AIBU to think friends DH is doing too much?

[2Much]

I have a friend, she is lovely but I think it is unfair that her DH is doing the night feeds for their 5 week old DD and working full time.

She is a SAHM to DD and a toddler but she has a long term health problem which means that she cannot work. She told me that her DH is feeding their DD at night and working full time while she sleeps alone at night. I know she feels bad and has been doing extra bits around the house that her DH often does when she is tired but it seems unfair that he is having to do this. She did say though that if she was up in the night, she wouldn't be able to do much at all in the day and would pretty much be like a zombie.

She did all the night feeds for their DS when he was a baby so why can't she now?

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible, 2much.

It can be extra hard when you have an "invisible" illness like yours. I had anaemia after DC2, which left me too tired to feel safe on the stairs, but I felt so guilty that DH was working harder than me. However this time my problem is very visible (bandages, mobility aids) and I feel a lot less guilty because I have "evidence." Daft, isn't it?

Your partner obviously cares a great deal about your well-being, so you need to respect that and know that you are worth it! :)

If he's happy and she is happy, it has nothing to do with you.

Also she has the harder job with looking after a baby and a toddler so if he is able to do it, fair play.

Chronic fatigue syndrome

Why is it that when a man looks after children, it's work

and when a Childminder/Nanny looks after children, it's work

but when a Mother looks after children, she should be able to cope with all the housework and shopping and cooking all the while looking glamorous and providing enriching activities?

Having just come out the other end of the toddler/baby combo myself 2Much and knowing how utterly exhausting it can be even without MS/CFS, I'd say that if he's happy to do it then you need to let him. Parenting is best done as a team playing to your strengths. You sound like you do what you can which is all anyone can ask of you. He sounds like a lovely husband and father too :)

Show your DH this OP, see if it helps explain why some days you can do more than others. I have Fibro so I know how horrible conditions which cause chronic pain/fatigue are.

Spoon Theory

God, if DS is ill in the night now, like he has been this week, DH gets up and deals with him. DH deals with sleep deprivation better than I ever will and I've stopped feeling guilty about it now because it works for us. He genuinely doesn't mind, I'm better able to take care of our son during the day. Why do you think that child care is not a demanding job that requires sleep?

Yabu yabu yabvvvu!!!

OP you are being hard on yourself. The early months are hard work, and basically whatever works goes!

I was outraged when I read the OP and had already started formulating my response (had lots of swear words, righteous indignation, cutting one-liners) before realised it was about you.

Give yourself a break - as someone said before, whenever anyone else looks after your child it's work so it is when you look after them (no matter how much you love them). Your dh is spot on - one parent tired is better than two.

Personally, I'd rather the one who is holding the baby and looking after the toddler all day is well rested, especially if they had underlying health problems.

YABU

She has a toddler and the baby to look after in the day and he works full time. So would it be okay if she did the night feeds AND looked after the 2 children during the day?

Oh sorry it's about you sorry didn't read all posts

Give yourself a break, you have a nice husband who helps out how he can, you don't have to feel bad about it.

FWIW in the early weeks my dh woke up and stayed up all night with the baby (who didn't sleep much at night!). I was breastfeeding but I could just wake up with the alarm, feed and go back to sleep - he took care of the rest. This while he was working full time and I didn't have any health problems at all. He saw me going through a great deal of pain having a baby, he just wanted to ease things for me in the weeks after.

Mintymoo thank you for the spoons link it is very helpful, if only for me to know I am not alone in my thinking about my day!