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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed at this?

66 replies

Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 13:46

I'm 6 weeks pg with my second DC. So, very early days. DH and I decided not to say anything to our families. I've told a couple of friends as I feel so grim I needed someone else to sympathise with me (DH was fine with this BTW).

Anyways, we went out with his siblings on sat night, and my not drinking was noted unsurprisingly. His brother said outright "so how many weeks are you?" !!!!! I was quite shocked and sort of spluttered a "what?!". He then told the other brother. When I was in the loo he asked DH, who said that we were trying but nothing was confirmed so we had nothing to announce.

This morning I got an email from MIL, and at the end it said rumour has it you're expecting, is this true?

Now, we spent the weekend at her house, so surely if we'd wanted to tell her, we would have? We didn't, so we don't. I know BIL will have said something to her, and DH seems to think she thinks we've announced it and not told her.

I'm really quite annoyed! Surely a grown woman should understand that if we haven't offered the information to her, then there is a reason for this, and it's up to us when we tell her formally? I didn't want to tell her as then I have to tell my mum, who really couldn't deal with me having a MC, which is unfortunately a real possibility at this early stage.

Do I feel like this just because I feel horribly sick and I'm knackered, or am I justified????

OP posts:
upahill · 07/03/2011 15:08

I totally agree verytelly!!
Bloody stupid OP, of course they are excited and what if word gets out that you are happy blabbing to mates but equally happy lying and excluding your family from sharing good news.

Nice of your DH to lie to his brother as well when you are in fact 6 weeks pregnant. They are going to know that you are a liar as well with your dates if you don't say something soon.

Crazy!

upahill · 07/03/2011 15:09

Cross posted
but now you are caught up in a lie!

thumbwitch · 07/03/2011 15:11

I think it is almost standard that if you see someone not drinking alcohol (who usually does) to ask if they are pg. There is no thought given at that stage to whether or not the person involved might not want to say, just in case; they are just auto-programmed to go "Oh, not drinking, not pg are you?" and when they get a shifty response, they will assume you are.

So then they carry the rumour back to their mum, who no doubt will be excited about a new grandchild, so her first reaction is to make sure it's true before she gets excited about it.

When I was pg, DH had to go back to Australia for his graduation ceremony. I told him not to tell his mum just yet - but he is useless at keeping stuff quite so he told her, and she told EVERYONE she knew, despite me being only about 7w pg at the time and not wanting people to know. Thankfully she WAS in Australia so it didn't permeate back to my family - I told them when I was 10w and had had the first scan. I was cross - but mostly because I didn't want to deal with any of the stuff that accompanies a MC, and I was scared I might MC, being so old.

I had friends who I went out with for lunch - they had wine, I had hot chocolate. They immediately asked if I were pg, I said "No, I'm driving". I was miffed that they "made" me lie by asking before I had felt ablt to tell them; before I had had my scan etc.

gemma4d · 07/03/2011 15:11

hmm... I think YANBU but nor is MIL. So many people don't get the whole miscarriage thing. I told work friends before family for simplicity (eg so they were understanding about me running to loo mid conversation!) but always emphasised that I was preg AT THAT MOMENT and nothing was sure till 12 wks. Ended up telling everyone that in the end ... so much easier when MIL isn't complaining your not eating etc!

Pagwatch · 07/03/2011 15:12

I think you are being a bit over sensitive and defensive.
You don't know how idiot BIL may have told your MIL. He may have to,d her as if everyone except her knows. He sounds insensitive enough.

She may be delighted for you, or feeling hurt that you 'told' bil but not her or half a dozen other thing. She probably just wants to know the good news and is excited for you and at the whole prospect if being a grandmother.

If you dc was going to have a child and didn't tell you while seeminglybtelling others, wouldn't you want to know?

I can understand wanting to keep it quiet. But the person out of line here was your BIL not your MIL.

Original poster
Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 15:14

I'm really not at all worried about being accused of "lying" by DH's family. I, or rather we, have our reasons for keeping quiet. upahill do you really think I'm going to lie about my dates????? When the time comes to tell them, I'll be completely honest about why it wasn't announced earlier. I'm not worried that they'll never trust me again!

And "happily blabbing to mates"?! I've told my BF and one other friend I see several times a week. Not everyone turns to their family for support. For me my friends are my support network.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/03/2011 15:16

Well I think that you can´t blame MIL for wanting to know for sure-she´ll obviously be excited.

I get why BIL might say something but I don´t get why if your husband said you are TTC, MIL is asking are you pregnant.

Magicjamas · 07/03/2011 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ThisFeelsWeird · 07/03/2011 15:18

I would feel exactly the same and I'd be stomping my foot and weeping into my pillow about now.... if I hadn't already told my friends that it. OP, you really can't tell some people and not others that's not fair. I would be quite hurt if I was your MIL and I knew you'd shared the impending birth of my grandchild with all and sundry bar me.

But on the matter of hounding people to reveal their baby news... I have often guessed that someone might be pregnant but I have never outrightly asked them about it as I presume they will tell once they are past 12 weeks and ready to share the news. Why try to spoil someone's special moment and also put them in the position of making an early pregnancy public? We all know how very common MC is and how awful it is when people have to go round untelling their happy news.

upahill · 07/03/2011 15:19

Well the fact of the matter is that you have been asked if you are pregnant and indeed you are.

