Or Are DP's Parents Totally Money-Oriented

[nijinsky]

First time poster, so don't flay me!

Over the last few years, basically since I gave up full-time work, I've noticed increasingly snide, disaproving comments about my employment status from DP's parents. In actual fact, I gave up work to concentrate on running our rental properties and still lecture part time in my field at university level. True, we only have 3 rental properties but they are all large multiple occupancy and I do everything, from finding tenants to drawing up the leases to repainting and cleaning them when the students move out and I change to holiday lets for the summer. Its an extremely successful business and makes about the same as my (well paid) DP does. Combining this with being a solicitor was incredibly stressful and increasingly difficult to do and I make more money running the rental properties full-time. I also usually have a renovation project on the go. It was me that paid the large deposits on all of the properties from my savings!

But this is not good enough for DP's parents. During the summer when there is no lecturing, I am subjected to comments that I am "unemployed", constantly asked what work I'm doing or if I've found a job yet (although I have explained to them many, many times that I have rental properties that I manage) and constantly subjected to little digs about how I have plenty of time on my hands. When we're visiting them, its disaproved of that I go to the gym or out running (apparantly I'm "too old" at 36 to be spending much time on sport).

I'm perplexed by their attitude and can only assume they thought their DS had hit the jackpot when he started going out with a lawyer and would prefer it if I worked full-time as well as running the properties to keep him in the standard they think he should be!

Now I know much of this is because, unlike DP's two siblings, I have not yet produced children. They seem to be getting more and more rude each time we visit. They see nothing wrong with asking me to run around after them doing errands such as visiting elderly relatives of theirs they can't be bothered with, whom I've never met, or providing them with legal advice, usually about how they can challenge their brothers and sisters over inheritances, which they never listen to. They are not the slightest bit infirm and would be fit and active (if only they ever did anything!). They are wealthy, mainly due to inheritance (a great cause of dispute in their family) and generous public sector pensions.

In short, I'm really offended and have tried to drop hints but the slightest critical tone results in "not in my house" type comments and then they walk off. I find it an unpleasant, pressurised environment. I'm really close to reaching boiling point and tearing a strip out of them, which is why I'm now avoiding them. True, we only see them a few times each year, because they live 150 miles away and seem unable to visit us (despite being offered free use of a holiday let - apparantly it wasn't the most expensive period so no good to them, and even when driving past on their way to their second house in France). They have never made an effort to visit DP here, neither have his siblings. Which is OK, because we have our own social life and good friends. Unfortunately, there are certain family occasions when my "attendance is required; no excuses will be entertained" - yes that is the way they phrase it!

So what I want to know is, AIBU in not working all hours in my qualified field because I have no children yet, mainly to please his parents and to sound more impressive? DP and I are perfectly happy with our situation, we have no financial worries, a nice house and two Mercs in the drive.

Or are DP's parents just odd? His father took very early retirement from the public sector at about 53 and never worked again, his mother worked full time as a headmistress until retirement. I went to one of the best private schools, which they have never heard of, yet am subjected to comments which suggest that I have come from a poverty stricken background and am ligging it off DP!

Its clear we are slightly unpopular in the family, because they bought DP's brother's £250,000 flat for him when he was still living at home at the age of 33 - he immediately acquired a wife and a new house with a tiny mortgage, closely followed by 2 DCs and the wife being unable to work due to disability. DP's sister works hard as a mother to two children and full-time teacher. Saying that, they don't babysit for any of their grandchildren.

They just seem to have no sense of what DP and I have achieved, with no help from anyone, in a far more difficult economic climate than they spent their working years in. How do I maintain a cordial relationship with these people?

Gottakeepchanging - yes, I guess I am insecure about it, I almost feel guilty for no longer getting two busses into work in the city centre for 8am, staying til 6.30pm, often working 6 or 7 day weeks and being under pressure to produce difficult work fast and bring in new clients. Don't know why, if I were a man, surely I would be labelled that mysterious thing, a businessman.

