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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK, so how do I know who to speak too?

34 replies

KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 10:57

I dont really know how much to say on here, its not really my business to give details.

I have a very close friend who is at absolute breaking point, shes a mess. She hardly weighs anything, never eats, shes always tired, she just starts crying randomly. the other day she went to the toilet and was gone ages, i went and opened to the toilet door and she was just staring at her reflection crying. she has children, but she dousnt enjoy them everythings too much effort.

I dont know how to help her, sometimes she barely speaks and i have to just turn up at her house and knock until she opens the door. shes very close to her children and she looks after them very well, they are always cuddleing and shes always praising them. But shes a ghost of the person she used to be, she seems deeply unhappy, I dont know what to do. its like shes not there, she just exists. its heart breaking and no way to live... I just dont know what to do for her

OP posts:
ImeldaM · 08/03/2011 11:02

I had this last winter with one of my friends, very concerned about her. We have a fantastic health visitor who is really easy to talk to (friend has young children) so I spoke to her about it. I thought she would be able to 'check on' friend and offer support in a low key way. Another of her (closer) friends encouraged her to see her GP, which she did.

Would try to encourage her to see GP about possible depression

BeerTricksPotter · 08/03/2011 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:08

i have tried speaking to her but she never really answers me about it. she just says things like, yes i know, maybe tomorrow things will be different, or il have a drink and then i might feel better. (when i say drink i dont mean alcohol)

its quite scary, id welcome her to explode and let it all out but she just seems lifeless and empty. i have tried getting her out of the house for an evening just in town for a drink but she looks so tired and asks to go home. if a man approaches her shes convinced ite because he thinks she looks easy (shes not). then she makes less effort with her appearance to avoid attention, she says she hates the way she looks and wants to dissapear.

the last statement really scares me, i know she would never kill or hurt herself but it seems like shes waiting to die.

I really dont want to lose her

OP posts:
TryingVeryHard · 08/03/2011 11:08

Sounds a lot like depression to me, you are right to be worried and want to do something to her
Totally agree with the first two posts, you should talk to her and encourage her to see her GP
Definitely worth insisting, you may be able to prevent a tragedy!

TryingVeryHard · 08/03/2011 11:09

Doh - I meant "to do something to HELP her"!

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:10

i had suspected that was what you really meant lol

imelda- what happened in the end to your friend?

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 08/03/2011 11:13

I would go to her GP and tell him/her about your friend.

The doctor won't be able to make any comment about past history etc but will certainly listen to what you say and will act on it.

You have to do to her what you'd want someone to do for you in that situation. She sounds terribly depressed.

ImeldaM · 08/03/2011 11:15

She did go to GP, had been on antidepressants in past so realised she needed to be back on them. Does she have other friends that can encourage her to see GP too? The more people that are encouraging, more likely to take that step.

With my friend, I just made sure that I was in touch as much as possible, encouraging her to be open & to talk, esp when kids at school, if possible, that kind of thing.

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:22

Do your best to get her to the doctor. If you see the doctor on your own he might send in the community crisis team who if she will not agree to see a doctor, may section her. You would be better being honest and saying to her that if she will not go to her gp, then you will have to, or as another poster suggested, if she is still in contact with hv's get in contact with them.

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:22

she hasnt even got a gp. she moved and didnt tell them. she has never had a smear and i nagged her for ages and she finally mustered the energy (thats really what it seems like) and went to her doc, they told her they had written to her old address to check she still lived there and as she didnt reply they took her off their list. they wont see her as she now lives out of area. i had hoped that while she was at the doc for her smear (and it took nearly 6 months to get her to agree to even go to the docs to book the appointment). now they have refused to see her she seems to have given up, she wont sign up with another docs, its like 10 steps backwards.

she was on anti ds before but they had very strange affects on her, her legs used to collapse beneath her and she had to be carried down stairs each morning as she couldnt carry her weight. she had frequent falls, which were awful to watch. i remember her eldest crying when mummy fell down and couldnt get up again without help (luckily i was there to help)

understandably she dousnt want to go through that again, she also seems to think the docs are against her. she told me the other day she feels like shes dieing inside. ive seen seriously mentally ill people before, but this is comletly differnt

OP posts:
Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:24

they might section her? what for? thats the awful thing, shes not doing anything wrong as such. theres no hallucinations of whatever she just seems empty. what could they section her for? (sorry if that sounds arsy, im just trying to work out whats actually wrong her if you know what i mean)

OP posts:
ladysybil · 08/03/2011 11:26

are you related to her at all? speak to your own doctor? or family worker in her kids school might be able to point you in the right direction? has she got a partner? or parents?

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:29

Do the children have a gp. You may have to make the decision whether or not to speak to proffessional srevices, ss or mental health. Does she have someone to help look after the children, if she is sectioned.

