to think DH is being an ARSE?

[soangryIcouldspit]

My father is going to have major heart surgery in two weeks. There is a very complicated history between us. He is an alcoholic diabetic who smokes about 80 a day. The surgery is high risk. There is a good chance he won't make it.

Dh's mother has a significant birthday that weekend.

We are driving to our hometown that weekend for the birthday - will arrive Thursday lunchtime. The journey is appox 6 hours from where we live. We can't just make it any time. I want to go to see my father. He lives about 90 minutes from dh's home (adding length to our journey). Dh wants us to go on Thursday as soon as we've driven down and will not even let me consider Fri or Sat as it will "interfere" with his mother's birthday celebrations.

Dh doesn't think seeing my dad is a priority because I "could have gone" when I last went home (when I didn't because I was very angry with him for being quite abusive to my brother that very week and because ds was ill). I have not been home since.

He also wants me to arrange it in advance even though many years' experience have shown that if I tell my father I am visiting that he will drink. He is still very much actively drinking despite upcoming surgery. I said to dh that I really need him just to support what I am doing and that it doesn't FUCKING matter if it takes 5 hours out of a weekend in the circumstance. I am not scheduling the trip at any time that the family have arranged anything.

I am fuming. It got to the stage that I was begging dh to stop talking about it today because he keeps wanting to talk about the "logistics" and sighing when I suggest x or y or z. I am so upset that he doesn't get that it is a big deal. I thought he understood after all these years. He seems to want me to hate my father and in some ways I do, but he is STILL my father and if he dies, it will still hurt like fucking hell.

He says things like: "what happens if he's not there?" and I say "well, then I will know that I tried, but I just can't arrange in advance as we know how that will go" and he says: "well, are you going to want to go see him again? How is that going to fit with our plans?" and I say "no, I won't want to go see him again" and he says "but how can you be sure, it won't be fair on my mother if we go on Friday as she has taken the day off work!" and I say "I promise I won't want to go again but I have to try to see him in a morning as this is the only shot I have at catching him sober" and he says "but what if he isn't?" etc etc and I say "but I have to try" and he says "but I don't see why" and I say, and sigh, "because he's my father." Unhelpfully, dh then says things like: "yes but if it was my father I would go and see him for the whole weekend". Yes, dh, because YOU have a relationship with your father. "Well, yes, I do, and you don't, so why do you want to see him?".

He doesn't get it. I need to see him. I know it won't be good and it won't change the shit that's gone on but it's what I want to do and I have thought it through and the last thing I fucking NEED is to hear how it might piss on his bloody mother's parade for us to be absent for 4-5 hours out of a long weekend.

Dh and I have been together 13 years. He has seen a lot of the shit my father has put the family through and yes my father is a PITA and a total failure and many other things, but there was a time in my life he was the world to me, when he was a good man who people admired. Not now, but I remember him as what he was.. and how he used to bring me Creme eggs and sing me to sleep and search for crabs in rock pools.

He is my father. That's it, really. I want to see him because he wants to see me. I want him to see his only grandson again in case he dies. He has only seen him twice .

Am I mad to think that should be enough? That it is worth 4-5 hours of my dh's time without me having to explain it again and again? I keep telling him it is upsetting me to talk about it. I ended up getting extremely wound up and screaming at him earlier because he just won't let it GO even though I keep asking him just to play it my way, just this ONCE.

AIBU?

OP, you write very clearly here why you need to see your Dad.

It isn't about your Dad, it's about you. There were things in your childhood that you want to honour; there are things about your Dad that you feel should be respected (his standing up to his father for his Mum, for example. You want to acknowledge that and tie up the loose ends.

Your DH should understand that, and be willing to help. After all, sadly, he may never be called on to do it again.

Show him this thread. Explain that you're not doing it for your Dad, you're doing it for you. Because you need to know you tried, because you need to know you said goodbye, if it comes to that. That your son had the chance to say goodbye.

You'd be within your rights to ask for the whole weekend. A few hours shouldn't be too much. I'm sure your MIL will understand, and you'll have the whole rest of the weekend with her, which will be much happier if you've settled things with your father first.

I can understand why your DH is being an arse but he is being an arse.

If it were a normal visit, fair enough. But it's not and he should shut up and get on with supporting you.

I agree a 60th birthday isn't the same as possibly dying. You neeed to see your dad to be at peace. What a shame your hubby can't understand such an important thing - he is being selfish in wanting everything to be about his family arrangements - a 60th celebration really is low priority really. How would he feel if he refused to let you see Dad but then your Dad passed away during op? It would make things/grieving much harder for you. Can you ring MIL and explain - orgnise a 60th celebration day out near your dad? That way you can all have your needs met.

why can't you leave your DS with DH and his family and use public transport to get there? That way it has far less impact on his mother's birthday things and he really won't have a leg to stand on. At the end of the day, it is your only father, you feel you a) need to see him b) need to do it in a particular way. I agree that I think you should just tell Dh that you're sorry if he doesn't understand but this is what you are going to do and it is not his place to "let" you or not.

Well put soupdragon - DH should shut up and get on with supporting you.

"I am so upset that he doesn't get that it is a big deal."

Because you had a chance to see your father recently & didn´t because you were cross at him.

And now the weekend has become all about the man who recently you chose not to see when you could have.

It´s hard to see a loved one bending over backwards for someone who doesn´t appear to deserve it.

That´s not to say that I think your husband is right btw.

Of course your husband should be taking you, without question.

Soangry, you have explained it very well here. Is it possible you haven't been able to explain it as articulately to your DH because of the emotions that come between you of shame, embarrassment etc that your family is the dysfunctional one and his is the normal one, that you almost don't expect him to be able to understand?

You've really expressed yourself so well here that I think putting it in writing to DH must be the way to go - either showing him the thread or just copying your own posts, but of course showing him the thread has the advantage that we can back you up directly.

BTW, I am not trying to put the blame on you, OP, for not expressing yourself well enough rather than on your DH for not getting it - I just think sometimes maybe we are able to put things differently in a perceived neutral or supportive environment like here, than to our loved ones who are already "involved" or too close to the situation.

To be honest, whilst he could be a bit more supportive, he's not actually being that much of an arse in wanting to talk about the logistical aspects of getting you to see your father over that weekend, after all he will need to drive you there and it will impact on plans that you have already made and it sounds like you could spend a lot of time driving around without actually achieving your aim of seeing your father. I can understand why that is frustrating for him and to be honest it sounds like your taking a lot of your anger and frustration about the situation out on him. That doesn't make you a bad person it's just how it is.

I agree with others that perhaps writing down how you feel about this would be an easier way of you communicating how you feel to your DH about this as it will take the raw emotion out of the equation for a moment and hopefully help him to see your point of view more clearly.

I hope you get to see your Dad and fingers crossed that it won't actually be the last time.

60th birthdays are important But not as important as seeing a parent who may die. And you are not going for the whole weekend for goodness sake. Leave your toddler with dh and get bus/taxi or something if dh is being awkward. Ask him how he would feel if you made a fuss about seeing one of his parents for possibly the last time.

YANBU If its your home time, could you mention you might call a friend to see if she'd drive you (or even an expensive taxi) that might make him see you're serious and make him step up to the mark. Youve nothing to be ashamed of. To his parents you need to say "Im sorry that Im spoiling everyones plans. My dad will always remain the world to me, just as I hope mt Dh will be the world for my DS. I know I don't talk about it very often, but no matter what my dad has done I will always love him and I need to tell him that in case I don't get another chance."
Your inlaws would have to be of stone to make a fuss after that. Good luck