But I earn at least as much, if not more money now, have never had a void since I stopped working full-time and property is where my real talent and interest lies - I never have so much fun as when I spend a night matching up auction catalogue prices with results! (sad, I know). And it is something you could stretch out to being a full-time job, if you were really slow at it. As it is, I am effectively on call at any hour of the day.

Ripeberry - I like it! I like it a lot... IMHO the father's being out of the workplace for so long means he has lost the skills to interact socially on a polite level.

Plupedantic - that is very true. They would not make great role models for any grandchildren of mine. I would really hate them to hear some of the warped, agenda driven stuff that comes out of their mouths.

I hate some of the arguements they try to create too. When I had a doer-upper near where they live, DP and I visited them, and DP was to get the bus back home while I stayed overnight (in my own place) to do a 10k the next day. And they basically created an arguement about how I should drive him 150 miles home and then drive straight back again, to save him getting the bus. I stayed. Or most recently at Christmas, where we were asked to take stuff round to the elderly relative they hate on our way home. Fine I said, but we'll have to leave earlier. "There will be no leaving earlier and thats final" announces DP's mother. I tried to speak to her reasonably but she turned her back on me and was very rude. We did, of course, leave earlier. Horrible situation though, and completely unnecessary.

You do have a job! Is your buy to let set up as a company? If not I would investigate this to be tax efficient. Then you can just tell them you are the CEO of a company.
You maybe able to have a nice work life balance but isn't that what everyone would like?

I do feel sorry for your SIL.

Ciske - that is very perceptive, and I agree with you. The only trouble is that I already bite my tongue and suppress my views almost completely when I am with them, and they are still rude. In fact, they are getting worse. They are definatley worse than they were a few years ago.

Chelstonmum - the thing is, they don't understand the concept of business. Its something other people do.

daytoday - I have only formed these opinions about them over a number of years, and they are all based on fact. They have not once bothered to visit DP in the 12 years he has been living down here, despite passing by about 3 times a year on their way to France. They go on and on about education and my degree being easy compared to engineering, yet I find it strange that their son had good enough marks to get into a really good university but didn't do so, when his mother was a headmistress. And its not considered a good university for engineering.

The inheritance issue is something I hear every time I visit. I would much rather not. I am sick of hearing about it and I find challenging people's wills and falling out with your brothers and sister about it distasteful.

But to be fair, they are reasonably good company at times and do always cook a meal when we visit. Its just that it seems to me that since all this inheritance stuff started, first on the mother's side and then on the father's, they have become very money grabbing.

And they are incredibly rude.

For the sake of your dp you need to grit your teeth and get through the visits with them
it'll be ten times worse once you have chikdren too
my inlwas drive me potty
I just smile whilst in my head I mutter 'twats'

Hi Nijinsky it sounds like your DP's father has lost (or never had) the social skills. DPs mother sounds like she thinks she is at school dealing with naughty children.

A couple of thoughts spring to mind:

• were they actually successful in their jobs? Is their some jealousy at your (you and DP's) success in their attitudes?

• I have noticed amongst many people (own parents included) that they didnt really see us as grown up until we had children. Up until then they did see themselves as able to dictate. Now we have children we set the rules.

Depending how your DP feels then you really could cut down your contact. Dont apologise, dont explain just say 'no' when they want you to do something that you dont want to do.

Another good one which I have learned on MN - 'did you mean that to sound as rude as it did?' then just leave that sentence hanging, dont fill the silence.

Well if they moan again about you not having a job (although you do) when they next ask for legal advice then ask them where they want the invoice sending before giving the advice. After all you can make a good living giving legal advice - that's a job isn't it?

