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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hurt that my mother shows little interest in her grandchildren

40 replies

montylady · 10/03/2011 23:01

Hi all
Just feeling a little hurt and needed to express my feelings. Before I start, I must stress that this rant isn't about expecting childcare of any sort but just about wishing that my mum would spend a little more quality time with my DC.
When I was growing up, I had a really close relationship with my grandparents from my mums side and have got many happy memories going to the park, sleeping over every Saturday night, going on day trips etc My paternal grandparents were very distant, even though they lived in the same area and I remember my mum always commenting on how much they were missing out on their grandchildren.
However, now I feel that my mother is doing exactly the same. She does work full time and I know she is always tired but whenever she does have some free time, she never really wants to spend it with me or the kids. She has never offered to babysit or take my son out for an hour and always seems to make an excuse when I ask her if she wants to meet for a coffee or spend the afternoon with me and her grandchildren. I have got a 4 year old and have just had my second DC a few months back and could really have done with a few extra visits from my mum, as she only lives 2 miles up the road. I do visit her but just feel that both me and the kids have become a bit of a chore for her. I feel stupid because I am a grown women in my thirties but feel so jelous when I see mothers and daughters spending time together . I feel a little pathetic for going on about it but just needed to get things of my chest. There is no point talking about this to my mum because I know it would just turn into a nasty argument .

OP posts:

igetmorelovefromthecat · 10/03/2011 23:12

I feel a bit like you about my mum, she lives just over an hour away and I hardly see her. DD2 is only 7 months bit DD1 is 6 and she has spent very little time with her Gran.

Not really much you can do though, I guess you have to leave it down to her to make an effort if she wants to. It's sad for the kids though as they're not little for long.

Flojo1979 · 10/03/2011 23:12

Hi, I know how u feel, I felt pretty much the same with my mum. Touch wood things aren't. To bad now but my mums always been a u made your bed u lie in it type, so when my partner left me pregnant with dc2 she was most unhelpful. And as a single parent I get quite lonely and wish we were closer. My mum doesn't work due to being in remission for cancer but I do some times get fed up of her illness being her excuse not to visit.

LessNarkyPuffin · 10/03/2011 23:15

Many Gps now work full time. Mine were retired. I think it makes a huge difference.

Original poster

montylady · 10/03/2011 23:24

It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one feeling this way . I just feel really dissappointed because this is just not what I was expecting, if anything I thought I would be having to tell her to back off a litte as she can be overpowering. She did seem to make a bit more effort with my DS but I just feel now that the novelty has now worn off. She will pop in for a coffee every so often when she is on the way back from the shops but if I ask her (which is not often)if she could just sit with DD for 10 mins whilst I do something, she seems to make her excuses and leaves. I thought she would want to do things with them but I have obviously got it wrong. I wouldn't feel so bad if she lived miles away but she doesn't. She starts work early in the morning but is done for 1.30pm every day but I am lucky if I see her once a fortnight. What winds me up is that she seems to find time to visit other people that are not really that close to her e.g. her husbands biological mum (who he has just traced) and partner who live 52 miles way! Again, I do think it is jelousy coming out of me but I am ashamed to say I just can't stop myself feeling this way

OP posts:

BeenBeta · 10/03/2011 23:29

Neither my mother or father spend any time with our DSs and it really annoys me and DW.

LessNarkyPuffin · 10/03/2011 23:30

I wouldn't ask her to do any childcare, solo trips out etc with them. For whatever reason she seems to be shying away from that. I would ask her around for coffee and let her just be there with you and your DCS. You can't make her what she doesn't want to be, but just being in the house means she's seeing them and they're used to having her around.

annielouisa · 11/03/2011 00:39

I am a GP to 6 DGC and 1 bump and I feel it is so sad that so many GP miss out on their DGC. Yesterday my DGD1 had her 11th birthday, I was her mums birthing partner along with my DD3 EXH one of the best experiences of my life.

We have had solo holidays with our GC and family holidays and great National Trust days out. It is sad because when those early years are gone you can,t reclaim them.

Northeastgirl · 11/03/2011 08:06

Although you say you don't resent the fact she doesn't help with childcare, you've alluded to that lack of babysitting in both of your posts, so perhaps it's been a bigger deal for you than you realise, on some subconscious level.

If you see her about once a fortnight, that sounds quite a lot to me. If she can pop in on her way home from the shops, perhaps she doesn't feel the need to plan in advance and is quite happy with a flexible arrangement.

