Us Mums should be careful not to pass on diet fads to our DDs

[thebird]

I met up with some old school friends recently. All are mum of DDs and all are slim size 10-12s. Much of the evening was spent discussing how much time they spent at the gym, how may spinning, boxfit classes they went to in the week and also the merits of Weightwathers, Slimming World and other diet plans etc. Good for them I though until....

One of the mums then said how she was in the gym a week after the birth of her 2nd DD as part of her latest diet weighs her cereal in the morning. In the next breath she said how worried she is about eldest DD aged 3 as she was such a fussy eater and underweight. Much nodding around the table as many other also had DDs who are fussy eaters. Now I am a great believer in healthy living and exercise but also very aware not to make food an 'issue' as I had a flatmate who was bulimic. Girls pick up on these things so easily! All I'm saying is great if you want to diet and go to the gym but maybe less losing weight talk and food/self weighing in front of the kids.

Quite right - but it should be the responsibility of both parents not to pass on any kind of diet/food fads to DDs and DSs - men can be equally funny about food and exercise (granted, it may not be as prevalant, but it does happen)

I think your point is sound, but your justification for it is a bit smug and judgy, and not all that well reasoned. Women in my family are naturally slim, I have never known my mum to be on a diet or watching what she eats, never saw or heard her comment negatively about her own appearance and as a result I've never worried about it either, I don't really understand the whole dieting thing TBH. And yet my sister is a fussy eater. I suppose fussiness could be caused if parents are constantly fussing over calories and whether this or that food is good or bad or how much of it to have etc etc, but I think fussiness can just be part of a child's nature as well. Often they grow out of it and worrying about it isn't going to make that happen any quicker.

YANBU

Talking about diets and body issues in front of children, especially girls, is unwise imo.

They will soon enough get the message from the media that a woman's place is worrying about her thighs and feeling guilty if she eats a square meal. No need for parents to start the process early.

OTOH Lots of children are picky eaters, just because they are picky eaters.

You can't do right for doing wrong when you have a girl.
It's a constant battle to not let them put on weight, but not let them know that you are doing anything!

I've stopped buying bread, as DD was pigging it and getting bigger than she should be, but mention it, and you'd think I was starving her.

It is not a battle for all mums to stop their dds putting on weight. That's a strange statement.

For a few mums maybe.

Why for new mums?

Surely girls and boys aren't much different, until puberty at least?

Bulimia is not just about weight ...!

Again the only way forward is to give your children the ability to have some say/choice in what they eat, but just make it a wide range of foods and in reasonable portions.

I stand to be corrected, but as an evolutionary throwback, child's tastes and eating patterns change - it is a sort of self-preservatory (??) thing ... ???

I don't pander to my children's tastes - they do have choices - it is eat it or don't as there is no alternative ....

I understand that Buimia is not just about weight!

I also know that fussy eating is a phase and some kids are just plain fussy for no apparent reason like my DD2.

My point was that children could pick up the wrong message watching a parent obsess over diets and point counting especially if the person is size 10 and says she is FAT! Losing weight and being healthily is great but we might want to think about what we say or do in relation to this in the presence on little impressionable ears.

YANBU but as Flisspaps said it should be up to both parents to not encourage their children to be faddy and picky eaters, not just mothers. I have never been bothered about my weight (much). I have no idea whether this has resulted in my DD being a good eater. I think it's pure luck myself as my sister has 2 of the pickiest kids you could ever meet and seems to have same attitude to diets as me-that they're bollocks.

I do wish my MIL would not discuss her latest (crap and faddy diet) in front of my DD. She's mostly oblivious right now as she's 3 but I don't want her to think her gran has a healthy attitude to eating as imo she doesn't.

Bertie - boys are a bit heavier from very early (hence the different growth charts in the red books!), but it's girls who are showing scarily high levels of body dissatisfaction and diet-talk from the age of even 5 onwards.

There's a mumsnetter who studies this and it's very freaky how young it is these days. Boys are showing it too, but not as badly.

As for the OP - absolutely. I do recall once as an adult justifying an excessively small meal by telling myself that 'it's what Mum eats' ... MAternal dieting is a big risk factor in girls' eating disorders.

As a teacher who has a form of 15 year old girls (I am a mum of two boys though). I agree entirely with OP. All my form talk about are diets and new foods...so sad...am soooo glad I didn't hear my mum talking about diets etc all the time...ok I am overweight but I love food and am going to enjoy it!

If the parents ate healthily they wouldn't need to keep going on diets. Hopefully that's the message the kids will pick up...though it's more likely the message of 'eat what you want and then go to weightwatchers'

We lead a healthy lifestyle as a family. We eat healthily and exercise regularly.
However, my eating related problems are with my 2 dss rather than dd.
My ds1 would eat things he didn't like because I nagged him to eat veg and then make himself sick. That was a massive wake-up call for me.
Ds 2 is 8, and underweight. He doesn't eat fruit in any form but will eat several vegetables. I have decided because of my experience with ds1 not to make an issue of it. However, he was weighed at school and the Nurse phoned me. She mentioned neglect and Social Services.

I feel like I have failed both my Dss actually. I don't know what else to say

In what context did she mention neglect and social services? I mean other than your child being underweight...why would she do that?

