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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my mother might have bought me a birthday present?

47 replies

drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 20:24

well, that's it really. DP's mother bought me something very nice and generous; I don't expect anything extravagant - a very cheap book, or some notelets would have done...I know I am an adult, but I wouldn't dream of not getting her anything/not sending flowers/taking her out to lunch. I think I feel a bit hurt really, given how hard I try with my mother, but nothing is ever really enough. Also, I am now the age my father was when he died, so I feel a bit Confused about it all.

Have been reading the thread about narcissistic mothers, and bells are ringing. Loudly.

OP posts:
sloggies · 12/03/2011 20:28

Sorry this has been so hard for you...some mothers are just like that. It's good that you have your MIL.Hope you are able to have a Wine or a Brew.

crystalglasses · 12/03/2011 20:33

My mother stopped giving me presents once I got married. She said she couldn't afford it and I know she was short of money so I didn't mind. She always tried to find a nice birthday card to send me and I appreciated her effort.

Unwind · 12/03/2011 20:37

Do you think she might have simply forgotten?

Otherwise, given the effort you make, YANBU for being hurt.

Where is this thread on narcissistic mothers, I've got one of those, and am brooding tonight.

Grumpla · 12/03/2011 20:40

But she gave you "the greatest gift of all! The gift! Of Liiiiifffe"

Did she definitely remember your birthday?!? If so, why not breezily say "Oh, I'm glad we're not bothering to do birthday presents any more, I always put so much time into finding yours, what a relief not to have to do that any more!"

GlynisIsFixed · 12/03/2011 20:41

I sometimes wish my mother DIDN'T buy me gifts as they are a stark reminder of how little she knows/cares about me.

That reads very harsh, I know, but since the list contains a 2nd hand kettle which was green and rusty inside and a sofa with broken springs, it's hard to feign gratitude.

unMN hug for OP

mmsmum · 12/03/2011 20:41

I didn't even get a card this year and it wasn't until I mentioned it that she said she had forgot. How you can forget after 30+ years is beyond me

Waits for MN to tell me I have a sense of entitlement

beesimo · 12/03/2011 20:42

This is sad for you Op but it it is even sadder for her she propbaly loves you very much but somehow can't put it into actions. I don't know why it is but some Mams can't get past a funny kind of block it as if they gave you so much care as a child that it empties them out. Does she relate well to other people or is she a bit closed in on herself generally.

ethelina · 12/03/2011 20:47

My mum hasn't bought me a present since I was a teenager. I stopped caring some years ago. I no longer acknowledge her birthday either.

Original poster
drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 20:48

no, she didn't forget, because she sent me a card; and she certainly gave me a present last year. beesimo yes, she's inclined to piss people off in general...I'm more nonplussed than hurt, really. Wonder if she is making some kind of point. Oh well.

OP posts:
eileenslightlytotheleft · 12/03/2011 21:01

A friend of mine once got a box of tampons as a birthday gift from her mum Shock

Original poster
drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 21:07

mothers, they are very strange, aren't they?

OP posts:
notremotelyintofootie · 12/03/2011 21:11

My mum didn't give me a present in decemeber for my birthday either (usually only a cheque for £5) and it did hurt, unfortunately my inlaws also didnt give me a present but I know they were preoccupied over fil's health (I did get a card from both) but didn't say anything, dh didnt notice but made a comment about my mum not bothering...

I don't think I'll bother with mums pressie from us this year but will get her something from the grandkids and I'll save up to treat myself in December!

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 12/03/2011 21:16

My mum forgot my 9th birthday until my Nana's card arrived with £2, which she bought a packet of Maltesers and some tobacco with. Confused

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 12/03/2011 21:16

with which she... Blush

Gottakeepchanging · 12/03/2011 21:17

Gosh. You are all adults. You have independent means. A card is more than enough. All seems a bit precious to me. If you want something I am sure that you can buy it for yourselves.

If we are seeing an adult on their birthday we take a small gift (wine or flowers) but no adults in either of our families exchange gifts.

beesimo · 12/03/2011 21:21

Don't got in for tit for tat behaviour lasses what ever happens you should always get your Mam at least a token present because whatever her faults and failings now she was the first one to hold you and however badly she did it she reared you. I don't say run up her backside but a Christmas, Mothers Day and Birthday present.

Original poster
drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 21:31

gottakeepchanging - I agree. It's not that she never buys me a present - if that were the case now that I am a fully grown adult that would be fine. I'm just a bit taken aback by the fact that she usually does, didn't this year, and clearly didn't forget. I agree there's really no need for presents between adults and try to discourage anything but token gifts. But she is my mother, and I am her only child. Just seems a bit strange.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 12/03/2011 21:33

Even if she abused you, beesimo? Or did other bad things?

pointythings · 12/03/2011 21:35

I don't know... My mum and I haven't got that sort of relationship, she always sends a card (and I send her one) but we tend not to do birthday presents - instead we tend to buy stuff for each other as and when it catches our eye and then exchange gifts when we meet (two or three times a year, she doesn't live in the UK). As my parents are well off, they regularly give us money (mostly so that the Dutch tax man doesn't get it) and we have instructions to spend it on frivolous stuff, which is great.

It doesn't sound like the OP's relationship with her mum is like this though, so I'd get her token presents and nothing more, and enjoy the relationship with MIL, who seems lovely. Sometimes other people's parents are just nicer than our own.

phooey · 12/03/2011 21:39

I could've written your OP. Chin up and enjoy your relationship with your MiL Wine

Original poster
drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 21:42

pointy yes that just about sums it up. Token presents, don't get into it...generosity wouldn't be her thing, really. MIL is lovely, and just treats me like I'm another one of her children.

OP posts:
beesimo · 12/03/2011 21:49

If she abused you she does not deserve the title of Mam the abuse of children renders any family tie void. She is not your Mam and if you stepped over her in the gutter it would be what she deserved. I am very sorry if that was your childhood LLCC

justsadreally · 12/03/2011 21:57

I'm a regular but using the name I use for my mother-related topics (yes, I have one for every occassion!) Smile

driving Maybe she's having some money worries if she usually buys you a present and hasn't this year. How old were you when your father died? I only ask because my mum was great with birthdays until my dad died when I was a teenager. After that she became very sporadic (if you happen to be at her house for the birthday, she'll acknowledge it, if not she won't) She forgets/doesn't bother with mine, my siblings and my children's birthdays most years. No card, not even a phone call and my birthday is the same day as my step-dads! I hope you've had a lovely day! Smile Wine

Original poster
drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 22:08

no money worries - same set up as last year (and she would definitely tell me about it if it changed!!); dad died when I was 8, so she's been managing birthday presents adequately for quite some time without him...I was at home last week with DP and DD - a visit arranged to be 'around my birthday'...so it seems odd for her not to have acknowledged it in any way while I was there. I think she was a bit stressed by having a 2 year old in her house though...

she is coming here for her birthday. The more I think about it, the odder it seems

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 22:22

Maybe she thought she had put a cheque in the card, or some money.

Have you actually spoken to her since your birthday? Or seen her? Perhaps she is saving your present until she sees you?

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