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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want my sister here when she's ill.

48 replies

BorgLady · 12/03/2011 17:31

I feel horrible. My sister has a stomach bug and is really ill. She lives in another town and has a six month old. Her and her husband have split up but still live in the same house at the moment.

The main problem is that her husband WILL NOT look after his son. He's going out tonight and that's that. My mum wants to go and get my sister and the baby and bring her back here so she can look after her and the baby overnight.

But I'm 15 wks pregnant and am just getting over hyperemesis. I really really don't want to be ill again. I have a 2yr old DS and my DH is self employed, so if he's ill and can't work, he won't get paid. I sound so selfish but I don't want my family to get ill because my useless brother in law wants to go out. My sister pussyfoots round him a bit, doesn't demand anything, and he'd refuse anyway.

Am I just being selfish?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 18:32

No she can't force him, but equally OP shouldn't feel obliged to help out because he's a twat!

anonacfr · 12/03/2011 18:32

Yes her sister's husband isn't the OP's problem but she is living in her mother's house.
If I was in her sister's position (sick, with a baby, having to share a house with a bastard ex who won't do anything) I would be so upset that my mum wouldn't come to the rescue.

The Op has benefited from her mother's help and hospitality for 2 months.
I understand she doesn't want to get sick but there are precautions that she could take.

I still think it's awfully mean on her poor sister.

beesimo · 12/03/2011 18:37

For Christ sake it is a stomach bug not typhoid we found when foot and mouth was on bad circumstance don't make or break a person they revealed a person. To expect your Mam to turn your SISTER away from her house because you may get a stomach bug you should be getting the room ready not faffing about worrying about me me me. You have been given kindness and suppport have a bit more grace

NonnoMum · 12/03/2011 18:37

Your sister should take to her bed.
Their child should go out with his father for the night.
Then the whole world will see what a neglectful man he is (if your story is accurate) and rally round your sister.
In the meantime, SS might want to know about a man who REFUSES TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN CHILD???

canyou · 12/03/2011 18:46

Is there an en-suite bedroom in the hse could your sis have that room? It would self contain her and her germs, the rooms could be thoroughly cleaned when she leaves.
I am sorry OP but the loyalty and generosity your Mum has extended to your family, is only fairly being offered to your Sis in her time of need.

anonacfr · 12/03/2011 18:46

Just to add if she's that worried couldn't the OP go to a hotel for a couple of nights?
She's been living rent free at her mother's for 2 months it seems only fair that her sister gets a night's help!

If the sister's husband's going out (bastard) sadly they have to write him off. He's made clear he wasn't going to help, there's not much sister and mother can do about it.

iscream · 12/03/2011 18:54

All I can suggest, since your mum won't stay at your sisters place, is for you and your dh and child to stay cooped up in your own room. It may be uncommmfortable, but many people live in one small room, and it is temporary. I assume your sister will be staying in one bedroom too. Or, the 3 of you get a hotel room if you can manage it, until she leaves. Good luck.

iscream · 12/03/2011 18:55

*uncomfortable

diddl · 12/03/2011 21:18

"I haven't been horrible about it to my mum and I have said that it's her decision,"

Well yes, it´s her decision.

And I can´t believe that you might even have suggested that she doesn´t help your sister tbh.

Longtalljosie · 12/03/2011 21:23

You have had a lot of help from your mum.

It's now your sister's turn.

You could catch an illness from the supermarket. Yes it's not ideal, but your sister is at her wit's end and given just how much support you've had recently, you resenting her getting a bit when she really needs it is astonishing, really

macdoodle · 12/03/2011 21:27

Sorry YABU and selfish, So its ok for your mum to help you out (you and your entire family staying at her house, is a HUGE help), but she cant help your sister. Just stay in your room, or your sister can stay in hers.

Bumblequeen · 12/03/2011 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

skybluepearl · 12/03/2011 22:17

i think it depends on just how ill sister is.If she is able to look after her baby while being ill than she really isn't that poorly. Could your mum just do a day visit to help out? If she is unable to move or even change nappies then i think it's only fair that your mum takes them in to nurse. Maybe you could stay somewhere else for few days?

anonacfr · 12/03/2011 22:29

Well if the mum is prepared to bring her home it sounds like she's really not well- and OP has said herself that she was really ill. Besides it's not like she has a choice. Poorly or not her lovely ex has made it clear that he was going out and not doing anything. She can't just abandon her child can she?

