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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do? (long, sorry!)

44 replies

extremepie · 10/03/2011 11:59

Ok, here goes. I have avoided posting about my situation on MN thus far as I've been nervous about incurring the wrath of its members but have now reached the conclusion that I don't care. I am fully prepared for people to tell me I'm an idiot but if I could get at least a few posts that are reasonably helpful I will be happy :)
Basically, I am 25, married for 5 years, with 2 boys aged 4 and 3, the younger of whom is autistic.
My husband doesn't work, which I don't have a problem with because I work part-time and go to college. It has been made very clear to me, especially recently, that if I don't go to work I get horribly depressed, so he is happy to stay home and take care of the kids, so this is fine.
What is not fine is that he spends so much of his time on the computer (WoW), that he says up stupidly late, wakes up stupidly late and then spends most of the day not wanting to do anything except play on the computer (vicious cycle).
He does smoke weed, not around the kids, but still more than I would like given that we are on a very low income, and I just really can't stand the smell of it in my house, on my clothes, etc.
He does virtually no housework at all, an I mean at all, no dishes, no hoovering, no laundry, virtually nothing. He does cook occasionally if it's something that only requires and oven or microwave.
We hardly spend any time together alone, hardly ever go out because we have no money and don't really interact much in the evening once the kids are in bed because he's always on the computer.
The only reason I'm able to write this now is because he is still in bed, once he gets up I pretty much won't be able to use it.
I'm just so frustrated most of the time, I don't know what the solution is.
I'm sure most people are going to tell me to leave him.
You're probably right.
There's just one problem.
I love him. I know it sounds stupid but I really really want us to be together, I just want him to be the person I thought he was going to be when we first got together instead. Most of the time I feel like a slave and don't feel like I get much back in return. I know he loves me , I just want him to change his behaviour.
I don't want to carry on this way for the rest of my life, I don't want assurances that he will change eventually, I want it to happen now.
I don't want to look back on my life and think, 'did I make a mistake?' 'Did I give up a chance to have a happy relationship with someone else who wouldn't take me for granted and would treat me like a princess'? 'If I left him would life be easier for me?' 'Would the kids suffer?'

I just don't know anymore :(

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 10/03/2011 12:03

"I just want him to be the person I thought he was going to be when we first got together"

He has never been that person though, has he? And he never will be that person, I am afraid.

It is not about being treated like a princess, but being treated with respect.

Easy to say, "Leave the bastard", less easy to do so. But you know that is what most posters are going to say.

worraliberty · 10/03/2011 12:03

It's a shame you both want him to be a SAHD because it really sounds to me as though he needs a job to get him out of the lazy rut he's in.

Still to be honest, he can only act this way because you allow it. Even the 'cooking' you say he does...well that isn't actually cooking, it's slamming stuff in the oven/microwave.

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 12:04

You may love him but does he respect and love you?

Lay down some ground rules. No more weed in the house. It's your home too. And as he isn't working then the bulk of the housework should be down to him.

Tell him how it is. See what he says. If he isn't willing to compromise on these things then take away the router. Wink

Seriously, I left my husband a year ago and am better off financially as well as emotionally and so are the kids.

Ormirian · 10/03/2011 12:05

"I just want him to be the person I thought he was going to be when we first got together instead"

Not going to happen though. Sorry Sad

DELHI · 10/03/2011 12:05

You have to talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he really loves you and wants to be part of a family, he will have to stop taking so much and start giving a bit.

Surely he can't be smoking/on computer all day with 2 small children to look after when you're not there?

he needs to act like a responsible adult and a parent - ie get up at a reasonable time, structure his day, do chores, make a contribution.

If he won't I think you know what you have to do

Original poster
extremepie · 10/03/2011 12:06

I know the reason he acts this way is because I allow it, I am to soft on him and I don't know how to say no to him. I'm pretty such he plays on this without even meaning to but what are my options?

Either shut up and live with it or leave him and separate my kids from their dad?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 10/03/2011 12:07

Love isn't a one-way street... as the saying goes. Loving someone doesn't mean letting them walk all over you, treat you with contempt, smoke the family income, sit on their arse all day and take advantage of your nice nature. That's called 'being a doormat'. And FWIW he doesn't actually love you if that's the way he behaves.

There's such a thing as 'tough love'... maybe that's the way forward? Treat him as you would a wayward child. Be less compliant & forgiving, have some houserules and demand more respect. If you give him the opportunity to change he might rise to the challenge. If he rejects the opportunity, then you really are better off without him .

worraliberty · 10/03/2011 12:07

No, as others have said you two really need to talk.

MissVerinder · 10/03/2011 12:08

What is it with WOW?

I agree with worra; you are allowing him to behave this way. The weed should stop right now at the very least. It's hrd, OP but you've got to do something for you and the DC. They'll be starting to notice and pick up what he's doing soon.

Chil1234 · 10/03/2011 12:11

"Either shut up and live with it or leave him and separate my kids from their dad?"

That's not only choice... Get vocal and decide not to live with any more. It's tough to find your voice if you're not used to using it but, once you've found it, you'll wonder why you left it so long.

FWIW Kids separated from feckless, uncaring dads often do far better than those that grow up with bad role models.

