To be so hurt by this?

[fedupbeingafool]

I feel that i've been treated horribly by a friend recently and would really appreciate your opinions. This is probably going to be a long one so please bear with me.

Basically I met my dp 5 years ago on a weekend away that I was dragged on by a friend of a friend. We clicked straight away and started a relationship. Now on the same weekend my best friend, lets call her 'A', got quite close to my dp's brother, 'B'. The problem I had was that he was engaged at the time so it just didn't sit right with me. They carried on seeing each other, mainly just for sex, and it started to cause a lot of problems. They seemed to think they could stay at our house and have noisy sex all night, i'm not a prude or anything but when I had to go to family do's and sit with B's fiancee it just made me feel awkward. It also caused problems in my own relationship as dp and I started keeping secrets from one another concerning A and B. We were stuck in the middle, him trying to be loyal to his brother and me to my friend. It eventually became too much and I told A that we wanted nothing to do with it anymore but I thought what she was doing was unfair to everyone concerned.
Over the years B has made a fool of A countless times. Promising her the world, saying he loved her but it just wasn't the right time to leave his fiancee but when he did he couldn't wait to be with her properly. 2 years ago B finally split from his fiancee but he loved the single life and playing the field with loads of women and didn't even tell A he was single again. He eventually started a relationship with another woman and A was gutted, totally heartbroken. When she wised up she realised how much trouble she had caused for dp and I and apologised profusely. She said she had been blinded by love for B and had believed all his lies but she was sorry now and realised what a fool she had been. She picked up her life and was doing great, she finally realised that giving a man all the sex he wants doesn't make him love or respect you.
So fast forward another few months and B splits from the new woman. Straight away he's sniffing around A again as he had her down as easy sex but she told him where to go and that she wasn't interested. I was so proud of her! B was disgusted, he's not used to women saying no, so he carried on playing the field.
Just before Christmas I noticed A and B were now friends on Facebook. I asked her about it and she said he'd sent her a message and they had got talking but they were only friends, she'd never go there again. That was ok but then she turned up at my door 3 weeks ago and told me she was now in a relationship with B. I was gobsmacked and got quite annoyed, couldn't believe she had fell for his bullshit again. She assured me it was love and that I don't know the 'real' B but he's really lovely. Eh, I do know the real B and he would say anything to a woman to get his way. He's a charmer and knows the right things to say to a woman to make them feel secure and wanted. I told A I didn't think we could be friends any more but she begged and begged so I gave in.
But here's the thing that gets me. She has now put some 'rules' to our friendship. Basically we're still supposed to be best friends but i'm not allowed talk to her about my dp and she won't talk about B. Is it just me or is that not what friends do?
She left then and I sat and thought about it and realised I can't do that. She was my best friend for 13 years but now i'm not allowed talk about one of the most important parts of my life, my dp.
We were at a family party this week end and of course A and B were there. I just stayed away from them, i'm really too hurt to talk to her and at the end of the day what have we got to talk about anymore with her new rules. But now dp is on my back and we've just had a big bust up over it. He said at the end of the day B is his brother and we're going to have to socialise with them quite often. But I can't help how I feel, I'm grieving for my lost friendship but he doesn't see it like that. AIBU in never wanting to speak to her again?

If you got this far thank you so much

I don't think i'm controlling, maybe that's how I come across but I can assure you i'm not. I was annoyed at being lied to, she even made up a whole new boyfriend to talk about but it was really B.
Like I said earlier, I did wish her well in the relationship. All i've ever wanted is for her to be happy and she knows that. She deserves someone to love and respect her as she's been messed around by men all her life. I just know what B is like, lads weekends off to sleep with as many prostitutes as they can and the likes. And this was when he was engaged!
But it's none of my business and I fully realise that. What I can't figure out is what we are supposed to talk about when together now? We can't exactly go back to small chat after 13 years of knowing each other inside out..

In your situation I think it's sensible to have a break from your friend. Family events could be awkward and may require a bit of small talk but otherwise, staying away from her - for a while at least - may help all of you. I am concerned about the strain this current situation could put on you and your partner. Having a break from her now may help re-establish a different relationship for the future (or as long as she's with B at least.) You know, when you've not seen someone for a while and they ask "what have you been up to?" and you just talk about trivial stuff that's happening, rather than when someone who knows the minutiae of your life asks the same question, you go into lots of detail and are more likely to talk about your feelings.

