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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want my sister here when she's ill.

48 replies

BorgLady · 12/03/2011 17:31

I feel horrible. My sister has a stomach bug and is really ill. She lives in another town and has a six month old. Her and her husband have split up but still live in the same house at the moment.

The main problem is that her husband WILL NOT look after his son. He's going out tonight and that's that. My mum wants to go and get my sister and the baby and bring her back here so she can look after her and the baby overnight.

But I'm 15 wks pregnant and am just getting over hyperemesis. I really really don't want to be ill again. I have a 2yr old DS and my DH is self employed, so if he's ill and can't work, he won't get paid. I sound so selfish but I don't want my family to get ill because my useless brother in law wants to go out. My sister pussyfoots round him a bit, doesn't demand anything, and he'd refuse anyway.

Am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/03/2011 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atswimtwolengths · 12/03/2011 17:35

Do you live with your mum?

Can't your mum stay with them?

I can understand you completely - you are not really in a position to take care of her. What a worry about her little one, though.

Her OH sounds a real prize.

Tortoise · 12/03/2011 17:35

Can your Mum not stay at your Sisters over night to help out?
YANBU, i wouldn't want anyone coming to my home who is ill.

3littlefrogs · 12/03/2011 17:36

I agree. Your mum should either bring them to her house, or go over and stay at your sister's house. No reason why you should be involved at all.

YANBU

SlightlyJaded · 12/03/2011 17:37

Not as selfish as her DH Hmm

So I'm confused. You and your DH and DS live with your mother? If not, can't she have your sister and your nephew to hers?

If not, obviously the right solution is for your sister's DH to stay home and take care of his family and I can understand why you think it's not your problem that you sis can't make him. However, tbh, being ill with a six month old is miserable and I do understand you not wanting to get ill again, but with 'precautions' you could limit your chances?

Maybe do it this time but be clear to your sister that you think she needs to get her DH to pull his socks up.

Or tell him yourself

3littlefrogs · 12/03/2011 17:37

Sister's husband sounds awful.

MorticiaAddams · 12/03/2011 17:38

YANBU but I don't understand why your mum wants to bring the baby to your house to look after unless you live together.

If it's your house and she lives with you then ask her to go to your sister's house to help out but if it's her house then there's not much you can do apart from ask her not to.

SlightlyJaded · 12/03/2011 17:38

oh yes, why didn't i think of that? Your mum could go to hers surely?

Original poster
BorgLady · 12/03/2011 17:41

Sorry, yes, we are living with my mum at the moment so it's her decision as it's her house. My sister wanted my mum to stay with her at her house but my mum hates staying there as it's untidy and she hates how badly my sister's husband has treated her but can't say anything as my sister defends him.

I love my sister very much and what makes it worse is that my mum really helped me out when I was in hospital etc with the hyperemesis and now I feel as though I'm dissuading her from helping my sister out in the same way.

OP posts:
QBEE · 12/03/2011 17:43

to whom does the house in which you are living and she will be bringing dsis and child belong to?

3littlefrogs · 12/03/2011 17:44

I think if your mum really considered the risks to you and your family if you catch whatever your sister has, she might think again.

QBEE · 12/03/2011 17:44

x post sorry

lazylula · 12/03/2011 17:44

YANBU to not want your sister to come and stay but in the circumstances, as you say, it is your mum's decision. Is there anywhere you could go just for one night?

wendylovesbob · 12/03/2011 17:48

Can't help but chuckle at OP leaving out the teeny tiny detail that she, her husband and their 2yo are currently living with Mum in her house.

I'm afraid that changes everything OP.

My sympathies, I get why you're not keen, but YABU.

bibbitybobbityhat · 12/03/2011 17:54

Yanbu.

Your mum should think ahead. If she brings them all back to her/your house, you might ALL get sick.

None of you should be scared to tell your sister that her dh is being an absolute git. Not just a little bit unacceptable, but really truly unforgivably unacceptable.

It is possible to look after a 6 month old while you yourself are sick (have done it several times) so I don't blame you at all for not wanting your mum to spread the bugs around to everyone.

Original poster
BorgLady · 12/03/2011 17:57

Not that I though it was relevant, but my DH and I both lost our jobs in the recession, couldn't find work and lost our house. My mum has been extremely kind and put us up for a couple of months while we get back on our feet.

I don't understand why that makes it ok for us to be ill because my brother in law wants to go out drinking tonight.

I haven't been horrible about it to my mum and I have said that it's her decision, I just wanted to see what other people thought.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 12/03/2011 18:00

It doesn;t make it OK for you all to be ill, of course, but of course your mum wants to look after your sister when she is ill and uncared for by her husband. I expect she feels enormously protective of her given her situation. Have you suggested to her that in the light of your own recent sickness, you would really appreciate her looking after your sister in your sister's house. Perhaps she hasn't really considered you getting ill, and I bet she feels protective of you too.

squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 18:01

There is always the chance that you wont catch this bug you know!

ledkr · 12/03/2011 18:02

would you necessarily get sick if you all stay away from each other and dont share things.Can you or sis shut yourselves away.

She cant help it if ex is a twunt.I was a single parent and its the pits when you are ill with a baby,you need your Mum to help.Its only a bug,not life threatening imo.

bringmethestrongestcheese · 12/03/2011 18:05

Hmm..I understand your not wanting to hypothetically catch germs but your sister IS ill NOW and DOES need to be looked after if she has a baby in her care. I am afraid YABU...if you practise good hygiene and stay out of her way, and get DS to do the same (if possible) it is unlikely you will catch anything anyway.

Imagine your sister writing a thread "My mother has taken in my sister and child for months but won't even let me stay for one night when I am ill and have a 6 month old to care for". I remember being ill when the DC were little and it is MISERABLE if you have no help.

Also, you will feel guilty for years if you discourage your mother from helping out her other daughter. BTW your mother sounds great Grin and you sound lovely too so I am sure you will find a solution.

I hope you all feel better soon!

valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 18:20

YANBU!!!

Your sister's useless dh isn't your problem. How lovely that he can just refuse to take care of his child. How lovely that he has other people running around doing his work so he can go out.

Your mother is BU by enabling this behaviour to continue( even though she sounds lovely!)

Anyone with a stomach bug would not step over my threshold!

Original poster
BorgLady · 12/03/2011 18:24

I know, perhaps I am being oversensitive because I have spent the last seven weeks throwing up and for the majority of that time I have been looking after my 2 year old by myself. Finally started to feel human this week and I just can't face being sick any more.

My brother in law has been unbelievably horrible to my sister since they married. She is beautiful, talented, runs her own business and has looked after their baby completely by herself since he was born.

A year after they married he told her he had enough and wanted his freedom back and that is that. It's a horrible situation that had knocked her confidence.

I know I have to take my chances, wash my hands a lot and cross my fingers. I feel horrible for not giving my sister a helping hand when she really needs it.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 18:26

I had a couple of hideous stomach bugs when ds was small - no family around me to help out. I just had to get on with it. It's nice that your mum wants to help out but not essential is it, especially as you have been poorly yourself?

ledkr · 12/03/2011 18:28

sisters vile ex h is hardly her fault either tho,she cant force him to be a good bloke can she?
Hope you dont catch it,lots of avoidance and handwashing.

electra · 12/03/2011 18:31

YANBU - not at all!

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