DELHI · 10/03/2011 12:11

You have to stand up for yourself because he's taking total advantage of you and letting you be responsible for everything. If you carry on letting him behave like this, nothing will ever change. You have to take action if you want things to change. If he won't play ball and you end up splitting up, then you and the kids are better off without him - how exactly does he make anyone's life better? He's lazy, selfish and immature, and doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
extremepie · 10/03/2011 12:12

He does play a lot of WoW.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him but we've had many discussions about this and it's an escape from reality for him, he has a lot of friends on the game because he can't go out much.
He's suffered from depression quite badly and one of the reasons he smokes so much weed is, he says, it helps him better than anti-depressants (from what he was like on them I have to say this is actually true.)
Arrrrg!

OP posts:
harassedinherpants · 10/03/2011 12:15

MissVerinder I think what it is is a fantasy world tbh. I think players get drawn into and it seem their view of reality and responsibility skewed!

My own dh plays WoW but not like this, and he never has.

extremepie - I think he needs something, maybe a job? Could you both work part time?

He def needs to knock the weed on the head.

Is he aware of how things are??

mmsmum · 10/03/2011 12:17

You said you need to work or you get depressed. From what you have said I think the same goes for your DH, sounds like he is depressed. Find some childcare for when you work part time or get him to work on the days/times you don't. You'll increase your income and both have a greater sense of purpose. Your children can't be enjoying being left to themselves all day while DH is on the computer. Have a chat and tell him things need to change or else!

DELHI · 10/03/2011 12:17

Get him to the doctor then! Get some anti-d that suits him. that's all excuses on his part for being an idle waster and you are letting him get away with it.
Unfortunately, he has to want to change. I think you have an uphill battle ahead.

mmsmum · 10/03/2011 12:18

PS I've read weed is known to cause paranoia and anxiety, and that's certainly not going to help someone with depression!

Why can't he go out? Why don't you take turns one evening a week to go out and see friends?

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 12:22

He is talking crap about the weed - it is a depressant and probably the reason he is depressed to start with.

I play WoW. My partner plays too. It isn't WoW that is the problem - it is his attitude to playing it.

CoffeeDodger · 10/03/2011 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 10/03/2011 12:25

Cannabis and depression

Google it and this is just one of thousands of articles. The cannabis could well be the cause of the depression not the cure, so the more he smokes the worse he will get.

And the others are right. Stop enabling this behaviour. Where is the money coming from for his weed? If he hasnt got the money he cant buy the drugs so I would be taking tighter control of the money for a start. you are working so he can get off his head and is taking money from your children, how is that ok?

Dont expect him to do jobs without asking as he obviously wont, so before you go out say "Will you please do X Y and Z today". If he doesnt then you are perfectly within your rights to ask why.

I think that relationship counselling would be very good for you both, or if he wont go, then for you alone to help you deal with him more effectively, find your confidence to address the problems and to decide whether you can live like this long term.

You may love him, but love isnt enough to keep a relationship going. You need respect, mutual caring and trust. You dont seem to have these at the moment.

piprabbit · 10/03/2011 12:27

Sounds like a miserable situation for you both.

Looking at the ages of your children, I'm assuming that the eldest will be in school by September and the youngest possibly starting pre-school.

Could you start a discussion with your DH about how you both expect things to be when the children are out of the house more. Could he find a job or volunteer role to get of the house on his own sometimes? Could you ask him to start afresh with helping in the home? If he gets proper medication for his depression, then maybe the money saved from weed could pay for a babysitter and an occassional night out for you together.

Start making plans together and make sure you both put sometimes aside to review how the new plans are going. If nothing is changing and you are still unhappy, then you need to make some choices on your own.

Asinine · 10/03/2011 12:28

Wow is seriously addictive. There was a programme on recently where people were not eating or washing because they'd got so involved. Ask him what's more important in his life, wow or you and kids. Then he nerds to show that by his actions, not words. e.g.He could agree to put a time limiter on the computer, have weekends with no screen time. He needs to spend more time in real life than out of it. Eventually your children will copy their father's behaviour, is this what he wants?

Asinine · 10/03/2011 12:29

Nerds? Needs Blush

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 12:31

I hate when WoW gets blamed. It's not the WoW - it's his addictive personality.

Lots of things are addictive. Chocolate can be but we don't all stuff our faces 24/7.

Asinine · 10/03/2011 12:33

Agree manicbmc. It's not the game itself, just the overdoing of it.

Original poster
extremepie · 10/03/2011 12:40

I think he does have an addictive personality, which is part of the problem. He was addicted to other, harder drugs which he gave up when he met me.
He says weed is the only thing he had left which he enjoys and I'm not so opposed to it every now and again but it's so much!
He says he gave up the other stuff because I didn't like it and he wanted to be with me more - if he did it then why can't he do it now!
I don't get it!
He's not stupid, I think he knows we have problems but I think it's easier to stick his head in the sand and not deal with reality but playing WoW and smoking his problems away.
I know he's had a really hard time dealing with the autism diagnosis, he's cried on my shoulder a few times but how am I suppossed to deal with it? Go out and get drunk all the time?
I have a family history of alcoholism (6 family members in 3 generations) and I refuse to resort to it to deal with hard times, it just makes things worse ultimately.

OP posts: