to think that a once a month visit to my parents is all we can manage?

[CheerfulYank]

They live a five hour drive away. We have one DS (three and a half) who is their only grandchild at this point.

I love my parents; my dad and I are especially close. My mother...well, we've gotten better since DS was born :o We never had serious issues, it was just a bit rocky for awhile in my teens and later, because she didn't approve of DH and decided to tell me so a month before the wedding. It's all reconciled now as he's turned out to be a wonderful husband and father just as I said he'd be. So anyway, no major problems, but making that long of a drive more than once a month has proven impossible as well as really expensive.

Nothing extreme has been said, but my mom has started to make noises about not seeing DS enough. She does come see him when she can, but it's not always possible for her either. We talk on the phone almost every day and have just installed Skype so she can see him more often.

I think part of the issue is that DH's parents are only about ten minutes away and see DS at least a few times a week. So, anyway, AIBU?

Once a month is more than we do! We have a 4 hour drive to see my parents and go up every 6 weeks/2 months-we have 5 year old and 7month old.
They come down once in that time or we try to meet halfway.
Meeting somewhere halfway every now and then for few hours might be your better option.
That's my parents, my mother in law is in belfast and hence a flight away. We encourage her to come over and sometimes go on holiday with us so we see her every 3-4 months
My father in law is a waste of space and we havent seen him for 4 years!

We also have skype which we use with them both

So no YANBU

Well, if she can't manage the drive that often she should understand that neither can you. A five hour drive with a toddler sounds absolutely no fun at all. I don't like having mine in the car for more than an hour if I can avoid it.

My in-laws live an 8 hour drive or 40 minute flight away. We visit once or twice a year, they visit once or twice a year. My mum sees DD a couple of times a week. It's just the way things are.

I think that if your mum and you hadn't had issues back in the day, you wouldn't worry, but because of that history you're conscious of the relationship dynamics.

That's entirely possible Tortoise. Also I grew up a 20 hour drive from both sets of grandparents (and all other extended family) and only saw them a few times a year at most. My brother was (is) unreliable, and with the issues my mom and I had...I never had the sense of a good support system IYSWIM? I think I want that for DS.

My parents live an hour and a half away and we go to see them about once every 3 or 4 months.
They come and see us about once a week/fortnight.
I would not do a 5 hour drive more than once a year (with kids) and I'm Australian and used to long distances.
Could you consider saying something along the lines of "It would be lovely if you could move closer and see DGS more often!"

Yanbu

my parents are 30 mins away and we go 4/5 times per year.

A 5 hr drive once a month is more than enough!

YANBU.

Its not your fault that DHs parents live closer. My DS (3.1) is a bad traveller and after his short nap and less than a hour into a journey, he won't stop asking when we are getting out and crying about it. Its a bloody nightmare.

If you can't afford it, she should understand that. It sounds like jealously to me, she isn't seeing as much of your DS as your ILs.

My ILs live in our city and we don't see them more than once a month, if that.

I think you do incredibly well to do that drive once a month! I have a 3-year-old and my parents live 2+ hours away and I go up every 2-3 months. I don't work and I could go up there more often, but quite honestly I can't be bothered. The last time I saw them was Christmas and we're going up for Mother's Day (3rd April). So please don't feel bad. Your mother is bloody lucky you go as often as you do.

YANBU, you make the effort when you can, you phone and skype, what more do they expect?!

If they can't do the journey more often, then they can't expect you to be able to either. You are the one with teh small child to fund and entertain!

YANBU

Im 5 hours from all my family...

I havent been down since Xmas, and am pregnant at the moment and i know that when baby is born every 8 weeks or will be tops

I can tell you now in 2011 im going down
Next week (annual extended family meal)
Easter (to see everyone)
May bank holiday (friends wedding)
a week in July (a holiday and my cousins from ireland come then, its our once aq year chance to see the,)
October.. with 4 - 7 weekish old. (dads and sisters birthday, introduce baby and great south run that OH will run... dont want to plan a 5 hour journey when baby is any youger
Christmas for a week

so about every 2 months of average. I cant see it ever being more often, and may well become 4 or so times per year

YANBU. 5 hours once a month! You must be a saint and, as you said, it costs a lot of money now.

I have a friend with one brother. She, the bro and parents all live far from each other, so they meet up in a midway point where none of them lives about once every three months. She sees her parents about every 6 weeks, with them coming here or my friend going there. Sometimes they go away for the weekend all together, but only in school hols, or she goes alone with the DC as her DH can't always get time off work.

I think your parents need to be a bit more understanding. The kind of time you spend together with your Ils is a bit different, I should think. You probably don't see them for whole days when you do see them. That's what happens with my friend. She sees her ILs for cups of tea, etc, ie only for an hour or two at a time. She only sees them for a longer period every few months.

