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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want some privacy in pregnancy? (long sorry)

37 replies

BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 00:51

AIBU to feel that my baby is my baby, and as such my partner and I should be the ones who get to tell people the good news when we feel we're ready, and that we have the right to say we don't want the news or photos splashed all over the internet?

We had our 12 week scan on Thursday and had to go back today (Wednesday) as there was a problem with babies bladder. We were very worried and I'd made it clear I wanted to wait to see what happened before starting to tell more family members.

Fortunately everything was fine and we came home elated, but I'd left my facebook logged on and some aunties and cousins had messaged me saying "Congratulations!". They'd heard the news through a chain of 3 people leading back to my nan. My dad had been so excited about breaking the news to them and now he can't. I'm probably being hormonal and over sensitive but I just feel like my baby is being treated as gossip, there was no respect for my wishes to wait a while.

I also made it clear to my partners family that I don't want them posting anything "to the world" on facebook. It just feels wrong to me, I don't use the site much now and this is a personal experience, not something for any Tom Dick or Harry to read about or see snap shots of. But lo and behold, they've started already... Tags and status updates.

I know it's not just my news, and they're all just so excited sigh. But what if things hadn't of been ok? I lost my last one at around 19 weeks so maybe that's why I'm so protective/defensive this time round.

I think it's just that I feel like baby isn't even here yet and already I'm losing control, no one seems to be listening to what I think are reasonable requests - wait. Keep stum. No facebook.

Someone back me up or gimme a big slap of perspective Sad . Everyone's saying it's me. I know I know, I should just be happy that baby is fine! And I am Smile . Although I don't think I'll relax about that until it's here in my arms. This has just upset me and I needed to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 00:54

Incidentally I probably would have waited myself until after the next scan to tell anyone else. I just wanted it to be a close group of people until I feel more secure.

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/03/2011 01:08

YANBU. I never ever comment on FB on friends I know to be pregnant, unless they specifically post something about it.

I would be annoyed about people not listening to your perfectly reasonable request to keep it quiet until you are ready to tell people.

Having said that, there was just one time for me when it was forgivable. I was pregnant with dd1. My mum had lost 4 babies after me, so was ecstatic for me but suitably cautious. She told me not to tell anyone until after my scan, and I agreed. Sadly she was also very ill (had been for years) and she died when I was only 10 weeks pregnant. At the funeral, I lost count of the number of people who sidled up to me to ask how I "was". Turned out mum had told them all, but assured them she was telling noone else, as it was a huge secret!! It meant I had to tell the (few) who didn't know and the funeral ended on a happier note. I couldn't hold it against her, really!

But in your case, you are being completely reasonable. And even if you weren't it is YOUR baby and YOUR news! I'd be annoyed too!

KatieMiddleton · 17/03/2011 01:14

Yabu. If you don't want people to say anything don't tell them!

Sadly it only gets worse. Dignity, privacy, a sense of casual abandon all disappear once you have children. Often the dc are the cause but it starts before they're even born.

Stick to just telling people what you're happy to go out to the world. Don't post photos or scan pics if you don't want them re-posted. And although it is your baby it is someone else's grandchild or niece/nephew and that's big news for them.

Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 01:18

Oh bless your mum. My mum lost 13 in a row and I think when I lost mine I thought "Oh no! I must have a problem too!" so I've got a lot of feelings tied up in this baby that no one else seems to understand. I almost feel that to get excited will jinx it, like I watched so many times with mum.

Thank you for agreeing with me. Actually just writing it down has made me calm down a lot! I know their hearts are in the right place but I need to make them understand now that this is my baby and they need to listen to me dagnammit! Smile

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Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 01:21

Katie Yep, I totally get that side too. As I say, I've calmed down now. Hormone blip??

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KatieMiddleton · 17/03/2011 01:28

Maybe hormones but it is annoying to go from being a person to just a baby-vessel. When people started addressing the bump and telling me to "think of the baby" I was vvvv pissed off. But I realised it was a waste of energy to be annoyed about something I wasn't going to be able to change.

I did draw the line at having my bump felt .

Pick your battles and you'll be fine. And congratulations! Smile

Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/03/2011 01:33

BigBabyBoots- I totally understand. After watching my mum go through a m/c, a molar pregnancy and 2 late stillborn babies, I never ever took anything for granted. Happily, I had 3 children and no problems, and have never quite gotten over how lucky that makes me. All my friends/ acquaintances seem to breeze through without even thinking it might go wrong, but I could never do that. With my 3rd, I felt the whole time that I had pushed my luck, so I really get where you are coming from. But other people who have'nt had that experience just seem to assume everything will be fine and act accordingly, although given your sad previous experience, I would have expected them to be more sensitive Sad

As I said before, YANBU, but try to accept that it is only because they are so happy for you. I would say that I'm sure everything will be fine, but I know that won't stop you worrying! really wish you all the best. enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby, when he/she arrives Smile

Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 01:39

I am the almighty incubator. Hear my roar.

I've had cups of tea snatched out of my hands, been ordered to quit work, had a take away taken away, and countless lectures on what I'm doing wrong, as well as the bump AND boob grabbing! I need to find a nice cave... Build a nice lil nest and sleep for the next 6 months and 18 years.

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Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 01:44

Thank you jooly. I keep trying to tell myself "If it had never happened you wouldn't feel this way, so just pretend it didn't because there's no logical reason to think it has to happen again".

To be fair, some of my extended family weren't very sympathetic to my mother either. When she had lost 5 or 6 already my gran commented "My hamsters are better at breeding than you" which utterly destroyed her at the time! Another reason I didn't want some people to know grrr. I think I'd kill em.

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beijingaling · 17/03/2011 01:49

Urm... YANBU but, in the nicest possible way, you need to zip on a spine and learn to tell people to fuck off.

beijingaling · 17/03/2011 01:51

Sorry that sounds very rude of me but I'm angry on your behalf for being lectured at. Time to get angry at them too!

Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 01:51

Hahaha. That's what I did. And now they're not talking to me Hmm

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Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 01:54

x post. I can stand my ground, but when it keeps happening I do try to step back and assess - if so many people are saying something then you need to look at whether it really is you. So I came here, and now I know it's them I can carry on!

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 17/03/2011 02:04

Shock Shock at your gran. Your poor mum!

You're right, logically there is no reason to think the worst, that is the best way to think. But I appreciate logic doesn't always come into it! Is it your family or your DH/DPs that's been spreading the word? If the latter, could he have a quiet word?

beijingaling · 17/03/2011 02:10

Print out the government recommendations for food perhaps? Then you can show ppl who take tea etc off you.

I'd be happy with the silent treatment if it meant less lectures.

Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 02:19

It's both of our families. When I told DPs mum I didn't want anything on facebook I just got a "Yeah right, ok smirk whatever" kind of response, but I didn't push it as she said she would wait until I'D put something on there (as if). Then today SIL has put things on there about baba, and when DP asked MIL she said I'd said it was fine to do that after yesterdays scan. I most certainly did not.

The silent treatment is nice and peaceful, but I couldn't stand another family feud! It's always me that has to apologise though damnit. Stubborn asses.

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Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 02:21

Oh incidentally, I have nothing against people who do use facebook to shout it to the world, it's just not for me. As soon as it's born that will probably change, it's just right now...

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TechnoKitten · 17/03/2011 02:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all especially given your past history. If I were in that situation I would remind them all - firmly - that my private health details (which includes pregnancy) is mine to divulge to whom I please, when I please. Not theirs. I would request that any Facebook postings be deleted.

And finally I would tell them that given they can't accept your wishes regarding how and when news is relayed, next time you'll be informing them after any event.

People who think they can tell others information regarding me without clearing it with me first make me so angry .

Original poster
BigBabyBoots · 17/03/2011 02:43

I'm already thinking that should I be blessed with a DC2 they'll hear about it a month after the birth!

I get just as angry when people give my phone number out without asking - it's not yours to give!

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MrsBloomingTroll · 17/03/2011 07:41

YANBU.

A friend of mine's pregnancy was "outed" on Facebook by a mutual friend and it caused hurt to family members who hadn't yet been told.

When we told close family about my current pregnancy, we imposed a strict Facebook ban. We were met by some "yeah, right" comments at first but then made it 100% clear that we were deadly serious, and repeated our position several times over. Having had issues ttc, and with friends in the same position, we wanted to be able to break the news to them sensitively in due course.

As it happens, when we had the 12-week scan and felt able to tell more people, a couple of Facebook friends had just suffered bereavements and so announcing our news on there didn't feel appropriate anyway.

I still haven't said anything directly on Facebook (getting on for 20 weeks now) but have called/texted important friends and family and we're letting the news spread organically from there. It was so much easier with DC1 when Facebook wasn't as prevalent!

I did have to remove a few posts from over-excited people on my Facebook wall, and have since disabled my Facebook wall.

I understand to some extent that people are excited about being a cousin/aunt/whatever but it it YOUR baby and YOUR news to share.

FWIW, this is my DC2 and there is definitely less excitement this time around compared to last, which suits me just fine!

wellwisher · 17/03/2011 07:48

YANBU. Have you now ramped up your privacy settings so that noboday can tag you, write on your wall etc?

I would just refuse to give them any more info on baby's sex, name, etc. Also, DO NOT tell them when you are in labour. Announce the birth only AFTER you have told the people you care about. A decoy due date (2 weeks later than your real one) may be useful Grin

poopnscoop · 17/03/2011 07:49

I agree with you... and can understand why you'rte frustrated. I would be too!

Re Facebook, you have an option in settings that stops anyone from writing anything on your wall. Maybe do this so there aren't any comments like this... plus make your security on Facebook extra tight. If you're still unsure about it, close your Facebook account, even if only till baby is born or when it suits you to reactivate it again.

nickschick · 17/03/2011 07:55

YANBU.

My very good friend is pregnant too and Ive known she was pregnant longer than she has Hmm(she had a pain in her lower side and was v flushed and I told her I thought she was pregnant - shes been trying for 11 years!! and wouldnt beleive me)....well she is Smile and its been very tough not telling anyone as she begged me not too .....however after a scan its all looking good and she told her family -already comments have started on Fb and she is worried bcos the last time she was pregnant she miscarried and doesnt want it all over Fb until shes a bit 'safer' into it.

lilyberry · 17/03/2011 08:54

I waited to say anything on FB about my forthcoming nephew until his parents put it on their walls. They have told me the name, but it's not going on FB either.

I don't think it's that hard to realise that if the person involved hasn't announced it, then it is not for public knowledge. YANBU.

lesley33 · 17/03/2011 08:57

YABU
I totally understand why you didn't want more people to know. But I can understand from your Nan's side that she was probably excited and just wanted to tell people she was close to you.

I think if you don't want people to know, you really shouldn't tell anyone.

Yes its your and your OH's baby, but its your nan's GC and that is very important too.