I understand the reasons you have said but I think you may as well bite the bullet and admit it now. It stops all the skulking round and doing your best to avoid being asked.

Let the family be happy with you and support you.

Original poster
Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 15:20

Ok, I can see both sides (that's the whole point of an AIBU thread I suppose!), but what do I do about my mum? If I tell one, I have to tell both. And then if it goes wrong, it'll be horrid. How do I resolve that? I'm genuinely asking for advice on that.

OP posts:
missmehalia · 07/03/2011 15:21

I don't blame you one bit for trying to keep it quiet but the cat's out the bag, really. Too late to suggest not telling anyone at all, and just lay low (tell everyone you're poorly, etc).

I don't think YABU, I know how it feels to be protective of yourself in that situation. But it's too late, other people do treat news like that as stuff to be spread around, which in a way you may feel puts pressure on you.

You could always say, yes but very early days, and the time to break out the champagne and make a fuss definitely won't be til after the scan.

I think everyone gets so caught up in the excitement that they forget how you may be feeling.

Original poster
Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 15:22

How has it become "all and sundry" I've told? I've told two close friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll also need to tell my manager so I can get time off for my scan. Is that wrong too????

OP posts:
upahill · 07/03/2011 15:22

I forgot to see congratulations and hope it goes well for you!!

Tell your mum. I know that you said she would struggle but she will be there to support you if things (hopefully NOT) go wrong.

missmehalia · 07/03/2011 15:23

Just don't lie to either of the mums, these things cause huge arguments that will put more strain on you. Get DH to deal with both of them, tell them together to avoid one being narked about being the second one to know.

He should also just tell them to not make a fuss til much later on, as it will just pressurize you in a number of ways, and you're feeling like death right now. They should put you FIRST, not their new Granny status.

Pagwatch · 07/03/2011 15:26

Tbh I think once it is out if the bag as it were, you can't put it back.

If it were me I would sit mil down and sit mum down and explain exactly what you have explained here. You can then ask them to respect that this will not be announced until post 12/16 weeks -whenever you chose.

Once you have chosen or been obliged to tell a few people then you can't undo that without upsetting some people.

And tbh if something did go wrong it will be horrid anyway. You mil and mum knowing isn't goi g to make that worse or better is it?

Original poster
Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 15:26

upahill that really is easier said than done. She has mental health problems and finds everyday life hard to cope with, so I will sheild her from that kind of thing as much as I possibly can. I think that is a bloody good reason to keep family out of the equation for now. Thanks for the congrats though, much appreciated Smile

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 07/03/2011 15:28

YANBU just because you have been asked if you are pg, doesnt mean you have to confirm it, its not a lie detector test. and its no one else business, and anyone with a bit of sensetivity would wait until you are ready to annouce it

they sound like knobbers

Original poster
Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 15:29

Pagwatch my mum knowing and me MC would make things alot harder, believe me! I was pg when we saw her for her for her 60th bday and it would have made her decade but as I was on;y 8 weeks at the time I kept quiet. This isn't just an excuse I've cooked up!

OP posts:
upahill · 07/03/2011 15:29

Sorry about your mum Sad

diddl · 07/03/2011 15:29

I think the fact that you have already told friends weakens your stance, though.

And re the "lying"-you could always say you thought you might be but wanted to wait until it was confirmed.

I didn´t tell anyone until 16wks.

Luckily, I wasn´t known to be a drinkerWink

Original poster
Icoulddoitbetter · 07/03/2011 15:33

Ok DS has woken up so won't be back till later. Thanks for the perspectives ladies.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 07/03/2011 15:34

I never accused you of cooking up an excuse.

I am not clear why your mother knowing would make it harder or what the significance of her 60th birthday is but I am obviously missing something.

I have tried to respond to what you have asked but you seem to want different answers so I shall congratulate you and withdraw.

RevoltingPeasant · 07/03/2011 15:35

OP, I'd admit it to your MIL (and BIL) but in a passive aggressive way which makes them keep it to themselves. E.g,

'Well, yes, I think I might be expecting. However I hadn't wanted to tell anyone because if I am right, it is very early days and I am worried about the risk of MC. If I do MC, this is going to have a very negative impact on my mother's mental health. That's why I'd really hoped to be able to choose my own time to make the announcement. But since you do know, I trust you will keep it to yourselves to prevent it getting back to my mum before I am ready for her and others to know.'

So you are not 'lying' but you are also making them understand that they should keep their traps shut in future!

ALSO YANBU, I knew my SIL was pg for weeks before she announced it but I figured it was her business....

curlymama · 07/03/2011 15:35

YANBU, you shouldn't have to tell anyone until you are ready, and your BIL and MIL should respect that and keep their noses out of it.

I wouldn't tell her until after you have told your own Mum after she has been so nosy.

And if you choose to tell your friends first, that is up to you. What with it being your body and your baby and all. Nobody has a right to know before anyone else.