I forgot to say if I were in OP sister's position I would be crushed and angry if my mum didn't come to help specifically because she was put off by OP. Enough to cause a real rift between siblings IMO.

OP's been living rent free at her mother's with her whole family, presumably her mother has helped with looking after her child.
And she can't give a night to her sister? She mentions in her post that ex won't do anything even if asked- so she knows that her sister is desperate. Not very charitable.

I still think she could go to a hotel for a couple of nights.

squareheadcut · 12/03/2011 22:43

i never like my sister coming round to me, i always thinks she's spreading germs around

Icoulddoitbetter · 12/03/2011 23:08

OP I don't think you're being as unreasonable as some of the posters are making out. As someone who's in the middle of morning sickness at the moment, I can completely understand why you'd want to avoid any more sickness. I can completely understand why your mum wants to bring your sister over, but then she is putting a whole family at risk of getting a bug. Can you not try and persuade her to go and stay with your sister?

chipmonkey · 12/03/2011 23:20

Borg, having suffered horrendous morning sickness on my ds3 which I think may have been hyperemesis ( lost a stone in the first trimester) I really wonder if people realise how debilitating it is and why you are so against the idea of catching a bug?

I coudln't keep anything down and it was worse than a bug in a lot of ways because at least if you have a bug, you feel better after throwing up. With hyperemesis the nausea never, ever goes away.

Having said that, you poor sis sounds like she is in dire need and it must be so horrible for her to be ill, trying to look after a baby with an arse of an ex who won't help. I think your Mum would be right to fetch her.

ZacharyQuack · 12/03/2011 23:33

OP, you can't avoid catching bugs, you or your DH or child could catch them anywhere. It's not pleasant, but it's inevitable.

If your Mum cares for your sister at your sister's house, she could get ill herself and bring the bug back to yours.

Your Mum sounds lovely and caring. Let her bring your sister and baby back, try and make yourself scarce (but take care of your mum while she looks after your sister)

And tell your sister to barf on her husband's toothbrush.

washngo · 13/03/2011 07:53

I feel sorry for you op as I had hyperemesis and when I finally started to feel better the very thought of catching a stomach bug and being sick again would have made me weep. But I think your sister needs help, and I think one stomach bug (and I hope you'll do your best not to catch it anyway) might not be worth spoiling your relationship with your sister, or your mother's relationship with her.

MangoTango · 13/03/2011 11:54

I'm a bit surprised that your mum would want to bring someone with a tummy bug into the house when you are pregnant and have just got over hyperemesis. Does she not care? She should go stay at your dsis house and ignore the untidyiness and exp. Most people with a 6 month old have an untidy house surely!

diddl · 13/03/2011 12:05

"Does she not care?"

Well, it sounds as if she cares about both her daughters.

Perhaps she should make OP move out so that she can look after her other daughter now?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/03/2011 12:16

This is a tricky one.

Glad that you are finally feeling better after weeks of feeling so crappy. I'm sorry about the housing situation.

Your poor sister sounds like she could do with a little help. You might find that she's not puking everywhere but generally just feels grotty and the fact that her OH is a complete nobber and is just swanning off out and wanting to act like a single man with no responsibilities, I bet she feels really low right now.

Your mum sounds like she's stuck. she is helping you and your DP out and she also wants to help her other daughter out. She sounds like a really great mum, im sure you must know how lucky you are to have her!

Chances are you wont catch anything.
Chances are she may be well enough to have a good old convo about how she is getting on with her new baby and her useless OH.

I say suck it up. If she's really bad she'll most likely spend most of the time in bed so you wont be in contact with her.

springbokdoc · 13/03/2011 12:17

"does she not care?"

Yes but for both of her daughters and it looks like she's trying to be fair. Imagine if this were your kids - you'd want to help them both if they needed you.

OP YABU - I'd be really hurt by this if I was your sis. Sure single mums do look after their children when their ill, but she could have the support of family especially at this horrible time with a prick for a (ex) partner. I know hyperemesis is terrible but I don't think it really stacks up as a reason to leave your sis feeling sick with a baby in a house on her own where her husband is making her feel like shit anyway.

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