to wish my dad would stop enabling my son?

[Bogeyface]

I havent been sure whether to post this but the last 24 hours have got me to boiling point and I need to know!

DS1 is my parents eldest grandchild and has always been special to them. Alot of this comes from the fact that he has Cerebal Palsy and as a child needed alot of physio and operations. They did alot to help me and him and I do appreciate that. But they did wrap him in cotton wool, my mother for instance thought I was cruel to allow him to do normal PE at school when he wanted to as he wouldnt be any good at it. He did struggle but enjoyed it and always tried his best, but she thought it was better to not try than for him to try and inevitably fail (in her eyes).

Now he is 20 and self caring, and his only problems are a limp and limited use of his left hand. I expect him to do as much of his own stuff as possible, washing, cleaning etc and his "chore" (we all have one or two that are our own specific jobs) is loading and unloading the dishwasher. About the only thing I do for him is his ironing as he really does struggle with that, despite trying several times.

He has struggled to get a job, basically because although we know he has been written off due his disability, it is mainly down to the fact that he fucked about at school and then again at college. Everything is too much like hard work and his excuse for everything is his disability. My dad has always said "oh but its so hard for him" but it isnt as hard as he makes out! If he had applied himself at school and college instead of doing the bare minimum he would have some decent qualifications. As it is he has no passes at GCSE grade C or above and bare passes in 2 unrelated and frankly useless college courses (both needed further study to be of use which he didnt want to do). Being disabled doesnt alter the fact that he is bloody lazy. He is lazy about most things, always needing to be asked to do his chore and then moaning about it, wearing smnelly clothes rather than washing them because he cant be arsed.

So he is signing on and although I insist he gives me some board each week (£15 out of £54 per week), what he has left is spent on crap, such as Xbox games and then he complains that he has to walk everywhere because I refused him lifts or loans. I say that the money is for him to live on and that includes transport, not effing games so he should learn to budget!

He had a job interview last week and what I thought was seeing my dadto get some tips on the interview was actually Dad cleaning DS's shoes for him and getting his clothes ready! He can clean his own shoes, but Dad insisted on doing it for him. He also gave DS some money for his transport as despite knowing about the interview, DS had spent all of his JSA on crap again, within 4 days of getting paid.

Now Dad has decided that DS should claim DLA despite being told by me that we have claimed and claimed over the years and even though he has a full CP diagnosis, brain damage scans, been through the appeals process over and over etc, he has always been refused because he doesnt need help with personal care and he doesnt need help for mobility. Dad says that the extra money will help him.

To do what exactly?! Help him find another excuse to not work at getting a job? There are alot of organisations aimed at helping disabled people into work (I asked on here about Remploy a few weeks back) but DS cant be arsed to get in touch, so doesnt.

It seems to me that he is only disabled when it suits him iykwim. He is ok being disabled to get free money or excuses made, but when it means putting a bit of effort into getting intouch with people who can help him, he doesnt need it! He is also fine for going out with his mates and being in a band, he can put the effort into that.

Last night Dad rang me asking me to go around tonight to help fill in the DLA form because despite insisting that they all knew better than me, there was stuff on there that only I knew, not mum and dad or DS. I was dead on my feet. I had been up since 4:30am as I couldnt sleep and then at the hospital with DS2 since 7am til 5pm. Not once did Dad ask how DS2 was after his op, he just went on about DS1 and how I should be more supportive.

I said I didnt know if I would be able to make it due to DH working and would let him know. Put the phone down and cried and cried.

How fucking supportive do I need to be?! I was at school and hospital and physio and heavens knows where else all the bloody time as he was growing up. I fought the school who wouldnt deal with his being bullied, I did his physio day in and day out, I got him into college when he otherwise wouldnt have managed it (more fool me as it turned out). I put a roof over his head and heavily subsidise his food bill. If he moved out (as he has threatened) he would go to his mates house whos parents would happily let him live there rent and bill free, they have told me this. Mates mother has said that she thinks its disgusting I charge him the nominal board I take from him. So him moving out would only compound the problem as there would be more excuses made.

