AIBU about my daughter

[Gemsy83]

She is 8 years of age, a lovely affectionate girl but common sense wise she is a nightmare. This morning I had to go on at her about everything, socks, brushing her teeth, can you bring your bookbag please etc? The last straw was as it was time to leave the book bag had just gotten 'lost'. I had a quick scout round in every room and couldnt find it. Have sinced look now shes at school and still cannot find it. Is it normal to be this infuriated by a childs couldnt care less lazy behaviour? Its not just this, many of her special toys/clothes etc are just chucked around and even the threat of taking them to the tip doesnt help her buck her dizzy little ideas up.

sounds like my oldest dd. i have concluded that it is her fundamental personality. she is now 16 and just as ditsy

Understandable to be infuriated.

But there are practical ways to reduce the messiness, and also your fury - get a large box/washing basket, and when you see things lying around or dumped out of place pick them up and put them in it. No matter how 'special' they are.

There's no reason why you should be putting away toys and clothing dumped by an 8 year old, and no reason why you should be made irritated by the mess she makes, either.

If she is looking for something she has abandoned, she can look for it in the box.

My mother did this with us when we were kids and I have copied it with mine :)

It works within a couple of weeks, and then you might need to start it up again when things get a bit lax.

No good ideas about the socks and teeth brushing, sorry.

Tell her one more time that she has until bedtime to put away the toys and clothes or they will go to the tip. She most likely won't do it. When she is at school tomorrow, bag the things up, taking care to get all her real favourites, then put them in the attic or at a friend's house. She will return and have a screaming fit but stick to your guns. Let her think they have gone if you like or tell her you require full compliance for a period of two weeks (teeth, socks etc) before she sees them again. Any one day where she doesn't comply means the two weeks start over. Put up a chart if you like. Find out how much the missing bag costs to replace and decide how much housework that is worth. Harsh, but you will be glad when it's done. Be prepared to ignore tears and screaming. Good luck!

I think you might be right. My best friends daughter who is 15 has the same type of personality 'Mum where's my phone?' (whilst shes talking on it) 'I cant find my keys' (has lost five sets) 'My PE kit is lost' (three days after having brand new kit bought worth £100). Just wondering if there are anyways it can be nipped in the bud before she drives me to despair.

Really good ideas thanks guys! My temper is boiling now and ive got work soon, not a good morning at all today!

Pretty normal in our house. When DD1 was in year 2 I made her (and DD2, who didn't want to be left out) a star chart for getting ready in the morning, as I was sick of her waking up each morning apparently quite ignorant of what she needed to do - she seemed particularly baffled by the concept of teeth cleaning, or even teeth. They both loved ticking off each item as they completed it (they would rush down from the bedroom to tick 'get dressed', then back up and down again for 'clean teeth'), and I never really had to bother about rewards, other than a sticker to put on the chart at the end of the week.

The chart fizzled out eventually, but it did get us over the hump and she's never been too bad since. Since she started secondary school (she's now in year 8), she's actually been pretty good; she packs her bag the night before and gets up in good time to get ready.

I agree that it is a personality thing. My eldest and youngest dd's are both ready to go with all their things with no telling. DD2 is always losing things and will be rushing around at the last minute to get something that she swore blind she had gotten ready the night before. She is 9. It drives me mental but I can see that it is just the way she is. Now when they are told to get their bags ready the night before I remind her that anything that isnt there and ready will be left behind the next day. She got into trouble 2 days running for not bringing in homework and a library book, and she is a lot better now. Occasionally I have to reinforce it, and she still has atleast one day a week where she goes without something, but she is improving. I find that school repercussions are far more effective than home ones. Mum having a go is just Mum, but teacher having a go is something else entirely! Perhaps you could threaten her with going in her slippers (and follow it through!) if she buggers about with socks etc?

Gemsy... Next time she misplaces something that would mean she misses out on something she really wants to do, don't help her. She needs to learn to take care of her stuff. Obviously pick something that isn't going to have serious implications, just some event that she will remember and learn from.

My dd was/is like this. I have no idea where this tendancy comes from but my mum says she does .

She's 13 now, and a bit better in terms of losing important things (fingers crossed anyway seeing as her school has just issued swipe cards for entry and will cost £5 to replace).

There have been lots of good suggestions on here but I just want to emphasise the importance of finding a constructive way of dealing with it. It's all too easy to end up constantly nagging/moaning about the state of her room/lost items. I felt like we had got so that all our communication was negative and it was souring our relationship and I had to make a conscious effort to put in place incentive things like tick charts, so I could relax and then enjoy her for the really lovely (if messy) child she is.

These days she doesn't get any pocket money until her room is tidy, so I know it will get done at least once a week!

Both my kids are like this. Nothing to do with common sense, just a lack of orgainsational skills and a belief that being organised is important. You have to teach kids to be organised and to manage time effectively.
They get their school stuff ready the night before as are awful in a morning.
Room gets tidied weekly for pocket money.

Haven't read all replies but wanted to post because I can emphathise with your DD as she sounds a lot like me. I am naturally very forgetful and very disorganised, to be organised and tidy is something that takes a real effort, whereas I can see that for some this is second nature (like my eldest daughter!). As a child my mother did everything for me and I'm sure this didn't help.

This might already have been suggested but try and it might help to find solutions together so that you don't get to the nagging and exasperated stage on your way out the door.

Eg - delegate a place that is always used to store the bookbag. When your daughter comes home, make it a routine that she hangs up her coat puts her shoes away, and puts the bookbag in the delegated area. It will take a while but if you are patient in reminding her it will become a habit eventually and soon you won't have to remind her. It will probably take her a lot longer to remember it than you think it should, though.

