My father is going to have major heart surgery in two weeks. There is a very complicated history between us. He is an alcoholic diabetic who smokes about 80 a day. The surgery is high risk. There is a good chance he won't make it.
Dh's mother has a significant birthday that weekend.
We are driving to our hometown that weekend for the birthday - will arrive Thursday lunchtime. The journey is appox 6 hours from where we live. We can't just make it any time. I want to go to see my father. He lives about 90 minutes from dh's home (adding length to our journey). Dh wants us to go on Thursday as soon as we've driven down and will not even let me consider Fri or Sat as it will "interfere" with his mother's birthday celebrations.
Dh doesn't think seeing my dad is a priority because I "could have gone" when I last went home (when I didn't because I was very angry with him for being quite abusive to my brother that very week and because ds was ill). I have not been home since.
He also wants me to arrange it in advance even though many years' experience have shown that if I tell my father I am visiting that he will drink. He is still very much actively drinking despite upcoming surgery. I said to dh that I really need him just to support what I am doing and that it doesn't FUCKING matter if it takes 5 hours out of a weekend in the circumstance. I am not scheduling the trip at any time that the family have arranged anything.
I am fuming. It got to the stage that I was begging dh to stop talking about it today because he keeps wanting to talk about the "logistics" and sighing when I suggest x or y or z. I am so upset that he doesn't get that it is a big deal. I thought he understood after all these years. He seems to want me to hate my father and in some ways I do, but he is STILL my father and if he dies, it will still hurt like fucking hell.
He says things like: "what happens if he's not there?" and I say "well, then I will know that I tried, but I just can't arrange in advance as we know how that will go" and he says: "well, are you going to want to go see him again? How is that going to fit with our plans?" and I say "no, I won't want to go see him again" and he says "but how can you be sure, it won't be fair on my mother if we go on Friday as she has taken the day off work!" and I say "I promise I won't want to go again but I have to try to see him in a morning as this is the only shot I have at catching him sober" and he says "but what if he isn't?" etc etc and I say "but I have to try" and he says "but I don't see why" and I say, and sigh, "because he's my father." Unhelpfully, dh then says things like: "yes but if it was my father I would go and see him for the whole weekend". Yes, dh, because YOU have a relationship with your father. "Well, yes, I do, and you don't, so why do you want to see him?".
He doesn't get it. I need to see him. I know it won't be good and it won't change the shit that's gone on but it's what I want to do and I have thought it through and the last thing I fucking NEED is to hear how it might piss on his bloody mother's parade for us to be absent for 4-5 hours out of a long weekend.
Dh and I have been together 13 years. He has seen a lot of the shit my father has put the family through and yes my father is a PITA and a total failure and many other things, but there was a time in my life he was the world to me, when he was a good man who people admired. Not now, but I remember him as what he was.. and how he used to bring me Creme eggs and sing me to sleep and search for crabs in rock pools.
He is my father. That's it, really. I want to see him because he wants to see me. I want him to see his only grandson again in case he dies. He has only seen him twice 
.
Am I mad to think that should be enough? That it is worth 4-5 hours of my dh's time without me having to explain it again and again? I keep telling him it is upsetting me to talk about it. I ended up getting extremely wound up and screaming at him earlier because he just won't let it GO even though I keep asking him just to play it my way, just this ONCE.
AIBU?