I have asked her how it is as I know that her family is very close emotionally, even though they aren't geographically. She said that they always make an effort to visit, but only every 6 weeks/two months (according to school terms, usually).

YANBU. We visit my family (just over 2 hours away) on average once every 2 months. Can't afford the petrol any more frequently. Sounds like you're doing more than enough.

you do a 5 hour drive to visit them ONCE a month with a preschooler and you talk every day!!! I am fashioning a shiny medal for you because in my book that is actually some achievement!

YANBU. If they seriously want to see their only GC more, perhaps they need to think about buying cheap advance train fares, or even relocating closer to you?

5hr trip there, 5 hr trip back once a month and she is complaining?

i find that very odd HOWEVER the only important thing here is:

you should only visit as often as you want, and can afford, to

Obviously what you want varies depending on how close you are, how easy your toddler travels (i wouldn't even do that trip ever 3 months with our 2 at that age, i just wouldn't force them to do that, sorry), how well you can fit it around work/whatever.

But I think the fact is that you're not happy to visit more often. And I think you just need to smile and politely remind them that it's not going to be possible to visit more often, but they are more than welcome to visit you.

honestly, just stand your ground on this without causing a huge row about it.

they are getting far more visits than your average family would be happy about OR be able to afford imho.

just remind yourself of that, keep smiling, and repeat "i'm afraid that's not going to be possible" as your mantra when they bring it up.

Once a month is pretty bloody impressive for a 5 hour drive with the age of your DCs.

Seeing your ILs more is not favouritism it's geography.

jesus i just saw mentions of you speaking every day to them too

one word: boundaries!

they need to start respecting the draws on YOUR time at some point, surely? if you don't do that now, what else will they be demanding? every 2nd Christmas at their place, so you never get it at your own because then you have to go to the-inlaws the other times ? (for all i know actually they might already do this - they sound like the sort)

You go once a MONTH?
My parents live 350 miles from us, and we go there once a YEAR.

I wouldn't be able to contemplate that any where near as often as once a month to be honest. Especially with the cost of fuel now, but as much because of the time factor and general exhaustion from long drives.

That's way more than we do! We live in Kent, and DH's family are in Wales - about 5 hrs drive like you. We only go in the holidays, and stay a couple of nights each time. There's no way we could do it once a month. My family are all in Kent too, so of course we see them more often. It's just the way of the world these days - would be lovely if we all lived in the same town and could pop round whenever we wanted but I don't know anyone who is that lucky.

YANBU, that would be a once or twice a year trip for me as well. As well as the cost and stress for you, it can't be very nice for your DS being cooped up in the car for 5 hours at a time on a regular basis. I hated long car journeys as a child...

I think once a month is good going. If she wants to see more of you they should make the effort once a month then you would she would see you every 2 weeks!!

My in laws live about 6 hours away and we go up about 3 times a year. It is a bit too far to go for the weekend so we usually go up when we have time off school/work for about 5 days at a time. They however only come once a year and then complain they don't see us enough. They have all the school holidays off so they have time. They call everyday usually.

We live 4-5 hours away from all our parents, and only see them every 2-3 months. We probably visit them 2-3 times a year, and they visit us the rest of the time. Seems fair to us. Of course they'd like to see him more but we just live a long way away so that's how it is. No way we'd visit every month - the petrol alone would basically take all our disposable income every month.

We have a 3.5 hour drive and a ferry- we go over once or twice a year but they come to us more frequently as they can visit other family at the same time, so we end up seeing them nearly every month and I speak to my mum at least once a week.

Fabulous...I knew I wasn't BU but I was worried I was going to get lots of responses saying "they're your parents...you have to make an effort...they won't be around forever..." (which, they're only 50, so barring unforseen circumstances they may be around for quite some time :) )

It's not every month, for instance we didn't go in February at all.

Some other details:

We live in the US (in the Midwest) so most people here are used to driving long distances to get anywhere. Also, we do meet up in a halfway point occasionally, but it's hard going in the winter (thirty or forty below temps here is the norm, and it's hard to do much with DS then...bundling him up in a million layers, etc.)

They have been talking of moving, but with our housing economy the way it is I think it would be awhile before they sell the house, and they can't afford to move with it unsold.

Anyway, glad I have the consensus of mumsnet behind me :)

I live 180 miles away from my parents, which should take 3.5 hours, but usually takes upto 5 hours.
I go every christmas.

I have been once since christmas, but that's only because my new nephew was born.
that was 2 months after christmas.

YANBU.
I would say, that if they really want to see you more often, they should come to you every other month and you go to them the same number of times.
'tis only fair.