I'm seconding Gnome,
'I don't believe you meant that to sound as rude as it does'
I feel for you, maybe you'll have to be firm.
good luck

I've nothing much to add but agree their behaviour is awful. Ideally your husband could step in when they say something inappropriate as that shows a united front. If that doesn't work I'd also impose sanctions - if they say or do something that you and your husband agree is unreasonable and they don't respond when told so, walk away. I've done this with family and the message does get across. "I won't stand for xyz and will walk out if you do it".

As to why they feel the way they do and also feel they can be so rude about it - I suspect they are unhappy and enjoy criticising other people. In which case the detail of their complaint is irrelevant and if you were still in your old career they'd likely find something else to focus on.

Can't you just tell a whopper and tell them you've gone back to practising law? That way you could avoid family events where your presence is required by telling them that you're working on a case or smoozing clients.

Have you tried being "amused" at their quaint notions? Or countering the "and that's final" nonsense with laughter and "I'm all grown up now you know and I'm allowed to make my own decisions". Or countering the criticism with "well, we're happy and that's the main thing isn't it?" accompanied by a huge smile. I do wonder whether they like winding you up.

My MIL really loved to argue. I found this incomprehensible when I was first married and didn't know how to deal with it at all. It took me ages to work out that she just enjoyed it and until I did realise this, I took all her criticisms really personally. It was only when I had become truly confident about who I was (which took bloody years, let me tell you) that I was able to say to her, really clearly: "I think that's utter bollocks". It turned out that she gave me much less grief once I discovered that standing up to her and laughing at what I considered idiocies did not make the world fall apart. She seemed to respect me more and argued less.

Don't know, it might not work. But there's some satisfaction in telling someone who is winding you up that they are talking utter bollocks (with a nice warm smile of course).

Two things:

• you do work full time, as a landlord you are pretty much permanently on call. You run your own business, and seem to be good at it. You are an entrepreneur- Bill Gates et al started somewhere.

I like manticlimactic's idea of invoicing them. Maybe next time they pester you for legal advice, tell them to visit you during office hours and you'll charge favourable rates.

• how can they make you attend these "your presence is required" events ? They can't drag you there - just don't go !

well, why don't you just tell them that you do work. you earn a lot of money at it and really, it is none of their bloody business and you are not going to entertain any more conversations about it, ever.

and then every time they say anything, just say, "I've already told you to mind your own business"

I mean, it's direct. it's to the point and it gets the message across in a way that can't be ignored.

And if they stop speaking to you forever as a result - bonus.

I agree they are unbelieveably rude!

I sympathise, as a fellow lawyer :) my ex is in the building trade, his entire family are school of life types who think that reading books is a waste of time . Thankfully as I am no longer with him, I am spared having to socialise with his family - who despite me being with him for 7 years had no idea I had no family of my own (because they never asked me, not once!), thought I was after Ex as a meal ticket (purely because I was a single parent when we met, despite fact that at the time I owned my own house and he still lived at home with them) and best of all, they believed I had run up £40k debts on our a/c after we split up...or as his dad put it ' you robbed all his money'. (!)

In fact it was Ex who spent the money. I hadnt used that account for over 2 years.

Tossers.

You didn't get married and have kids - it's all they know and sound baffled that you don't want that. I'd just mock them and brush off their remarks. Say things like: "Well the property management is keeping me very busy and I like to have time to spend time with my wonderful husband - life's too short to work all hours when you don't have to."

i can sympathise, although in my view they sound like you'll never get them to see sense and start behaving politely - in truth, they sound vile. personally i find a big insincere smile with "yes, you're completely RIGHT", but then i'm really passive aggressive like that.

as a lawyer, i so hate being asked for free advice! i specialise in a particular branch that has nothing to do with divorce/fence disputes/inheritance law, but those are the only things i ever get asked... i now say ooh, i don't know, why don't you pay for a real lawyer? cheeky fuckers.

