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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does my friend dislike me?

30 replies

JustaNickname · 15/03/2011 16:55

In my group of best friends there are 5 of us. All been friends since school and I love them to bits. One of my friends happens to be my first cousin though and its her behavior I have the problem with.

For years ever since we were little she has always IMO put me down, made catty remarks etc. I split from the father of my son back in October and I've had a really rough time of it. We were together for 5 years and it all ended very badly even though we are starting to regain a friendship which I hope is best for my son.

While my son was at his dads house at the weekend I went out for a few drinks with my cousin kind of a spur of the moment thing and got talking to some guys from a neighboring town. I didn't know any of them and it was all just friendly banter. One of the guys asked my my number at the end of the night and although i was a bit hesitant as I still have feelings for my ex I threw caution to the wind and gave it to him. He also gave me his number. By the time I got home that night he had already to txt me to see if I had gotten home safely which I was pretty happy about seeing as I really didn't think I'd hear from him at all!

My cousin then turns around and says quite a few hurtful things.

-He came onto her first
-She had already met him and he was interested in another friend of hers
-He had given me a fake name (Not true because I checked up on this through FB)

I know this all probably sounds a bit petty but this is the most recent in a long line of incidents. I had my son at 17 and left school. My Debs (like a formal dance) was the following year and she didn't tell me the tickets were on sale but told all our friends that she had asked me and I told her I didn't want to go :(

AIBU in thinking she has a severe dislike of me for some reason?

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 15/03/2011 16:57

She sounds very jealous of you imo.
Have you ever asked why she is like this with you?

Hassled · 15/03/2011 17:00

Well it's probably not a "severe dislike", but it's certainly something. She just sounds like a bit of a cow, to be honest - jealous that you pulled and she didn't? Is there other family stuff she could be jealous about?

Life really is too short to waste time getting too upset about this - be polite and friendly, ignore all the shit stuff and hang on to the stuff about her that you do like. It sounds like she just needs to grow up a bit - you might get back a good relationship in the future.

annielouisa · 15/03/2011 17:06

If you are close in age there is probably like a type of sibling rivalry thing going on here as being cousins came before any group friendship.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 15/03/2011 17:07

I've never confronted her about the things she's said/done because basically I'm just a coward and I don't like rocking the boat.

Our friends never saw any of this stuff so if I ever said anything they sort of brushed it off as a misunderstanding that was until maybe in the last year when she started doing similar stuff to another friend of ours.

I honestly don't know what she could be jealous of. I met my ex at 15, had ds at 16 and had to leave school because I couldn't cope with a young baby and school work even though my parents are brilliant. I'v trained to be a hairdresser but myself through college and paid for it all myself. Now I'm single with a small child. I don't get out very often as I couldn't afford it but tbh It doesn't really interest me anyways. I love my son and wouldn't change anything thats happened for the world but its been really hard and I don't see why anyone else would want my life.

Theres only a month between us in age so I can see where your coming from with that.

OP posts:
BettyCash · 15/03/2011 17:10

She sounds nuts.

saffy85 · 15/03/2011 17:10

Are you sure it's personal? She might be a bit of a nasty cow in general. She certainly sounds the jealous, spiteful type. I know people like this, all of them women. Not that I think it's a female trait in general.

Don't let your cousin piss on your parade. You had a good time and this bloke text you the same night. He does sound keen! Lets face it, if he came on to her first he'd have either exchanged numbers with her or buggered off altogether away from both of you.

TragicallyHip · 15/03/2011 17:14

She sounds like a jealous spiteful cow tbh!

LaWeasel · 15/03/2011 17:17

She sounds horrible.

Can you just not go out with her anymore?

And definately ignore what she said about that bloke, you know what his name is, and even if the rest is all true it doesn't mena he isn't genuinely interested in you.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 15/03/2011 17:23

Thank you all so much for your replies. I honestly thought I was going to told to stop over reacting!

Anytime I have made a genuine excuse not to go out with her she gets the hump and won't speak to me for days. Because I'm young she doesn't quite understand that I don't want to go out all the time and I love being with my ds more then anything else.

I know that she's more attractive then I am and I think she likes having me around so she looks even better. that sounds really silly but she can afford to buy nice clothes a lot because she has 2 jobs and still lives at home so no bills to pay. She's had a a hard time growing up. Her dad died when she was younger and her mum got re married to an abusive man who she has only just split with after he attacked my cousin (in front of me) so I always wondered if any of this had anything to do with her behavior or maybe I just don't want to think she's just nasty?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 15/03/2011 18:33

She sounds nasty why do you associate with her Hmm, just because she is your cousin does not mean you have to be friends with her. would you have friends like that? I certainly would not. She does not sound like a nice person at all.

diabolo · 15/03/2011 18:35

BettCash - I called someone "nuts" on another thread the other day and got attacked for picking on mentally ill people! (I really wasn't).

OP - this lady does sound nuts! She's not a friend to you at all.

HecateTheCrone · 15/03/2011 18:37

why don't you just challenge her at the time?

"That wasn't a nice thing to say."

"Why did you just say that to me?"

"That was hurtful."

"What do you mean by that?"

and so what if she sulks? Doesn't sound like much of a loss if she doesn't speak to you.

Ultimately, people treat you how you allow them to treat you. So you either start standing up to her or you accept she will continue to treat you with contempt.

