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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my DP to wait until we are all at the table before he starts eating?

66 replies

Wyke129 · 14/03/2011 14:31

This comes up again and again for us. My DP picks up his fork before I place ihis plate in front of him. He thinks I am being controling in asking him to wait until we are all seated to start eating. What views do people have on this?

OP posts:

upahill · 14/03/2011 15:50

We all wait until everyone is ready in our house.

Sometimes the kids forget and may start picking but then usually remember their manners.

pantaloons · 14/03/2011 15:53

We all wait until everyone is seated and they have to sit and wait until everyone has finished as well. Unless I am taking a meal round to the old lady next door, in which case they all start and I catch up(ish).

grottielottie · 14/03/2011 15:54

If someone has gone to the trouble of cooking you a meal the least you can do is wait a couple of seconds for them to join you.

I think it's really important to have standards set and stick to them day to day with manners in general (esp table maners) then when you are in a more formal environment you know how to behave and they become second nature. This isn't to say that there isn't room for pizza eaten with hands infront of the tv at times though obviously.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 14/03/2011 15:55

s/I think it is rude. It is polite to wait until everyone is seated. H has a habit of eating really bloody quickly and helping himself to seconds before anyone else is even halfway through their meal. Drives me insane.

ZombiePlan · 14/03/2011 15:58

It's extraordinarily rude. But easy to solve - just bring his plate to the table when you go to sit down, and not before...

NettoSuperstar · 14/03/2011 16:01

DD gobbles hers and asks for more when I'm still eating, and it drives me mad.
It's polite to wait until everyone is served before starting, and everyone is finished before asking for more.

Francagoestohollywood · 14/03/2011 16:05

YANBU, he is being rude.

olderandwider · 14/03/2011 16:12

Serve him last if it bugs you. I think the annoying thing about people starting to eat at different times is that the person who starts first will usually finish first and then sit there staring at everyone else whilst they finish.

upahill · 14/03/2011 16:12

Nobody leaves the table until everyone is finished either.
It doesn't kill anyone to sit and chat about their day or what's going on in the world until everyone has finished their meal.

MardyBra · 14/03/2011 16:14

Why is he sitting there waiting for you to serve him? Shouldn't you both be serving the meal together?

Original poster

Wyke129 · 14/03/2011 16:16

I think it's particularly rude when the person who has cooked isn't even at the table. I was at someone's house once where the husband told everyone to tuck in (the wife had cooked and was still doing finishing off bits in the kitchen) and by the time she sat down a few people who had followed husband's advice had nearly finished.To me the conviviality of eating together is far more important than a couple of degrees C on the food.

It is what I call a 'luxury problem' of course. There are far worse things a DP can do, it's just that this one comes up at least once a day and is a niggle.

Not surprised it's lower middle-class. I suspected it might be!

OP posts:

NormanTheForeman · 14/03/2011 16:21

If dh was sitting at the table waiting, I'd expect him and ds to wait until I sat down until they started (and they usually do). However, he is often upstairs in his study when I call him down. Usually ds and I wait a couple of minutes for him. But sometimes he takes ages to come downstairs, and then we would start, after already waiting a couple of minutes, otherwise the dinner would get cold.

sonearsofar · 14/03/2011 16:23

When my extended family (15 of us) all get together, they start eating as soon as they get their food, so, by the time I've sat down they've finished and are thinking of pudding. Very rude IMO but just one of those things that never get aired who who knows what else would come out of the cupboard. Apparently the children can't be expected to wait as well.

cheekeymonkey · 14/03/2011 16:25

You must be a really good cook if he can't wait to get stuck in but it is rude. After you have gone to the trouble to cook the least everyone can do is sit and wait for everyone to be seated before they start so that you can feel appreciated. I am at least happy that so many people are sitting around a table at mealtimes

upahill · 14/03/2011 16:28

Why is he sitting there waiting for you to serve him? Shouldn't you both be serving the meal together?

