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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my mother might have bought me a birthday present?

47 replies

drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 20:24

well, that's it really. DP's mother bought me something very nice and generous; I don't expect anything extravagant - a very cheap book, or some notelets would have done...I know I am an adult, but I wouldn't dream of not getting her anything/not sending flowers/taking her out to lunch. I think I feel a bit hurt really, given how hard I try with my mother, but nothing is ever really enough. Also, I am now the age my father was when he died, so I feel a bit about it all.

Have been reading the thread about narcissistic mothers, and bells are ringing. Loudly.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 12/03/2011 22:28

Im always surprised the people that expect to receive gifts on their birthday. My youngest son is the only one that buys for me, nobody else, and he only does because we live under the same roof.

chipmonkey · 12/03/2011 22:29

It's not that she had a present for you that she intended to give you on your visit and then forgot? Just does seem odd if she's always given you something and didn't this year.

At least your MIL sounds lovely, driving. My MIL never buys any of her dcs anything but drops HUGE hints when it's her birthday!

Original poster

drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 22:37

squeaky - yes, I was just there! card came just before birthday and visited her a week later. Maybe she just forgot it - this seems very unlike her, she prides herself on organization of this kind. Maybe she thinks that now she buys presents for DD she no longer needs to buy them for me? which is fair enough - if she'd actually explained this to me!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 22:40

I would honestly think she has genuinely forgotten. She wouldnt have put money in a card would she? My MIL did this for grandson recently and the card arrived, minus the money. I saw her put the money in, but didnt realise she was going to put the card in the post or I would have stopped her.

nooka · 12/03/2011 22:46

My mother very rarely gives me a birthday present, never a card and only sometimes remembers at all. Which is not a problem, birthdays have never been a big thing since I've left home, and we don't do much for her's either (I usually try and send her some flowers). She did once ring to wish me happy birthday on my sister's birthday!

If your mother has always celebrated your birthday I'd perhaps ask why - perhaps there is something else on her mind?

Original poster

drivingmisscrazy · 12/03/2011 22:47

if she put money in a card she would have made a point of ensuring that I'd received it. It's strange. I'll probably talk to her tomorrow - so maybe she will reveal all

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 12/03/2011 23:47

driving, I have known cards with money to go missing in our lovely postal service.

Original poster

drivingmisscrazy · 13/03/2011 08:45

but there was a card; it wouldn't be her thing to send money normally.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 13/03/2011 09:03

My mother forgot my birthday a few years ago. It was the final straw after years of trying to deal with her as a toxic parent. I cried buckets never the less :(
She turned up eventually with a card and some excuse as to how she'd forgotten to drop it off on the way to the shops (well ok but surely you'd phone to say that or drop it in anyway not several days later. I only live 2 mins walk away...)

It was only after her mother's day card was only signed by ds that she started making any kind of effort.

I think that made her realise to some extent and clearly made a point as my dad said to thank ds for the card to grandma....

I now make a point of sending my mother birthday, mother's day and xmas cards & presents from ds and sometimes I also sign it, sometimes I don't.

OP you did get a card at least. Perhaps ask if she posted you something as you're a little concerned it hasn't arrived yet if she did. See what she says and take it from there as to whether you buy her anything in future etc

Happy Birthday

onlion · 13/03/2011 09:04

Grow up

my mother hasnt even wished me hapy birthday for many many years

Im an adult

onlion · 13/03/2011 09:06

sorry, posted too soon
Im an adult and it doesnt bother me. Birthdays dont mean that much to us (except for the kids).
I wouldnt worry.

Happymm · 13/03/2011 09:09

My mother is a total bitch and I never expect anything from her-I do expect something for my DC though-my DS1 who just turned 5 didn't even get a card- I got a text message!!!

GlynisIsFixed · 13/03/2011 09:11

ah now, trying to 'grow up' when you haven't been parented effectively is very difficult.

not saying the OP's mother hasn't parented her effectively, just putting another scenario into the mix

Onetoomanycornettos · 13/03/2011 09:29

I guess if you had a good relationship, you wouldn't be particularly bothered by the lack of pressie. It does sound a bit odd, if she normally gets one, perhaps she has a new rule in her head she hadn't shared, like we are only buying for little ones now. I am rather slack about pressies as well although I do try to get family members (in several countries) a card. I think it's a bit over-thinking this really, unless it's just the final straw in a bad relationship.

ElsieMc · 13/03/2011 09:40

You are probably right about the narcissistic mothers issue. My MIL used to do things like this, but to the children. At first it upset me and made me wonder what I had done wrong, but I came to realise that I had not done anything. She just wanted me to wonder what I had done and make a fuss of her as if trying to right the "supposed" dreadful deed I had carried out. I came to handle it by ignoring it. It is her loss.

Once my DP asked her why she had bought a large easter egg for DD1 and nothing for DD 2 (not even a small gift when she was born, nor a card). She handed him 50p in coins.

Sorry you are so upset, but really you have answered your own question.

My poor mum can't send me a card because she has advanced dementia but I always send the children one from her because this would have been her wish.

chipmonkey · 13/03/2011 11:28

AW, come on! I think "grow up" is a bit harsh! Can any of you imagine a scenario in which you wouldn't acknowledge your dc's birthday, no matter how grown up they were? And if driving's mum has always sent her a gift, I think it's out of order to suddenly stop without an explanation. It's not so much the lack of a gift as the lack of an explanation.

Original poster

drivingmisscrazy · 13/03/2011 11:42

just puzzled by it as Chipmonkey says - I'm also a bit hurt by the fact that it's actually a rather emotionally charged birthday for me (see OP). Jesus, it's not like I am suggesting it's the end of the world - she does buy lovely, thoughtful presents for DD which I appreciate. I can't remember her ever not getting me something

OP posts:

pranma · 13/03/2011 13:45

It is my birthday next week and my dd has suggested that for a present she gives me 'herself for a day' we never have any 'mum and dd time' as there are always dgc around or our dh's.She is going to take me to Chester,to lunch in an Italian restaurant and a general potter about.What a perfect present,what a lovely dd.Why not ask her over for a birthday drink with you-maybe she is a bit hard up this year.

deliakate · 13/03/2011 14:12

Where is the thread about narcissism in mothers? Would love to read . .

Lotkinsgonecurly · 13/03/2011 14:16

I think saying what another poster wrote furthur up the thread about the hassle of not having to worry about presents for one another! I guarantee you'll have a present next year if she's at all concerned.!

Catnao · 13/03/2011 15:33

Is it weird to buy presents for adults then? My mum and dad buy gifts for my birthday and Christmas, and my siblings', I do for them and all my brothers, and partner's parents buy for my family and their other (adult) children too.

Not big gifts - but always a token on a Birthday or at Christmas.

I really love choosing a nice gift for my mum and dad when it is their birthday!

Catnao · 13/03/2011 15:35

I tend to just send a card to my brothers' wives/partners, and get a card from my partner's brother and sister. For birthdays. If we are all going to be together at Christmas, then I buy a gift for all who will be there.

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