To want to go home?

[PrairieDog]

We have been living in midwest USA for just over 2 years on secondment with DH's job. The first year flew by (had a baby, all new, big house, big car etc etc) last year was a little harder and this year since Christmas has been TERRIBLE. I have tried so hard to make friends and although I do see people a lot (am at home with 3 dcs oldest at school) I have literally no friends .

I suddenly feel like I've run out of energy after throwing myself into everything and trying really really hard to make a go of things. I cannot work because of the visa and also DH's job takes him away a lot so I am finding myself lonely for the first time in my life.

We were planning to go somewhere else in the US after this job finishes but I've just realised I can't do that and I need to go home. I miss my family, friends, job and just so many things about the UK. We have tentatively agreed to stay to the end of 2011 BUT Dh is absolutely GUTTED about going home.

I think he knows I have to or I will get depressed or something but he feels he's much more employable here and has a lot more opportunities. I am worried its going to cause us serious problems if he doesn't get a good job back in the UK. I am sure he will but right now I feel like he's so desperately disappointed and its my fault.

I don't know whether I want advice but I don't think IABU to need to go home. My reasoning is that no job is worth me being totally miserable but at the moment he is so disappointed and grumpy and I just feel like shit.

YANBU I live where DH is from which is away from home for me, been here 3 1/2 years and I still want to go home. I know people here but don't really feel like I have proper friends, I have a job that will last me until the end of 2013 so not thinking about options until then but although I see leaving as a real possibility I think my DH thinks by then I'll be worn down enough properly settled and it won't be an issue.

It's always really difficult when one person is having a better time than the other in a relationship. Do you think if you came up with a more concrete solution than just "going home" he'd perhaps be more responsive to plans for leaving (if you haven't already that is), i.e. research into jobs you both could get, where you could live etc. I find that my DH responds better when I approach the subject with a positive solution rather than a negative I don't want to be here.

I feel sorry for you. It must be hard. My husband has actually just got a job in US which he has taken, but im not going :( I refuse to as i don't want to be in the same situation that you're in now. The US visa/work permit situation for dependents is, in my opinion, disgraceful. Come home!!!!

btw.....for me the problem is not being able to have a job over there. Is this an important issue for you, because if it is, it really is not fair to be made to stay in a country where you can't find employment.

Thanks for the replies. Yes the work thing was not really an issue before as with 3 young DCs I would have taken a break anyway but he's suddenly talking about another 3 years in a new job!! Even if I could legally work (ie if we had a green card) my professional qualifications and experience are meaningless here so I'd be doing what I did about 15 years ago.

Furryone I understand about the "wearing down" I've had about a year of that and I just suddenly had a moment of clarity where I realised I could not do it and needed to make a plan to go home. He will get some kind of job in the UK as he's only on secondment but it is unlikely to be as good and well paid as what he does here. I will be able to work though which will go some way to making up the difference.

Still a job is a job and only one piece of the jigsaw in terms of what's best for the whole family.

I am hoping the misery won't last long and he'll be able to get excited about moving back eventually. Being down and lonely and having a grumpy DH is not much fun.

I feel your pain and feel hugely for you. We moved abroad 5 years ago. It was a joint decision and I loved it out here for the first 3 years. I had 2 babies in that time so I didn't really get a chance to stop and think. Now ds is at school and dd is at nursery I have time to myself and I get so lonely. I just had 10 days in the UK and it was fantastic. There was stuff I hated (traffic, prices, etc) but so much I loved - family, friends, the language. If dh hadn't been out here I don't think I would have come back. Unfortunately we can't move back as there are no employment opportunities for dh in the UK. If you can move back then I think you should. It's all well and good having a good job and money but what's the point in that if you're miserable?

Sorry to ramble on but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling like this. Good luck.

Would it not be possible for you to come back but your DH stay over there working for a year? Until at least the job market picks up here, jobs are few and far between here, it is possible that he won't be able to work here at all.

YANBU - I found it was hard enough making meaningful friendships in the USA and I was at work when I lived there. I was living in Boston, but working in a small town just outside - everyone had grown up there or had been to university there so already had a network of friends/family close by - I eventually made 3 really close friends, who I speak to every week still (8 years after returning). It didn't help that ExP was an antisocial scientist with an obsession with exercise, had no friends and hated going out...

I imagine it would be the same for an American moving to a small town here, where people worked locally (the driving to the office thing also made going for drinks after work impossible) and lived locally.

I think give it until the end of the summer, see if you feel the same - I'm sure you are trying hard to make friends and feel settled - and if it's still crap for you, then come home at the end of the year. That should give your DH a few months to come to terms with the American adventure being over and to look for something back home?

A friend of mine who was in the same position as you trained to be a Montessori teacher while she was out there and had a lot more luck making friends than I did - she lived and worked in the same city though.

Good luck!

YANBU and I am not the best person to answer but I wouldn't come home. DH had the chance of a job in Spain but said no. He doesn't want to live abroad at the moment. Nowhere is home for me, I have no real local friends so don't really care where I live.

I think you have to both do a pros and cons list for both staying and coming home and see if you match up with anything.

If you come home and dh doesn't get a job or isn't happy in one he gets is that worth you being here?

If you stay will you be so unhappy that it affects your marriage?

You need to both ask yourself difficult questions.

Good luck.

We lived in the US for 4 yrs and I was in the same boat as you - no way to work. Where we lived was incredibly remote, shops were rubbish, really hard to make friends, winters were harsh and lasted forever. DH loved it, he's really outdoorsy, I hated it - hated the baking hot humid summers and the freezing snowy winters, and mostly missed home. We had a lovely house and decent car, I didn't work and we still had disposable income (no kids yet) but I was miserable and could not imagine staying there.

