I havent been sure whether to post this but the last 24 hours have got me to boiling point and I need to know!
DS1 is my parents eldest grandchild and has always been special to them. Alot of this comes from the fact that he has Cerebal Palsy and as a child needed alot of physio and operations. They did alot to help me and him and I do appreciate that. But they did wrap him in cotton wool, my mother for instance thought I was cruel to allow him to do normal PE at school when he wanted to as he wouldnt be any good at it. He did struggle but enjoyed it and always tried his best, but she thought it was better to not try than for him to try and inevitably fail (in her eyes).
Now he is 20 and self caring, and his only problems are a limp and limited use of his left hand. I expect him to do as much of his own stuff as possible, washing, cleaning etc and his "chore" (we all have one or two that are our own specific jobs) is loading and unloading the dishwasher. About the only thing I do for him is his ironing as he really does struggle with that, despite trying several times.
He has struggled to get a job, basically because although we know he has been written off due his disability, it is mainly down to the fact that he fucked about at school and then again at college. Everything is too much like hard work and his excuse for everything is his disability. My dad has always said "oh but its so hard for him" but it isnt as hard as he makes out! If he had applied himself at school and college instead of doing the bare minimum he would have some decent qualifications. As it is he has no passes at GCSE grade C or above and bare passes in 2 unrelated and frankly useless college courses (both needed further study to be of use which he didnt want to do). Being disabled doesnt alter the fact that he is bloody lazy. He is lazy about most things, always needing to be asked to do his chore and then moaning about it, wearing smnelly clothes rather than washing them because he cant be arsed.
So he is signing on and although I insist he gives me some board each week (£15 out of £54 per week), what he has left is spent on crap, such as Xbox games and then he complains that he has to walk everywhere because I refused him lifts or loans. I say that the money is for him to live on and that includes transport, not effing games so he should learn to budget!
He had a job interview last week and what I thought was seeing my dadto get some tips on the interview was actually Dad cleaning DS's shoes for him and getting his clothes ready! He can clean his own shoes, but Dad insisted on doing it for him. He also gave DS some money for his transport as despite knowing about the interview, DS had spent all of his JSA on crap again, within 4 days of getting paid.
Now Dad has decided that DS should claim DLA despite being told by me that we have claimed and claimed over the years and even though he has a full CP diagnosis, brain damage scans, been through the appeals process over and over etc, he has always been refused because he doesnt need help with personal care and he doesnt need help for mobility. Dad says that the extra money will help him.
To do what exactly?! Help him find another excuse to not work at getting a job? There are alot of organisations aimed at helping disabled people into work (I asked on here about Remploy a few weeks back) but DS cant be arsed to get in touch, so doesnt.
It seems to me that he is only disabled when it suits him iykwim. He is ok being disabled to get free money or excuses made, but when it means putting a bit of effort into getting intouch with people who can help him, he doesnt need it! He is also fine for going out with his mates and being in a band, he can put the effort into that.
Last night Dad rang me asking me to go around tonight to help fill in the DLA form because despite insisting that they all knew better than me, there was stuff on there that only I knew, not mum and dad or DS. I was dead on my feet. I had been up since 4:30am as I couldnt sleep and then at the hospital with DS2 since 7am til 5pm. Not once did Dad ask how DS2 was after his op, he just went on about DS1 and how I should be more supportive.
I said I didnt know if I would be able to make it due to DH working and would let him know. Put the phone down and cried and cried.
How fucking supportive do I need to be?! I was at school and hospital and physio and heavens knows where else all the bloody time as he was growing up. I fought the school who wouldnt deal with his being bullied, I did his physio day in and day out, I got him into college when he otherwise wouldnt have managed it (more fool me as it turned out). I put a roof over his head and heavily subsidise his food bill. If he moved out (as he has threatened) he would go to his mates house whos parents would happily let him live there rent and bill free, they have told me this. Mates mother has said that she thinks its disgusting I charge him the nominal board I take from him. So him moving out would only compound the problem as there would be more excuses made.
All I want is for him to start taking responsibility for himself and act like the 20 year old adult he is, not the child that my father keeps enabling him to behave like. Slipping him a tenner every so often isnt helping him to learn to budget for example.
AIBU to ask my dad to pack it in (AGAIN) and cause another row (AGAIN)? Or should I just give up and let them help him fuck up his life, which I am perilously close to doing. I have 4 other children and one on the way, which my father seems to forget.
UPDATE: Was proof reading this when DS got back from going round about the fecking DLA forms, with a new chair that my dad has bought him. A cheapy office type chair because DS was complaining his old one was hurting his back (because he spends so much time sitting on his arse infront of his X-Box) and I said that he could get a cheap one from Argos well within his budget or even the YMCA shop. Dad has bought him one instead. I give up.