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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in asking children to part of a wedding only?

28 replies

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:01

Was thinking about inviting children to the day bit of our wedding i.e. ceremony and drinks reception bit in pm, and then a child-free wedding breakfast in the evening after a pause for people to sort out putting children down.

How would you feel about this as a guest? Would you bring your DC and then make arrangements for the evening, or would you try to get childcare for the whole day?

Wedding would be on a Saturday, not until next year, and in London, and about 3/4 guests from London and home counties.

Thanks for your feedback....

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 15/03/2011 13:03

I think it would be really hard for those who have travelled to only bring their children for part of the day, I think it should be children for either all of the day or not at all.

IslaValargeone · 15/03/2011 13:06

Somewhat different scenario but, my dc was asked to be a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding, and then not invited to the wedding breakfast, it was a complete pita. I think you can't win really, it's nice that you are trying to include kids, but awkward in other ways too.

Original poster

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:10

Thanks FabbyChic; the choice is really between having them there for a part-day or not there at all; I would really like children there in the day, but woudl really like the evening to be a grown-ups only affair, and the potential number of children is prohibitive wrt organising childcare for them at the venue.

IslaValargeone, we would provide childcare in the evening for the bridesmaids, as I agree with you that it would not be right to ask someone to be part of the wedding party for the daytime only.

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meditrina · 15/03/2011 13:13

I think it would be difficult/expensive to make arrangements for evening childcare away from home. You would have to book a babysitter through the hotel, and depending on the age/temperament of the child/ren you might not want to leave them with a stranger.

If there is accommodation at your venue, would you be able to make a block booking for guests with children, so at least they're under the same roof? That would be handy for older DCs who can be left alone in a room, but you still need to be near. But whether that would work would depend on costs there and means of the guests.

It's probably easier to leave the children at home altogether.

Or might you be able to hire some nannies, and have a side room with sleeping bags for a kiddie sleepover? On second thoughts, perhaps not - chaos all too likely!

Original poster

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:18

Thanks Meditrina; unfortunately there is no accomodation at the venue. And we looked into hiring nannies, but our friends have 90 children between them , so the cost of evening supervision (say 6 hours pay for 18 nannies, if you assume a nanny for every 5 children) would be extortionate...

OP posts:

Original poster

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:24

Would you rather an invitation said "no DC altogether" or "no DC in the evening"? I thought that those that could manage the hotel / babysitting thing (or just popping their kids home for some) would then be able to bring their DC in the day, and those that couldn't manage it would just leave them at home all day, but would feel that they had the choice....?

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moomaa · 15/03/2011 13:26

I think it is ok to have that arrangement, we would probably come for the ceremony and drinks and then go home when the children did. Way too much hassle to go home and come back again.

I would consider leaving them with a sitter for the whole thing if they were old enough and I could convince one of my sisters to have them.

My kids have always been best behaved in the evening, even when tired, they love dancing. They are most likely to be a pita during the ceremony, meaning one of us would miss it so I would find it odd that you did it this way round.

messybessie · 15/03/2011 13:27

I would say something like

'We would love children to share our ceremony and drinks afterwards, but I'm afraid we cannot accomodate them for the wedding breakfast'

That way you are not specifically inviting them and sending them home, but then you are not excluding them entirely.

IslaValargeone · 15/03/2011 13:28

If you can tell your friends that the night do is child free, then that gives them the option of arranging night only or all day childcare. I would have thought that the majority would welcome a child free day tbh but at least then they have the choice.
You do seem to have been very thoughtful, I must admit my dd was devastated to get sent home before the party.
I hope you have a lovely day anyway.

moomaa · 15/03/2011 13:29

I think saying no DC in the evening could easily be misconstrued as most people think of the ceremony and wedding breakfast as the day and party/buffet as the evening.

You might end up with cross hungry people expecting that their DC could be at the breakfast.

Better to say DC welcome at ceremony and drinks reception.

squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 13:30

Many venues are not covered for children to be on the premises in the evening. We are going to such a wedding next month. All the parents I know who are going are looking forwards to a child free night out, where they can enjoy themselves and relax, not spend the night with one eye on their children.

Original poster

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:31

Thanks moomaa; I guess I'm thinking that it would be nice for us all to let our hair down a bit in the evening and have a lovely meal and dance without worrying about supervising the kids and am not actually a fan of children on the dance floor in the evening.

