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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? Or am I just oversensitive? Or maybe WWYD?

62 replies

Happymm · 15/03/2011 20:07

Story-outside school gate, mother I am friendly with,( ie have passing conversations with, her DD is in my DD's class) is in front, with her younger DD (3yrs) who as usual is having the mother of all tantrums. Does this on a daily basis, screams all way there and back on school run, and is generally a fairly unpleasant child(sorry for my judgey pants). Mother, in front of maybe 50 parents waiting, pulls her pants down and smacks her bottom Shock DD then goes completely ballistic and throws self on floor screaming, which is ignored. Found myself tearful and really upset about the humiliation and smacking. Whilst am not perfect for one moment myself, I have never, and would never smack one of my DC and certainly would never pull pants down in front of loads of people to do so. I really wanted to say something as I found it so disturbing, but chickened out, due to big audience, and continued relations at school. Am crap at confrontation, but what would the MN jury do?

OP posts:
Susiewho · 15/03/2011 20:28

Devil's advocate, but there's shouting and swearing at a child and there's saying things under your breath in a moment of frustration.

Of course I don't condone swearing at a child, but the words alone don't tell us what happened.

Daisydreamer · 15/03/2011 20:29
kylesmybaby · 15/03/2011 20:29

why on earth would going in and speaking to the teacher help - the child doesnt even go to school.

im pretty sure the school has enough to do concerning the kids that atually go to school.

QueenBathsheba · 15/03/2011 20:30

If she is someone you talk to, is it possible that you could distract the child, sometimes children react better to another adult. maybe the lady would appreciate some help.

Children tantrum for two reasons usually, they are afraid and overwhelmed by their own intense emotions and need reassurance or they learn that it ilicits some sort of attention from the adult, usually because they need attention.

eaglewings · 15/03/2011 20:32

Friendship, invite her and her kids over to play with your dd and see where it goes.

In your home if she swears you can ask her not to in front of your kids if necessary

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 15/03/2011 20:33

Thanks for that wonderful insight bringonthegoatshit Hmm

judgejudie · 15/03/2011 20:36

its up to her how she parents

she probably shakes her head at the middle class lets have a discussion and contemplate our navels type of parenting

HappySeven · 15/03/2011 20:37

I guess there are two ways of looking at this. Either she's a terrible mother who swears at her children and sees nothing wrong with pulling down their pants to smack them in which case would saying anything change anything? Or she's a woman at the end of her tether who could do with a friend and some help.

I'd like to think it's the latter. Maybe it would be worth making some gentle joke about how hard it is when they are at that tantrum stage next time you see it happening and see how things go.

bringonthegoat · 15/03/2011 20:37

You are welcome winter - although you spelt my name wrong Grin

BitOfFun · 15/03/2011 20:41

I can't believe that people would seriously offer this woman a coffee etc. I wouldn't want much to do with her. I might mention the incident to the the school teacher though, and see if they think there are grounds to refer for some support.

Original poster
Happymm · 15/03/2011 20:41

I do generally try to commiserate with her, as I know that it must be hard to have this all day every day. I suspect it's a combination of bad parenting and end of tether tbh. Think will try the coffee route, and also distraction techniques!

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 15/03/2011 20:44

Isn't this really just self-regarding hand-wringing, the actual intent being for you all to reflect on how wonderful you are in comparison to someone else?

Daisydreamer · 15/03/2011 20:44

Yep, my heart bleeds for the poor mother who needs coffee and friends.

Th 3 year old, well they're being bratty an having a tantrum. Obviously deserved a slap.

Hmm
Susiewho · 15/03/2011 20:47

OK, I don't smack my children and I don't swear. I would feel uncomfortable to see someone behaving the way this mum has done. BUT, speaking to the teacher? Eh? That is surely completely OTT! The child isn't a pupil at the school; the parent's done nothing illegal as far as I'm aware, so making things 'formal' seems very kneejerk and a big waste of resources.

To put it into context, would you speak to a teacher about a parent who smokes around their child? Surely that's just as potentially damaging (if not more so) to the child?

I would go with what the OP says, and communicate with the mum. Find out what's going on and offer support.

bringonthegoat · 15/03/2011 20:55

Agree with daisy - the 3 year old needs help. having said that I do think helping the mother will help the child in turn.