The same with toys and special things. Ensure she has enough storage to be able to have them tidy and so that everything has a place, and then perhaps make it part of her routine that you tidy up for 15 minutes before bed.

I'd advise against the nagging punishment of 'it'll all be chucked in the bin....etc etc' approach. I honestly don't think she's doing it on purpose so therefore it doesn't fair to me. Give her lots of praise and be very very patient. I would explain that everyone's lives will be better if she can make a real effort to become more responsible - especially hers.

It is something I still have to work on every single day

DrSuess that is cruel!

My DD is like this, it's her personality, just totally disorganised and always has been, but, she is getting better. I've tried leaving her to look after her own things (well within reason) and we've found that she's started remembering things on her own without me constantly going on about it. I was really pleased when she remembered her gym kit on the correct day

I was quite lucky with my sons because I simply didn't have the time or inclination to chase them up about simple stuff. By the time they were at secondary school I didn't have the money to replace casually lost items either.

My dsd was quite the opposite and stuff was constantly lost or mislaid. Purses were regularly left on buses, as was PE kit. Keys were lost and everything tended to be needed NOW. She got better as she grew up but tbh, if dp had been a little more ruthless about helping find things/ring bus companies/get yet more keys cut, I reckon she'd have bucked her ideas up very much earlier.

So YANBU to be irritated but do encourage practical ways to get her to be more responsible. Being ditsy is, in many people a lazy and indulgent way of getting other people to do the more boring things in life.

We've always had a shoe place, and a blazer place and a bookbag place, etc., and I have been merciless about things being ready the night before because I cannot deal with being late in the mornings. DS loses oysters, keys, phones, coats, trainers, kit, etc., dd doesn't and I've sometimes wondered if she takes more care because she has noted the trouble he gets in and because she hates being shouted at. The teeth issue is a different matter - I have nagged and nagged and nagged and every time I take the sweetie fiends to the dentist they are told they have perfect dental hygiene. I brush, I floss, I do circular movements and every time I go to the dentist I am told my oral hygience leaves much to be desired - not fair.

I'm with Misfitless - I was and am exactly the same, and have constant free floating anxiety because I can't find anything important ever. Threats never worked with me. Can you have a "tidy-up" day with her and make it fun? Then some sort of reward for keeping it tidy?

DrSeuss's method may be cruel but it worked when my parents did it to me. They were just fed up of me leaving everything out and ignoring their empty threats. One day those threats weren't so empty anymore, lesson learnt.

Dread to think what DD will be like when she gets to that age

I like tiktok's idea of the dumping basket though. That might work on me and DH now

I'm definitely going to do the dumping basket.

What's so cruel? I said to pretend the stuff was gone to the tip, not take it to the tip. She has to earn the right to priveledges, again, how is that cruel? Her mother earns what she has, I presume. She gets her stuff back when she learns a little self reliance. Would it be better to wait till she's older and losing stuff that actually matters? Would it be better to wait for her to be doing GCSEs and not remember she has an exam, as students of mine have done? Would her mother prefer her to lose three iphones, as one of the kids in my Y9 class did, though why they kept replacing them was a complete mystery to me? I'm not suggesting that her mother throw the child's prized possessions in the bin, I'm suggesting that she learn a little self reliance rather than turn into one of the spoon fed nappy wearers we have in our current Y11!

'What's so cruel? I said to pretend the stuff was gone to the tip, not take it to the tip'

..but that's the same to her if you don't tell her any different

Sound just like my 8 year old. However she's just been diagnosed as dyslexic (although has a reading age of 13 so wasn't an obvious diagnosis). The educational pyschologist said that forgetfulness and lack of organisational skills was typical of some dyslexic children.

We now have a place for everything and a little checklist every morning for all the things she has to do (teeth, brush hair, remember PE kit on Tuesdays's etc.) We also go through things the night before and get everything ready and leave it by the door. For her room, we have a checklist and again she goes through each one - pick up dirty laundry, put laundry in laundry in bin, put books on book shelf etc. etc. Faced with a messy room, she doesn't know where to start (I know that feeling!)

Just knowing there's a reason for her behaviour means I'm a lot more patient and just concentrate on trying to give her the skills to make her a bit more independent and organised.

Could be different for your child, but some of the techniques we're using may still work!

Yes, that's kind of the point. If she feels it's just an empty threat, why will she try to do any better? Would love to debate with you further but it's time for me to go and apply DS's electrodes for his nightly Electric Shock Therapy. He won't forget to take the bins out again, that's for sure!

SmileyMylee, what made you have your daughter assessed for dyslexia, even with her good reading skills? My ds (8) sounds like the ops daughter. He does read very well but his writing is poor. His sister (16) is dyslexic and I suspect dh has mild tendencies. I would be interested to hear your experience.

I'll second all this dyslexia talk and being disorganised. Whilst I was doing my degree they urged us to get assessed if we suspected we had a learning dificulty. I wasn't diagnosed as dyslexic but I was identified as having another specific learning difficulty. There is a link in my experience too.

DrS I'm with you here. I didn't learn to be organised until it wasn't an empty threat any more. My stuff was in the shed by the way.

I think the some dyslexic children is the key Smiley. In a lot of cases I suspect that forgetfulness and lack of organisational skills is typical of not having to learn any responsibility (certainly the case here, and in my nephews and, come to think of it, my boss's grownup kids). Star charts and to do lists are a great way of learning that responsibility, dyslexia or not. Or maybe I do have a learning difficulty that I didn't know about