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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am, but wtf can i do about it?

26 replies

purpleelephants · 10/03/2011 23:01

Hi,

I dont really know where to start (sorry).

I have 3 DC. The youngest is 7mths and i have pnd.

I suffer pannic attacks where I become suicidel and cant calm myself down.
I lose it and cant see a way out, convice myself that my DC are better off wth me gone and I really want to die at the time.

I have spoken to my gp and seen a pyc nurse (although I couldnt open up to her) and they gave me meds and were nice about it.

The thing is, my Dh.

He cant stand it when I have a meltdown and is a compleat basterd to me when I have one.

He will say realy hurtful stuff, throw me out and had even become physical with me.

I know it must be very hard to see your spouse lose the plot like that but it just makes me worse and I am so worried about his reaction that it makes it worse.

He is lovley and supportive the rest of the time, but the thing is I need him when I'm breaking down more than ever and he just makes it worse.

I try to shelter my Dc from all this and on the whole they remain unawere -I tell them I have a headach ect but I know this is far from ok and I just want the best for them. They deserve better and it kills me.

I supose I want to know if iabu to expect my DH to suport me (knowing how bloody hard it must be to try to reason with the unreasonable) and what can I do? None of us can live like this

OP posts:

MissyKLo · 10/03/2011 23:05

Oh I don't really know what to say except to offer a hug and say please please see your GP again and be honest. You need some support and help and maybe your dh does too

Please phone GP tomorrow and see him/her asap an please let us know how you get on x

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 23:07

I'd just like to say that your DC will never be better off without you and give you a hug.

Did the meds help any? If you're still feeling so low, perhaps you need to tell your doctor?

It doesn't sound as though your DH knows how to handle seeing you feeling so bad.

Why do you think he reacts like that?

GotArt · 10/03/2011 23:07

Couples counseling about PND with your DH.

((((hugs)))))

FabbyChic · 10/03/2011 23:11

Your DC's are not better off without you their mother.

If you have been taking your anti-depressants for less than six weeks they probably would not be working yet, you need to open up to someone talking therapy helps.

YOu need to be there for your children and when you feel yourself slipping remember them. Positive thoughts are what you need, try to so something positive everyday, if you get through one day sane, remind yourself at how well you have done.

It is hard, but things I promise you from experience do get better.

Do you have triggers that set you off? If so try to minimise the risk of something triggering you during the course of the day.

With regards to your other half, it seems as if he cannot cope with you being ill, and his way of dealing with it is to get nasty and try to fight it that way. I'm sorry he is not coping through your bad times.

It's not nice to see someone you love reduced to bits and pieces but that is no excuse for him behaving the way he does.

He clearly does not want your children seeing you so sick.

If you have been taking the pills a while go back to your doctor, you might find anti-psychotics work, they did for me and worked real quickly.

Original poster

purpleelephants · 10/03/2011 23:15

Thanks for your kind words and hugs.
They mean more than you know.

agentZzag I think its because he gets scared and resorts to aggression.....
He acts like a total arse at these times but is so kind and gentel the rest

OP posts:

Original poster

purpleelephants · 10/03/2011 23:21

I've put off taking anti pyc druggs fabby, because I'm bf.
Maybe the risk of not taking them out do the benifits of bf.
I know I will feel guilty if I stop bf. Its become a bit of an unhealthy focus I think. I feel tired and want a break, but wont let anyone give her a bottle because I feel selfish for doing so and it seems that bf is the one thing I can ger right

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 23:24

I'm not asking whether you're being physically aggressive to him, but is he returning the ferocity of how you're expressing how you feel, with the same ferocity? IYSWIM?

You shout at him so he feels justified in shouting back.

What happens when he throws you out?

If he's finding it hard to cope is 'removing you' (if that's the right expression) his way of trying to stop the situation escalating?

FabbyChic · 10/03/2011 23:26

Don't feel selfish, you have to do what is right BY your children and making sure you take medication and getting yourself well is the priority so you can be who you want to be and not a former shadow of your previous self. I know that breast feeding is important, but surely having a well mother is more important?

Original poster

purpleelephants · 10/03/2011 23:34

He dose shout at me and I ask him to help me calm down.
Its hard to explain but when i ask him after I've calmed down he says that he shouts at me, pushes me about ect to try to ge me to see sense.
He is infuriated that I could want to leave our DC and cant seem to understand that I'm not choosing to behave this way.
I try to tell him that I dont wake up and think 'ohh well at about 10.32am I will decide to freak out, cry and plan to leave our Dc motherless for kicks.

I dont understand it so I cant really expect him to and if anyone else was acting in a way that I felt might damage/upset my Dc, I would wipe the floor with them so I can see his point

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 23:40

He sounds really frightened that you'll 'leave' him and your children purple.

Would you be able to talk about how you'd like him to react if he sees you're struggling?

Maybe have something you can say to him that'll let him know you're finding it difficult?

Original poster

purpleelephants · 10/03/2011 23:49

I've told him that I just need him to tell me that it's all going to be ok and maybe give me a hug, but as soon as he realizes I'm pannicking he gets angry and starts being nasty.