Without exception the children I know who are 'difficult' or 'brats' are labelled that way by their parents. Parents who do not put in consistent boundaries or provide rational adult parenting. Genuine example - "No you can't have sweets, I said no, NO NO NO - now shut uuuuuuuppppp - Oh alright have some bloody swwets but you better stop moaning" Confused What the actual fuck are some people trying to achieve?!

TheSecondComing · 15/03/2011 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenBathsheba · 15/03/2011 20:58

the parent's done nothing illegal as far as I'm aware

It is deeply worrying behaviour though and social services would take an interest if it were reported to them. Humiliating a child is cruelty, as is hitting them.

I think OP could do one of two things, befriend the women and offer support or report it. Best to offer support and gauge some idea of what the real story is here before making too many assumptions.

wellwisher · 15/03/2011 21:00

I wouldn't care about the smacking but the pulling pants down in the street, in front of so many people who know her, is extreme. It's not the action of someone who's in control. I would have reached out to her. I bet she is feeling terrible right now.

MosEisley · 15/03/2011 21:09

OP, you could easily be describing my friend, who is having a lot of difficulty managing her three year old at the moment. She is a brilliant Mum, but has just had a baby and it has coincided with other events in their lives which are challenging, all impacting on her little girl's behaviour.

I don't think she would smack her child - but maybe this mother wouldn't normally do this, either.

You witnessed a few moments in their relationship. OK, something far from ideal happened. But you're inferring much more about her parenting generally, when you don't really know much about her circumstances.

There are some really judgey comments on this thread - I guess those posters all have perfect children themselves.

MosEisley · 15/03/2011 21:10

What if the other woman doesn't want to be 'befriended'?!

differentnameforthis · 15/03/2011 21:14

How about, if you are that concerned instead of blurting this poor woman & child's lives all over the internet, you do something!

I don't know enough to comment really, I was faced with a huge meltdown, from dd2 last week at her older sisters sports day, because she wanted to join in & I have never felt so judged & humiliated. Not saying that my daughter did that, but that is how I felt. Although I didn't feel the need to smack her (wouldn't have helped any). I could feel all the eyes on me, saw all the eyes on me & burst into tears as soon as my friend had me in private. I felt utterly useless that I couldn't calm her down. I had never failed to do so before.

If I had to do that, day in, day out, twice a day, I'd be on my knees!

And if I found out that I was being discussed/judged for that on an open internet forum, I think I'd be pretty bloody upset, in fact, I KNOW I would be!

If you are concerned, report it. If you are just having an idle gossip & wanting to judge mum, stop it.

We face enough challenges in life without someone pasting all our personal shit on the internet! Shame on you!

Dawnybabe · 15/03/2011 21:20

I'm pretty sure there was a story on the news a few years ago about a dad that did this in a dentists waiting room, although I think the child was a bit older iirc, and he was arrested or charged with abuse or something.

Bit vague, sorry, but there was definitely harsh punishment.

Poor little girl.

Original poster
Happymm · 15/03/2011 21:20

Thank you DNFT, as you can see from my posts, was genuinely upset and wanted advice on how to help, and have posted that would try to get to know "this poor woman" and offer friendship. Who's the one judging here? And by the way, it is an anonymous forum, not like I'm gossiping on the playground! Hmm

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 15/03/2011 21:21

I suspect it's a combination of bad parenting

Why do you suspect this? Do you see more than a snapshot of their lives?

I parent my dds in the same way, do nothing differently with dd2, than I did dd1. Yet dd1 was placid, go anywhere-take anywhere baby/toddler.

Dd2 is not. She runs off, she sometimes screams when told no, she won't share, she screams at her sister for her toys, she climbs out of her buggy as soon as it stops, she hates the car - buggy - car - buggy process.

Each child is different. It doesn't have to be bad parenting. It is just a different child with it's own personality!

differentnameforthis · 15/03/2011 21:22

It's only anonymous if she isn't on here! If she read this, she would know it was her!

You admitted yourself she you were judging and is generally a fairly unpleasant child(sorry for my judgey pants)

Nasty, however you try to justify it!