MardyBra I think you are just putting fuel on the fire there tbh. It's not always necessary to have two pwople serving.

We both cook but who ever does the cooking does the serving as well and the others will do the washing and tidying later.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 14/03/2011 16:31

Plate up before serving. Carry two plates over at the same time.

JelliBelli · 14/03/2011 16:33

He thinks I am being controling in asking him to wait until we are all seated to start eating.

Isn't the rest of the family already sitting at the table waiting too when the food is served?

We all wait for or help the server then begin together. Nobody leaves until the last one is finished either.

Lonnie · 14/03/2011 16:35

Incredibilly rude and imo shows very little respect for you.

Also imo shows little consideration toward ensuring that your children grow up with manners. Many people get put off by people having bad table manners this can later on in life be one of the reasons why you do not get a promotion.

usualsuspect · 14/03/2011 16:35

It doesn't bother me ..but we don't always sit at the table to eat either

judgejudie · 14/03/2011 16:38

if this is the biggest thing you have to worry over, you are very fortunate

anonacfr · 14/03/2011 16:39

It's not lower middle class, it's good table manners.

My family in law does it and I find it very rude. I remember once they were visiting (7 of them plus two kids). I was having awful morning sickness.
They all went for a stroll while I made lunch for everyone. Then when they got back I had to quickly feed DS then run upstairs to put him down for a nap.
I came down and they'd all sat down and started eating without me. It was a big salad meal so no food-getting-cold issue. They were basically hungry so sat down and ate. I didn't get a 'sorry we didn't wait' or anything like that.

Frankly I felt like the cook- might be hormones but I nearly burst into tears there and then.

CornflowerB · 14/03/2011 16:39

Agree is is beyond rude not to wait until the person serving the meal has sat down, unless he or she has told you to go ahead. Otherwise you are not really eating together are you? Just troughing like little piggies. And in my experience it is certainly not lower middle class to wait. For further evidence
www.debretts.com/etiquette/food-and-drink/table-manners/basic-rules.aspx

Sorry to hijack, but on the subject of table manners at what age should a child be expected to use a knife and fork properly?

BlingLoving · 14/03/2011 17:07

I am really very surprised to see how few people have an issue with this. We were taught that basic tablemanners dictate that you don't start until everyone has their food. Just like we were taught to chew with our mouths closed, how to use a knife and fork, not to stretch over people at the table etc. That doesn't mean we don't break the rules sometimes, but everytime I eat out with friends or for work or at someone's house, I am grateful to my parents for teaching me the basics.

However, I would also argue that as the person serving up, you should make an effort to get it done and not faff around. It drives me mad when DH serves and then keeps having to wander off to get things he's forgotten. Similarly, as children, if we were responsible for setting the table, it was considered pretty poor if we forgot obvious things like napkins or salt/pepper which would delay the meal while someone scurried around picking up whatever is missing.

The exception, is that sometimes, at dinner or a restaurant, the person serving or whose food has not turned up, may say to the rest of the table, "please start, don't wait" and you shoudl do so in that case I think because otherwise it just makes the person delaying everyone else feel very very self conscious. DH disagrees and will continue to wait, so that sometimes gets tricky with us!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 14/03/2011 17:41

Norman - that's even worse! How rude to stay upstairs for ages when someone has prepared a meal and they are waiting to eat!

bakingday · 14/03/2011 17:50

I agree your dh should wait until everybody's at the table, especially you as you've cooked! I've got the opposite problem though, my dh is in the habit of wandering off once he's finished, leaving us all still eating! I keep telling him about this but he doesn't seem to get that it's rude. The other weekend I went out and got fish and chips for us all, was plating up when dh said "Oh don't worry about a plate", and proceeded to stand next to the telly, wolfing down his chips not taking his eye off the football, while me and dc's are sat at table using cutlery and plates!

I told him I didn't think much of this and his response was he can't do a thing right Men, they just don't get it do they!

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