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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to live with ex-boyfriend..sorry really long..but do need advice

45 replies

fran28 · 11/03/2011 13:19

known him 3 years...he was grand until he give up his job and moved in to a carvan to be closer to me...the carvan was a disgrace..tiny..no shower, no heating..bedroom leaked etc..u couldnt even lock the door...i stayed there a lot with him...bought him food,fags,drink..did his washing..let him use my shower...i had my first miscarriage while he was still living in the caravan and asked him would he not move in to a flat at some stage...got told..why should he pay for my comfort...from then on it just got worse...he moved to a flat which i also stayed a lot....i had 2 more miscarriages...he wasnt there for me..was mocked when i cried on my mams 13th anniversary...anytime i want to talk about something sad he ignores me and starts talking about his life...i now have a 8 month old baby girl and he didnt help once when i was pregnant..i had to rely on my family for everything..even know im doing everything and he is too wrecked to come up here and see her...he doesnt work at all..stays up all night drinking and playing his playstation or football matches....picks anything and anyone over seeing the baby...all i want is for him to care about the baby...i just found out a few weeks ago that the whole time i was pregnant and he was too broke to help me...he wasnt paying his rent at all..so he had to borrow 2000 euro to pay his landlord back..which could of gone to the baby? but he thinks everything would be okay if we live together? I know yer gonna say..why did i stay and get pregnant 4 times..i dont know..i just hoped he would start caring about me..i thought when the baby came..he would be the fella i first met! Am i wrong in telling him..no..i wont live with him?There is alot more crap from him but this is long enough as it is...oh and he is a complusive liar..constant lies to get himself out of things

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 11/03/2011 13:22

I can't actually read most of that nor understand it, but I'm guessing the bottom line is that he's a twat.

AlistairSim · 11/03/2011 13:23

You would be an idiot to live with him.

PatriciaHolm · 11/03/2011 13:23

Tell him to sling his hook. He doesn't love you, or the baby, he's only interested because you buy him stuff and do his washing. I'm sorry, but he's not worth a moment more of your attention.

silverangel · 11/03/2011 13:29

Paragraphs would help but he sounds like a moron.

Original poster
fran28 · 11/03/2011 13:32

thats what i thought..thanks...but he is making me feel like im being lousy? from the minute i met him..i told him i wasnt really in to moving in with anyone...if i did..i would need my own room...he knew this but is now saying he didnt...i have giving him so many chances...to prove he cares but its just too much effort for him...he was too wrecked to see the baby but not too wreck to play cards and drink all night...im so drained from him

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Original poster
fran28 · 11/03/2011 13:41

sorry...silverangel..this is my first ever post...

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Happymm · 11/03/2011 13:48

I think deep down you know the answer to your question, and know that you'll be well rid of him. Just pluck up the courage, show him how strong you are-you must be, having experienced all you have, and tell him that no, actually, it's over. Sorry for you , have an unMN hug ((((((()))))))) :(

coraltoes · 11/03/2011 13:52

Oh how nice of people to criticise your typing, rather than offer some advice. So fucking typical of this bloody site.

Fran28, you know the solution. You have to leave him and leave him for good. Think of yourself and your little one, he is only bringing negativity and stress to your lives. You don't need that.

Do you have family you can live with for the time being? Or friends?

plupedantic · 11/03/2011 13:55

It's in his interests for you to feel and believe you don't deserve any better than him. Of course he's going to moan and complain and "make you feel like you're being lousy". To him, "lousy" is anything that makes him

Think what an easy life he is having. But he only has that easy life because people (like you and, probably, others) do things for him, want to see him, ask for his love. He is getting this easy life for free, rather than "paying" for it by taking an interest in the rest of humanity, making an effort with his time even if he has no money.

You owe your baby more than this; if you want her to be happy, you have to show her how to be happy, how to have a mutual relationship. Otherwise, she will end up being made uhappy just like you. Because that is what you will have taught her - That is really scary. Please, feel how scary that is, more terrifying than being without him (being without him actually sounds like paradise!)

ringoffire · 11/03/2011 14:00

Really?

twolittlemonkeys · 11/03/2011 14:03

Get rid of him, he sounds like a complete drain emotionally and financially. He has you looking after him, doing all the running and you have a baby to look after. I know people on here tend to shout 'get rid' a bit quickly, but from your post I can't see any way in which he enhances your life!

altinkum · 11/03/2011 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhCobblers · 11/03/2011 14:16

please do get rid of him.

he will be nothing but a nightmare and make you and ultimately your DD miserable.