Suggest you try to enjoy the time you do spend with her

Original poster

montylady · 11/03/2011 09:00

Thanks for all your responses. I think I am wanting her to be something she isn't, which I know I shouldn't really do. I guess that I am subconciously comparing her to my own grandmother who did lots of things with both me and my brothers but I know I shouldn't. I do see her reasonably often but it just feels that there is no quality in the time she does spend with us. It is normally a quick "can't stop" or "this is just a flying visit." When I do ask her around for coffee, she always seems to be busy. When I call her up for a chat, she always seems to be distracted. I think I was expecting a little more because she nagged me for year's about wanting to be a grandma and all the things she planned to do and now they are here -Nothing! Again, it is not about childcare, as my brothers are happy to help out on those occassions when needed but I guess I just feel hurt that she doesn't want to spend time or do things with the kids.

OP posts:

BettyCash · 11/03/2011 09:12

montylady have you told her how you feel?

boyscomingoutofmyears · 11/03/2011 09:13

No, YANBU. Are you my sister by the way Monty as my mum is exactly the same!

Actually, you can't be as my mum only works part time and has 4 days a week off. She does come visit every week for an hour or two but never spends and time with my children, just drinks tea and reels off her latest relationship drama while i'm supposed to listen sympathetically and tell her she is perfectly reasonable to cheat on every bloke she's ever had. I'm not allowed to visit her with the DC's either as they might drop a crumb on the floor!!! I grew up in a house where I had to sit at the dining table just to have a drink and was never aloowed toys upstairs.

It is sad that your children will not be close to their Grandma but i'm sure you make up for it with plenty of love. I always had a fab relationship with my Mum's Parents and it does make me that my Mum is so different from her parents but i'm lucky that PILs make fantastic grandparents.

cremeeggs · 11/03/2011 09:16

I have been through this too, although have realised it's more about the fact that my mother is only interested in my DC in terms of bragging rights really, or in using their accomplishments to diminish those of their cousins, and vice versa.

I have grieved this loss of "ideal" grandparents for my DC for many years, and have now finally let go. I have accepted that they are just not interested in building a relationship with my kids and that will never change. Now the children are older they have become aware of it themselves, without me ever saying anything. It makes them sad at times and therefore makes me sad but they seem robust enough for it not to harm their self-esteem (I hope!)

You do need to give yourself time to grieve the relationship you anticipated but haven't had, and accept that things are like this. It's not easy and it's not your fault. Unfortunately it's the way some people are. All you can do is ensure that your children are loved and secure and that they spend time with people who are genuinely interested in them.

Becaroooo · 11/03/2011 09:22

I was unlucky in that my GPs had all died by the time I was 4.

I really felt I "missed out" on something wonderful

Happily for me and my ds's (aged 7 and 2) they have a wonderful relationship with both sets of GPs...they see them both 2/3 times a week and stay over on fridays usually at PILs.

BUT they are all (except my dad) retired....perhaps tht is the difference????

Maybe when your mum retires she will be less tired and want to spend more time with them?

I can understand why you are upset....seeing my dc with their GPs and the relationship they have is lovely.

Original poster

montylady · 11/03/2011 09:43

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories .

Betty - I have not told her how I feel because although I love my mum, she can be very, very argumentative. In all my 32 years, I have never ever heard her once admit she was wrong or apologised for anything. She is quite an emotionally hard person and I must admit I do find it both difficult and stressful talking to her about things sometimes .

Boys & Creme - I think I have just got to accept the situation as it stands at the moment. Maybe things will change in the future .

Becca - I do agree with you that retirement does make a difference but I am not sure I will gain any time then,as she has told me her plans are to move away. Not far but well over an hour away. I just feel that although she does get less time because she works, the time she does have with them should be quality time and not stood having a quick coffee with me talking about the woman at her work that I don't even know.

OP posts:

Debs75 · 11/03/2011 09:53

If she only lives 2 miles away then drop in on her. If I left it to my mum we would hardly see her but I tend to tell her I will be calling in with dc3 and 4 and then we turn up. I know though that she does want to see them she's just not good at organising her time.
MIL on the other hand sees them 2-3 times a year and that is only when we sopend hours organising something. she lives close but can't be bothered

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/03/2011 10:11

Working full time, catching up on jobs, shopping, having some time to yourself is all a juggling act sometimes without adding anything else to the list.

Perhaps wait until she has time off work and then suggest an afternoon out together when she's a little more relaxed time wise.

Whilst your children are the centre of your universe, you do have to accept that not everybody feels that way about them.

Gottakeepchanging · 11/03/2011 10:14

The road runs two ways.

CPtart · 11/03/2011 10:17

My mum lives less than 5 miles away. She has never ever had both my boys overnight and only once (7.5 years ago) had my eldest son for a sleepover as we had to go to London. We can go 3 or 4 weeks without seeing her, and on the odd occasion she does babysit, always feel like she would rather be doing something else.

