To not want to get pregnant again, but want another baby?

[OTTMummA]

I had a horrendus pregnancy with my one and only child, who is now 3.
I had severe spd, gestational diabetes and was hospitalised prior and up to the delivery.
I had a section, which was the only pleasant experience of pregnancy tbh.
I then developed postnatal psychosis, which was terrifying.
I never want to risk that one thing alone happening again.
I had depression on and off, and the spd has never completely gone away, and i still have to spend days in bed because of the pain every few months.

I would love to have another baby, but now have come to the conclusion that i do not want to ever get pregnant again.

Me and DH have discussed gestational surrogacy, and it is something that, in the future we would seriously consider.

I stupidly told my mother, in response to a question, about what we want, and think we will do, ie the above.
Well, won't be making that mistake again, i was basically told i was selfish, and i wouldn't be considered a the true mother of a baby concieved this way, i won't have a bond, and people with think less of me.

My mother doesn't live anywhere close to me, so she didn't get to see how dibilitating my pregnancy was, i tried to explain, and she just laughed and told me how pathetic i was being, "you've only got the one, try having 5 of you and a bad back, maybe if you can't handle being a parent you should just stick with one, im sure DH won't mind."

Now im just not sure, maybe DC would be better of being an only, but i don't want that, is that selfish?
AIBU to choose surrogacy for the above reasons? am i just weak and pathetic?

Your mother is being ridiculous. It is totally understandable to be worried in those circumstances. I have four but had difficult pregnancies each time ( preeclampsia) and so would seriously consider looking into adoption instead of pregnancy if (big if) we decided to have any more.

I don't know much about surrogacy at all but I cant imagine anyone would see you as less of a mother.

I was going to respond lightly, saying we should swap as I had a lovely straightforward pregnancy and birth, and really struggled with the actual 'baby' side of it.

However reading your post, I'm really sorry your mum is being a bitch. You sound like you are working really hard to look at all options, and I applaud you for being careful. You sound like a good mum for thinking about what is best for yourself, husband and child. Unlike your mother.....

Oh for fucks sake "less of a mother" lovely. Tell all the mothers of adopted children that.

Being a mother is so much more than just carrying him/ her. I think thats pretty obvious. I hate pregnancy (and I havent had anywhere close to the awful experience you describe) but I adore my dc and I know Im a great mother. If my mothering was judged on how I handle pregnancy however, I'd completely fail - hands down. I hate it, develop depression, moan constantly. (am currently 28 weeks with number 3 ). Its simply a means to an end to me - a way of getting the child here - who will be adored and well taken care of. Simple as.

You arent unreasonable at all. I probably would have another dc (in time) if I didnt have to be pregnant but know that its completely out of the question because honestly, I am never, ever doing this again(and I really dont have the same valid excuses that you have, you poor thing, I have relatively straight forward pregnancies and births (so far), thankfully).

Your mother is completely out of order. How horrible to say that to you. Hope your ok.

I considered surrogacy, as have many of the people I know who have cervical/ reproductive cancer. It is very hard to hear that someone considers that method of reproduction as a 'cop-out', as for many women it is simply the only way that they will ever be able to have a child that is genetically 'theirs' (obviously adoption is another option open to them too).

Your mum is very short sighted and offensive IMO.

I had two nightmare births, and gestational diabetes like you. I'd love three, but DH and I have agreed that if we want another we'll investigate adoption even if that means waiting for an older child.

It's your life and a personal decision for you and your partner. I can't discuss any of this stuff with my mother either, she can only see her point of view and it can be hurtful.

The thing is, my mum is normally very open minded, and accepting of most things considered not the norm as it were.
So i really wasn't expecting this to be her reaction.

I am ok, just a bit sad that she doesn't seem to understand how much of a horrific time i had, when i phoned her about 10days after i had DC, i got a bit teary and upset, she said " have you got the baby blues?" i said, maybe a little, and then she told me she didn't want to hear from me until i got myself together again.
I don't get it really, i know she had very easy births, but shes not stupid, many of her friends have had bad pregnancies etc, but never talked badly of them.

I feel like she just expects me to get on with it, whatever it is, and not complain, because she never moaned.

Absolutely, totally get this. And my pregnancies have been relatively straightforward. But oh, to have those newborn moments again...

DH and I do want another but want to foster first and then, possibly, adopt. When the moment's right. I've taught in the past and have felt such affection and enthusiasm for children who are not biologically mine I know I could love an adopted son or daughter. When we've discussed this with our remaining parents there have been eyes looking skyward and 'oh really' expressions.

