to not know what to do? (long, sorry!)

[extremepie]

Ok, here goes. I have avoided posting about my situation on MN thus far as I've been nervous about incurring the wrath of its members but have now reached the conclusion that I don't care. I am fully prepared for people to tell me I'm an idiot but if I could get at least a few posts that are reasonably helpful I will be happy :)
Basically, I am 25, married for 5 years, with 2 boys aged 4 and 3, the younger of whom is autistic.
My husband doesn't work, which I don't have a problem with because I work part-time and go to college. It has been made very clear to me, especially recently, that if I don't go to work I get horribly depressed, so he is happy to stay home and take care of the kids, so this is fine.
What is not fine is that he spends so much of his time on the computer (WoW), that he says up stupidly late, wakes up stupidly late and then spends most of the day not wanting to do anything except play on the computer (vicious cycle).
He does smoke weed, not around the kids, but still more than I would like given that we are on a very low income, and I just really can't stand the smell of it in my house, on my clothes, etc.
He does virtually no housework at all, an I mean at all, no dishes, no hoovering, no laundry, virtually nothing. He does cook occasionally if it's something that only requires and oven or microwave.
We hardly spend any time together alone, hardly ever go out because we have no money and don't really interact much in the evening once the kids are in bed because he's always on the computer.
The only reason I'm able to write this now is because he is still in bed, once he gets up I pretty much won't be able to use it.
I'm just so frustrated most of the time, I don't know what the solution is.
I'm sure most people are going to tell me to leave him.
You're probably right.
There's just one problem.
I love him. I know it sounds stupid but I really really want us to be together, I just want him to be the person I thought he was going to be when we first got together instead. Most of the time I feel like a slave and don't feel like I get much back in return. I know he loves me , I just want him to change his behaviour.
I don't want to carry on this way for the rest of my life, I don't want assurances that he will change eventually, I want it to happen now.
I don't want to look back on my life and think, 'did I make a mistake?' 'Did I give up a chance to have a happy relationship with someone else who wouldn't take me for granted and would treat me like a princess'? 'If I left him would life be easier for me?' 'Would the kids suffer?'

I just don't know anymore :(

Though I would say many games are deliberately designed to have an addictive quality.

Gaming companies know how our brains are hardwired and use a formula to best tap into that.

extreme you have to look at yourself and say I deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

Because a woman like me would never have a man who smoked weed all day, didn't help around the house, didn't work, didn't interact with the community, and played blooy PC games until all hours.

And you are every bit as important as a woman like me.

I have an addictive personality and I know it which is why I stay away from games like that! If I do anything enough I will be addicted pretty quickly, I even have to keep an eye how often I check into MN

Asinine freudian...

"I just want him to be the person I thought he was going to be when we first got together instead."

Sorry but he's not and probably never was the person you thought he was going to be/wanted him to be.

I'd sit down with him when he's not stoned and have a full & frank conversation with him - WAKE UP CALL style conversation. As I told my DP in the early days, "You are more than welcome to live the life of a bachelor, but you must go elsewhere to do so. If you want to live here with us, as a family then I/we require a minimum of X, Y & Z". 3 years on & he is the most marvellous partner (most of the time) and is a totally committed co-parent/equal participant in the home (thank goodness I sigh). Yes I needed to be hard-arse about it, but we are all happier for the change, especially DP.

BTW if you are smelling weed in your clothes and your home, then he's smoking around the kids (even if they aren't in the room at the time).

MissV
Freudian slap?
Oh no, did it again

you need an overhaul of finances......how much is he spending on weed each week?? you are working and paying for this. so how much is it?

also,you could get rid of the internet connection for a while

Is he responsible enough to look after two young DCs when he is on weed? Gosh I would be worried about that too.

What are your dcs doing all day while he's skinning up/WOWing? Are they just parked in front of the TV?

I would start by trading in your home computer for a laptop that you can take with you when you go out, and then doing that. Don't you need it for college?

Also, don't let him sleep in in the mornings! Send the dcs into the bedroom if he's not up at a reasonable time... if he doesn't get up until lunchtime he isn't a full-time SAHD, he's part time. Meanwhile, you are juggling college, part-time work AND being a part-time (morning) SAHM. Not fair

blimey op you're not having much fun atm. imo your dh is showing ALOT of symptoms of depression - especially the weed/sleeping excessively/staying up late doing nothing productive/lack of motivation etc. i have a depressive personality and in my low periods do a great job on convincing myself that whatever pointless task im fixated on (fb usually!) will makeeverything better whereas actually it makes me feel more shit in the long run - only thing thats works for me is positive action toward real goals - hope that all made sense.

sounds like your dh is totally stuck in a rut and has lost all his motivation for anything really and replaced it with wow. a friends dp did exactly the same with wow after he was made redundant to the point where he would only attend xmas with her parents if he was allowed to install wow on their computer for the duration of the stay. like fools they let him! he had withdrawn from real life almost completely by then and guess what? my friend went to work ft and paid all the bills, enabling him to sit there on wow all day - sound familiar?

yanbu to feel he is not contributing or pulling his weight in the reltionship. don't be afraid to gibe him an ultimatum - he needs a hefty reality check

Your DH and my DS's father - separated at birth

Except: my ex was violent.

