More of a WWYD - smoking

[bigredtractor]

Hi,

I'm heading back to work in June, PT with a nursery place 3 days a week and my PILs v kindly looking after our baby on the 4th day.

Problem is, MIL smokes. She only does it outside (even in her own home) but I can smell it on her breath, clothes etc. when she then comes near the baby.

I'm worried about her smoking while looking after the baby. I don't for a second think that she would smoke in our flat though, but even if she goes outside the smoke hangs around a bit.

I really don't want to offend her since she's doing us a lovely favour but had anyone got any ideas about bringing this up tactfully, without offending her? Ideally I'd like to ask her not to smoke at all while looking after DS.

Any ideas?

err no.

Its like asking a smoker not to breathe, not them not breathing iyswim? The addiction can be so strong that they simply can't not smoke, like they simply can't stop breathing.

I have a similar situation and have accepted that MIL will smoke.I speak as a non-smoker btw.

I think that she smokes a lot less than she normally does, as she won't smoke in front of the baby. I think she has one first thing and last thing and probably one in the park during the day, or on the way back from a play group.

Basically, I think you can set some boundaries, like please don't smoke in my flat. But otherwise you'll have to suck it up. It is just one day a week and it's kind of her to offer.

The way I see it, is that some of the nursery staff might smoke in their break, and would you weigh in at the nursery demanding none of them smoke in case your dc are exposed to the smell from their clothes?

That said I do sympathise, but YABU

There's a nursery on the other side of the communal car park from my brothers flat and a bike shed just outside of his kitchen window which has fag butts all around it. My brother and his neighbours have complained to the manager of the nursery about the staff all having their fag breaks there!!!! I've often wondered what the parents of the children at the nursery would think about the nursery nurses smoking, it's their right go do so obviously, is it any different? (my brother just pissed off cos it's right outside his kitchen window!)

I think the poster who says what will MIL do with the baby whilst she is outside having a fag raises a valid point.

I don't care if anyone thinks I am precious, I would not want my child cared for by a smoker. Leaving aside any theoretical health issues, I find smoking stinky and offensive and would not want DD to come home smelling of fags. If that makes me unreasonable/precious/odd then, well - meh.

I wouldn't accept her help tbh as passive smoking is well known for having negative health effects and unless she is going to wash her hands and brush her teeth after very cigarette, the baby will still have the smell on her.

Just because someone is doing you a favour doesn't mean you have to accept everything.

Same as midwifes, doctors and nurses who smoke. As you say it's their right to do so.

I think the whole 3rd hand thing is hysteria gone made to be honest. 2nd hand yes, but 3rd hand is a little OTT in my opinion.

I wonder if people get just as hysterical about air fresheners or people wearing perfume/aftershave/deodorant?

Also OP, as your MIL never held your baby in the past...like ever?

I think the poster who says what will MIL do with the baby whilst she is outside having a fag raises a valid point

Presumably she'll leave the baby with her husband

Just to add - although MIL does occasionally smell of smoke right afterwards, dd never ever smells of smoke.

Hmmm curious to know now if the anti-smoking brigade find out if all the nursery carers smoke before leaving their children there? Or do they refuse to be seen by a doctor/midwife/nurse if they smoke. Do they ask at the supermarket did the packer of this fresh meat smoke?

The list of knob things to do is endless.

Someone for all you know could blow smoke up the ass of your chicken before they pack it. You would never know.

You buy food from restaurants you have no way of knowing if the chef, waitress, cook, or bottlewasher smokes.

Not only might they smoke they might not wash their hands after shitting, they also might pick their nose.

The list of things to worry about is endless.

Sorry but its a terrible comparison. What about when smokers are asleep or in a restaurant or on a bus etc, we can't smoke then?

'The preciousness on this subject is unbelievable!'

I'm fairly laid-back about lots of things, but not smoking! And yes, there is no way I would leave my baby with a smoker. Even if they don't smoke in your presence, you can smell it on their breath and clothes. I find it disgusting. When my builders go outside for a fag I can always smell it in the house afterwards.

asleep - no conscious awareness
restaurant - go outside
bus - when you get off

HTH

If my child's nursery staff smelled of smoke then i'd think very seriously about moving him. I don't care if it's precious, I don't want smokers looking after my child.

Dancergirl How do you cope with the smell of second hand garlic and Britanny Spears perfume? It's just a smell..one that a lot of people don't like, but I'll bet a lot of those people would overcome their preciousness if they were stuck for a minder at the last minute

Just made me wonder if all the people who say dont let you mil look after the baby will take your dcs out of nurseries where staff smoke?

I don't think its too difficult for a smoker to go without tbh. Certainly not comparable to breathing!

I'm another one who would not leave my baby with a smoker. I don't care who thinks that is precious of me. It stinks, and I do believe the health and comfort implications of third hand smoke.

I think this is a significant dilemma for you, OP, because it basically comes down to; Will the potential advantage to your child of being cared for by GP's 1 day a week, offset the potential risk to your child of that care being provided by a smoker.

I think that if the GP's are going to be providing some childcare, you will be able to need to have honest and sometimes difficult conversations with them anyway. This is just the first. You and DH need to be really honest, alongside appreciative, polite and kind. If she's prepared to wash her hands after smoking, not do it while pushing the pushchair, etc.. then I'd probably, in your situation, come down on the side of the child has more to gain from the situation than there is a risk, iyswim.

its hard to understand an addiction if youve not been there yourself

also no-one is comparing it to not breathing exactly, just that for an addict not having a fag for a long time is like being asked not to breathe - impossible

It's not impossible!!!! And I speak as a smoker......

It was very difficult for me to completely go without a cigarette whilst I looked after my Dn, She was dropped off at my house at 6am and picked up again at 6pm.

I did this for four years for nothing, My sis did give me fifty quid a week but that was to cover nappies, food, bus fares to toddler groups and trips out, worked out at a tenner a day, in fact I was out of pocket. I didn't mind though as I have a very close relationship with my dn,

My fag breaks when she was either asleep or proccupied within eyeshot kept me sane,

I wouldn't be happy with MiL looking after a baby if she smoked. My MiL used to smoke and we said she could visit at any time but please not to smoke on the way up or while she was here and to have as many as she wanted on the way home. We didn't visit her because the smell of smoke hit you as you walked in - I'd need inhalers and why put my children at risk? (she also smoked outside).

She may not have liked it but she stuck with it. A few months later she gave up so it stopped being an issue.

Yes I would take my child out of nursery if the nurses/carers smoked. And if I smelled smoke on someone's uniform at work I would quietly suggest they changed before seeing patients.

There is no tactful way to have this talk, OP. I would suggest nursery for day 4 as well, I don't think you can ask her not to smoke while your child is in her care.

I think some of you might be surprised at the amount of nursery workers who smoke but you have no idea that they do. I had never noticed my DS's nursery manager smelling of smoke so I was really surprised when I turned up a weird time one day and saw her disappearing round the corner for a fag.

I am very confused by this to be honest, I just looked at posters history to get a better understanding of the history and from this post it seems the op is going back to work in June but a previous post in feb says baby is due in August, very confusing.