Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

In thinking that fussy eating/dietary choices become a bit excessive and maybe even rude when.......

62 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 15/03/2011 13:04

...... it means that other people at the table must also obey them?

Ex-H was incredibly fussy, and obviously at home I had to serve meals that would suit us both (got used to it after a while, even though it meant no pasta/cheese/sauces etc etc). Not too much of a problem when we were together and it was only the two of us.

But, his food preferences would also extend out of the house, I wasn't allowed to order things in restaurants/cafes that he disliked (or hadn't had) as it 'would put him off if he knew it was there'. If I ever did he would fuss endlessly throughout the meal - made it a very uncomfortable experience.

We have a DD but have lived apart since she was 4m old. I weaned her onto things I eat (not to spite him I promise!) and she eats a varied diet and loves cheese, pasta, sauces, mayo (strangely!). She is also little and its important that she eats a well balanced meal or she doesn't gain weight.

Problem is arising because now when ex visits he will take DD for lunch, they came back the other day and he said that she hadn't eaten lunch - I asked what she'd had, it was plain bread with ham no spread (same as ex-h). I asked whether there was anything else she could have had, he just said 'no nothing suitable or that I could put up with'.

So, does a fussy eater become excessive when they also insist that other diners on their table only eat what they would eat?

On a similar note, I have a vegan friend (nothing against vegans!) who was coming to a group dinner party, I asked them what they like so I could prepare them a vegan dish and they said that they expected the whole party meal to be vegan as it was only fair that he could have everything on the table and not 'be discriminated against'.......

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2011 13:25

I'd go so far as to say that if your ex cannot feed the child properly because of his own issues with food, then he shouldn't be allowed to look after her.

It is really wrong for a parent to impose their own tastes on their children, when it comes to something as important as their health.

If he has her overnight, then you can't realistically pack all the food for her to take and would he even give it to her anyway if it is not something he would eat.

Your 'friend' should be dropped from a great height. No one has a right to impose their choices on others, especially if they are going to someone else's home. So rude.

FoiledAgain · 15/03/2011 13:25

Frankly starting to sound like something that the courts wold be interested in...Unless your access arrangements are more informal...

Anyway - uninvite Vegan. Definitely DO NOT cave in to them! YOu have had enough controlling issues around food for a lifetime!

TobyLerone · 15/03/2011 13:27

How dare he involve your daughter in his crazy little mind games with you?

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 15/03/2011 13:29

I know Toby - I think it all comes out in my subconcious - I had a dream last week that I cut his rude bits off and tried to make him eat them but he wouldn't as he doesn't like nuts...........

OP posts:

BringBackGoingForGold · 15/03/2011 13:37

They are both rude but I think your ex, as someone else suggested, has a food phobia! Apart from anything else, his food choices and issues could rub off on your currently unfussy daughter, which would be awful. Agree with the poster who said she should take her own food when he's going to be in charge of her, at least if you can't persuade him that if they are out together she can order and eat whatever the hell she likes. She should not have to pander to his stupid issues about being 'uncomfortable' around foods he doesn't like.

Re the vegan, to be honest my household quite often eats vegan (not because of any ethical/health choices, just because we get a lovely organic veg box and we all like Indian food etc, a lot of which is naturally free from animal ingredients. So if one of my dinner guests were vegan I'd probably just make a vegan curry for everyone and all would be fine. But I would not put up with a 'friend' telling me that all the food should cater for them! I'd uninvite them in this case and tell them that their remarks were upsettting.

BettyCash · 15/03/2011 13:41

Lol @ LifeisButtercream 's dream

vegetariandumpling · 15/03/2011 15:22

I'm a lot like your ex I'm afraid, although if someone eats something I can't handle I'd leave the room or something. I'm really not sure what I'll do if I ever have kids because I don't want to pass on my phobia IYSWIM. I think your ex is being very unreasonable, but I'm sure if you continue as you are with your DD then she'll grow up fine.

Ephiny · 15/03/2011 15:29

The vegan friend is being a bit rude and demanding, however she may have a point in that surely it's easier for you to cook the same thing for everyone rather than separate dishes for different people?

LaWeasel · 15/03/2011 15:38

A vegan feast wouldn't be very exciting for most guests, so if OP is wanting to put on a show it would be a shame to be so limited...

re your ex: in what ways was he controlling with you? Trying to gauge whether this was is an extreme food phobia situation, or if he was an abusive arsehole.

I would be really unhappy about DD being treated like this - and you! You should be angry that he wouldn't let you order what you wanted in a restaurant.

daimbardiva · 15/03/2011 15:43

Your friend is asking you to discriminate against all your other guests so that he can feel not discriminated against! Totally ridiculous, and downright selfish.

And I'm afraid your ex seems to have a real problem with food too - feeling he needs to restrict what others eat around him is just not acceptable.

As far as your DD is concerned perhaps it is possible to find a compromise over what she can eat when she's with him, but you definitely need a frank conversation about it.

rinabean · 15/03/2011 15:46

Are you totally sure that your vegan friend wasn't asking if they'd have a choice of sides or something like that? Like if you're doing something that has, I don't know, roast potatoes as one side and they want to be able to eat those as well as "the vegan dish"? It's still a rude way to phrase it though, you're cooking, they can't demand anything!

Your ex is weird. If he has a problem he needs to face up to it and NOT inflict it on his daughter. Everyone has something weird about them but we're grown adults so we don't try to continue them...

hanaka88 · 15/03/2011 16:11

I'm a vegetarian. I would never judge anyone for eating what they like or tell them not to! Even when my DSs family pick at a whole fish with it's head still on with chopsticks. I just look away.

confuddledDOTcom · 15/03/2011 16:23

I can't say anything that hasn't been said about either of them.

