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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD - smoking

62 replies

bigredtractor · 11/03/2011 17:01

Hi,

I'm heading back to work in June, PT with a nursery place 3 days a week and my PILs v kindly looking after our baby on the 4th day.

Problem is, MIL smokes. She only does it outside (even in her own home) but I can smell it on her breath, clothes etc. when she then comes near the baby.

I'm worried about her smoking while looking after the baby. I don't for a second think that she would smoke in our flat though, but even if she goes outside the smoke hangs around a bit.

I really don't want to offend her since she's doing us a lovely favour but had anyone got any ideas about bringing this up tactfully, without offending her? Ideally I'd like to ask her not to smoke at all while looking after DS.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

NotShortImFunSized · 11/03/2011 17:05

Hmmm I think that if she is willing to help to look after DS, you know she smokes and have accepted anyway then there isn't a lot you can do.

worraliberty · 11/03/2011 17:05

OMG are you for real? Lol

I can't think of anything more cheeky than asking her not to smoke..as long as it's outside and away from the baby.

If you don't like it, pay a childminder?

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2011 17:10

she will still have a smoky handbag,shoes coat etc etc....

RunsWithScissors · 11/03/2011 17:13

Although the smell does linger, I don't think it's a problem health-wise. Not pleasant to smell, but not a danger to your child. I'd think she probably won't get much chance to smoke anyway if you live in a flat and she has to go outside.

Original poster

bigredtractor · 11/03/2011 17:14

I should add that it was PIL's offer - we never asked or expected them, before I get lambasted for being ungrateful!!

OP posts:

Nagoo · 11/03/2011 17:17

You'll just have to accept it.

I wouldn't like it, but either you let her look after him or you don't.

My mum pretended she didn't doesn't smoke, but she does and I can smell it when I go round there or on ds's clothes when I pick him up.

that pisses me off more TBH.

Katey1010 · 11/03/2011 17:17

Third hand smoke It's you and you MiL's business but, depending on what research you read, she should wash her hands and wear a different coat at least. Do you really want to have this conversation though?

Eglu · 11/03/2011 17:18

If you don't like the smoke, and personally it's not something I would put up with, then you need to tell your MIL that she can't care for your CD.

sheeplikessleep · 11/03/2011 17:21

watching with interest. mil also smokes and i've often wondered if / how i can ask her not to smoke in key rooms in the house when we visit (in her house, i know iabu but i still hate it).

she doesn't smoke when dc's are in the room, but quite happy to smoke whilst cooking in kitchen, 5 minutes before the dc's eat their tea in there. we don't visit that often, so i don't think we can say anything, but we reek of it when we leave.

don't know what to say, not helpful i know. what does your OH think?

hairylights · 11/03/2011 17:21

I'm also a bit either you want her help or you don't, she smokes outside away from the baby, you have to accept that or nothing.

Bogeyface · 11/03/2011 17:25

I am afraid that you wont get a favourable response if you ask her not to smoke on the day she is with your dc. What alot of people dont get about smoking is that there isnt any choice about it for the addict, they need to smoke and saying "well just dont" isnt going to work, in the same way that saying "Well just dont breathe" wouldnt work for you!

I think you either need to accept it or find alternative arrangements, there is no other way around this.

DwayneDibley · 11/03/2011 17:32

YABU unless she plans on giving your DC half on.

Pay a childminder or accept it.

iamthere · 11/03/2011 17:35

I would be the same, but it might be difficult for her if she smokes often. The chemicals from cigarettes get everywhere and can affect children even if they're not in the same room. You may have to compromise...

PaperView · 11/03/2011 17:35

Will she be leaving baby alone while she is outside smoking?

DwayneDibley · 11/03/2011 17:37

thats true OP ^ - she probably wont have chance to smoke.

LilaTheBrave · 11/03/2011 17:39

Bogeyface, sorry but what a load of crap?! Like asking someone not to breathe?! Funniest thing I've heard all year......

FabbyChic · 11/03/2011 17:40

I also assume when you take your baby outside on days out or trips to the shops to minimise the risk of pollution the baby and you will wear a surgical mask?

roses42 · 11/03/2011 17:43

I am a smoker, I looked after my dn when my dsis went back to work and if she hhad told me that I couldn't pop into the garden for a ciggie when my dn was asleep then I would have told her to go find someone else to mind dn,

Dancergirl · 11/03/2011 17:43

I wouldn't leave my baby with a smoker. And even if you ask her not to smoke while she's with the baby and she agrees, depending on how heavily addicted she is, she may not be able to stick with it.

I would politely explain the reason why you can't leave your ds with her. She may be offended but that's better than having cigarette smoke over your baby.

LadyBiscuit · 11/03/2011 17:44

Apparently the pollution in Cairo is like smoking a pack of 20 a day. I wonder how babies there cope?

DwayneDibley · 11/03/2011 17:48

Lila - sadly thats what it is like to be addicted to smoking, or anything.

LadyThumb · 11/03/2011 17:51

You knew she smoked when you accepted/asked them to have your child on the 4th day. You have no right to dictate what she does - if you don't like it, send child to minder!

LilaTheBrave · 11/03/2011 17:53

No its not. If you don't breathe, you die. Are you saying if you don't smoke you'll die?

bumperella · 11/03/2011 17:56

Is tricky really, as third hand smoke risks are not very clear.
She isn't going to expose your baby to smoke (she doesn;t smoke in her own home, never mind anyone elses!), but will be exposing her to the smell of ciggies.
I'm sure she wouldn't want to risk the health and wellbeing of your baby /her grandchild, though she may struggle to see third hand smoke as an issue?
Could you, (or perhaps better yet), your DH ask her to wash her hands and take her coat off after having a ciggy outside, and leave if a few minutes before being near the baby? Would that go down reasonably well? I'm assuming your FIL will also be there!

catchmeifyoucan · 11/03/2011 17:57

The preciousness on this subject is unbelievable!

I wouldn't leave my baby with a smoker???? WTF? Is anyone suggesting that the lady looking after the baby is going to smoke over it? Near it? Make it try a Marlboro? Oh no, she's not is she? She's going to smoke outside, nowhere near the baby. I say leave the bloody woman alone to enjoy a fag and you, OP, go find a child minder. Careful you don't have to walk near any traffic to get there though.

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