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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think friends DH is doing too much?

64 replies

2Much · 10/03/2011 18:40

I have a friend, she is lovely but I think it is unfair that her DH is doing the night feeds for their 5 week old DD and working full time.

She is a SAHM to DD and a toddler but she has a long term health problem which means that she cannot work. She told me that her DH is feeding their DD at night and working full time while she sleeps alone at night. I know she feels bad and has been doing extra bits around the house that her DH often does when she is tired but it seems unfair that he is having to do this. She did say though that if she was up in the night, she wouldn't be able to do much at all in the day and would pretty much be like a zombie.

She did all the night feeds for their DS when he was a baby so why can't she now?

OP posts:
eaglewings · 10/03/2011 19:26

I did all night feeds and worked full time - dh sahd.

Now I have chronic fatigue my dh runs the house and works full time. Yes I feel guilty but it's the only option.

Thank God for understanding partners!

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/03/2011 19:27

Some fucking friend you are. Hmm

PomBearEnvy · 10/03/2011 19:27

MadamDeathstare, I think by the way this op is worded you may well have hit the nail on the head!!

I have the greatest respect for anyone with longterm health problems that does this much! I also have the greatest respect for the Dh of this lady, they obviously have a partnership that is equal for them and works.

Original poster
2Much · 10/03/2011 19:27

MadamDeathstare you have got it!! Blush

Sorry everyone, didn't mean to purposely deceive you and I do appreciate the replies, I honestly thought if I posted it as myself, people would tell me IABU.

I am the sick 'friend'.

I honestly feel very guilty about my DH doing the night feeds (it is 1 or 2 a night) and I know I have a full time 'job' with the DCs all day but I do tend to see it as me that should be getting up at night (although if I was reading it from another persons point of view, I wouldn't think it is a problem).

OP posts:
eaglewings · 10/03/2011 19:28

Madame death stare may have a point

Original poster
2Much · 10/03/2011 19:29

Just out of interest, what is it in the wording that gives me away?

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 10/03/2011 19:30

OP your daytime work is just as valuable as his daytime work, regardless of whether it is paid or not. i would rather be tired at owrk and make mistakes than tired when i was looking after a 5 week old baby. he is not doing too much. you have just given birth!!

thedogsswollocks · 10/03/2011 19:31

Is this a by the back door slag off of bottle feeding? Because I cannot work out why else anyone would give a fuck. Really.

(disclaimer - I personally could not give a fuck how anyone else fed their children and all of mine were mixed fed by 5 weeks)

Original poster
2Much · 10/03/2011 19:32

the dogsswollocks ummmm, no. I really have no idea what you are talking about. How on earth is it slagging off bottle feeding?

OP posts:
thedogsswollocks · 10/03/2011 19:32

Oh, I'm sorry Blush hadn't got to second page.

YANBU - I did the nights for 6 months with each of mine and now (in the midst of teeting hell) we do a night each. I wouldn't do all the nights for all the tea in China - I have a 2 year old who doesn't nap, a teething 8 month old, no family nearby and no childcare. I need a rest tooo!!!

HeathcliffMoorland · 10/03/2011 19:34

It depends on what her DH wants to do and what the health issue is.

You may or may not BU.

If she is able, and he needs a break, I would estimate that it should be about 50:50 on the night feeds.

While it is not particularly your business, I don't think it's outrageous that you would consider it. I am a bit surprised at the amount of Hmms and calling you a horrible friend.

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 10/03/2011 19:34

Another YABU. If she feels unable at the moment, and dh feels able, then that's just how it is. I'm sure there have been/will be times when she works extra hard to look after her partner when he's ill, busy or just plain overwhelmed.

I'm in this situation at the moment, recovering from surgery and can't look after my toddler very well so DH has been doing everything in evenings/ at night. It's just how it is at the moment. At Christmas, everyone except me had flu and I did everything right down to meals on trays. That's just life. No point attaching guilt, shame and blame to it.

Isn't this just what people do when they love each other?

eaglewings · 10/03/2011 19:34

It's not so much the wording as 'why would a friend post this'.

You have been through a huge drain on your resources and it sounds as if you need to give yourself a grief break!

Keep communication open between yourself and dh and accept his help, don't waste vital energy worrying.

were you as ill when you had your first baby?

HeathcliffMoorland · 10/03/2011 19:35

Just read reply now.

Still don't know whether or not he's doing too much...

PomBearEnvy · 10/03/2011 19:36

2Much.. Respect! Don't beat yourself up.

You do your bit dh does his, a marriage is about ups downs and helping each other. I'm sure your dh would rather get up to feed his baby in the night so your children have a functioning parent for the next day!!

You have your hands full all day and need to have the energy and concentration for when dh isn't there to help.
Night feeds won't last forever, and your dh isn't doing you a favour, hes doing his bit!
Smile

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 10/03/2011 19:40

Oh, OP, didn't see that last bit! In that case YABU - to yourself.

A couple of nights ago I told DH that I'd never been prouder of him as he's working so hard. He said that he feels very proud too, is happy to do it and actually apologised to me, saying he had no idea how much work I usually did.

SmethwickBelle · 10/03/2011 19:40

Newborn plus toddler is exhausting and at about five weeks the adrenaline and novelty of it all has worn off and you're into the slog. Consequently it is all hands to the pump and if DH has has the energy to take some pressure off at night, that's great and a sign of a good partnership I'd say.

BluddyMoFo · 10/03/2011 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 10/03/2011 19:44

I must rein in my use of the word "just."

onepieceoflollipop · 10/03/2011 19:46

2Much how lovely that you and your dh are sharing out the responsibilities as best you can in the current circumstances.

fwiw my dd2 wasn't a great sleeper for a couple of years, and dh did his share in the night despite working full time.

Please ignore any nosey or judgmental so-called friends, it is your business.

As someone else said the night feeds won't last forever. :)

Mahraih · 10/03/2011 19:47

Oh, OP, glad it was you and not a horrible 'friend'.

Please don't worry, your situation sounds reasonable.

LadyBiscuit · 10/03/2011 19:53

I have no idea what your long term health problem is but my sister has cystic fibrosis. Sometimes she's fine, sometimes she has to go to bed if she takes her DS to school. I don't judge her at all. Because I know, like you, her very harshest critic is herself.

Give yourself a break, eh?

Original poster
2Much · 10/03/2011 19:58

Thanks everyone. Smile (Its M.E./CFS btw)

I do feel better.

DH thinks that its better our children have 1 functioning parent as oppose to 2 knackered and snappy parents. I can see his point on that.

I just can't help feeling guilty but as DD is only having 1 or 2 feeds a night, it isn't too bad and I can do a night at the weekend and catch up on some sleep in the day.

OP posts:
thedogsswollocks · 10/03/2011 20:03
Confused

What's CFS?

thedogsswollocks · 10/03/2011 20:03

Sorry, chronic fatigue syndrome!

That's horrible, my friend has it. You need all the rest you can get.