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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dds birthday money and exp

42 replies

tomhardyismydh · 09/03/2011 13:14

dd wants a ds, she agreed to save birthday money and her dad would put some towards it. so about £40 quid of her money and £40 of his.

anyway he offered to buy it and bring it on her birthday, today, this confused her i,e im not giving daddy my money i want to buy it myself...so we agreed she wont have it on birthday but he will take her at the weekend and she will buy it at the weekend. all part of the enjoyment in saving your own money in my opinion. dd happy tp wait and excited about doing this at wkend.

he called last night and has bought it...dd a bit put out but o.k realy...now would it bvu of me to not offer the money up and assume he has bought it for her? Grin dd is 55 btw

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tomhardyismydh · 09/03/2011 13:15

55? no she is 5

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 09/03/2011 13:20

Did you explain to her dad that she was saving and wamted to take her money and buy it?

If you did, then I would probably assume that he has decided to buy it for her instead - and I honestly mean that, not trying to be picky with her dad.

Maybe see what he says when he comes, if he asks for the money you can talk to him then about why he went out and bought it then, despite what you had discussed.

I am still with my DP, and very new to motherhood, but we have had the discussion about making decisions together, and not going back on the decision without talking to the other first. If he has gone back on what you agreed, then I would be a little bit peeved - not angry but peeved enough to try and discuss it with him and reinforce the boundaries around joint decisions.

bossyboop · 09/03/2011 13:24

You could certainly ask him what he thinks about that and maybe he could take her to choose a game for it with her own money. That way he gets all the glory for buying it but also gets the chance to take her shopping to choose a game and she gets the ds she wanted and the shopping trip. I know I would be annoyed if it was something that was already agreed and my dd was looking forward to it but if it meant she would be better off because she could keep her money for something else then I wouldnt mind as much - after all its bought now anyway. I guess it comes down to what he can afford or what he was willing to spend and I guess the best way to find that out is to ask him!

tomhardyismydh · 09/03/2011 13:26

we did discuss and he agreed to wait and take her. i try not get too pushy about arrangements between the both of hem, although i do need to sometimes make clear to him her wishes.

im sure she will be greatfull, but i realy think he should have waited and im tempted to not offer her money up unless he has the brass neck to ask

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bossyboop · 09/03/2011 13:30

Did he get her the colour she wanted?

tomhardyismydh · 09/03/2011 13:32

luckily she had not specfied a colour no doubt itll b pink or white where as given choice shed go green or purple i think

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Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 13:34

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bossyboop · 09/03/2011 13:36

that's also a good point then for her not paying towards it if it's not the colour she would have chose

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 13:38

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tomhardyismydh · 09/03/2011 13:45

she opened a present this morning plus cards from relies with money towards ds, and about 30+ presents on sunday from her party.

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 09/03/2011 13:46

Magic - can see your point, but the OP and her ex had already discussed that her daughter wanted to buy it adn agreed that is what they would do. Surely its just normal mannaers and respect to talk to someone before going against what you had both agreed?

curlymama · 09/03/2011 13:46

This is the sort of thing that would piss me right off. If he wanted a physical present to give to her then he should pay the full amount, and say so upfront instaed of agreeing one thing and doing another. I doubt he meant any harm, but he probably can't see that it could be dissapointing and unsettling for his dd.

The problem is not that he bought the thing, it's the fact that you will have been there talking to dd about saving, told her that you had actually spoken to her Daddy and made an agreement, and then he comes along and pisses all over it.

So the message dd gets is that the two people that are most important to her, talk about her, about something very important to her, they appear at first to agree and be saying the same thing, but then it doesn't work out like that. And Mummy has said something about Daddy that's not true.

The message she needs to be getting from both of her parents is that they can talk about her and agree on important things, that they will support eachother, and both of them agree what is best for her. Otherwise it is just confusing and unsettling for her. She needs to be able to believe her parents when they say things about the other.

Ok, I'm ranting a little now, can you tell I have had simelar things to deal with in the past? Grin I've had to emphasise to me ex that we both have to appear to be working together for the sake of the dc, and now that we do that it's much better. There was a phase where ds1 especially, would try and play us of against eachother. But when we started working together more, and supporting the other even if we don't completely agree with what the other has done, the dc have felt much more secure.

diddl · 09/03/2011 13:48

I wouldn´t offer up the money.

Isn´t the "deal" with using your money that you get to go out & choose?

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 13:53

Unless he intends to pay for it entirely then he is being mean & thoughtless. If he's paying for it and she still has her money to spend as she chooses then it's not soooo bad - but even so, he should have talked to her about it as she's 'saving' towards it and she should have been able to go shopping for it and choose the colour as she wanted to.

If he wanted a gift to wrap up and suprise her, he should have chosen something else.

If when he turns up with it DD is upset or it's not the colour she wants etc I would tell him to take it back, get his money back and do as he had agreed with DD.

He needs to learn that what he agrees with her/you is what stands - not whatever he decides afterwards (this is about so much more than a DS).

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 13:53

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whiskersonkittens · 09/03/2011 13:54

i certainly would not offer the money - maybe he wanted to give her the extra surprise of having bought it for her, and did not think how it might appear? (Yes i know but my dp is a bit 'blind' on that sort of thing)

She can use the money she has saved for games and things - they cost a fair amount, and she still gets the pleasure of choosing.

bossyboop · 09/03/2011 13:55

I would want to choose (mine is black Blush though only because it was the best deal going but really would have liked a red one!)

Plumm · 09/03/2011 13:56

Have you asked him if he expects the money for it? If he does then point out that she wanted to go out and buy it herself as it was money she had saved up.

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 13:56

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Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 13:57

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tomhardyismydh · 09/03/2011 14:03

magic it was discussed by me and exp about her having a ds, was not the ony way she could get one but he offered to pay £40. the part about when how and where was discussion between all of us mainly her and him but i think she expressed her wishes he should not go back on his word, unless he has decided to buy it.

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Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 14:07

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curlymama · 09/03/2011 14:09

Magic, I can see your point, but your sample AIBU abouve is irrelevant because the fact that an agreement was made is whats important here. If he didn't want to take her out and pay half while letting her pay half, he shouldn't have let his 5yo believe that he did. He had the opportunity to say no, he didn't take it.

My oldest is 11, my ex and I still talk about what birthday?Christmas presents we are each going to but so that they don't end up with two of the same thing. We talk about what each of the Grannies wants to get, so the dc get what they would like, and none of us waste our money buying something that can easily be swopped between houses. It's not interfering in the other parents relationship, it's just good communication!

TheSkiingGardener · 09/03/2011 14:11

There seems to be something on your shoulder Magicjamas, ooh it's a chip!

The question here is really about XP agreeing something and then doing something else, which is not reasonable, especially if the child involved will be disappointed in some way.

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 14:11

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