to be a bit defensive? (parents and housework standards)

[LifeIsButtercream]

I wouldn't go as far as to say my parents are neat-freaks, but they are both retired and have a nice home and plenty of time to keep it to the standards that they choose.

I'm a lone parent, with a one-toddler-demolition-crew 22m old, and I'd be the first to admit that I am the Clutter Queen (not as bad as I used to be mind!). My home is not dirty, a hoover a couple of times a week, every night all the toys get put away, the washing up is (usually) done daily and the kitchen cleaned and wiped down. Most of the housework is done when DD is in bed (I see little point in tidying away toys when DD is going to tip them out again in 5 minutes). Basically you'd be hard-pressed to find anything dangerous in my house, but you also won't find a show-home.

Whenever my parents come round, they always seem to find something out of place, stuff piled on the sofa, a teatowel on the kitchen floor, some 'shoemud' on the hall carpet from DD's wellies, plastic fish under the sofa, half-unpacked bag of shopping, pile of washing-up waiting to be done etc etc etc..... which always prompts my mum to say something like "are you struggling to keep on top of the housework?" or "oh, I see you've worked your magic in here" or "I wouldn't leave the kitchen like that, I like a clean kitchen" or "I wouldn't do anything else if I had that to do".

I try and try to explain that sometimes I'm busy with DD, we're doing activities, I'm cooking, etc etc etc. Of course its always midday when they come round so there is always some chaos - they don't see it in the evenings when I've had chance to do everything. I wanna make the most of the time I get with DD and not leave her alone all the time cos I'm buffing the bath taps/massaging the worktops/polishing the cat.

So sometimes I get a bit defensive, gently mind - I've not actually gone as far as to say "back off" but I've gently indicated that I'm aware of what needs doing and will get round to it - although this is usually met with "well I don't understand why you don't just do it".

Recently they've started indicating that its not a healthy environment for DD, and she might "end up like me". I don't like them saying that, like I'm some kind of slovenly squalor-dweller.

My mum's fave line is "our home was never like this when you were DD's age" - I have pointed out to her that my dad was also there when not at work so she did have more toddler-free time than I do.

And yes, I know I'm an undomesticated nightmare, its totally not my area! But I'm also not a dangerous mum!

Basically, I do now what needs doing now, and leave the rest for later - my mum does EVERYTHING now, but also has the time to do that.

AIBU to be a little defensive - and think its not that big a deal?

Blimey - thanks for reading - that turned into a rant! I feel much better now!

we all have different standards

a mumsnetter told me a great line once that i think you should use

'did you mean to be rude? i could have sworn you were just rude?'

Hehe I do like that one custardo

For it's money's worth - my favourit is:

"I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong"

It's not that big a deal. Most people's houses are like that, at best. Your mother needs to learn some manners.

I'd say something like, "I'm happy with my housekeeping standards, and I value the fact that I can spend time with my child. I don't criticise you for the choices you make, so please don't criticise me".

Stop inviting them round. Go to theirs, let dd make a mess then leave it to them to clean up.

I used to get this and I'd just say 'You're welcome to re-do it to your standards' and wave a hand in the general direction of the tea-towels/dusters/cleaner etc. It used to grind me down I must say, so YADNBU

Yanbu!

Time and time again on Mumsnet I am completely shocked at the way older people feel they can criticise their grown up children.

If she were my mum I'd have snapped long ago with "a for heaven's sake mum are you going to say something about my housekeeping every single time you come round here? Would you do that to one of your friends? I am not going to change the way I do things to suit you because I think dd benefits from having my attention more than she would benefit from living in a show home!" or similar.

Next time she says "our home was never like this when you were DD's age" you could try "No. Fortunately I have different priorities."

I don't really think you should be rude back, tempting though it is. But pointing out to her that she is being rude (I like Custardo's suggestion) is worthwhile. She's probably a little bit worried about you because you don't seem to be living the life she did, and she probably thinks she did it all "properly". You need to make it clearer to her that you are your own woman and it's time she butted out all good.

Oh I totally understand. I am a single parent work full time (sometimes 50hours per week) and to be honest when I'm not working I'd rather be with the boys than cleaning. Like you I do the bare minimum to keep things presentable and safe. It's clean but there is one room (and a garage where things just get dumped).

My parents are always going on about it. They offer to take stuff to the tip if I clear out the garage. They just can't seem to grasp that I just don't see it as important and I just don't have time. I tell them I'll do it when I retire!!!

What particularly irritates is that although my Mum was a SAHM we don't have a particularly close relationship. As a child I never actually rmember seeing much of her or doing things together because she was always cleaning and tidying.

I hope that when I'm dead and buried won't be saying 'I wish she'd done more cleaning' and will instead talk about all the fun times we had!

All through my adulthood Mum criticised me in a good natured way about being a slattern (which I am). When she visited, I always had a good clear up, and she still found stuff that was not up to standard.