You and your DD deserve so much more.

He has already shown through his actions what he thinks of you both (sorry, i know that sounds horribly harsh Sad) and you said there is a lot more crap - don't do it.

caramelwaffle · 11/03/2011 14:16

Fran28

You have a beautiful baby, a home and help from family. You are making a success of your life.

He will bring nothing good to your life if he moves in with you.
Make sure he has good contact with your child but from a point of view of living separately.

Good luck,

clams · 11/03/2011 14:23

He will drag you both down and you know it. Be strong, good luck.

nectarina · 11/03/2011 15:51

I wish you lots of luck. I'm sorry to say that I agree with the other posters, and he's not going to change. I sympathise with you - you hoped he would change so you stuck with it to see if it could happen. You sound like you realise yourself that its over. You have a bright future - have faith in yourself.

scurryfunge · 11/03/2011 15:56

Concentrate on your life with your baby. He is just not interested in family life and does not seem to want the responsibility. Both of you will be far better emotionally without this man.

Yukana · 11/03/2011 16:01

Cut all ties with him. He's horrible to you, and is of no benefit to your little one whatsoever. I say this because I also have a father who doesn't care, and it would most likely do her more harm than any good to keep in contact.

I'm also sorry to say that it doesn't seem like he is going to change. I hope you will be happier in the future and best of luck to you and your little one. :)

MorticiaAddams · 11/03/2011 16:09

You sound as though you desperately want to be loved but he really isn't the right person for that job or to be a proper father to your baby.

A couple of questions, how old are you and where do you live now?

You say you have a supportive family which is fantastic but also mention your mum's 13th anniversary so presumably you lost her quite young. Do you have another family member who has been at all mum-like or a role model? I'm only asking as you sound so lost and I would love to give you a big hug and give you some confidence in yourself.

atswimtwolengths · 11/03/2011 16:14

He sounds absolutely awful. You should be thankful every day that you are not living with him.

So sorry about your mum but think of her now - would she want you to live with someone like that? Wouldn't she want you to be with someone who was good to you and kind and loving? Try to be strong and think of her and how much she loved you and what kind of life she wanted for you.

squeakytoy · 11/03/2011 16:15

ask yourself what benefit it would be for you and your child to live with this waste of space?

manicbmc · 11/03/2011 16:18

He sounds terrible. Leave him well alone and get on with enjoying your life with your child.

Just be thankful you had the sense not to marry the waste of space like I did.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/03/2011 16:29

Fran he's treating you like a doormat and if you let him move in with you then you are giving him permission to continue to do so.

You know that he's no good. You owe it to your child not to let a sponging waster who doesn't love either of you into her home.

Be a good mum and get rid of this man. You can't make him be the partner you want - it just isn't in him.

Original poster
fran28 · 11/03/2011 16:45

thank you all so much...im 29...live on my own with my baby...my mam died when i was 13...i have a brilliant family but its only recently that they saw the real him...

my dad is just brilliant...cant go a day without seeing my daughter...the first time she was sick..i thought she was dying of course...my dad and sister came up straight away...i told him and all i got was a text saying...i hope she is ok!!

I know im not the only one with this problem and im sorry for any of ye who does have worse...but all he says is that he isnt a bad person to me
cos he doesnt hit me..

when i go out on a saturday night he texts and texts begging me not to be with someone else and tells me im sick if i do..

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Original poster
fran28 · 11/03/2011 17:02

and again..sorry for the long starter post...had so much in my head for so long...it just got carried away typing...and thats not even the half of it...

when i had just had my daughter by c - section...waters broke...she was 3 weeks early and her heartrate was dropping etc...i asked him to get me credit..told me to get it myself..my family had done so much..i just couldnt ask them

a few weeks later he told me a c-section wasnt half as bad as the other way..obviously i dont know which is worse..so i wouldnt have an opinion..but now i feel like a failure cos i couldnt have her the other way..

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