to find OH's stonewalling unacceptable

[tetleytea]

How bad is stonewalling? My OH has always had this tendency but i've tried hard to overlook it. But in the last year or so it's really started to get to me.

He's admitted that he knows he does it, and that it's infantile...

Oh I can associate with this! DH does it lots - I find it his most annoying quality. I would rather have a big argument and then sort it out but he can't cope with arguing so after any crossed words/disagreement he just sulks. I used to get annoyed and try and get him to speak and then get in a sulk too! Can't do this with DS around so basically I just ignore him and get on with my life until he offers some sort of peace offering/response and then I respond as nice as pie as if never happened.

Drives me insane though and we rarely get what we we were"discussing" sorted. We have spoken about it but he claims he just can't help it - it is the way he is - poor excuse I think. But then my opinion of DH is not that high these days.

Does not really help OP - sorry.

Hmmm - not too sure - persistence & 'tough' love???

Firstly I accepted that whilst I prefer to talk thing through, DP is more of an insular thinker (he prefers to think things through on his own first & then give me his position, at which point we can move into my discussion if I can still be bothered) and as annoying as that is for me, I know I can't force him to do things MY way.

HOWEVER, the moody/stonewalling I actually think was solved by DD. She is now 3 and very perceptive. I kept persistently making my point that the flat is too small to live with someone who has the hump for 5 days at a time, and that it makes ALL of our lives unbearable. I started asking him to please go elsewhere so he can be moody without inflicting us all with his 'pain'. A couple of times he actually did go and stay at his Mum's. But it was when he started to realise that DD was also feeling it & questioning him as to why he was being grumpy etc, the shame of that, along with my persistant non-acceptance of his foul ways, broke him down.

He also had anger 'issues' - well I'd say more he indulged his anger and wallowed around it in unnecessarily for days, which was totally unacceptable as far as I was concerned. So I would ask him to take that elsewhere too.

I'm usually a pretty easy going person, not a control freak etc, but I knew if I was to be happy living with this man then these moody indulgences had to stop. I'm a great believer that home is where we should feel safe and happy, and I just persistently made it clear that although I loved him, I would not be spending my life/years living with someone who inflicted himself on others this grossly unfair and disproportionate way. We may live in a small flat but it's our home, our sanctuary from the world, and persistent moodiness was not part of the picture as far as I was concerned.

He changed - I always knew he could. Now I see him get annoyed about something, take himself off for 5-15 minutes and come back all smiley and genuinely relaxed having dealt with whatever the issue was, or let me know he thinks X is out of order etc & we discuss, whereas before it might be a 5 days of foulness. He's learnt how to let things go, how to manage his emotions better and not indulge/splash around in his misplaced anger/moodiness. He is much happier for it - we all are.

"'We can't solve this unless you are willing to talk about it. Let me know when that is.' Say that, then go off shopping, have a bath, phone a friend, go out with the kids. Whatever, but don't give the sulk any attention. But don't let him get away with just "getting over it" either - he should talk to you... he needs to learn to talk to you...."

Yes that is all an important part of it too. Just ignoring and refusing to buy into the guessing game of "what have I done to cause this???" is important - just get on with life as best you can and ignore, ignore ignore. Doesn't mean that it is easy though and it does grind you down after a while.

Still no one wants to live with bad vibes everywhere - yeah I get the whole 'cave' thing, but I think this 5 day + moody/stonewalling/no eye contact/longface thing is more about anger and is unacceptable. Going into your man cave I've got no problem with that - we all need a little emotional/mental space from time to time.

Thanks HipHop. Very interesting... I notice DP is getting better and better slowly... His moods don't last 5 days though - more like a few hours usually. 5 days is waaaay too long, and I agree totally unacceptable! just amacks of someone who hasn't learnt very effective methods of communication..?

DP is also an insular thinker - he likes to have time to think on an issue before we talk about it, so he can sort out his position in his head. Which is fine - except I am a more emotional thinker, who reacts quickly, but forgives and forgets quickly too. I've learnt that when I am annoyed about something, to say so, to leave it with him, and say that "I would like to talk about this later please".

The other thing I notice is that by leaving him with his time to consider things, he comes to the discussion far more willing and able to listen. And then of course to act!

I have to remind myself that the mood may in fact be nothing to do with me! It's easy to assume it is, but sometimes it's something as simple as "I'm just a bit tired and grumpy, and hungry". I now ask him outright - "are you grumpy with me, or are you just feeling a bit grumpy in yourself?", and he has learnt to tell the truth.....

Still irritating though, I'd love a good old humdinger of a row at times to clear the air!

my husband also likes to get things straight in his own mind before discussing them.

The difference is that he says so and he is fine with me in all other ways while he thinks about the issue. So we still chat and laugh and play and make each other cups of tea and then, when he has had time to think, he comes back to the issue.

I have no problem with that. Sulking, grunting and refusing to interact at all is very different and deserves a huge kick up the arse.

'Let me know when that is'

Why? Why he should always have the power to dictate when you can talk and when not?

I agree with Hecate. 'a huge kick up the arse'.

Hmm DP does this. Yes i just ignore it and after half a day or so i tell him "the mantrum (man tantrum) is boring me now, man the fuck up and talk to me right now or get out of that door with at least one or both children and do something fun with them" cause even if your sulking your still a parent i'm not fussing over you.

I used to, god i use to leave him sulking for 3+ days straight. In that time he did nothing at all(shut himself off in garage or bedroom watching tv) it was as if the kids had wronged him in someway as well (not that i had wronged him either iyswim?) he was horrible to live with. But i enabled him i'd simper around him making him cups of coffee and planning nice treats for tea, usually i forgot about what we had disagreed over and nothing ever got resolved. About 8mths ago we had a row about his family, where so much came out i couldnt stop i didnt realise i had so much resentment built up. I screamed ranted and raved for hours ( which i have never done) and he didnt say anything or do anything. The morning after he went into the predicable sulk/stonewall, so at 11am i went and found him outside messing about in garage, i didnt raise my voice i simply said " stop sulking, Your a man not a toddler".

Things have been alot better since, we are talking much more. resolving things as they come up together. I feel our relationship has matured.

Stonewalling is hard to live with, so its what you can put up with i suppose.

Next time he sulks get up and take his picture. Then go on fb and make an album called sulking and put it on for all to see. Every time he sulks take another picture and put it on.

His mates will start taking the p out of his stupid behaviour and hopefully he will improve.

My dh sulks sometimes I just let it ride and ignore him after about 2 hours his okay again. Other times when Ive got pms I will follow him around until he sits down and say are you going to sulk all night if so Im p*ssing off and then he snaps out of it.

Start treating him like a toddler if he sulks like one. My dh likes to sort things through in his mind before vocalising them but he doesn't sulk. It is childish and IMHO if he acts like a child then he can't expect to be treated as aan adult in an equal relationship. You deserve better than that. Otherwise maybe give him some strategies to help him avoid the 'shut down'

OMG, brings it all back! I dealt with ex's stonewalling very very badly. Tried everything to get him to talk and when he wouldn't I withdrew - didn't cook his evening meal, didn't do his ironing and finally refused to have sex with him. This was the wrong approach - what I should have done was continued to try to get him to talk and, when he didn't I should not have changed the situation by ending the marriage (which led to vast unhappiness for all, a custody case etc) but by changing parts of my own life e.g. going back to work earlier than I did and getting help in the house. If someone else refuses to accept the need for change no matter what then you are really stuck. Not commending my experience to anyone for one minute but thinking the grass is always greener may definitely not be true. It took all of us years even to begin to recover. Glad Alphamummy that your situation has improved.