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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to live with ex-boyfriend..sorry really long..but do need advice

45 replies

fran28 · 11/03/2011 13:19

known him 3 years...he was grand until he give up his job and moved in to a carvan to be closer to me...the carvan was a disgrace..tiny..no shower, no heating..bedroom leaked etc..u couldnt even lock the door...i stayed there a lot with him...bought him food,fags,drink..did his washing..let him use my shower...i had my first miscarriage while he was still living in the caravan and asked him would he not move in to a flat at some stage...got told..why should he pay for my comfort...from then on it just got worse...he moved to a flat which i also stayed a lot....i had 2 more miscarriages...he wasnt there for me..was mocked when i cried on my mams 13th anniversary...anytime i want to talk about something sad he ignores me and starts talking about his life...i now have a 8 month old baby girl and he didnt help once when i was pregnant..i had to rely on my family for everything..even know im doing everything and he is too wrecked to come up here and see her...he doesnt work at all..stays up all night drinking and playing his playstation or football matches....picks anything and anyone over seeing the baby...all i want is for him to care about the baby...i just found out a few weeks ago that the whole time i was pregnant and he was too broke to help me...he wasnt paying his rent at all..so he had to borrow 2000 euro to pay his landlord back..which could of gone to the baby? but he thinks everything would be okay if we live together? I know yer gonna say..why did i stay and get pregnant 4 times..i dont know..i just hoped he would start caring about me..i thought when the baby came..he would be the fella i first met! Am i wrong in telling him..no..i wont live with him?There is alot more crap from him but this is long enough as it is...oh and he is a complusive liar..constant lies to get himself out of things

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 11/03/2011 17:51

Fran, my heart goes out to you. Just read your posts and think what you would say to your daughter if she were telling you these things about her partner. I don't have any doubts about what you would say to her.

I'm not one to immediately start talking about abuse but it definitely sounds as though he is wearing you down so you think there is no alternative but him and things will only get worse.

If you are finding it hard to be strong then again you need to see it as not only best for yourself but your duty as a role model to your daughter. Do you want her to grow up and think this is how men are supposed to treat women?

OhCobblers · 11/03/2011 18:07

Oh fran i wish i could give you the most enormous hug. Morticia is right - pls listen to her.

re: your birth - you gave birth to a healthy baby and you're both here in one piece - good job!!! it doesn't matter which way you had her.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 11/03/2011 18:22

Nothing so far has changed him, what will? The answer is nothing!

You life willbe improved in so many ways if you dump him. You will also be free to meet someone will does know how to treat you.

colditz · 11/03/2011 18:26

Do not live with him.

In fact, move as far away as physically possible and never pursue him for maintenance, so the only reson he would have to see his daughter is for the wish to see her.

I guarantee you if you move more that half an hour away and refuse to visit, you'll never see him again.

iscream · 11/03/2011 20:33

fran, you do not deserve to be disrespected and neglected like this. He really has nothing to offer you or the baby. I really feel you'd be better off without him. He sounds like a real looser, and you and your daughter deserve someone who cares enough to work, pay child maintenance, visit his daughter willingly, show concern when she was ill, care about your feelings regarding the loss of your own mother, have higher standards of living arrangements.

LionRock · 11/03/2011 20:52

Err... the fact that he doesn't hit you does not mean that he is a good person. You know this.

You also know yourself what life has in store if you stay in a relationship with him.

Nothing you have said shows that he cares about you or your child.

I think you need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to be treated this way. Sorry if this sounds harsh or to make assumptions, but if you have self-confidence issues then he is taking advantage of them.

If you stay with him then you are showing your child a particular view of how mummies and daddies treat each other. If you are not happy for them to see this sort of relationship then it's up to ytou to change it - your partner won't do this himself from what you've said above.

Best wishes

Katey1010 · 11/03/2011 20:54

If you live with him you will NEVER be rid of him sponging. NEVER. Tell him you want him to be a good father but he has no relationship with you except that. It is none of his business if you Go out with someone else.

Original poster

fran28 · 12/03/2011 13:42

thank u all so much...i didnt actually expect anyone to answer..i always get the feeling..that anything to do with me doesnt matter to anyone...i talked with ex..not sure whats happening..but he certainly doesnt expect to move in with me now..well that is until next month..