I also think that it's unlikely you can be close friends with someone without discussing either of your partners especially when you used to discuss this sort of thing. Ironically if you didn't care about her it'd be easier to be friends just now. "Her life, her choice, let her make her mistakes..."

FWIW the fact she hid the relationship from you for two months says quite a lot as well.

I think you are being controlling and are judging your friend. Now that they are both free, what difference does it make to you who is in a relationship with who ?? I don't get why you are cross with her, she is an adult.

Sorry havent read whole thread. Just wanted to say that her rules are just that her rules. You chat about whatever you like small talk or your dp. If you see/hear anything you don't like from B in L you choose whether to tell her or not depending on what makes it easier for you. Tell her in advance that you'll do that. If she doesnt talk about her DP thats up to her, but you can bring him up anytime you like. If she doesnt like that she'll wander off and talk to other family members. At the moment she is no longer a good friend of yours, treat her as a cousin or s in L. What I would say is 'watch your back' if she is likely to lie or say things about you to her DP that could cause problems between you and your dp.

I'm really not trying to control her and i'm certainly not judging her. I honestly hope he has changed his ways and that he'll treat her right.
My issue is only with her telling me what we can and can talk about when we're together. I'd feel this way if she was with any other man, not just B. It's not about her being in a relationship with him, it's that I can't confide in her any more nor her with me.

The past is in the past so forget it. You've told her you don't think you can be friends because of the relationship she is in when it has nothing to do with you, they are both single and free to do as they please. She knows how you feel and obviously doesn't want to hear it so she suggests you just don't talk about your partners, and you're surprised? She is reacting to your reaction of their relationship. Since they are both now free why not just be happy for them?

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their comments and advice. It was actually really good hearing all sides of it. I can totally understand how I might have come across as jealous or controlling. It really has given me a lot to think about.
I miss A terribly :( I'm in no way trying to tell her who she can and can't be with. She knows B's past and what he's capable of so she's gone into this with her eyes wide open. My only fear here is that she has admitted that he is her 'weakness' so I worry that she's just blinded by that ( I don't know if I should mention that the only other man she described as her 'weakness' before was my dd's dad who she had casual sex with for months about a year after we broke up even though it hurt me. I forgave her for that though)

Anyway, like I said, thank you all :) I really need to think carefully. Can I be friends with someone who has put provisions on our friendship? Can I just talk about the weather and stuff with someone I previously shared everything with and vice versa. I just don't know and it makes my head hurt but i'll try and figure it out..

I think it's reasonable for you not to discuss her relationship, seeing as she knows you don't approve of it. However, I don't understand why she doesn't want you to talk about your dp?

I think you have to 'grieve' for the relationship you have lost :( You have lost it, no matter what happens now - it will never be the same relationship you had before. She isn't the person you need her to be, she is not the person you should be confiding in anymore - no matter what happens.

I would say to her that you are hurt she didn't tell you up front it was B that she was seeing and that you are really worried she will get hurt again. That you feel you need to 'start again' with your relationship (with her) and that it's best you have some 'time out' for a bit. Tell her that as she is with your DH's brother, your family, that if you find out he is cheating on her you wont be able to say anything as you don't want to cause any family rifts.

I now have a fairly superficial relationship with someone I was once very very close friends with (we knew everything about each other and there were no barriers to what we'd discuss, it was like this for many, many years) but her and her DH are also friends with my Ex and his W and I'm fine with that, but it has altered our relationship beyond words. It's really sad and I miss the closeness we had - but what can you do? Life is what it is :(

She had a fling with your ex who you had a child with?! Even if you had been broken up a year this isn't ok. A best friends ex is out of bounds as far as I'm concerned. Personally I wouldn't have forgiven her for that. You just don't go there.

I think i'll get in touch with her this week and try and explain how I feel to her. I know she's probably thinking that I blanked her because I don't approve of her relationship with B where the truth is I just couldn't face talking to her when we've nothing left to talk about :(
It's hard knowing i've lost her forever but what's even harder is after sitting down and thinking about things over the last few days i've realised that maybe i've been a fool and that our friendship never really meant that much to her anyway. Sleeping with my ex is only one example.
Once again thank you all for your opinions, advice and honesty. I really appreciate it :)

Hi Fedup

Reconsider calling her up and explaining how you feel. I think she could well twist this or 'misunderstand' to B and cause a lot of trouble for you.

She didn't care how you felt when she was sleeping with your ex.

She didn't care how you felt when she was shagging in your house while your BIL was engaged to another woman.