If they know you spend as much time on the rental properties as another job and it makes as much money then your point to them is more fool them and their son, funny ha ha - they didn't have your wisdom to carve out a similar way to make money. If I earn the week's minimum wage in an hour which I think do, that doesn't mean I'm lazy. It just means I've got sense.

Secondly, they never visit so just refuse to visit the elderly relatives. These are your husband's responsibilities - not yours. If they say can you visit uncle Joe three line whip - say yes I will ask your son if he can find time to go. Don't do any more visits on your own. A lot of people enable bad conduct usually in a spouse by giving in to things.

I would say that visiting his family say 2 or 3 times a y ear for very short periods is something you could tolerate but all the rest of the contact can just be through him and you keep out of it. They are his family not yours.

Also as I am sure you know if you give legal advice which is wrong even if you are not charged for it you can be sued so if you don't like giving it anyway just say you've been advised not to give any.

If ever a situation called for the MN, 'Wow, that sounded rude! Did you mean to be so rude?' then this is it...

Myself, I'd be tempted to tell them that I got fired from the FT job when my heroin use got out of hand, but that my new chain of brothels has topped up the family budget nicely. That should shut them up for a bit.

Hatesponge - OMG the cheek of them!

Microserf - ditto here. My field is commercial property and although I know the basics of family law/inheritance, if its that important, they need to pay for independent legal advice. And its generally just advice on what rights they "might" have "if" they do X

Gnome - I don't think the father was very successful in his job and he was lucky to get a very good pension at such an early age. The mother was successful but it seems a strange balance to me. The father is no house husband - he seems to do very little at all. And yes, they have a big house, (which they like to remind you off) but on their salaries updated to the present day would never be able to afford it due to house price increases.

Nectarina, pgpg, etc - I have tried the "I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound rude" angle, and they generally say either nothing or "yes, I did, and its warranted". They really are that rude. Theres also no winding up in it, they simply want to impose their view of the way the world should be, without regard to pleasantness.

loftyclodflop - its tempting, but I'm not going to lie or change my life because of them. Its ironic because if I had stayed in practice as a solicitor, I am convinced I would now be a far more hard nosed, materialistic person, and quite possibly not interested in DP but maybe another similarly ambitious and materialistic lawyer, or even happy to be single and spending my money on myself. What I am saying is that there was never an option of me going out to work full-time in a really stressful career and run a property business so that DP could take it easy. I think they are living in a fantasy world with that one.

I also get the feeling they can't really be bothered with their children that much any more, and have done their duty in raising and educating them, and now just want to enjoy their retirement. Which is absolutely fine.

Oh - just leave your partner if life is going to be this much hassle... You're not married yet, so it's still not too late (bitter, ironic, haggard, hollow laughter)

Avoid them, without children is surely very easy to do. I don't see the problem, they are not going to like you so limit your time with them. Don't try and talk them into your point of view - it won't work or just lie to them for fun and spin some yarns.

You haven't said what your DP's view on all this is - does he just sit back and listen to them being so rude to you? If so, he is really enabling this sort of behaviour. Why isn't he tackling them abour their rudeness - it is totally out of order for anyone to speak to you in this way. Why do you feel you still have to visit them?

Ragwort - basically he does, or walks off, or claims not to have noticed. He seems pretty used to his parents saying these things to non-family members and maybe doesn't realise its rude. When asked why he doesn't stick up for me, he will say stuff like its just for a few days. I think he should stick up for me, maybe they are indulging in some strange testing of their continued dominance over him or something.

Even my part-time job brings in decent money (£1000-£1500 per month for 8 -12 hours) admittedly not during the holiday months. The parents seem to be looking for some kind of devoted servant!

Have you asked them to explain exactly why they think you should go back to working longer hours for less money?

Out of curiousity, why do you still see them? If my PILs said half the stuff to me that your DP's parents say to you, I simply would never see them. They are rude and insult you constantly. Tell your DP outright that you're cutting the rude bastards out of your life.

Yup - leave him.

I don't think he'll notice.