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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting to visit my IL's this weekend?

34 replies

maxpower · 11/03/2011 19:26

Ok, so some background. Get on with MIL really well, have a tolerable relationship with FIL (but only for DH's & DC's sake). SIL & her DH are fine.

SIL sees MIL every week (she does childcare for her)

We live an hour's drive away from them. DH is a paramedic and therefore works a fairly heavy shift pattern which involves him working 8 weekends out of 10.

DH has been studying for exams since before Christmas (until he passed last week) so we've not really had any relaxed time together as a family.

We haven't seen his parents since Christmas. Due to DH's working pattern and having to be around to do school runs, we've not found an opportunity to go and see them. They virtually never come to ours (they did in December when I had DS but only stayed for 1.5 hrs) even though they're retired and have plenty of free time.

DH has a rest weekend this week (ie he's not working). He's already going out with friends tomorrow evening as one of our friends has just returned from 3 years in Thailand - which is fine. But he's just called to speak to his parents (who returned from 2wks in Trinidad today) and told them we'll go and see them on Sunday. I've agreed, but I'm pissed off - but AIBU?

OP posts:
hidenseek · 11/03/2011 19:33

Yes, you are.

Pandamoanium · 11/03/2011 19:33

YANBU - he should have discussed this with you first before deciding to visit them. Then at least you could have made a joint decision.

squeakytoy · 11/03/2011 19:34

You may be being a bit unreasonable. How often do you see your parents?

cornerstone75 · 11/03/2011 19:34

Can see why you're annoyed (esp since they've just been in Trinidad whilst you guys have been working hard, jammy gets) but if your DH has arranged it, and it's him who has been doing exams and wotnot, I think you should just go and get it over with. Just think, then you don't have to do it again for another few months!

BluddyMoFo · 11/03/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hidenseek · 11/03/2011 19:36

Honestly, you haven't seen them so far this year, and you're pissed off about spending one day with them?! You sound a bit heartless tbh.

canyou · 11/03/2011 19:54

DP is also a paramedic and the shifts can play havoc with what people consider 'normal' family routine.
TBH I would go it will be 3/4 hrs out of your day but go via the park or feeding the birds or a walk that way you can get your quality family time as well.
I would love some one to visit tomorrow as my DP will be coming off a 24 hr shift at 8 am in the morning and I don't have enough bribes to keep the DC quite.

Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 19:56

first off, we are going and I've not done anything to make DH feel bad about it

hidenseek I think part of the problem is that they never bother to make the journey to us - it's always us travelling to see them. So basically, if we don't go to them, they'd never see DH or our DCs. It's not that I object to spending one day with them, it's more the choice of day that's the issue. But I accept your point of view (hence the AIBU Smile

squeaky that is something I'm very consious of - my parents live 5 mins away so we see them a few times a week

bluddy that'd be the ideal Wink but I don't want the IL's to think I don't want to see them. It's not that, it's the timing that's the issue. I'd be happy to go another weekend it's just that this is the first weekend DH has been at home with us and not studying for 3 months !

thanks panda that's sort of hit the nail on the head - if he'd asked me, I'd have suggested another time to go. He does appreciate he's arranged all this independently of me!

OP posts:
Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:03

x post canyou

I know, it can be a bitch can't it? I had said to DH I would take the DCs to see his parents when he's at work next Saturday as I'm well aware they haven't seen the DCs for so long. But I appreciate that he wants to see his parents too. Unfortunately, because of the length of journey, having a 12 week old (so feeding is an issue) and DD needing to be back home reasonably early so she isn't exhausted at school, we can't really stop of en route. So basically, I've waited 3 months and I'm now only going to get a few hours tomorrow to spend with my whole family.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2011 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:06

lol madam

DH's working 'week' overlaps with DD being at school - this weekend is literally the first time we'll have all been together with free time for 3 months

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/03/2011 20:20

I would never tell any of my relatives "we" will be visiting without checking with my husband. I may tell them "I" will go. We are both fairly busy on weekends and often don't visit relatives 2 by 2 anyway. Why can't he go alone. If the point is you would have liked a weekend with just the 2 of you I'd tell him you aren't happy and feel you are way down his list of priorities at the moment and are diappointed in the way he treated you.

yama · 11/03/2011 20:29

I think you are disappointed because your plans have changed last minute. You had a weekend in mind to look forward to and now you haven't.

I understand that and I don't think you sound heartless.

Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:31

thanks rebecca & yama

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 11/03/2011 20:33

Look on the bright side, if they visited you you have to put up with them until they leave, by you visiting them you can limit how long you spend there by having to get home for dinner, early to do whatnot or whatever. ALways far better to visit someone than have them visit you.

Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:38

fabby that would normally be true but on the extremely rare occasions they come to us, they leave after max 2hrs. when we go there, they do a massive sunday roast which takes hours to eat, and you can't exactly run out the door straight after eating as MIL then spends 2 hrs tidying up from the meal Hmm and we really go so that she can spend some time playing with the DCs.

OP posts:
canyou · 11/03/2011 20:38

Madam that would be my Mum Grin
Max When is his next rest weekend? Could you afford a really nice treat, a trip to the zoo and lunch or something like that? I have a rule that once a month DP and I go out alone even if it is just a walk, and one rest weekend in his roster [he gets 3 over 12 weeks] we do a family thing ie park or zoo etc but I ask the extended family if they want to come so we get to see them and cousins get to play with each other.

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 20:40

Cripes you're being completely reasonable! Flipping hec you poor thing.

GORGEOUSX · 11/03/2011 20:40

YANBU. I wouldn't want to go either, given your situation, but if your DH is anything like mine, he'll be feeling guilty and obliged; then when you suggest just chilling at home instead, he will get stressed out and you will be the baddie. So, you either go and suffer it, or stay home and chill with your baddie badge on.

Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:43

we're actually lucky as he's got his adjust weeks in about 5 weeks time and they coincide with the school easter holidays so we should get a few days to spend altogether. I'm not desperate to spend time alone with DH this weekend, more I'd like us to spend time alone as a family. I'd have been more than happy to go and see them during the school hols...

OP posts:
Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:44

yep gorgeous I know I'll just come over as the baddie if I complain. I'm sucking it up and going, it's just that I'd really prefer not to.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 11/03/2011 20:45

I would hate this too.

Anyone who thinks OP is unreasonable, just think about THREE months with no time to relax as a family.

I also think that you should have been consulted.

Honestly, I would be annoyed and I would show it. You are a nicer person than I am.

Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:46

thanks gooseberry

OP posts:
Original poster
maxpower · 11/03/2011 20:47

thanks humphrey I often feel that I should have got a medal or an OBE or something by now... Grin Wink

OP posts:
GORGEOUSX · 11/03/2011 20:51

I think you should be a rebel and chill at home with your baddie badge on. Grin

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