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moomaa · 15/03/2011 13:32

I get very at the whole 'enjoy a child free day thing'. Yes I'd love one thanks but in real life you need to find someone suitable to leave them with. Easier said than done.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/03/2011 13:33

Tricky but I think if you specify at the outset and make it clear what you mean then it's probably ok. If there is no accomodation at the venue then one of us would probably take DD home after the drinks. SIL's wedding last year was a nightmare because there was no accomodation there and the only place to go for some quiet was a freezing cold draughty damp room with one small sofa. It was in the arse end of nowhere in January when we were pretty much snowed in. If I had known in advance how things would play out I would have taken DD home and left DH to it. So I would have been delighted to get an invitation which laid things out in advance.

moomaa · 15/03/2011 13:33

sorry, am feeling grumpy.

thinkingkindly · 15/03/2011 13:36

I would rather the invitation said 'No DC in the evening'. Then I would decide whether to bring them for the day and not come to the evening myself, or leave them at home with childcarers for the whole thing. I would never use a hotel babysitting service.

I think your plan is completely fair, btw, and wouldn't be put out at all by your not wanting kids in the evening (why would you!).

OhCobblers · 15/03/2011 13:38

put in your "notes" with the invite that DC are invited to the ceremony and drinks reception but that you can't accommodate for the sit down dinner (as another poster suggested).

However, make it clear what time that dinner starts so that people with DC (who aren't coming back later once kids have been sorted) know when they need to "leave".

i've been to a few weddings where this was done and didn't cause any problems but was certainly helpful to know what the cut off point was IYSWIM?

elphabadefiesgravity · 15/03/2011 13:38

I think it would be awkward.

We were invited to a wedding (dh was best man) and the children who were then 2 and 6 months were invited to the ceremony and the wedding breakfast. We then took them back to my parents who had travelled with us for the evening we went back to the evening do. That was our choice though as dd gets tired early. The kids would have been welcome all day.

It is more usual to not invite children to the daytime meal due to cost but to then have a free for all buffet in the evening.

OatcakeCravings · 15/03/2011 13:39

One or the other I'd say - have children for the whole wedding or not at all. Utter pita expecting your guests to go to the ceremony with the kids and then go home or where ever they are being babysat and then return to the venue for the meal/dance. And simply not possible if you have guests travelling a distance.

What is going to happen if you choose to exclude children for part of the wedding is that your guests will either go to the ceremony and the drinks and then go home with the kids or miss the ceremony/drinks and turn up for the meal and dance.

Original poster

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:39

Agree with all that we would need to be very clear on the invitations about how the day was going to pan out.

Thanks squeakytoy, am hoping that lots of my friends will feel the same way .

No worries, moomaa; working out exactly what to do is giving me sleepless nights as I know that childcare isn't easy to arrange, but neither is a wedding where your friends have so many children...

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LaWeasel · 15/03/2011 13:46

I suppose I would expect most children to disappear off to bed by 8ish anyway (depends how old they are though) but if it is a children not allowed at the venue thing you will just have to explain so on the invite.

As well as explaining what part of the day they will not be allowed at, say what time they will need to go, because that will make it easier for people to work out whether they can make arrangements or not.

Original poster

VenetiaLanyon · 15/03/2011 13:51

Thanks, thinkingkindly and ChCobblers; clarity is key here; think we will go for a website with an info overload for guests...

Oatcakes, I was thinking that we would not be expecting the guests to go and come back; it would simply be giving them the choice to do this. I was worried that some people might, for example, have difficulties getting childcare in the day but were ok getting a sitter for the evening. Thought that this would be more flexible than saying "No DC" for the whole day?

elphabadefiesgravity, we are doing ceremony, drinks / canapes / cake in the afternoon and then the full sit down meal in the evening. Presume that you would still have left your kids with your parents if things had been done in this order?

OP posts:

LeggyBlondeNE · 15/03/2011 13:51

We're going to a wedding soon and willbe leaving after drinks to put baby down because the dinner is late and she needs breastfeeding to sleep so sitter is not an option. That's our call but as long as the day part is long enough to have a good time with couple ad friends I'd be okay with that again.

LeggyBlondeNE · 15/03/2011 13:52

ps I should add, our venue had a kids-til-9pn-only license and some of my in-laws kicked up a massive stink about it, harranging f-i-l etc... "Why shouold the kids miss al the fun?" Why are the kids up after 9pm?!

lenak · 15/03/2011 13:54

It sounds fine as long as you don't get mardy is a lot of people say they won't attend the night because they can't or don't want to get childcare for the evening.

Will you be happy with a big wedding and drinks reception and much reduced wedding breakfast and dancing?

If you will and you won't hold it against any friends who choose not to attend the wedding breakfast then go for it.

The last few weddings I've been to the kids have done the sliding across the dancefloor on their knees thing at the beginning of the night when there are no adults dancing and then they tend to go and congregate in a corner somewhere playing games with the older ones keeping an eye on the younger ones so the adults get a chance to do their thing as well.

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