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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DP make it up to me?

35 replies

shadycharacter · 10/03/2011 16:26

Yesterday was my birthday, DP was supposed to be taking me out to the cinema...

I went to my mums for a bit whilst waiting for him to get home from work (we live literally 2 mins from each other) I sent several texts to DP asking what time he'd be back, reminding him of film times and asking if he wanted to go out for food before the film. No reply. So I called him and he was home doing something to his car and hadn't realised I'd text. Fine.

I went home, put a bit of make up on and he came up to get changed, asked where we were going for food. I told him it's too late now, we don't have time. So he starts shouting about how he's been at work all day and is starving, slamming wardrobe doors etc. I explained that he'd been home from work for nearly 4 hrs and could have eaten if he was hungry. Cue further shouting about how he thought we were eating out etc etc. I told him he has time to stick some quick freezer food in the oven.

I went to drop something to my mum and came home to him sitting with his head in his hands huffing and puffing, asked what's up, "I'm fucking starving and where's my orange bag" Had no idea what he was talking about so asked him to describe the bag, he started shouting at me like I was some kind of half-wit so I just ignored him, found the bag (I had moved it) and put it next to him, then I said "I don't want to go out any more"

I wasn't being dramatic/attention seeking/a martyr, I just felt he'd totally ruined the atmosphere and he obviously wasn't happy to be going out, who wants to be taken out by someone who doesn't actually WANT to take you out?! He made me feel like such a burden.

So today he's said he's sorry about ruining my birthday (yesterday he was saying it was my fault for deciding not to go) and asked if he could make it up to me and take me out tonight instead.

I don't want to be taken out tonight, I'm tired, hormonal (36 weeks preg) and disappointed and it's not my birthday today. I also don't want to be sending DS off to grandparents two evenings in a row. I feel like he's just trying to ease his guilty conscience, surely if he'd wanted to take me out for my birthday so much, he'd have made the effort yesterday?

Am I just prolonging my sulking and being pathetic about this? Should I just let him try to put things right, even though I'm still really pissed off with him and still upset and disappointed?

OP posts:

Ormirian · 10/03/2011 16:29

I don't blame you for being upset with him.

And I can understand why you still feel pissed off but are you perhaps cutting your nose off here? Perhaps suggest you do it over the weekend when you are feeling less ruffled.

Does he often do this sort of thing though?

BluddyMoFo · 10/03/2011 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartSkipsABeat · 10/03/2011 16:32

Aww :( sorry you didn't have a good birthday.

YANBU I think, it sounds like DH was really out of order. I'd just tell him that he'll have to make it up to you later, the next time you can get babysitters.

StormInaCCup · 10/03/2011 16:33

YANBU - I can totally see why you wouldn't want to go. I am 27 weeks pregnant and if DH was like that with me, I am pretty sure I would have burst into tears at the very least. I think you were remarkably restrained!

Unless he is very contrite I would be tempted to tell him not to bother. He shouldn't be huffing and ranting at a pregnant woman. I am miffed on your behalf.

Katey1010 · 10/03/2011 16:37

What a child (DH not you). I would think of a way he can make it up to you, though. You could have the baby any time so you want things to be happy between you.

rasta · 10/03/2011 16:38

YANBU at all. Sorry your birthday was a let down.

Does he often shout at you?

thefurryone · 10/03/2011 16:38

Well you were late home as well so it was a little unfair to cancel dinner, I get quite ratty when I'm hungry too, although he should have been a bit nicer because it was your birthday.

I do generally think it's bad form to not let someone apologise for their bad behaviour though, although if he behaves like this all the time then I can understand why you wouldn't want to.

TheCowardlyLion · 10/03/2011 16:44

I'm with BluddyMoFo - I don't understand how you were at your mum's all afternoon yet when you decided to go home, it was suddenly too late to go out for a meal Why didn't you go home earlier so you could do both?

Don't actually see how he has ruined your birthday, tbh - if he had time to have some freezer food/you had time to go back to your mum's it sounds as if you had loads of time to go for a quick bite to eat before the cinema even if it was only at MacDonalds or something! Would have averted the fight, anyway!

BettyCash · 10/03/2011 16:45

YABU - make up with the bugger

Original poster

shadycharacter · 10/03/2011 16:51

Phew, thought I'd possibly get flamed for being a stroppy child!