MissyKLo · 15/03/2011 18:48

Sorry but I am going to be harsh and ask you to grow a big pair of balls an ask you to please please please STOP letting her treat you like this! I this the kind of thing you want your child to see - someone treat you like shit?

She is a nasty nasty cow so stop making excuses for her and vow to yourself you will NOT put up with this anymore! Stop spending time with her, if she asks tell her why (use the examples you gave us) and don't le her 'excuse' her behaviour

You allow her to treat you like shit so stop it - NOW!

She is a nasty, spiteful cow who is harming you and your life

Pancakeflipper · 15/03/2011 18:48

She sounds mixed up and insecure and picking on you makes her feel better about herself - but probably only for a short period of time then most likely hates herself for doing it but can't stop.

But it is her problem. It's not your problem. You have enough to deal with from the sounds of it and you sound like someone who gets on and does things.

I think the others are gradually sussing her out.

And I think you have to start thinking of pulling her up ( politely but no nonsense) on her snide remarks. Treat it with humour?

Hopefully she'll mature and realise she's in danger of losing good supportive friendships.

emsyj · 15/03/2011 19:04

I have said this before and will say it again, so here it is. People who aren't very nice are usually people who aren't very happy. Do you know why she might be unhappy?

The problem isn't with you, it's with her. Perhaps you could try being cheerfully direct with her, as Hecate suggests. 'That sounded a bit rude, did you mean it to?' being a bit of a mumsnet classic.

Don't be tempted to let her bait you - ignore what you can, smile and quietly assert yourself where necessary. If she is horrible then people will (eventually) notice.

exoticfruits · 15/03/2011 19:05

I agree with Pancakeflipper-it is her problem-don't let her do it to you.

bumpertobumper · 15/03/2011 20:47

there are similarities between your situation and the relationship between my cousin and sister. Just a few months apart, in late teens/early twenties part of a close knit group of friends, cousin always getting digs in with snide comments, jibes, 'stealing' boys, etc. Cousin also had an unhappy/unsettled childhood which was a stark contrast to ours. I think that this is at the root of the issue - a mixture of sibling type rivalry but also jealosy, to be part of the same family but have such a different family experience - lots of subconcious issues which manefest themselves as meanness.
Sorry for armchair psychology, but we are all many years down the line and there is still tension between my sister and cousin. They pretend to get on but each confesses that the other makes her feel uneasy, generally choose not to hang out together.
I am a little bit younger and get on v well with both...

annielouisa · 15/03/2011 20:54

When her dad died did she spend more time with your family? I wonder if she is jealous of your loving parents relationship with you and how supportive they have been. She may be more attractive as you put it but she does not have the loving supportive family you do.

Timeforanap · 15/03/2011 21:01

Some girls/women just can't bear not to be the centre of attention. Sounds like that guy liked the look of YOU best!

If she says something mean, you could try just saying "Ouch!". That tells her you didn't like what she said (ie you're not stupid, you did notice she was being snide), but it's not confrontational. If she asks what you mean, tell her!

ENormaSnob · 15/03/2011 21:23

Fuck her off.

Spiteful bitch.

smokingnuns · 15/03/2011 21:55

No, don't fuck her off. She may be a spiteful bitch but if she lived in an abusive household she will be a serious mess - probably learnt all that toxic behaviour there.

NOT YOUR FAULT though! Also, imo, not personal. It may not be your fault, you may not deserve it (you don't) but give her one chance before you distance yourself. Talk to her straight - be brave - re suggestions above. She might go off in a flounce but she will hopefully see sense. I agree that people who behave badly are unhappy people. It's not your job to sort her out (don't even try! too many issues there tbh) but you can be 'safe' for her by addressing the problem - non-confrontational but clear and straight. If she's your first cousin and also in the same longstanding group of friends, it won't be easy to distance yourself but you can set some boundaries. Good luck, I hope it works out.

Original poster
JustaNickname · 15/03/2011 22:05

My dad and her mum are bother and sister and she had quite a close relationship with my dad for a while sort of like a surrogate father I suppose until he started to notice how she treated me and it more or less stopped then. I'm very close to my family and my mum and dad split up a few years ago and it all remained really amicable and pleasant which I know is quite rare I suppose she could have been jealous of this.

Thanks for all your comments I'll definitely take them all on board. I know that If I say something and she blows it out of proportion it'll start a whole family drama (honestly my dads side of the family is a bit nuts like that) and I really don't want that but at the end of the day I really am sick of her nastiness. I always thought maybe I was being to sensitive but I guess now I know I'm not. Thank you all so much for restoring my sanity!

OP posts:
proudfoot · 15/03/2011 22:08

She sounds like a bit of a cow.

With regard to the guy, some people just can't take it if they aren't the centre of attention and always say "oh he was looking at me first" etc to make out that they are the hottest of the group. I have a friend like this as well but I just ignore it as I know what she's like!

wellwisher · 15/03/2011 22:57

This woman is not your friend. She's a toxic, jealous bitch. How dare she try to crush your excitement when you meet a nice man! Angry Can you meet up with any of the other girls in your group without seeing her?

Good luck with the new man ;)

LDNmummy · 15/03/2011 23:33

She is using you as a doormat to prop up her self esteem, and she does sound very jealous of you indeed. Jealousy is a funny thing, you may never know what it is about you that she finds herslef feeling this way over. It may just be that she recognises a lot of insicurities and bad traits in herself and as you don't have these negative qualities, she is jealous of you.

She is, as others have said, toxic.

Good luck with it, don't let her ruin your self esteem Smile

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