Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very upset at my friends comments.

38 replies

Megatron · 11/03/2011 20:54

I have been friends with another woman that I met at school gates for around two years now. I used to see her around but she never really acknowledged me (she was one of the 'glam' mums, I'm not) then gradually she began chatting to me and we became very good friends. In fact, she's fantastic. We have such a laugh together, she's very caring and kind giving me so much support last year when I lost both my parents. We see each other a couple of times a week and even our husbands are friends now. My kids love her, I love her kids.

Now the thing that has upset me - when we first became friends coincided with me losing a bit of weight. I lost three stone over a period of about five months and this is around the time she began chatting to me, saying she's noticed I'd lost weights etc. She was here today and I commented that I was going to watch what I eat slightly as I feel I'm getting back into my old eating habits again and have put on about half a stone. This is what she said to me: "Oh don't do that, I have a real problem with fat people, I doubt we'd ever have become friends if you hadn't lost weight".

I was completely dumbstruck and asked her what she meant, she said that she knows it's awful but she really has a problem with overweight people, though of course we'd still be friends if I put on weight again but that it's just the way she is and that she can't help it.

I'm really upset about this. I actually can't believe that she would never have approached me to chat if I hadn't lost some weight and it just doesn't sound like the person I know and trust and am incredibly fond of. DH says it's obviously just her 'thing' and not to lose a friendship that means so much to me over it and I can't imagine her not being around, but I just feel so upset about this. Should I just pull myself together or have I a right to be upset? I just feel it shouldn't bloody matter what size I am. Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
emsyj · 11/03/2011 20:57

Seriously?????????? That is bonkers! Shock

YANBU

Bluebell99 · 11/03/2011 20:58

It doesn't matter what size you are, as long as you are happy and healthy. She sounds really shallow. Not suprised you are upset, she is not the person you thought she was.

DaisyDaresYOU · 11/03/2011 20:59

She sounds a stuck up nasty bitch.Ditch her.

Underachieving · 11/03/2011 21:01

If her values and your values are poles appart it's not unreasonable to reconsider a friendship, but you best be sure it's about values and not wounded pride (which will recoever in a few days) before you do anything you can't take back.

FabbyChic · 11/03/2011 21:01

Some people do have an aversion to fat. It's unfortunate she said anything at all. I doubt if you got big again it would affect your friendship.

supersewer · 11/03/2011 21:02

listen to your husband, we all have our foibles. and rightly or wrongly we have all judged someone for something and usually we are wrong!!

yes it is bizarre and unjust but I'm sure you are too over some things - do you really wnat to lose a friend by making a big deal.

If... she does drop you as a friend for putting on weight though, she should be ashamed and you are better of without her!!

Deflatedballoonbelly · 11/03/2011 21:02

Wow, deep as a puddle that one.
YANBU

Goblinchild · 11/03/2011 21:03

It is difficult when you think a friend likes you for yourself, and then you discover that appearances, finances or being 'the right sort' matters more to them.
You have to decide if you can still be as close a friend with someone you now know is shallow, or if you want to get a little distance.
Better now than if you put on weight and get dumped without explanation.

hidenseek · 11/03/2011 21:04

I really don't think I could be friends with someone like that. I don't think I have it in me to judge a person like that, or to rule them in or out of being my friend based on how much they weigh.

YANBU, and I would be thinking seriously about whether you want this friendship to continue.

Very sad that you are finding this out about her attitude now. :(

PonceyMcPonce · 11/03/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ecobatty · 11/03/2011 21:06

Actually, she's saying it doesn't matter what size you are now, it's not that she would ditch you if you put on weight.

She has a problem with overweight people. She has said that it's awful, and that she can't help it.

I know people who are like that with smokers. They won't approach smokers and are uncomfortable with them (even if not smoking in their presence) but would not ditch someone because they took up smoking again.

It would be a nicer world if none of us were bothered in any way about what others do, but sadly it's not the case. As failings go, it doesn't seem like the worst hanging offence.

TattyDevine · 11/03/2011 21:06

She sounds seriously deluded if she thinks that losing weight fundamentally changes a person. It does not.