BluddyMoFo, I was just waiting for DP at my mums, I'd have gone back home as soon as he text to say he was back. DS was at my mums as she was babysitting so I would have had to sit at home on my own waiting around for DP otherwise. My mum lives 3 doors away from us, takes me 30 secs to get home, I wasn't late. I'd been to town and was back by 5.30, was just waiting on DP and thought I may as well have some company while I waited. I'm never late

I think he was so stressy because we'd got our wires crossed, he was obviously hungry and was assuming we'd still be going to dinner, but I kinda burst his bubble when I explained we wouldn't have time now (because he was so late home)

Hmmm, I don't really want to drag it out and I do want to give him a chance to make it up to me but I'm still cross with him so I don't want to go out with him!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 10/03/2011 16:58

I never look at my mobile if I'm in the house. If you had arranged to go out with your husband then camping out at your mums rather than going home and waiting for him sounds bizarre.
Why is being in your own house so awful? He wasn't late home, you were as you hadn't told him you were going to your mums.
You both sound as though you over reacted. What's wrong with a quick sandwich then film then take away, or do it another night and don't go to your mums.

BluddyMoFo · 10/03/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chippy47 · 10/03/2011 17:04

What was in the orange back though?

Sounds like a bit of a child. Nachos/popcorn/hotdog at the cinema? Sure he could have coped.

At 36 weeks pregnant you do not need this sort of behaviour.

BluddyMoFo · 10/03/2011 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zikes · 10/03/2011 17:08

I think you should go out tonight and have a nice time. I'm sure when you go out you'll enjoy it and it'll smooth things over.

If you don't, it looks like you're sulking, when it was just crossed wires, (although he shouldn't have shouted).

Salmotrutta · 10/03/2011 17:15

I also think the orange bag must be germane to the story chippy47

Original poster

shadycharacter · 10/03/2011 17:17

Sorry don't think I've explained very well, when I said he was home from work, I meant he had finished work 4 hrs ago, he wasn't actually home, he had some errands to run and then was working on the car at his uncles garage for a while. He came home and carried on working on the car but didn't let me know he was home. He knew I was at my mums as I'd text him to let him know my little brother had chosen me a birthday cake so I was going to have some cake and told him to let me know when he gets in. There's nothing awful about being at my house, it's just that because it was my birthday and my brother was excited about the cake, I did the cake there and stayed around for a bit, would have been a bit pointless to go sit home alone when I was already at my mums.

I have no idea what was in the orange bag actually, I was so pissed off I didn't even think about it!

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 10/03/2011 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

shadycharacter · 10/03/2011 17:22

Well he's home from work and being extra nice to me, think I may have to let him off this one. He knows how upset/pissed off I was and I'm going to tell him he can take me out at the weekend, that's a good compromise isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

shadycharacter · 10/03/2011 17:29

Haha, BluddyMoFo, I text him as I was leaving town to let him know I was going to my mums and he replied telling me he'd text me when he gets in.

It's the texts asking where are you, do you want to go to dinner, that he didn't see. I didn't want to nag him as thought he was busy so left it until time was really pushing on, then called him, he was home then and was doing something to the car so hadn't text me yet or seen my texts about food. So the first he knew about going for food is when he checked his phone when I called him, so he thought we were still going out, but he was late and we wouldn't have had time to eat. Gawd, how confusing! I think in future I'll just call him!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 10/03/2011 17:30

It sounds as though next time you arrange to go out on an evening you arrange a time to meet at home and don't both find other activities to do. Relying on texts is hopeless as phones get forgotten or batteries run down.

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 17:32

Being hungry and tired can bring out the worst in a person.

He was in the wrong and he knows it, trying to make it up to you is the best outcome really.

If he was still sulking then I would have said for you to give him the brush off until he grew up, but he's making an effort

Me and DH had our biggest row to date because I wouldn't help him look for his fucking cufflinks, talk about a sense of entitlement

The weekend is a great compromise, and will give you something to look forward to.

2rebecca · 10/03/2011 17:42

I can understand about him not wanting to go out to see a film without eating. I'm starving when I get home from work. You had been munchink cake all afternoon after all. Couldn't he have had a piece of your birthday cake and a sandwich or couldn't you have gone out for a meal instead of to a film? If there wasn't time for both I'd prioritise the food.

TheCowardlyLion · 10/03/2011 17:52

Salmotrutta · 10/03/2011 18:24

Hahahaha TheCowardlyLion - guess why I re-checked this thread

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