Dear reader I left him. I don't know what advice to offer apart from what has been said already. I offer you ((((hugs)))) to make the right decision.

I've only skimmed part of this thread, but have you had any input as a couple from medics/social services/education authorities regarding your DS's autism diagnosis. Or contact with the NAS?

If there is depression behind your DH's behaviour, perhaps dealing with the diagnosis may help?

But what is he doing? I mean he is not a SAH parent really, except that he is in the home with his kids alone sometimes. He is obviously not interacting or caring for them properly if he is playing computer games all day. He is not doing even an equal share of the housework - actually he should be doing a bigger share since he is neither working or studying. How is he even feeding the kids if he doesn't cook? You have no relationship at all because he doesn't talk to you and is keeping such different hours.

You don't have a partner you have a dope smoking, slovenly, lazy lodger who isn't even paying rent and instead providing a very questionable babysitting serivce.

You can't put up with this. You need to read him the Riot Act. Tell him what you expect and see an immediate improvement or else he is out. You should get counselling together and perhaps seperatly for him (for possible depression?). But staying put and saying nothing is not an option

Should you be leaving your children with an older child who is spending his time on the computer rather than caring for them? And is he fit to care for them anyway?
If he's depressed he needs medical help, not weed. And you need a husband not a third child.

You don't love HIM, you love the potential you thought he had to be the person you wanted him to be and at the start of the relationship he lived up to that. Well, we all do at the start!
But what you're in love with wasn't real and you will wait forever for him to change. If you can't accept this IS who he is then you need to accept or make peace with who he ACTUALLY is. If you can't- then yes, you will look back on a life with regrets. Out there somewhere will be the person you want and it will be genuine not you pinning a character on the guy and loving that veneer.

Is he kidding? weed MAKES you depressed, it doesn't relieve depression. Messes up your brain chemistry in the long run - absolute disaster for someone with a propensity towards depression.

Sorry to say it, but he's addicted - to games, to weed. So he can say he wants it to change but is probably astonished that even though he really wants to change, nothing happens and it goes steaming on as before. Of course games and weed are an escape, that's what addictions are for.

I was with you until you said the 'princess' thing OP. Are you nice to him because you think that in the end he'll realise how lovely you are and just not be able to help falling at your feet totally and hopelessly in love with you? That would be being addicted to YOU. No addiction is healthy, regardless how it looks from the outside. Perhaps you're addicted to being adored? You wouldn't be the first if so (we've all got a bit of that about us imo) but it isn't healthy tbh.

btw why didn't you post this on relationships instead of on the rough, tough, often vicious, AIBU highway?

OP let's break the problem down.

Life has changed. Your DH hasn't.
This is not unusual and it is nothing that cannot be sorted if you both have the will to do so.

You know what makes you happy: Having a family and having a career.
The deal you and your DH have should make you happy, but it doesn't because he is not living up to his side of the bargain.

You are fulfilling your side of the bargain working on the outside to provide the finance and stability necessary for life. He is not taking care of the home and children. He is still putting himself before you, your children and your home. This is not on.

While he is entitled to "Him time", that can only be fitted in after he has fulfilled his duties the way you fulfil yours. Your absence does not mean that he can do what he likes.

If you cannot get results from him, broaching this issue on your own, perhaps you could do with help from Relate or another counselling organisation. If you both love eachother you can get through this. If you can't get through this, maybe it is because you his love and commitment is to himself and not his family. In which case it is best you find out as soon as possible and make the necessary changes to improve your life and that of your children.

smokingnuns, I think when I said the 'princess' thing I was just looking for an example really. I have never been treated 'like a princess' before in a relationship before and am not actually sure I would want that.
I don't want him to swap his other addictions for me, but I do want him to stop being selfish and realise that while this marriage might be providing him with everything he needs and wants, it's not doing the same for me or the kids.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm never happy but it's just that I'm getting so tired of re-hashing the same arguments because it's like talking to a brick wall and nothing ever changes.

I think one major thing that people have pointed out is to take away the computer. I can't really do that as I need it for myself, but also because we spent a lot of money on it for DH's christmas present. Can't afford a laptop. Don't really want to take away the internet, etc, as feel that would be like treating him like a child who has misbehaved. Hmm..

I want to believe in him and give him the chance to turn it around but I don't know how many chances are enough?

You say you've had many discussions with him so I wouldn't give him too many more chances. If he's going to act like a child, treat him like one. What about password-protecting the PC?

Also, what are the children doing while he's smoking weed and playing WoW? Are they safe when he's in charge?

What makes you think he loves you?

Do you love him or the person you want him to be?