to feel hurt that my mother shows little interest in her grandchildren

[montylady]

Hi all
Just feeling a little hurt and needed to express my feelings. Before I start, I must stress that this rant isn't about expecting childcare of any sort but just about wishing that my mum would spend a little more quality time with my DC.
When I was growing up, I had a really close relationship with my grandparents from my mums side and have got many happy memories going to the park, sleeping over every Saturday night, going on day trips etc My paternal grandparents were very distant, even though they lived in the same area and I remember my mum always commenting on how much they were missing out on their grandchildren.
However, now I feel that my mother is doing exactly the same. She does work full time and I know she is always tired but whenever she does have some free time, she never really wants to spend it with me or the kids. She has never offered to babysit or take my son out for an hour and always seems to make an excuse when I ask her if she wants to meet for a coffee or spend the afternoon with me and her grandchildren. I have got a 4 year old and have just had my second DC a few months back and could really have done with a few extra visits from my mum, as she only lives 2 miles up the road. I do visit her but just feel that both me and the kids have become a bit of a chore for her. I feel stupid because I am a grown women in my thirties but feel so jelous when I see mothers and daughters spending time together . I feel a little pathetic for going on about it but just needed to get things of my chest. There is no point talking about this to my mum because I know it would just turn into a nasty argument .

I think the key here is that your Mum works full time . This as you get older is very tiring and she is probably worried that she would be irritable with them through tiredness, and doesn't ultimately want to upset you/them.
Her spare time is also probably very precious to her, and cores that you could probably do in a few hours might take her somewhat longer.

She probably has very little leisure time and wants to spend it relaxing, and probably doesn't consider spending time with small children relaxing.

"cores" should read "chores" !!

I would have it out with her actually. Say to her what you just told us in your last post, that she complains about your DD crying when she tries to hold her, but what does she expect when she spends no time with you - and that she never seems to want to commit to spending any time with you.

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting a row, my Mum is dreadful at apologising and rarely admits that she has done anything wrong.
I think you have to speak to her about it though, because at least then you will know where you stand. Does she want to be involved, or not?

Was she a bit like this towards you when you were growing up?

I'm in a very similar situation to you. I was shocked when DS1 was born, even though I'd seen how she'd behaved towards my brother's children. She loves her grandchildren dearly but just doesn't seem that interested in taking them out or doing special things with them.

I was very hurt by this but then i realised that that's just the way she is. She was like that towards us when we were kids. She went back to work full time when I was 8 and tbh it's very sad that she didn't seem to want to do things with us. I don't know why I expected her to be any different with my children

Atthercarwash - You situation does sound very similar to mine. She does show some interest but I feel that it is not quality time that she spends with them. To me, it just feels like the kids are just on her 'to do list' so that in her own mind she can say that she has dome something. My brother has got a DD and he feels the same. She seems to look upon the kids as a chore. She will often speak to me about my niece saying things like 'she is a lovely baby, but I have got things to do. I wanted to decorate today and now feel my day off as been wasted by her being here for the afternoon'.I dont know, maybe I am just lookinginto things too much

It is sad, because as much as anything else, you would think that she would want to see you.

We are abroad & ILs have never visited in 15yrs-their only child & only GC!

It breaks my heart because my Mum, God love her is no longer around & she would have crawled over broken glass for her GC.

And my Dad, in his 80s makes the effort twice a year!

Monty, I don't think you're reading too much into it. As I said before, things are what they are and sometimes when you realise how people are, how your mother is, it can be painful.

The way I deal with it is by knowing that I'll be different with my grandchildren when I have them one day. I'm already different with my own children and I give them all the attention that she somehow couldn't give us. I don't want to paint a bad picture of my mother because she did love us and did as best as she could, but I know I am doing better.

Don't let it eat you up inside. Haing your mother 'reject' your child can be very corrosive and in the end you'll feel bitter if you let it get to you too much. Just enjoy your child and give her all the attention she deserves.

thanks atthecarwash - going back to what you said about 'did she spend time with us?' Yes she did but again she and my dad always worked full time when we were young and then after that seemed to prioritise EXTENSIVE cleaning & decorating over us, so what time she did have was few and far between. Her and my dad split up when I was in my twenties. My dad is around but he was never hands on and still isn't. He suffers from depression so have never expected anything from him. Again, it is not just the lack of time my mum spends with us but how she spends it when she does have time free.
I got upset today because she has started sending my DS toys back to our house that I gave her for when we visit because she told me we might as well have them at mine because she doesnt really need them at her house. It is things like that which get to me.

Diddle - I am sorry to hear your mum is not around to enjoy her GC

my parents are the same - and then my father says of them` oh, they don't love me'

I have the similar problem with both sets of GPs.......it's heartbreaking frankly. We live 40 mins away from both sets, my in-laws see my 2 DCs (4 and 6 months) maybe once or twice per year. They love to see DH and I, but have absolutely no interest in either of the DCs. They are slightly older (physically and mentally) and are of the "children should be seen and not heard!" generation. They've never babysat, read a story, been part of bathtime etc....but they aren't my parents so much as it saddens me that there's no relationship there and no amount of encouragement does anything - it's essentially up to my DH to sort it out.
My mother is much the same as yours. She works FT (from home) and is an extremely disorganised person so is incapable of ever making plans, or ever sticking to them. It's so so so frustrating as I think the GP relationship is a super important one. Mum will prioritise going out shopping and buying swanky clothes for the DCs rather than actually spending time with them - which I am grateful for but given the option......!

Monty....have we got the same mother????
The toy thing which upset you is just the kind of thing my mother would do :(

It's hard isn't it. We have such strong bonds with our children that we expect our mothers to feel them too, but in both our cases it's simply not like that. My kids are older than yours, my youngest is 5, so I've had a long time to get to grips with the situation. But I remember being extremely hurt about it all when they were babies.I'd see mothers with babies and toddlers and their mothers having coffee or at the park, and I really missed out on all that because my mother simply wasn't interested in doing these things.

It will get easier and in my case, i just knew she wasn't going to change so I just accepted it. I suppose there are worse things in life to worry about so I let it go. My children have an amazing relationship with my DHs parents and that's how I want to be when I have grandchildren...I'll want to bake with them, take them to the park, take them swimming, spend time with them as I do with my children now......just try not to be too hard on her or on yourself, try to come to terms with it and let it go.

My mum is the same, she came to visit and spent the whole week shopping/watching tv and relaxing in the garden.

She doesn't work so didn't have the excuse of it being her 'holiday'

I felt very sad for a long time after

Although it is a rubbish situation, it is good to know that I am not the only one feeling like this. I know in my heart both my parents are loving & caring people and I just need to accept that this is just how things are. I have got to stop comparing my grandparents to my parentsI think! My mum is good in so many differnt ways, I just need to focus on that. The relationship she is wanting to have with the childern is obviosly different to what I was expecting but I am just going to focus on the positives. thanks for listening to me moaning everyone

monty, glad you feel better about it. I too had different expectations about the grandmother/child relationship and it is very sad when these expectations are not fulfilled.

But from my experience I think you are doing the right thing by just accepting how she is and focus on all the good that she brings. Not once have my children complained about the lack of quality time they spend with my mother or how my DH's mother is so different. children are unaware of all this, unless of course they are being treated badly which luckily is not the case with either you or me.

But good for you for starting to come to terms with it..it will be a slow process though. I actually feel much better since coming on here and talking about it, so thank you for starting this thread ;)

Thanks atthecarwash - I too feel much better talking to people like you, as well as others in a similar situation. thanks agin