OP posts:

plupedantic · 12/03/2011 17:35

"i always get the feeling..that anything to do with me doesnt matter to anyone"

You poor thing. With your mother gone, it possibly does seem like that, but soon your DD will give you back that unconditional love. In the meantime, just because you don't have unconditional love from anyone, please don't seek "love on any terms" from selfish shits like this ex. Please.

Katey1010 · 12/03/2011 17:53

Well put plupedantic. Strangers on the internet care, you will find someone in RL who is not an arse but you need to 'make space' for that.

ZillionChocolate · 12/03/2011 18:12

If he thinks his best quality is that he doesn't hit you, then I think that's all you need to be certain that he can't contribute anything to your relationship. I don't think you can "cut all ties with him" as you have a baby together but he can be a father without being your partner.

FourFortyFour · 12/03/2011 18:14

Maybe do a search as someone else has posted an identical problem and you can see what responses she got.

colditz · 12/03/2011 18:29

At the moment, he is sitting in the place where your partner should be. Your partner, the one who loves, cherishes and values you, cannot get to you until this sponging wannabe cocklodger is out of the picture.

WomanOfMassDestruction · 12/03/2011 18:40

Please, please don't move in with this man. He doesn't care for you and is not going to be good for you or your DD. It's hard to be alone with a very small baby (I do know this) but I think getting him out of your life would be like a weight lifting off your shoulders.

SeeJaneKick · 12/03/2011 18:41

Fran...bugger him. His loss. You have a lovely baby..he has a stinking flat and nobody to love.

You have your Dad and your baby....when he texts you...don't answer. get rid and leave yourself time to recover.

If another man comes long make sure he has a job and is kind and DONT let him move in!

notmyproblem · 12/03/2011 19:56

He says he's good to you because he doesn't hit you - and why do I fear that the next word to follow that is "yet"? . Is he likely to feel like he should start hitting you if you start rejecting him in every way? If so, then you need to look towards getting help to get away from him.

He sounds abusive, full stop. A user, abuser, manipulator, and idiot of the highest order. Don't let him drag you down with him. Don't give him money. Don't move in with him. Cut all ties!

Sounds like you have a very supportive family so ask them for help in ditching him if that's what it takes for you to get over him completely.

Good luck, you sound like you know exactly what the score is and just needed some reassurance. Be assured that HE is the one who's in the wrong here, and YOU are the sensible one. Repeat that back to yourself as much as you need to anytime you have a momentary loss of confidence.

Good luck!

iscream · 12/03/2011 20:15

My friend was going out with a guy, they had fun together, got along well and so on. But he knew she had certain dreams and standards for her future children, a partner who would be able to provide for them. She herself works hard and would not want a slacker as a partner. He went back to school, and got a better job before asking her to move in. They are now married with a sweet little girl.
It is all about what you expect. You child deserves a loving, caring, nurturing father. You do your child a huge disservice by accepting anything less. Even if you don't care about being treated like crap, please don't accept this for your child.
And promises from someone like him mean nothing. ACTION speaks louder than words. Be strong, you need to get rid of him, tell him you do not want to hear from him again, that he has not proven to be the type of man you want for a father and husband. If he really wants to see the child, he can take you to court. (and then will be forced to pay support)
If he really loves you and your child, he will get his act together.

Drizzela · 12/03/2011 20:21

Fran, i echo what everyone else has said but also just to point out the 'the person he was when you met him' was just someone on their best behaviour.

It's not the 'real him' so forget all hope of him going back to how he was when you met him.

The reason we don't commit for quite a while is because we need to wait until someone is no longer on their best behaviour so we can decide if we want to be with them - warts and all.

You got involved quickly and when he changed you mourned the loss of the man you thought you loved, but he wsas not a real person so get over it.

Drizzela · 12/03/2011 20:22

And not being hit is a right, not a privilege.

Original poster

fran28 · 15/03/2011 21:32

thanks for all yer replys..i do believe that the real him is him now...i have said it over and over to him for the last 2 years...

i know it was all an act at the start but i have been giving him the benefit of the doubt cos of the baby and so no one can say i didnt try..

OP posts:

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