Its not to say a person has to put the weight back on, because that is up to them - however, it doesn't acutally change you personally.

Okay, so the stats for a person who has dieted and lost a significant amount of weight keeping it off are bad - very low in fact - so that in itself is a bad reason for her to suddenly become interested in you, because the chance of you morphing back to your "old" body is statistically high (but wholly 100% up to you, regardless of the method by which you lost weight, any subsequently occuring medical conditions aside)

Regardles of all that...YANBU

TurkeyBurgerThing · 11/03/2011 21:07

I'd put money on the fact she was probably once even bigger than you were before you lost all that weight.

Some people don't like other people for the oddest of reasons, I never get it!

Original poster
Megatron · 11/03/2011 21:07

I just wish she hadn't said it. She has been such a good friend to me and I honestly don't think I could have got through the past year without her support and he shoulder to cry on. She also went through a difficult period and I hope I was as supportive to her too. Other than a couple of very old friends she really is my closest friend and I just cannot imagine cutting her out of my life but I just feel so hurt. You're probably right about my pride being wounded underachieving.

OP posts:
DaisyDaresYOU · 11/03/2011 21:08

Why would anyone want a friend that makes them feel bad.

Underachieving · 11/03/2011 21:11

If it's wounded pride then give it a couple of days to settle and tell her that she hurt you. Being anti-fat-people is so socially acceptable these days people find it almost PC. She might even appologise and change her oppinion? Worth a go maybe.

LionRock · 11/03/2011 21:17

I'd try to ignore the weight aspect. If she'd said anything else about appearance: people who wear only black / people who wear trainers / people who wear gold hooped earrings - you'd likely be able to laugh it off easier. I think it's likely this is a sensitive issue for you, especially as she admitted it's her problem and she's not proud of it etc. Whatever her reason for feeling uncomfortable around certain people, that is about her own psychology and at least she seems to realise that.

You have got to know her really well and this is one small thing to balance out against everything else you know about her.

By all means talk to her about how you feel but I think you'd regret it is you let the friendship suffer because of this one thing.

Original poster
Megatron · 11/03/2011 21:18

Another thing that's playing on my mind is that I don't think I was THAT big in the first place. I was a size 16 which is too big for my frame and I wasn't comfortable but I never thought I was huge. I'm probably being a bit of a baby. Sad

OP posts:
JaneS · 11/03/2011 21:22

I don't think you're being a baby at all, that's a horrible thing to say.

If she'd said she was concerned for you, that would make sense - but her comment implies you're just an accessory.

Sounds like you're better off without friends like that, tba.

emsyj · 11/03/2011 21:23

I said YANBU to be very upset, but I don't think you should ditch her over it. She has been a good friend to you when you needed it - that is worth a lot IMO. There are not very many true friends to be had in this world, so if she is one then tell her how upset you are and delve a bit deeper to see if you can find out why she feels that way. Try to find a way to move on from it though - it would be a shame to ruin what is clearly an important friendship to you.

budgieshell · 11/03/2011 21:27

Great excuse to get huge box of chocs and bottle of baileys. Then you can find out if she is a true friend.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 11/03/2011 21:27

YANBU. I think I'd reassess wanting to be friends with someone so thoughtless and shallow, tbh.

beesimo · 11/03/2011 21:29

You are not being a baby to be hurt by this if you were being a baby next time you saw her you might ask if she has ever thought of doing anything about her slight moustache as you can see it glinting away in the bright spring sunshine. Don't fall out with her if she has been a good friend to you I suspect she is far more insecure than you think. Does she think being chubby is catching?

Original poster
Megatron · 11/03/2011 21:29

It is a really important friendship to me emsyj. When my mum was ill last year she couldn't have helped me more and when my dad died she just dropped everything to come and be with me and my family. She's a good person so I don't know where this comes from. Maybe we're all a bit weird about something and this is just her weird thing.

OP posts:
mmsmum · 11/03/2011 21:32

Listen to your dh and don't lose what sounds like a great friendship over it

I have noticed that people treat me differently since I put on weight, some are nicer and some are not. I think people are always judged on first impressions which is appearance, until they get to know you they have nothing else to go on

It's not nice but don't lose your friend