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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Very upset with dp, he says iabu.

27 replies

GeraldineAubergine · 11/03/2011 11:17

Yesterday it was the anniversary of my mums death, tomorrow it would have been her birthday. Dp knows these dates and also knew I might feel a bit low. He came home a bit pissed, which I don't mind per se, but was then pretty obnoxious making snidey comments etc. It escalated until I was commenting on a newspaper article and he laughed at me and said I didnt know what i was talking about and basically belittled me. I snapped and asked him why he had to be rude and why we can't just talk about random things without him being so dismissive. He then really shouted telling me to fuck off etc.
I went to the other room, I don't like arguing and slept on the sofa as I felt he was so rude and horrible when I was down. I wouldn't eat the food he ordered either. Today he's acting as if im in the wrong asking if iv 'calmed down'. He's made me doubt myself. Aibu (and petty) or was he?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2011 11:19

he is

and you are still calling him 'D'p??

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/03/2011 11:20

Does he usually belittle you or act snide when he's had a few?

aliceinlalaland · 11/03/2011 11:20

YANB at all U. Poor you, you must be feeling rubbish as it is.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 11/03/2011 11:21

You said he knows the dates, but did you actually explain to him why you were down at the time?

He is BU. Does he put you down like this at other times too? The thing with the newspaper is especially harsh, comments like that don't help anyone.

JaxTellersOldLady · 11/03/2011 11:21

you were both being U, you behaved childishly by not eating to 'spite' him and he was a dickhead by belittling you.

I think we need more information, is he always like this - or when he is drinking, or did he have a bad day and took it out on you?

manicbmc · 11/03/2011 11:22

He's a twat. Being drunk doesn't give anyone the right to belittle anyone else or treat them like he treated you.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 11/03/2011 11:25

Well to be honest recently he has been more like this and not just when pissed. He knew why I was down, I was being a bit childish by not eating but I didn't want to sit with him or say anything I might regret. We have been together eight years and gradually it seems he respects me less.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 11/03/2011 11:25

Does he often treat you like this?

He sounds like a knob, tbh.

Nagoo · 11/03/2011 11:28

You were sulking because he was being unpleasant to you.

Are you assuming he know's the anniversary and your mum's birthday? A lot of men people can't remember their own mother's birthday. Unless you've spelt it out to him I wouldn't think he'd remember.

Instead of being passive aggressive you should explain to him what you are upset about, i.e. your mum, and how he isn't helping by belittling you when you are trying to have a normal conversation.

Nagoo · 11/03/2011 11:28

sorry x post.

Nagoo · 11/03/2011 11:29

i stand by my last paragraph though.

manicbmc · 11/03/2011 11:30

I think the anniversary of your mam's death and birthday are actually irrelevant (though obviously very important). He should not talk to you like that anyway.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 11/03/2011 11:37

Thanks for your replies. He is kind in many ways but I hate being made to feel stupid or like my opinion means nothing. I'm not sure if I'm passive aggressive, I'd rather leave a situation thats unpleasant than stay and our flat is very small. He has text me and admitted he was a twat just now, so I suppose that's a step in the right direction. I feel better for having others opinions, so thanks all.

OP posts:

KnittedBreast · 11/03/2011 11:40

everyone acts like a knob some times. I bet you told him the dates and he forgot.

I dont know anyone who dousn have snidey comments and little bitching moments within their relationship, not nice but part of life soemtimes

Ephiny · 11/03/2011 11:45

He might well have forgotten about the dates and not realised why you were upset. However there's no excuse for him belittling you and shouting/swearing at you. No one should have to be subjected to that in their own home. Completely unacceptable IMO.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 11/03/2011 11:50

Agree with Ephiny

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 11/03/2011 11:51

I think you are right, everyone has arguments, but yesterday I just thought what's the point. I feel like I do everything, I get no thanks and I can't even have a civil conversation in the evening. I'm tired. He didn't forget the date I told him it was five years since she had died and he was still horrible. I think once you have had an argument it should be forgotten. I don't usually feel so angry the day afterwards.

OP posts:

nectarina · 11/03/2011 12:36

It sounds to me like you don't feel respected and valued. I agree everyone argues from time to time - this is different to one person putting the other down. He sounds a bit cruel to be honest - there's no excuse to treat someone the way he treats you. Maybe you could tell him that you feel like he puts you down and belittles you and how it makes you feel.

MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 11/03/2011 12:58

Thanks nectarina and madamedeathstare. I work 30hrs per week, my job is stressful. I do all the home things as well. You are right I don't feel valued. I felt worse yesterday as my mum was treated disrespectfully by my father and she would be sad to see me like this.

OP posts:

JaxTellersOldLady · 11/03/2011 13:22

geraldine just wanted to come back now that you have told us a bit more.

I think you shouldnt be disrespected like this and maybe it is time to have a conversation with your partner about how you feel.

Relate maybe?

MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2011 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 11/03/2011 14:21

I think you need to tell him that.

I understand the leaving the room thing, I do that too, as I don't want to end up in a screaming row. I do need that time to 'calm down'. it doesn't mean I'm wrong though.

When you are ready, you really need to speak to him about how disrespected you feel. I think often you have to spell things out. It all adds up. i do everything in our house as DH works a lot (we do aim to have the same amount of free time and if he did housework too he'd never sit down with dcs). Something as simple as him not wiping the worktop after he's made toast really pisses me off as I think he takes it for granted that I'm going to clean it again, and it also means that he does not value the fact that I put work in to keep the house nice. I've spoken to him about it, and when i put it like that he did not argue about it, and accepted the point.

Original poster

GeraldineAubergine · 11/03/2011 14:58

Thanks nagoo you are right I need to talk to him. I'm tired of cleaning and cooking and organising plus getting shouted at or ridiculed. It is good to vent to strangers, but really I should just talk to him. I suppose I'm worried he won't care, he thinks a text saying sorry makes it ok, I'm not so sure. Ty also madamdeathstare, him doing anything would be an improvement.

OP posts:

Bringonthegoat · 11/03/2011 15:15

YANBU - leave the twat

Seriously though - I would consider steps to nip this bad treatment in the bud. Sounds like it is escalating.

It is not OK to laugh at you, disrespect you - all that 'calm down dear' crap would drive me insane. Why do you think he is behaving this way more often? Could he have some underlying issue with you.

He was thoughtless and cruel - not great qualities for a life partner.

Hope you are feeling a bit better though, anniversaries are hard x

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