All I want is for him to start taking responsibility for himself and act like the 20 year old adult he is, not the child that my father keeps enabling him to behave like. Slipping him a tenner every so often isnt helping him to learn to budget for example.

AIBU to ask my dad to pack it in (AGAIN) and cause another row (AGAIN)? Or should I just give up and let them help him fuck up his life, which I am perilously close to doing. I have 4 other children and one on the way, which my father seems to forget.

UPDATE: Was proof reading this when DS got back from going round about the fecking DLA forms, with a new chair that my dad has bought him. A cheapy office type chair because DS was complaining his old one was hurting his back (because he spends so much time sitting on his arse infront of his X-Box) and I said that he could get a cheap one from Argos well within his budget or even the YMCA shop. Dad has bought him one instead. I give up.

Hmm, I think it's time for a frank discussion with your ds. Ask him what his 5 year plan is. What does he want: car, girlfriend, to move out...? Then get him to see that he'll have to take steps to get there. I honestly think your issue is more with your son than your parents. Its on the Grandparents job description to spoil their grandchildren. It might be good to find out what their 5 or 10 year plan would be for him too though.

I think that you should speak with your dad and ask him to speak with your DS about some sort of plan in life. Your DS sounds like he respects your dad so if you could get onto the same page as your dad then he could encourage your DS.

Like someone has said, forget about the DLA claim - he will not get it if he isn't entitled to it.

Also forget about the tenners here and there. They really aren't going to make that much difference. Not like he can buy a house or car with them.

Your OP is probably factually accurate but it does read quite harshly to me. I would think that some of the harshness is due to the stress that you must be under with your other DCs etc and perhaps try and tone down the anger towards your DS. He sounds like lots of 20yo boys.

I feel for you bogeyface. I think you know in your heart of hearts that your son needs a bloody wake up call and I trust your intuition. I can see how it would be absolutley maddening for you and in your situation I think i would take that rant you have just written, rant it at the grandparents and DS1 in no uncertain terms then tell the lazy sod you are through and he can go and sponge off his mates if that's all the bloody self respect he has.

Within a fortnight he will be back and eating humble pie, but you know what, even if he doesn't it's not your responsibility to wash his socks forevermore. He joined the adult world when he stopped attending college. He's not 12 he's 20 and he's taking the piss.

He sounds like a fairly normal unmotivated 20 year old to me ,so you must have done something right . Your Dad is enabling him because he is doing the wrong thing for the right reason , in other words he is doing it because he loves him .Good luck with trying to get him to see the light .

Thanks all.

It does read harshly and I didnt mean it to, but I am very angry at the moment because I feel that despite doing everything I can to help him build a good life for himself, I was accused of being not supportive enough and that really hurt.

I just want him to be happy in his life. He does want to move out at some point, we have talked about it. And he knows that to do that he will have to work but it seems like he expects it all to just fall into his lap and wont accept that life just ain't like that ! His big plan is fine, except that he wont put the work in on the little bits that add up to a big plan. He would happily work in a job, I am sure of it, but getting one takes work in itself and he always has an excuse as to why he cant do it. He claimed the other week that there were no jobs at the jobcentre he could do. I went onto the same website and found 3. To my knowledge, he hasnt applied for any of them.

Someone made a point about self esteem. Perhaps he does expect to fail so would rather not try. That is a good point I hadnt considered, so I will talk to him tomorrow about how he feels about his own prospects, abilities etc and see if anything comes from that. I have suggested volunteering but he claims to not be able to get work anywhere, which I know isnt true, he just hasnt tried. Again that might be confidence related so I will see what he says tomorrow.

I will talk to my Dad and try to explain how hurt i was by what he said. I am sure that he will be quite bothered by that because he does care about all of us. I think that if I can state how DS will never realise his potential while he is never allowed to stand on his own two feet then he might step back a bit.

And I promise to calm down a bit :)

thanks again

www.do-it.org.uk/

stacks of volunteer work in uk, just search by post code. Good luck Bogeyface xxx

bogeyface the frustration you are feeling must be immense. It would be so much easier for you to tell your son to aim low but you are doing something that I think is one of the main tasks of motherhood; teaching your kids to be as independant as possible.

I can appreciate how hard it is when other family members don't see eye to eye with you. One of my DC has MH issues which I have all the time & patience in the world for. What I struggle with is the few people who feel that the MH issues absolve him from any responsibilities. These people often have the best intentions but their interference stigmatises him as someone who can't do 'normal' things. What some people fail to appreciate is that when you remove someones independance you are limiting their opportunities to build confidence, self esteem & their further development.

I feel for you Bogeyface as I too have had a couple of people think I am very harsh for giving DS firm encouragement to achieve & be responsible. It is particularly hard when GPs are not working to promote this too, in our case they seemed to condone everything DS did (or failed to do) regardless of how it affected the other kids. I think I have eventually got the message through to 1 GP but it is hard to convince them that it is actually in DS best interests.

Rant over & good luck!

Bogeyface - I was wondering if it would be possible to find someone with CP who would be prepared to act as your DS's mentor?

I worked with 2 blokes with CP - they were obviously affected in different ways and required different levels of support to enable them to work, but they were both excellent at what they did and had very successful careers in a highly pressured and technical environment.

Perhaps it would help your DS to see someone living the kind of life you believe he is capable of, if he puts in the effort.

Bogeyface - I suspect low self esteem is a big part of this, I think your parents may be enabling this a bit re: the PE etc as a kid.

I'm not much older than your DS and also disabled (dyspraxia and a chronic illness). I wasn't diagnosed until I left Uni with either but I always knew as a child I was different and suffered low self esteem. At one school my mother withdrew me from Sports Day however this was mainly because the school wouldn't stop the other children pointing at me and calling me names when I was running around with my hands flapping and falling over (I was 6 and throwing tantrums (now I realise they were meltdowns) daily about not wanting to do sports day). She then moved me to a nicer school where I did sports day with another girl who had SN and we both came jointly but we'd participated and got a big cheer for making the effort.

It can be very hard to motivate yourself when you struggle with self esteem - I'd speak to your parents and say you think your DS needs his self esteem boosting. Acknowledging things are hard is fine, my parents and DP are sympathetic to the fact I have an added difficulty in finding work but none of them will let me say that I haven't got a job because of my problems IYSWIM? My DP said he shares my suspicion that some firms who I've interviewed with (had to tell them about my illness as it's why I lost my last job) are not taking my application further because of that (some have said I interviewed brilliantly but said no for very trivial reasons, most of which were on the CV so why interview me at all?) but he won't let me think that that is the case with them all because if you start thinking like that you lose motivation.

I'd focus on what your DS is good at, so if he's feeling down because he struggles with co-ordination for example remind him he's got great communication skills, or is good at working in a team etc. If you can get him down to Remploy that will be a big help - I met so many inspirational people down there who desperately wanted to get back in to work. Some had had 16 year gaps in employment and Remploy were great at making sure people were applying for jobs and also at making sure they were getting any training they needed. They held work shops for those who needed extra IT training, customer service training etc. If you and your parents can work towards boosting his self esteem it will go a long way, people can come out of it, I spent ages last year not applying for jobs as I would dwell on small parts of the advert I felt I couldn't do and just assumed 'oh they wouldn't want me anyway, what's the point' but I did come out of it and I did get a job last year so it can be done :)

There is an employment agency called remploy who help people with disabilities find a job. They are experts in their field and could help with possible self esteem issues/coping with issues in the workplace etc. I can't link as I'm on my phone but it may be worth a try?

Bogeyface-With the volunteer work- maybe you could tell him that you'll pay him £5 an hour for it, up to 3 hours a week when he goes- essentially letting him off his board. I know it seems a bit soft, but at least he would be doing something, and be motivated to do it.
YADNBU btw.