After many years of this, she confided that her own mum had done just the same, and how annoyed she (my mum) had been when her mum came round and polished the kettle.

Perhaps it's just what mums do - part of not being able to let go of mothering us.

my mum would often come round and usually after we'd eaten, she would wash up and then proceed to clean the whole kitchen. I was offended, but then decided that if she likes to do it, then I'll let her. She spends half her weekend, every weekend, cleaning their bathroom, even if dad did it in the week (he's retired) and cannot possibly allow the house to be anything but spotless if anyone is coming round (even close family). DP and I try to keep on top of things but simply DON'T have the time. I would just be honest, next time she passes comment just say if it really bothers her, there's the mop!

Plastic fish under the sofa? Does she look under the sofa for your slovenliness?

If she does I'd have a bag ready for next time with a 'Well while you're down there....'

Agree with hocuspontas which is exactly what I would say to anyone who mentions my untidyness.

If she kept things perfect when you were small, and you turned out "like this", then what proof is there that your DD won't turn out to be a neat-freak like her?

I think I'm lucky, if my MIL thinks the house needs any cleaning (which it usually does!) then she just apologises for not coming round to clean...

Tell her your days are for spending with DD and you do any chores that need doing when she's gone to bed.

When my kids were small my house constantly had the just been burgled look...washing piled up, dishes in the sink, toys lying about, I was busy working full time and spent my free time with my kids doing stuff, now they are grown up they laugh at how our house is now a show home, because I have time and they are off doing their own thing. I am really close to both my kids and they have some fantastic memories of things we used to do, my mum was very house proud and put tidying up before doing anything, I have no memories of her grown up other than cooking and cleaning, we weren't allowed friends in the house and obviously we are not close...tell your mum shes welcome to tidy up if it annoys her that much!!

YANBU to think that it's nobody elses business how your house looks.

But I do struggle with the idea that it's impossible to keep a house tidy when you're at home all day. I'm a single parent and I work full time, absolutely detest housework in any form, but I still manage to keep it tidy.

I think there's a generation difference but my mum has certainly come round to my way of thinking regarding ironing - the iron is always set up and you only iron the item of clothing if it needs it rather than standing fro 2 hours working through a pile and ironing teatowels (which mum used to do).

You could get dd to help (I know my dd loves doing this to a point), but just think what you can do when she gets her 15 hours a week free childcare.

My house used to be immaculate - it isn't now, but I still have a certain standard or I get quite down. It may just be your mum being concerned for you. Maybe she could take dd out for a few hours a week so you can blitz the house?

When my parents visit we attack the house and it's immaculate for their arrival - well, less so right now as I'm pg with twins, but in the past we did!

Yanbu. Either they offer some tactful help or stop criticising.

My mum is super duper houseproud. It was actually not much fun growing up in it as a child as housework was 100% the main priority every spare minute to the detriment of anything else. I do think, despite what she may say, she does rather enjoy it

I have a bigger family and a smaller house than my parents and mess is an inevitable factor. I hate it and am usually engaged in some ongoing battle to combat it; interspersed with regular periods of defeat.

My mum has helped out at various particularly difficult times (like when dt's and dd1 were very small). She's very good at getting stuck in if required without making me feel bad about it. Not so much these days - tbh I wouldn't want her to now - but def when dc were younger and it was esp hard, or if on occasion I have been ill.

I can't imagine not doing the same for my dc tbh. I hope I can do more in fact. I know too well how tough it can be and would gladly help out if I thought they were struggling. Standing about picking holes and swanning off is very unkind.

Hahaha. My mum used to do this. I just pointed her in the direction of the cleaning stuff and told her to knock herself out. Away she'd go like a little cleaning dervish. Obviously I'd make sure she was over at least once a week.......

There's an expression "If the house is perfect then the children aren't the top priority." Very true. You could ask your mum if she has heard that expression?

Your house sounds about normal to me. I agree much more important to spend time with you LO than doing housework all day.

My FIL once mentioned some cobwebs in the hall and I said "the dusters in there if it bothers you". He has never commented again.

'But I do struggle with the idea that it's impossible to keep a house tidy when you're at home all day. I'm a single parent and I work full time, absolutely detest housework in any form, but I still manage to keep it tidy.'

But you've nobody in your house all day making a mess. OP has 2 toddlers at home.

OP - smile and nod.

we have the same standards and the same mother by the sound of it! Last time my mum made one of her thinly veiled comments, I told her that I was going to go out leaving her alone with my 1yo and 3yo for a couple of hours, and would like to see how much she managed to clean whilst I was gone. She soon shut up.

YANBU with regards to them making comments, everybody has their own standards.

However, given you dont appear to work and only have one child at home I go agree with the poster that says it should be easy to keep on top of everything. Most mums have to work and do the domestic stuff, being home all day and night means far more time for house things.

firework my house is always tier when we haven't been there all day to make it untidy.

Thankfully, my mother is an even bigger slattern than I am. My house is immaculate by comparison!