YANBU children do pick up on these things, already my 6yo has started mentioning thin / fat etc

lazarus, what a nightmare...

my boys are quite interested in being fat and thin and about "good" and "bad" food.

They get a lot of this from the blimming SCHOOL.

They went through all their lunchboxes yesterday, and DS1 was sad and asked me why I don't give him helathy food.

As he is underweight, I give him as nutritious a packes lunch as possible, it had ham sandwich (home made brown bread, lovely stuff) and a chocolate flapjack (I want calaries into that boy!) and 100% fruit juice.

Apparently I should swap the flapjack for cucumber or carrots. I have to explain to my 5 and 8 yr old that an ideal diet does NOt consist of only fruit and veg...sorry for the rant.

It's society as a whole. I sometimes feel I am a lone voice in the desert, the last person in the world to not diet... We eat three meals a day, I would say "normal" if that still exists.

The kids keep on coming back from school with knowledge such as "pizza is a bad food".

No it isn't, AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH. Not if it is a nice homemade pizza by DH, with fresh tomato. (yes maybe if it is pizzahut rubbish). It drives me bonkers.

can't imagine what it would be like with girls, it's bad enough with boys.

People talking about their dress size (who cares?!), about their diets (boring!), about "good" and "bad" foods (nonsense, everything in moderation is fine), about "being really naughty and, ooooh, eating a piece of chocolate!"...madness

YANBU OP. And your old school friends sound soooo boring.

I do a 'normal' amount of excercise (swimming) and eat whatever I like. I don't talk about 'good' and 'bad' foods. If I want a huge piece of cake I eat it. I am a normal weight.

BUT my dcs are obsessed with food and I lay the blame firmly with the school. They think if they eat 'unhealthy' food ie anything that isn't a fruit (preferably in kebab form) or vegetable (preferably raw) then they will drop dead. If you ask ds2 what he likes to eat he will say "cucumber and carrot sticks because its healthy", not "cucumber and carrot sticks because its delicious" or "I like chocolate cake" which he does like but wouldn't admit to because he thinks that people (teachers mainly) value "healthy choices" above all else.

I am on a diet to loose baby weight from DS2. DD is 7 and knows I am on a diet & had noticed that I have lost weight. What she understands a diet is that I don't eat snack food - crisps/chocolate/sweets/biscuits/ice cream/cake etc etc. She knows I go to the gym as its healthy to keep fit - she doesn't equate that with weight loss.

She doesn't know I am doing low carb, or that I weigh myself each morning, etc etc. She said she wants to eat healthily like me - so choose an apple when DS1 had some chocolate. She is a healthy weight but towards the upper end of it, so I think this is ok. She loves her food and always polishes off everything on her plate.

Going back to the OP - many 3 YOs are naturally fussy eaters and I think its too young to pick up on the parents eating unless its very very blatent. As I said before DD is a great eater, DS1 is a nightmare (doesn't eat, very picky), I don't think at 3 its determined by the mums being on diets.

Clearly by 7/8 need to be much more careful.

It's a minefield this healthy eating thing and so difficult to get the right a balance. YANBU to say the message from schools is a bit black and white - pizza is bad and carrot sticks are good. We do not need lunch box police! Although it is helpful if schools give clear guidelines that sweets, fizzy drinks etc are not permitted. I have found this saves the arguments of so and so has a mars bar in her lunch box.

Schools are doing their best in line with national guidelines, but I wish they would focus more on the nutrition side rather than good v bad. Teach them what foods are important to make them grow strong and healthy and the merits of a balanced diet with a little treat now and then not being such a bad thing.

Haven't had time to read whole thread but just wanted to say I take DD (8) to WW meetings because I don't have any choice (can't go to later meeting as DH is not home from work at that time). It's not ideal but I try to push the 'healthy' side of it as opposed to losing weight being about how you look and I think in some ways it's actually giving quite a positive message to her - ie you may become overweight but there is something you can do about it.

I agree that girls in particular face a lot of pressure to look a certain way and are bombarded with confusing messages about eat this/do that etc. But genuine food issues such as bulimia are about much more than just food as another poster said, so I think all we as Mums can do is try and encourage as healthy an attitude to eating and body image as we can.

Also, just to say I am genuinely overweight (have lost 2 stone, another 2-3 to go) so I'm really not doing WW for vanity or obsessing needlessly about how I look!

This is a major worry with me. My mum has always been on a 'diet'. She always had little portions of tea and talked about food being 'good' or 'bad'. She wasn't obsessive, never had issues, just kind of followed the normal desire to be slim in our society.
I had major issues with food as a teen and developed anorexia and bulimia. luckily managed to keep myself out of medical treatment and did all exams etc. I recovered but do have some odd food habits still.
I really want my dd (12 months) to be normal around food and have a healthy attitude to her body. i think she's going to be like her dad (naturally lean, fast metabolism) so I'm hoping that will help. I already make sure she sees me eating and am trying to get into normal mealtimes and stuff but I think so much of what is passed down is almost subconscious.
I also remember the whole 'boys can eat girls can't thing' with my mum, me and my brother and should I have a son will not repeat this with dd.