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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dh to become a freemason?

67 replies

Piggyleroux · 16/03/2011 13:09

He has his 'interview' on Saturday. I have a bad feeling about it.

I don't want him to join an cult organisation he knows nothing about.

He has precious little time with me and ds as it is without taking on more.

He is a 'yes' man and finds it hard to say no to people, I am afraid he will be taken advantage of.

I am also afraid it will cost us money. After all, there's no such thing as a free lunch right? Can you leave if you don't like it?

Can someone come and tell me something bad about it to put him off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piggyleroux · 16/03/2011 13:12

Anyone? I'm really stressing.

OP posts:
sshnapps · 16/03/2011 13:13

dh is a member of a lodge, theres nothing sinister at all.its mostly charitable work and networking.he doesnt go very often now as i told him it was golf or the masons,he chose golf. initially it does take a lot of their time.

bemybebe · 16/03/2011 13:14

My very good friend was a mason (he passed away recently). I cannot say anything bad about him or his beliefs, in fact he was one of the most talented, compassionate and knowledgeable people I know.

strandednomore · 16/03/2011 13:14

I don't know a huge amount about it except in one country I used to live the freemasons all gave each other jobs so it was basically corrupt and they do wierd things with their trouser legs rolled up.

WHy does he want to join so much? Have you told him how you feel? Do you fear he is going to be sucked into it never to emerge again? I am sure mostly it is fairly harmless, just a bit silly. I think you need to discuss how much of his time it will take up...

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 16/03/2011 13:16

Thanks. Just really worried the time issue. He is a doctor about to embark on a hardcore cancer research project lasting 2 years. We never see him as it is.

OP posts:
bemybebe · 16/03/2011 13:16

Why are you so stressed out? Do you have any real reasons or is it just the lack of understanding of what it involves?

bemybebe · 16/03/2011 13:17

x post, sorry

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 16/03/2011 13:18

Lack of understanding I guess bemybebe. I googled and youtubed which is always a mistake Grin

OP posts:
KnittedBreast · 16/03/2011 13:18

of course yanbu by not wanting him to join a poncy club that would require him to keep things secret from his own family, esp as he hasnt got enough time for you as it is.

id question what they think they can benefit from having him join, not really for his best interests

jasminetom · 16/03/2011 13:20

Timewise I totally understand, living with a man who play rugby on a Monday, sails on a Tuesday, plays football on a Thursday and then golf at the weekend. I don't know much about the modern Freemasons, but understand that things have moved on from the old fashioned corruption back scratching days a bit. Whether it's freemasons or golf, I think you are totally reasonable to remind him that something has to give, if he wants to spend time doing something new, give up something old to make space for it, don't just take more time out of home life.

beesimo · 16/03/2011 13:20

It can be very expensive, it can be great fun as you get to dress up and go to balls ect. In the country it is mainly the chance to do a bit of good for others, do a bit of good for yourself business connections wise theres nothing sinister to worry about it is a bit like the Cubs accept for grown men.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 16/03/2011 13:24

Lol at cubs for grown men beesimo!

I am worried about the financial aspect of it. We are on one salary at the moment and although we are comfortable, we do not have spare cash. What do they expect you to spend money on?

OP posts:
bemybebe · 16/03/2011 13:24

I think it is another religious organization. Corruption for some is networking and carrier building for others (I do not pass judgement here, it well may be corruption in my book in some cases, but then also in case of Etonians, family businesses etc) and weird rituals are not more weird than catholic mass or hindu marks on faces.

I think he should explain more to you. Yanbu worrying about it if you do not know much...

Bonsoir · 16/03/2011 13:27

IMVHO it is completely outrageous for your DH to choose to devote his spare time to such a time-consuming organisation unless you agree.

pippinlippin · 16/03/2011 13:30

My DH joined a few years ago. I also had the same concerns that you have.

I am fine with it now. Dh spends approx 2 - 3 evenings a month at lodge events. They don't meet in the summer though.

It is all a bit daft, and really just an excuse for men to meet up and have a few drinks, as far as I can see. In fairness though, they do a lot of fundraising etc. and seem genuinely keen to help local charities.

It hasn't really cost us, apart from what DH spends on his food and drinks on the evenings.

It has helped DH with regards business contacts, but literally in 'an able to meet somebody', not an underhand way.

Each lodge is different though, so your DH will need to check how much time he is expected to input etc.

Hope that helps.

Badgerwife · 16/03/2011 13:30

like knittedbreast says and I agree, it's the fact that masons are supposed to keep mason things a secret from everyone, I don't think that partners should necessarily tell each other everything but it doesn't sound like a good premise to me, regardless of whether there is anything sinister with it or not

Plus I'm afraid masons still give each other jobs, I know someone who used to work for one of the London local councils only a few years ago and the place was crawling with it. It's also rife in the police.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/03/2011 13:32

AFAIK, despite what Dan Brown says, FMs are just a social / professional organisation with nothing sinister about them apart from a few silly rituals.

jasminetom · 16/03/2011 13:34

stand your ground. Money is money and there is only so much of it...if he wants to spend on this than HE should sacrifice time and money from something else. Apart from that, it's a better mid-life (or any age) crisis than other things. At the end of the day, just because you are married does not mean that both people are not individual adults who should be allowed to make their own decisions. If he wants to do this, he should be allowed to make his own choice, as an adult who his behaviour will affect, you are within your rights to have your opinion.

jasminetom · 16/03/2011 13:36

sorry, not suggesting that joining the Freemasons is always a mid-life crisis thing, just saying if it is it is better than the red Porsche/affair stereotype

bemybebe · 16/03/2011 13:43

I do not think freemason secrecy is true any longer. Again, have only my friend as reference but he was open about what he was involved in. It is just that I did not ask him much. We talked more about the business we were in (financial) and general chit chat.

IWantAnotherBaby · 16/03/2011 14:39

My father is a quite senior freemason. There is nothing at all sinister about it, but I agree with the comments about grown men dressing up and enjoying enjoying the secret society sort of stuff. Its harmless, and provides a great network of like-minded friends and acquaintances.

Dad was always very open about it with me, although it was an issue between him and my mother (they divorced, though not because of freemasonry).

It takes up as much or as little of their time as they want, really. If, like my Dad, you get high up in FM circles, it can be very time-consuming. I'd feel much as you do, I think, if DH decided to do it; I want to see more of him, not less.

Bumblequeen · 16/03/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZMum · 16/03/2011 15:46

Bumblequeen

OOh your research must have been fabulously detailed to have missed the fact that there are female freemasons...

unclejim · 16/03/2011 15:49

bumblequeen are you having a laugh?its not a cult it was set up years ago by men of trades to help each other out it may have been abit cloak and dagger but these days its an old school boys club nowt sinister about it my dads one and as straight as they come,get of the conspiracy bus Smile

bemybebe · 16/03/2011 15:58

like zzmum said...
female freemasons are not a recent development either

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