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:31

no we used to be very very close. then she started cutting herself off from all her friends. i sort of forced myself on her...

she has a partner but they are like ships in the night, he burys his head in the sand, as long as dinners ready and shes not moaning to much hes happy.

i could ask my doctor, but i cant force her to see one. and the doc isnt going to come out to see a grown woman who dousnt want to be seen are they? i have enough trouble getting my own dos to see me! i believe my last appointment lasted less than 5 mins. not good.

i am reluctant to tell the school, it might look badly on her and if she finds out ive broken her trust i think it might make her worse. she has no friends, if im gone too i worry what might happen

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:32

If she refuses help but clearly needs it, then they could admit her for assessment. This will not happen if she will agree to being seen by a doctor. To some this may seem harsh but the alternative can be a complete breakdown and suicide. All this is nothing to fear, everyone is going to be working to get your friend on the right track and keep her family together.

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:34

The doctor will call in the community crisis team and ss, he has got to under child protection guidelines. i am just making you aware so that you are prepared. I work in mental health and have cp training. The best thing that you can do is sharp talk her to get a gp. You could find out what doctors are taking on patients for her.

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:35

she has her partner or her parents but i know her parents and they would relish her being sectioned or proof of her inadequacies.

she has a very long history of basically being fucked over by pretty much everyone from a young age, drug addicted mother, father who a paedophile and abused her best friend etc...step father who kidnapped and abducted her. she used to clean up the blood from all over her house when he attacked her mum at the age of 10. im quite surprised shes even alive, although barely

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:35

The school will also call in ss for the same reasons, as the mental health of a parent flags up a cp call.

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:36

You need to get her partner on board, your friend deserves, as everyone does, good mental health, as i said, everyone who will see her, has that goal in mind.

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:37

birdsgottafly i never knew that, so every mum that goes to the doc and gets put on anti anxiety or anti ds has the school and cp involved?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 08/03/2011 11:44

i dont think so knitted - but it would depend on the circumstances

in this case tho it might be in the chidlrens ebst interests that the mother gets the support she needs

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2011 11:44

No not if you go to the doctor voluntary. It is noted on the gp files, information is on a need to know basis so it depends on the severity of the depression. Your friend does not have just anxiety. If someone speaks to a gp or the school on someone's behalf with children, that flags up a possible cp concern. In your friend case what would worry them is her unwillingness to sign up with a gp and some of the things that you are saying, but only because they want to help her get to a better place.

Vallhala · 08/03/2011 11:46

KnittedBeast, I had a step-sister with what appears to be similar symptoms. She was severly depressed and anorexic/bulimic and, in her case, self-harming and suicidal too. She was under her GP but didn't tell him the half of it. Didn't admit to the self-harming, suicidal thoughts and attempts or to the eating disorder (which she'd suffered from for years, and admitted to me was ongoing, this is not just my assessment of her, btw).

I didn't tell her GP all or call in SS because she threatened to harm herself if I did. Her fear that she would lose her child, the only thing that kept her from ending it all. It was a hellish time and to cut a very long story short, we are no longer in touch because her behaviour became increasingly more erratic and hard to deal with and AFAIK she is still having huge problems although she's probably under a GP properly now otherwise she wouldn't still be alive.

I'm telling you this because my biggest regret and shame, looking back, is that I didn't call in SS and that I didn't speak to her DDs school and her GP when I should have - she was putting her DD at risk with fainting due to not eating, having heart problems while driving and so on.

From the sound of it your friend is not in a fit mental state to make judgement - someone maybe needs to act instead. I know how bloody hard it is and I'm not telling you what to do, just asking you to think about it.

Poor woman... :(

Original poster
KnittedBreast · 08/03/2011 11:55

thanks for all the advice. im going to frog march her to her local docs and sit with her once she fills out the forms and then watch while she makes an appointment.

im really surprised that cp are so easily involved to be honest. I think people should know that the info given to your doctor can be used against you.

valhalla, you probebly know my opinions on ss, they arent very high. i just want to help her build up again. get the basics right and try and get her the rest of her sorted but shes gone so far im not sure its even possible. its like shes given up on life.

i think i might ring a mental health charity of something and ask their advice. i just want to know whats wrong with her, she dousnt seem to have an eating disorder as she lvoes food, more that she seems so fucked up that her body stress is eating away at all the calories, like survival mode and so she dousnt put on weight.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 08/03/2011 12:02

KB, don't assume that the status quo will just continue. Your friend sounds very ill and distressed from your posts. She may have been like this for a while but she could deteriorate suddenly (I speak from experience), and if so, possibly become a danger to herself or even her DC. They must anyway be experiencing quite high levels of distress to see their mother like this. Please do try and get her to see a doctor, and MIND or SANE are very good sources of support too.