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AIBU?

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Original poster

to find OH's stonewalling unacceptable

35 replies

tetleytea · 15/03/2011 09:37

How bad is stonewalling? My OH has always had this tendency but i've tried hard to overlook it. But in the last year or so it's really started to get to me.

He's admitted that he knows he does it, and that it's infantile...

OP posts:
nethunsreject · 15/03/2011 09:38

Can you explain? [dense]

squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 09:43

Is it like rock-climbing or roof-thatching? I say every man should have a hobby. Wink

HecateTheCrone · 15/03/2011 09:43

delaying tactics. not giving straight answers. being evasive.

very annoying.

I think the only way to deal with it is direct challenge at the time

"Look, if you're not going to give me a straight answer, I'm just going to go ahead and do X"

give us some examples and I am sure we can come up with lots of responses between us.

but basically - it involves challenging him at the time he does it - even to the point of saying "you are stonewalling"

nethunsreject · 15/03/2011 09:47

Ah, right. Like being a politician?

Hmm, that would be frustrating. Yep, I'd do the direct challenge.

Tell us more - I'd love to come up with smart arse replies.

Original poster
tetleytea · 15/03/2011 09:53

It's when you shut off completely, basically sulking! Stony silence,no communication, monosyllabic (sp?)replies, ignoring other person unless absolutely necessary....

OP posts:
HecateTheCrone · 15/03/2011 09:55

so say something.

"Oh, are we not talking now?"

"Ok, well, you let me know when you are ready to stop sulking"

"I wish you would discuss things in an adult manner instead of sulking"

"Sulking is very childish"

"I know that you are hoping that if you sulk for long enough, and refuse to speak to me, that you will manipulate me into dropping this / doing what you want, but your emotional blackmail is not going to work on me."

"Oh for god's sake, grow the fuck up!"

carryon · 15/03/2011 09:55

Is he doing it in response to something you do and is it deserved? Or is he doing it out of proportion to whatever has upset him or just a way of expressing his mood. I gave DH the silent treatment for 2 days once - but boy did he deserve it Wink

HecateTheCrone · 15/03/2011 09:57

or how about

"God, you're so sexy when you sulk like a child. It really turns me on and I respect you so much."

nethunsreject · 15/03/2011 09:59

Oh, I can't bear sulking.

I'd rather have a proper argument. FIL is a fucking awful sulker. Anyway, I digress.

'We can't solve this unless you are willing to talk about. Let me know when that is.'

Rosedee · 15/03/2011 10:03

Lol Hecate. I've told dp that sulking is so not attractive and if he wants to have sex again he needs to speak to me like an adult. It's the most irritating thing ever and designed to make you feel like shit and I hate it! He has got better recently. Call him on it then ignore ignore ignore. Don't let him know he's getting to you it's a silly game.

HipHopopotomus · 15/03/2011 10:03

DP used to do this but he doesn't anymore. I just let him know how inflicting his shitty mood on the whole family was a real downer for us all, and then I asked him to please take himself elsewhere if he was going to be like that & see if he could find anyone else who wanted to have that crap inflicted on them!!!! He took on board how unfair it was for everyone (after about 2.5 years of living together) and big up to him, he has totally dealt with it and changed his ways.

I never called it stonewalling - just sulking/being a moody bastard esp as it would often come out of the blue and I wouldn't know what was up.

I'm so grateful not to live with it anymore - it really affected the way I felt about him. Keep at him - this behaviour can be changed.

HipHopopotomus · 15/03/2011 10:07

It wouldn't have been so bad if he had a shed or somewhere he could sulk in but we live in tiny flat.

Vallhala · 15/03/2011 10:25

My response would be to tell him to get out and to come back when and if he can act like a big boy. I can't abide sulking and won't tolerate it.

I'd definitely go ahead and do whatever it was that my OH was sulking about too.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/03/2011 10:34

My DH does this:

"Oh for god's sake, grow the fuck up!"