You are DEFINATELY not being unreasonable. My sister has had 2 children and would absolutely LOVE another one, but she had SPD with both of them, and it was much much worse with her 2nd, she reckons if she had another baby she would end up in a wheelchair for a while if not forever! She struggles loads with her SPD now though, she finds it really hard even doing the hoovering up!

I've felt the 'less of a mother' rubbish the other way round. I had PND after DS1 and although I felt an absolute duty to protect him, come what may, I did not love him. Then my best friend died suddenly and that made it worse. Eventually, months later I slowly began to get that lovely warm feeling when I held him. It took a long time. I couldn't admit it to anyone, not even DH.

Well your mother is just charming!

solooovely, you are more polite than my DH.

What are chances of you experiencing the same problems again??

I feel quite annoyed on your behalf.

YANBU at all. I do not have bad pgs compared to what you have been through, but I hate being pg. I am currently 22 weeks with no.3, and definite last baby. I could not put my body through this again. If someone had offered me a DC£ without the pregnancy I would have bitten their hand off.

And as for your Mother, what a pile of crap she talks,

Wow, YANBU at all. Poor you :(

coccyx, my consultant said that because the SPD has not resolved itself, i will get worse with another pregnancy.
If it goes, he said that i am still a high risk for it returning and it is highly possible that it wouldn't go away, and i could end up worse than i am now.
To give you an idea of what the spd was like, i had to be in cruches at 24wks gone, signed off sick at 26 wks, confined to the downstairs as i couldn't get up more than 2 steps and had to wash myself at the kitchen sink every day and sleep on the sofa bed.
32 weeks i was admitted to hospital because i could no longer go to the toilet properly or walk and had a catheter, i didn't take one step from 33 weeks and was taken to the hospital showers by my mil in a special chair to have a shower.
I started bleeding and they tried to examine me, but they couldn't do it without an epidural, it was the worst pain i have ever endured.
Then at 39 weeks i had a section.
I also couldn't sleep as any position i was in accept on side with a pillow inbetween my knees was horrendus, but got sores from lying in the same position.

It did get better after i had DC, but not gone altogether, i still can not walk to far, 1 mile with discomfort, anymore and i start to cry from the pain.
I am currently being refered to an Orthopaedic surgeon because the treatment i have recieved up to date isn't working.
I am on strong painkillers, sometimes morphine and can not this year have anymore X-rays because ive gone to the limit measuring the space between my pubis, and checking my sacroiliac joints.

YANBU. You poor thing, your first pregnancy sounds like it was horrible.

Regardless of whether you go on to think about a second child, whether by using a surrogate or not, I hope they can help with the pain a bit. I know all too well how shit it is.

My hip also clicks with each step i take, its so loud i scare people sometimes!

Is it not possble to pre-empt a lot of what you fear and face it head on? Whilst the physical side may be the same, there is no need for the mental side of it to be the same. You will have a lot more support second time around and there may be things you can be prescribed to head off any mental illness.

How about chatting to your GP about it to get better informed before making a decision not to have the child yourself?

Thankyou ohboob, the pain isn't too bad at the moment, i know my limits, but when i try to explain to other people why i can't do this and that, or that i have to get the bus to work even though its only 2 miles walk all i meet is eyes rolling, or sympathetic sounds, but they still don't get it and ask me to go get such and such from upstairs for the millionth time.
Even my DH who is very understanding sometimes forgets and asks me how can i be tired even though ive not done much, pain makes me sleepy, i can't help it.

Its nice to know im not the only one who has experienced this though.

OTT, your SPD sounds awful, no wonder you don't want to have another pregnancy.

I hated being pregnant, I got bad sciatica, and with DS2 I couldn't walk for weeks, was bed bound.

You're mam is being ridiculous! If surrogacy is the way you want to go for another DC, then that is your choice, not hers.

Fabby chic, the pyhsical side was not pleasant at all, i truely wouldn't want to go through that again.
It heavily contributed to my depression.
I also have a history of MH problems, and see my GP regularly, i have no problem with being supervised to see if my MH is deteriorating.
I do not have a lot of support here, i don't live near my family which would help, ie, aunts, sisters etc
I struggle daily already tbh, and if you didn't read my post just now, there is an almost certain possibility of ending up worse than i am now.
That means in a wheelchair, forever.

I'm so sorry, you have clearly thought this through. Why not consider just stopping at one and giving them all the love and attention you can?

Would it not be nigh on impossible to take care of two children if you are phsyically sick and that could get worse?

You are not being unreasonable. And you are not selfish. Sounds like you had a horrendous time, I'm not surprised you feel this way, to be honest. As for your mother, 'charming' is one word that springs to mind. Don't listen to her. You are NOT pathetic.