I agree with being careful not to pass it on, my mum is having that affect with my eldest, not food but she hates hair and panics if it touches her (especially as I have long hair so when it falls out it's obvious) so I'm currently having to be strict on my daughter and tell her it's only hair, it's not going to hurt her she just needs to take it off her. Same with bugs, I react to them because Mum does and I'm trying to curb that around my children because I don't want it passing onto another generation.

Your XH reminds me of an ex, only mine was worse! He only ate salt and vinegar crisps, chips, bread, butter and Haribo - there honestly was not one more food than that. He once took me to a chippie and got angry that I ordered chicken because he's a vegetarian, I told him I'd have more respect for it if he actually ate more food and he wasn't eating a food that wasn't vegetarian. I used to hate eating out with him because he would order two plates chips (starter and main) then one day we went out with my brother and his partner to an Indian, my brother said he wasn't very hungry and would just have chips. My ex went mad about why was he allowed to have just chips when people complained about him - erm... because my brother read the menu and decided it was all he fancied. He once bought new potatoes and asked me to make chips out of them(!!!) so I sliced them without peeling them, he threw the plate at me and asked if I was trying to kill him! He made his own after that

I'm so grateful we didn't have children!

springbokdoc · 15/03/2011 22:55

jeez I can see why he is your ex. it does smack of ffod phobia though.

your vegan friend can go jump. Vegetarian is more doable as you can make an entire menu that would be appealing to everyone coming. But vegan? That's a lot of work and wouldn't be to a lot of peoples taste.

I know it's ridiculous but it took ages for me to have an entirely vegetarian meal and feel like I'd eaten properly. I'm from a huge meat eating family and we still have meat every day (yip my food bill is enormous). My dh loves it when we have vegetarian friends over as he can cook something new. But I certainly wouldn't expect my vegetarian friends to cook a meal with meat just to make me feel better.

Of course food allergies are different and I would cater the entire menu to that to avoid cross-contamination.

FellatioNelson · 15/03/2011 23:41

I'm a bit speechless at this to be honest. I think you really need to pick your friends better! They both sound like rude self-centred obsessive nutters. I wonder if your vegan friend would extend the same courtesy to you and eat meat so you didn't feel discriminated against?

NonnoMum · 15/03/2011 23:49

Your vegan friend couldn't possibly be THAT rude. It must be some sort of wind up.

exexpat · 16/03/2011 00:07

I'm curious as to whether your ex tries to control the food choices of anyone else, or is it just people he feels he has the 'right'to control, like you and DD? What happens if he has a meal with anyone else in a restaurant, or goes to anyone's house? Does he manage to eat his own food while other people are eating things he doesn't like? Or is his relationship with food so strange that he can't eat with anyone else? Very odd in any case.

Oh, and as far as the vegan friend is concerned, they are being unreasonable. I am vegetarian, and I would never dream of demanding that an entire party menu was designed purely to meet my needs. One or two things I can eat is fine, and I often offer to bring something veggie if I think it's going to be a nuisance. And if the event is something I really think I will find hard to stomach, like a hog roast, I will just not go.

confuddledDOTcom · 16/03/2011 10:50

I know vegetarians who won't be in a relationship with a meat eater and won't eat with someone eating meat - see my ex story for example - so I don't believe it's a wind up.

Bogeyface · 16/03/2011 11:04

confuddledDOTcom

Did you tell your ex that haribo have gelatin in them and are therefore not vege?!

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 11:06

Wow! Well in your ex's case that is definirely excessive!

Ormirian · 16/03/2011 11:07

if we had a veggie or vegan guest I would cook veggie or vegan. We like it anway and it's healthy.

Bogeyface · 16/03/2011 11:07

I have had demanding vegans before and DH got so pissed off that when we were invited back to one place, he asked the host for steak. His argument being that we catered for the vegan so the vegan should cater for us. He didnt get steak, but there was a row after several bottles of wine and now they dont speak!

Why is a vege or vegan ok to demand a meal with no meat in a meat eaters house but also ok to not provide a meal with meat for a meat eater guest?

nannyl · 16/03/2011 11:11

YANBU
if we go anywhere for a meal I chooce what i want, other people choose what they want

nothing to do with me, what they eat, or them, what I eat.

Think id be ordering stuff he didnt like, just because i can.

& regardless of his issues he should be feeding his child properly too.. normal food, not his wierd preferences

SeeJaneKick · 16/03/2011 11:11

Agree that ex sounds lie he has a disorder. A bad one. If I were you I would seek professional advice about this...it can affect kids very badly...DD shold not be subjected to his problem.

I have an ongoing problem with Anorexia and though I am a healthy weight now, I still have hangups and oddities about food....I spoke at lengh to my GPregarding my DDs and thir view of food....my fears etc.

exexpat · 16/03/2011 11:14

Bogey - if someone was a pure carnivore, ie they didn't eat anything except meat, then I guess they could object to a vegetarian meal.

But most meat-eaters are actually omnivores - they also eat vegetables, grains, cheese, eggs and all the other things used in a vegetarian meal. They can eat meat, but they don't need to eat it at every meal. So giving them a meal with lots of things they do eat, but missing one ingredient they also eat (ie meat) should not be a problem for them.

But for vegetarians/vegans/anyone with an allergy or religious objection to a particular ingredient, being given a dish with meat or the forbidden/allergy inducing ingredient in means they cannot eat anything at all. Surely that is not so hard to understand?

Flip

1 2 3