Tends to be fave response these days. Then I just go off and do my own thing until it happens.

DumSpiroSpero · 15/03/2011 10:36

Mind you, Hecate, I like your last suggestion. Might give that a go next time Grin!

AfricanExport · 15/03/2011 10:49

lol, Love the solution Hecate has provided.

My DH does it too. It is a 3 day process and very annoying and causes bad vibes. We have been together for 23 years and he still has not grown out of it.

My very mature response now, after years of living with it, is to completely ignore him. If you want to pretend you're not there, I'll play your game. I simply don't acknowledge him at all until he gets over himself. Blush

Laquitar · 15/03/2011 11:11

It is very powerful. More powerful than arguing, shouting, swearing. It reduces you little by little and it can make you very ill because there is not the release of emotions there is in a proper healthy argument.

The problem is that you get so used to it you don't know how bad and harmful it is, you only know when/if you leave and have a healthy relationship. (been there for 8 years).

The person who does it knows very well what he is doing. But why should he change, why should he bother to make efford to communicate if this way works and makes him powerful?

Honestly, don't try to talk to him, don't beg, don't joke. Just tell him to get out.

AfricanExport · 15/03/2011 11:27

So true Laquitar. It is very powerful and can be soul destroying for the recipient. I really used to get very upset and end up in tears, crying myself to sleep at night. As the 'victim' you need to be able to redress the power struggle - I found that not making dinner, ironing etc. helps Smile. I used to try and 'fix' the issue, go out of my way to bring about peace - often apologising when I had done nothing wrong just to stop the silence. I've grown out of that now - don't care that much. You want to give me the silent treatment? I can give as good as I get.

Luckily with my OH it's an annual thing - if it happened more often I think our relationship would not have lasted. Which would be sad because we are very happy and love each other very much.

Laquitar · 15/03/2011 11:39

Oh yes, African, i remember the 'trying to fix it'. Or trying to prevent it Sad

Original poster
tetleytea · 15/03/2011 15:30

Bump? Thanks ladies, appreciate the wise words, i'm struggling a bit

OP posts:
HecateTheCrone · 15/03/2011 16:03

I'm not surprised.

So what are you going to do about it?

You can't just sit back and be his victim.

(victim of the manipulative sulking)

BranchingOut · 15/03/2011 16:08

Mine did it for 11 days in December.

Our marriage is not that great at the moment.

BettyCash · 15/03/2011 16:14

BranchingOut are you kidding?

I do this sometimes. Blush
But then so does boyf. Doesn't everyone struggle to express themselves sometimes? Esp when fighting.

HecateTheCrone · 15/03/2011 16:36

no. I never struggle to express myself when fighting Grin

And I don't see how it helps.

I am really cross with you so in order to solve it, I am going to refuse to speak to you for several days and I won't tell you how I feel and I am not going to work with you to solve the problem. I will, however, grunt and glare at you and generally behave in a childish, petulant manner.

Yes. that'll work. Grin

UC · 15/03/2011 16:51

HipHopopotomus, that's really interesting. any tips on how to do it?!

DP does this too. He uses the Women from Venus argument to me... (drives me mad..), and says he's "in his cave". Fine, go in there. Actually I find if I leave him to it, he comes round quicker, and then does actually talk.

Also recognise what AfricanExport says, and agree - don't apologise if you've done nothing wrong (or he can't even tell you what he's pissed off about!!!), don't try and "fix" it, and don't beg him to talk to you. Redress the balance so you're in a strong position for your own peace of mind.

I think Nethunsreject has a great answer - 'We can't solve this unless you are willing to talk about it. Let me know when that is.' Say that, then go off shopping, have a bath, phone a friend, go out with the kids. Whatever, but don't give the sulk any attention. But don't let him get away with just "getting over it" either - he should talk to you... he needs to learn to talk to you....

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