyle it is amazing how much you can save. we also found we were spending a lot less after having DS, mainly because we were not out socilaising every weekend!

I would urge you to try to have a day at home. It really does make a huge difference!

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 09:48

Yes, I have been surprised by how little I'm spending at the moment due to the fact that I'm not buying lunch every day (as I did at work), not going to the pub much, not eating out much. Never spent much money on clothes. It was all about socialising for me!

I do want to move to somewhere bigger, but not at any cost . . .

OP posts:
Carmen123 · 17/03/2011 11:14

I think you should go back to work part time first and then, when you feel more comfortable, ask to go full time. If your work is like mine, it will be pretty tough to go from full time back to part time but much easier from part time to full time.

Also going back to work for me was a massive shock. Exactly because I was wondering what will I miss today. Being part time I felt I still have two days a week + weekend to catch up with my baby. And later I moved on full time. And it was still a shock. Now we make sure we spend all our time together having fun. All other housework or chores get done when she is asleep, in the week. And like so, I don't feel I miss too much.

I had to go back to work when baby was 4 months old and then full time when she was 8 months old.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 11:47

Right, have just had coffee with a friend who works for the same employer as me and also has two young children. It was pretty helpful. I think that maybe a 4 day week is a compromise - we'd still be able to save just not so fast and I would have that one extra day with my DS which means a great deal.

We might be able to make up for the extra day by cutting other expenditure. Plus DH might be able to pick up some private tuition. I had also forgotten that I might get a pay rise this summer.

It's so hard! Why did no one tell me it was going to be hard? lol Wink.

OP posts:
Youllskimmer · 17/03/2011 12:21

As you earn 3 times as much couldn't your DH become a SAHD?

Then one parent will be around more.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 13:34

Youllskimmer - We have considered it but my DH does still earn quite a bit more than the cost of childcare. However, the bigger issue is that he absolutely loves his job and would miss it hugely. He would find other stuff to do whilst at home and he would be a great SAHD but I can't ask him to give up a job he adores.

OP posts:
Balsam · 17/03/2011 13:47

YANBU to be struggling with the decision. I had sleepless nights trying to decide what to about going back to work. It's one of the biggest decisions you will make - take heart that it's not just you!

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 13:49

Balsam - I was indeed up most of last night running through the options and that's why I decided to post this morning. It's a tough one, that's for sure!

OP posts:
Desperateforthinnerthighs · 17/03/2011 14:12

I would go back full time and see how you go and if need be and you can, drop down to part time.

I went back to work when DS was 4 months old and was full of guilt....however, I soon got used to it and years down the line DS is 8 and at school, I still have my job and I reckon I get the best of both worlds, my own identity at work and my mummy time in the evenings/weekends.

Make sure guilt is not a factor which is stopping you!!

ineedagoodsolicitor · 17/03/2011 15:09

Seriously, in this economic climate, I'd opt to go back full-time, save like mad and set a date for when you hope to drop to part-time so that if it is hard emotionally/physically you know it isn't forever, there is a finite period of time for which you have to endure it and it sounds like your ds will be supportive.

That larger home with easier outdoor access will be so useful if you decide to have dc2 Wink.

Possibly look into salary sacrifice for childcare vouchers if relevant to save tax.

Will you always have the option to drop to part-time fixed hours though ?

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 17/03/2011 16:26

ineedagoodsolicitor - yes I have signed up for childcare vouchers.

It's easier for me to do part time/fixed now as I can just negotiate it on my return to work. I don't know how sympathetic they'll be to me trying to do it when I've already been back full time for a year though.

OP posts:
coccyx · 17/03/2011 17:38

you will miss out , how can you not?? Will he be asleep the whole time at nursery???? no.
I would go part time. They grow up too quickly

sux2bsanta · 17/03/2011 18:10

Disagree. Go back full-time.