So we came home - luckily DH got a great job back here and has since realised that there was no point staying there if I was hating it. Your DH has to understand how lonely you are, and how it is just not working for you. Money and a big house aren't the most important things, as you know. HE just has to realise that.

Thanks all. He will have a job back in the UK because his contract is still with the UK company it just may not be as good.

He would actually have less job security as he'd be giving up his current position to go somewhere completely new and giving up the possibility of the job back in the UK. The hardest thing is that its all on the basis that he would find a better job in the US - we don't even know for sure that he would!

I guess my argument is that we may not have as much disposable income and our house may be a bit smaller but those things don't really matter when you are miserable!

I think (I hope) he will get used to the idea and eventually get excited about life in the UK again.

Heavens OP you should thank your lucky stars that you had and have the opportunity NOT to live in this godforsaken dump of a country. I say embrace your current situation, it simply cannot be worse than living here.

I am also in the Mid-west ...will have done 6 years in October ~we are coming back then .

We originally came here for the children ,we thought we would cope (my DH is from here ) but we are DONE .

In this town, you need to have been bought up here (Never leave ) to fully love it .
The women can be cliquey and boring ,and un-welcoming :(

I do have friends here however ,so it can be done with a lot of effort .

All socializing is church based ,that is a little bit crap if you don't attend .

We will take a massive financial loss ~I think that family and good friends are more important though .

We are very glad we tried it ,otherwise we would have always wondered Kwim ?

I totally understand how you feel ,sorry :(~ I hope you are able to find a workable situation soon .

Good -luck :)

catchmeifyoucan with all due respect, you really have to live in the US to understand how dire it can sometimes be :)

The UK is not all bad AT ALL ,unfortunately it takes living in another country to realize that .

YANBU to want to go home, it is hard to be away from normal environment and family/friends. I moved into the UK in the early 90s and was wailing into a pillow for 3 months before moving from my home country (i married an englishman and we decided to settle in the uk). The first 3 years were the hardest for me. I know how you feel!

The questions is whether there is nothing you can do instead of taking a paid job? Would your visa permit charity/voluntary work or part time/distance education?

I do not want to sound naive and suggest taking up something like a hobby, language learning or reading classics (just as examples). I do not know your circumstances, so forgive it is does not go with your personality.

Oh,also I think you should take a look at britishexpats.com ~then you will see you are among a lot of like -minded people.

I have had a lot of suport and invaluable help from that site :)

YANBU. I am in Toronto for DH's job, had a baby here, big house ect ect..... been here 5 years.......I have had enough. I went grocery shopping this morning and found Cadburys Buttons in the supermarket, wooohooooo,it was the highlight of my week.

My 2 DS's only really know Canada, it will be a huge move for them and I really wish we had gone home sooner. I feel for you OP I really do.

I would love to live back in the Midwest again but can understand that it's not for everyone.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to come home, persuading your husband may be a different matter, especially if you struggle to get across exactly why you want to come home.

britishexpats.com sounds like a lot of Brits leaving the UK only to find they are still a whinging misery when they go somewhere else!

catchmeifyouvan you're free to leave any time you want. Personally I love this country and love living here. I've lived all over the world, including 5 years in the US, and I'm very happy to be in the UK.

OP: you need to come home. Don't risk another winter if you find them that tough.

No ,actually many Brits are VERY happy in their chosen home .

For those that are not ,it really helps to not feel so alone.

Have you lived abroad for a long period of time ? :)

bemybebe I think it must be a bit easier to be somewhere at least one of you has a connection, family, roots etc? I find it isolating being so far from familiar faces and old friends.

I do keep busy with kids activities and various groups and stuff it just doesn't solve the loneliness. I meet loads of people but there never seems to be a way to break in - they always talk about having us over for dinner, going out together etc but if you try to actually suggest a date they back away looking horrified and I'm left feeling like some desperate stalker .

I think after 2 and a bit years I can't see it getting any better and life is too short to be miserable!

I think it is unfair and quite selfish of your DH to want you to remain in a country where you are unhappy and cannot enjoy the career opportunities that he has experienced.

I think my opinion would be a bit different if you could work in a good career and have a chance to build a life for yourself in the US. As things stand, you can't have that independent life.

Given that your DH can work in the UK, then you ought to come home if you can't settle there. You have tried and even though your DH might prefer to be there, he can work here. He needs to put your happiness above his own this time, because you have genuinely tried things his way. His turn to compromise now.

Not to be completely negative, but if something happened to your DH or your marriage, you'd be buggered, stuck in a country where you cannot work, especially if your wok skills become out of date while you are away.

It tough...reading more from you ,I would try to get home if I were you :)

The mid-west winters are brutal ...I am so glad to be nearly over those FOREVER :)

Prariedog, what kind of visa are you on? My husband is on a secondment in the US and we have E2 visas - if that is the kind that you have, you can get an endorsement that will allow you to work.

Your OP gave me a wry smile because it looks like we may have to go back earlier than expected and I don't want to! One mumsnetter's meat is another one's poison! Hope things works out for you.

Would voluntary work give you a bit more purpose to your day? I'd be surprised if your visa prevented that. Good luck.

RatherBe I think if we'd had to go home in the first year or so I would have been sad too but now I just can't wait!

We are not on the E 2 but I think if we'd applied for permission for me to work when we first got here I would have got it but I was pregnant and not bothered about it. Now things have tightened up with the economy being as it is. The thing with work is that I couldn't do my old job so its less tempting anyway.

Maybe if we'd been somewhere a bit more cosmopolitan or just a bigger city it would have been completely different.