And no, she doesn't work.

Original poster

montylady · 11/03/2011 10:17

Happy and Gotta - I take your points on board - thanks

OP posts:

lesley33 · 11/03/2011 11:09

I know she could be much more interested and that is maybe just the way she is. But thought I would mention that both my parents who are in their early sixties say they get much more tired than when they were younger. This was nothing to do with GC - but both say although they have time now to do things, they don't always have the energy.

I also have a friend in her early sixties who says the same. I'm not saying everyone feels like this, but it is worth bearing in mond that even when people appear to be fit, their staminamay be much lower.

Original poster

montylady · 11/03/2011 15:32

Hi Lesley - my mums is in her fifties and I do understand that she must be tired working full time.

However take for example an hour ago, I spoke to her on the phone and she told me that she is off over the next 5 days using up some of her holiday entitlement. I asked her if she had made any plans and she said no, so went on to ask her if one afternoon she would like me to pick her (her cars in the garage being fixed) up and take her out with my 6 month old DD for the afternoon (oldest is in nursery). I suggested going for a coffee or maybe going for a walk in the park (as she has taken up walking more to get fit). Her reply was - "hmm, we'll see!" I know that if I do phone over the next 5 days she will have thought of an excuse because I think I put her on the spot. I know she obviosly wants to keep most of the days free to do as she feels and meet up with people but I was only after a couple of hours of her time. I really do think that I am going to give up asking .
What does wind me up though is when I do go off and do my own thing and stop asking she comes out with comments like "you seem to do your own thing now a
days" or "hasn't DD started getting clingy to you, she seems to cry when I go for a cuddle", what does she expect? Grandma is much of the time a stranger to her. Sorry rant over!

OP posts:

receiverofopiniongiver · 11/03/2011 15:40

I so understand your pain my mother lives 5 miles away, and although busy, is free (by her own admission) during the days and is often bored.

I get so frustrated over lack of time, effort and if I admit financial as conversations with my mother go like this (her initiating the conversation BTW!)

It was fantastic when you used to go away with your GPs for a week in the summer Dad and I loved the couple time.

Did you really? Fantastic let me and DH experience that.

Your GPs didn't have much money but every year they used to buy all your school uniforms.

Did they really? Fantastic when shall we go and get them (she's not short of a bob!)

Your GPs used to help out with childcare during every school holiday.
Did they really? When are you free?

So far the kids have got to teenagers, and she's not done any of the above yet. But what annoys me the most is not that she doesn't do it, but that she bangs on about how fantastic that her parents did it!!!

CURLYMAMMA · 11/03/2011 15:52

I've just had this exact conversation with my mum about not seeing us due to her very busy social life and I have got so fed up asking that I don't bother anymore. I am trying to be respectful of it being her time to do with as she pleases, but feel sad that we are not a higher priority for her. I think there are loads of reasons that we don't see her as much but I think part of it is that I am not as flexible to go to hers during nap times and say after 6 because frankly my kids are well passed their sell by date for visiting after dinner and go to bed at 7. Like you I was very close to my grandparents but my mums view on that is that the grandchildren all satisfied my grans empty nest syndrome. So, my mum says she will make more of an effort following our conversation and I am going to stop being resentful of her for having better things to do.

pranma · 11/03/2011 16:50

That is so sad-you are all missing out but especially your mum herself.I am exhausted after a day with one of my dgc but I wouldnt give up a minute of it.I honestly cant understand women who dont spend time with their dgc.When I had cancer people asked, 'What things do you really want to do now?'My answer,then and now, was 'I want to live long enough for all my grandchildren to remember me.'The youngest is now 2 and I have him one day a week and see him another couple of times so I hope I'm building memories.

jennypenney · 11/03/2011 17:27

What a shame your mum doesn't seem interested in being a grandma. Maybe she is feeling a bit unready for the realities of being the eldest generation? Although she has had 4 years to get used to it, she's only in her fifties and maybe she is feeling nervous about being round little children again? Does she have other GCs? She may be unwilling to face her own new position since, to be blunt, grandparents tend to be in the autumn of life and she might not want to admit that being a grandma makes her feel Older than she is! She may also be feeling that since her own parents were such lovely grandparents to you that she is worried she won't measure up to their standards.
You didn't mention your dad - if he is not around for whatever reason she may also be feeling that being a grandparent was something she wanted to do with him. Of course I do not wish to make any assumptions about your family circumstances but a friend of mine, who lost her father very suddenly about 18 months before she had her first baby, found that her mother showed much less interest in being a grandma than my friend had expected and she also felt quite hurt.

Or this could all be complete rubbish of course.
#armchairpsychology :)

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