She didn't care enough to tell you for several months she was back with him. But lied and pretended he was A N Other.

I think this one could come back to bite you. It is already causing grief between you and your DP. At the end of the day it is his brother and blood is very much thicker than water /-:

Mourn for your lost relationship. It sounds like it was a lot more for you than her. Just stay polite and non committal as you would with any woman he brought to a family party. Don't get involved any further at all!

I think it sounds like a great big pile of not your problem.

It is a bit sad, but friendships change because people do.

Just leave them too it, it is none of your business.

Polite but distand at family gatherings.

What Morloth said

Life really is too short

I'd be civil and polite when in social situations, for now. As far as your dh goes, how about he doesn't tell you anything about B and you don't ask. You do not need to know so you can tell A. If he let's something slip, still don't bother telling A. It is her problem if she wants to be with a guy like this.

I can't believe the shit advise you're getting on here OP - re, it's none of your business (that they shag noisily in your house? eg), that you just 'move on', that you're controlling. The big bogey seems to be that you're not allowed to address a moral issue with those close to you. I don't agree. Why did you let them shag in your house?

I don't think it's fair that your OH is expecting you to take it all on the chin. You are grieving your friendship (though some friend she is!). imo BF and BIL are two of a kind, as bad as each other in some ways.

Dear God, you make your feelings known in relationships, you present a moral compass too. All this shit saying you let people do what they want, it's none of your business, is just appalling. Friends look after each other, in all ways. Your friend has done neither, your OH is forcing you to go against your morals, as well as your grief. That's too much to ask imo.

The friend and BIL are consenting adults. The OP doesn't need to be involved in their relationship at all.

What do you actually suggest she do springydaffs, I see you have rejected all the other advice but not offered any of your own.

The friend and BIL are consenting adults

An example of the shit morality - or lack of - so prevalent these days. They are splattering their shit over OP but oooh noooo, can't be seen to judge! Social suicide! Can't move away to recover from a wounded heart and questionable morality.

My 'advice' was implicit Morloth.

Why can't she move away? She has to be polite to her husband's brother (for her DH's sake) and his girlfriend, what she doesn't need to do is involve herself where she is clearly not welcome anymore (in the friend's lovelife).

If she doesn't want to accept the friend's 'rules' (and I wouldn't) I would drop her as a friend, no returning phone calls, no calling her.

You seem very worried about what other people are up to springydaffs how come everyone else has to live by your morals?

What makes yours so much better than everyone elses?

I would drop her as a friend

OP is having to do that but it is breaking her heart, she is struggling with it. Her OH is insisting she act as if nothing has happened, won't let her stand aside, either to recover or as a refusal to comply. Her friend has set ground rules that OP can't stomach, rightly imo.

'My' morals are that it is usually 'wrong' to shag someone else's fiance (much less to force other people to collude in that) - morality is not always subjective.

I have broken one of my own rules and discussed you OP as a third person - apologies.

Then her problem is with her DH.

Personally I would have had a tantrum about them shagging in my house when he was engaged to someone else.

They would have been out or I would have been.

Nonetheless the OP put up with that, they are not doing anything wrong now though are they?

Their relationship is not the OP's business, no matter how they look at it.

If she doesn't want to have anything to do with her BIL and her DH does, then it comes back to her problem actually being with her DH.

I think we agree then Morloth

My point is that morality is aggressively pushed as subjective, always, in every circumstance re it's their business, don't poke your nose in, none of your business. It is not always subjective, not always up to the individual if it impacts other people, which it does and has done in this case. If anyone is seen to protest at questionable morality they are rounded on for 'judging'.

It isn't any of her business now, it was when they were shagging in her house though, but she let that go and still wants to be friends, so obviously it isn't that big of a deal for her.

I don't put up with people anymore, I am far to short tempered. I can't change or control people and as long as they are not breaking any laws it is none of my business who they are shagging.

OP needs to stop worrying about them, stop seeing them (except possibly at family gatherings where she can treat them like a distant aunt or something). If her DH insists on his brother being a big part of her life then she needs to have it out with him, the brother is irrelevant.

I should have said, when they were shagging at 'our' house it was actually only dp's house at the time. I only moved in 2 years ago. I had no say really at the time but thankfully dp saw sense and put a stop to it. They were told it wasn't to happen under this roof again, that we had no say in what they were doing but we weren't going to make it easy for them by letting it happen here. It didn't stop them chancing their arm though. This was how it eventually fizzled out for the pair of them as they weren't willing to pay for a hotel for their adventures!