I've discused it with him many times and he always says he will try but he only has managed it a few times.
Its like he thinks I can stop it.
I cant. I hate that I cant controll myself and have never had anything like this before. I freaked out earlier today but now I cant make sence of it.
How the hell could I have wanted to leave my DC is way beond my understanding.
If you met me you would just think I'm a normal Mum not a nutter that thinks these things.
If I cant understand it then how can he?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 23:59

To what ends does he think you'd put on feeling/behaving like that?

Nobody chooses to feel like shit, let alone say you feel so low that you've considered suicide.

If he's managed to act compassionately a few times, he can do it.

What was different about those times that enabled him to be calmer with you?

Original poster

purpleelephants · 11/03/2011 00:06

I have asked him why he would think I could controll myself and from what he said I think its that he cant get his head around being so unable to calm onse self down.

I dont know what was different about the times he was calmer. maybe it was talking to his mum about it.
She has no experiance of mh problems and is confused about mine,but knows me well enough to be sure that it must be a resl problem for me to be this affected by it.

OP posts:

smokingnuns · 11/03/2011 00:10

Guilt is a symptom of depression purple plus feeling useless (hence hanging on to bf). You do need to be on meds - go back to docs and tell the truth about how you're feeling and how your DP is reacting to how you're feeling. It's all gotten so awful by the sound of it. Really feel for you - been there, came out the other side.

Purple, don't kill yourself. I assure you it is the very worst thing you could do for your kids, the very worst. The wanting to die is a symptom of PND. When I had PND I got a lot of support from a PND helpline called MOthers for Mothers. Absolutely fantastic, made me feel sane in record time, talking to women who had had PND and weren't shocked by anything I said or felt. That and the meds got me through.

Big hugs.

MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2011 02:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolateteabag · 11/03/2011 02:58

Purpleelephants - you are a normal mum. PND is not something you can control, it's a sickness like any other. Depression like this is definitely not something you can just "shake off" or "cheer up". It really is like a black cloud which comes and sits over you.

I echo MD's comments above about going back to your GP, maybe print off this thread and ask them to read it if explaining is too difficult.

Your DH does need help and support - to be able to understand and help you. He sounds like he is scared and I'm guessing not something he will readily talk to other people about.

Maybe his reading this thread could help him? Would he go to see the GP with you?

Ilovethedoctor · 11/03/2011 04:02

Hi, I just posted on another thread about this guy, but I think he is genuine and fabulous.

He is the main psych that Dr Phil uses.

Google Dr Frank Lawlis and panic attacks.

Good luck

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/03/2011 04:16

I'm pretty appalled that he not only shouts at you but gets physically aggressive and yet he doesn't seem to see that his behaviour is wrong. It sounds like even though you're talking to him about it afterwards, he thinks he's justified in treating you this way.

Frankly, I'd insist on him getting some help - counselling, preferably. And otherwise I'd be thinking about kicking him out. It's not acceptable to be shouting at you and physically assaulting you. I know you're feeling very vulnerable, and I feel awful for you that you're dealing with the MH issues, but it doesn't excuse him one bit.

sunnydelight · 11/03/2011 05:35

Your DH needs to understand that this isn't something you can control. If he won't listen to you you need to try and find someone to talk to him who might get through to him.

Your children will never be better off without you, ever. There are two boys at school who lost their mum last year, it is heartbreaking to see them come in without the permission note signed, wearing the shirt that has clearly been pulled from the laundry basket, not having homework completed because their dad was working and there was nobody to help them with it... You ARE the most important person in their lives and you need to look after yourself and get better so that you can continue to play that role. Hugs.

Original poster

purpleelephants · 11/03/2011 09:29

Morning

I think I will show this to Dh and hope he 'gets it'.

Our mide Dc can throw som truly amazing paddies and he copes well enough with those, so I am not worried about how he deals with the Dc

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 11/03/2011 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSnaplegs · 11/03/2011 14:28

Would he consider reading about someone else to help him understand? I read this and found it very powerful - Down Came the Rain

I echo what others have said, go back to your GP, seek couples counselling to help him understand and concentrate on getting yourself well for your children.

cityhobgoblin · 11/03/2011 15:29

Hi OP, I'm very concerned that among the experienced & knowledgable responses about PND & panic attacks we may be missing this part of your 1st post-"He will say really hurtful stuff, throw me out and has even become physical with me."

OP, this is domestic violence and you must remove yourself from it...please post in Relationships, or at least look at the guide to DV that Mumsnet has posted at the top of the topic.

I spent 15(!) years of my relationship with my DH absolutely crippled with panic attacks and depression and he showed me nothing but kindness, although the situation was hell and he ought to have preserved his own health by walking away. It was his choice not to do so- your partner can choose to split from you, but still co-parent, if he isn't prepared to support you. I do have some idea of the distress he's feeling when he sees you feeling so bad- but he needs to read up on the reasons why his response is to turn on you , FFS

Counselling for you for your PND and for him separately for his abusive response would be something you could try to sort this sad situation. There have been so many threads about how dangerous couples counselling with eg Relate can be if there are any features of abuse in the relationship (& my own Mum experienced this problem) - the approach needs to be totally different, by a counsellor well trained in DV. First though, please establish a physically safe home for you and your DC and seek support for yourself.
Sorry to rant on& very best of luck

BettyCash · 11/03/2011 15:51

Hi OP - YANBU but your bloke is probably scared shitless by these panic attacks too - couples counselling?

cityhobgoblin · 11/03/2011 16:21

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