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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a little support from family?

44 replies

DosieRosie · 05/03/2011 20:39

Hi there,

I am due my 3rd baby this summer. My sister is due her 1st baby about a month and a half before me. Neither of us lives near each other or our parents. I have no family or extended family near by, either on my side or DH's side. I have not been living here long enough to have a support system in place with friends etc I am worried sick about what my childcare arrangements will be when I go into labour. I have aired my concerns to my mother and she didn't offer to help. However whenever I am on the phone with my mother she mentions her planned trip to my sisters at the time of due date, booking flights etc. Now don't get me wrong I appreciate that she'll want to see her grandchild and of course it's exciting, but I find her lack of concern for me very hard to stomach at the moment. For instance the other day I was telling her how my apt went with the doctor and she cut me off to tell me about her flight arrangements. We had some family issues before Christmas and I feel like I'm being punished. Am I being unreasonable to expect a little help? I never ask for much from them. For my last pregnancy DH's family looked after dd1 when I was in labour as we lived near them at that time.

Thanks for listening
DR

OP posts:

humanoctopus · 05/03/2011 20:56

I have been in a similar position when facing a birth without any support for us close by.

With regards to your arrangements for when you go into labour - I don't mean to sound hard, but worse case scenario - you get a taxi to the hospital, while your dh minds the other two children. Then you give birth with the support of the midwives (who I have experienced to be super if they realise that you will be birthing without anyone else). Then you go home and get on with it.

It will be hard on ye as a couple, worrying for your dh as he can't be with you, but you may have no other choice. Some people choose to have homebirths for this reason, ie, they want to stay together as a family, maybe this could be an option for you to explore?

Whatever happens, as far as I'm concerned, the day of the birth is just one day. Ye will have the rest of baby's life together thereafter.

Try not to let your familial lack of practical support ruin it for you.

Original poster

DosieRosie · 05/03/2011 21:04

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you were faced with a similar situation. A home birth is unfortunately not an option for us. Of course if it comes to it I will have to get in a taxi and go myself to the hospital. That idea makes me really sad even though it would mean my children were being well looked after. I appreciate though that GPs aren't obliged to help out, I am not looking for a cheap and regular babysitting facility though. My own mother relied on her mother a lot when we were growing up, I find it a pity that she doesn't appreciate that she needed help and I do too.

OP posts:

Hermya321 · 05/03/2011 22:14

Have you spoken to her about this at all? Do you feel comfortable doing that?

If not, do you know any of your neighbours at all who would be willing to help out in a pinch? You say you haven't got a support network but there must be someone (say one of your childrens friends Mums) who you could approach. A lot of people will be more than willing to help out if asked.

Failing all that, how about a contacting a postnatel doula and talk to them about the possibility of them being at home whilst you're at the hospital or taking a doula with you yourself if your husband can't go.

smokingnuns · 05/03/2011 23:32

Families can be so hurtful sometimes . Mine is anyway - torture.

big HUG to you. Hope it gets sorted OP.

nectarina · 06/03/2011 07:33

Maybe you should ask her outright if she could come and help out. That way you would be able to get everything out in the open and discuss all the issues.

bamboostalks · 06/03/2011 07:42

Are you able to access help from your in laws? Could they fly in?

Changing2011 · 06/03/2011 07:55

Its understandable your Mother wants to be there for your sister - its her first baby after all and thats a big thing!

I think there is some jealousy as you will not be the only miraculous bearer of children in your family anymore

You wanted another child, you knew support systems were not local, your sister is also far away, man up and get on with it.

Coralanne · 06/03/2011 08:08

As this is your 3rd DC, your mum, like a lot of other people, probably doesn't realise that you feel all the excitement and concerns that you felt with your first.

She's probably going to your sister because it is her first.

It's a fact of life that as you have more DC's, you have less visitors, help, flowers, gifts etc. People become a litle blase about you having babies.

I often used to be amazed that my DM got so excited everytime a new grandchild was born.

She is still the same now she is having GGC, and GGGC.

My DD had her 5th almost two weeks ago and I was just as excited as when her first was born. I took time off work to mind the other 4 and we had a wonderful if tiring time.

Just ask your mum if she could possibly come to stay with you for the birth. If finances are a problem, perhaps you could offer to pay for her travelling expenses.

I also think that it is important for you and DH to be able to bond with the new baby knowing that the other DC are being looked after.

Hope everthing works out for you and congratulations on your new baby.

Georgimama · 06/03/2011 08:21

The usual MN mantra on help with children from extended families is that you are not unreasonable to want it, but you are unreasonable to expect it.

If you need/want something from someone, sometimes you have to make it clear. Tell your mum you need her - then it's up to her.

My father was only at the birth of their eldest child because they always moved around the country, lived miles from family and didn't have much of a support network in place so when DC2 and DC3 (that's me!) came along mum had to go it alone - well, in the hospital with the midwives, obviously. Worst case scenario you will have to do the same.

Changing2011 · 06/03/2011 08:22

GeorgieMamma, you always put things so well!

Honeybee79 · 06/03/2011 08:26

Can you just ask her outright if she would be able to help?

Becaroooo · 06/03/2011 08:32

My mum booked a holiday - after reassuring me she would be around to help me after the birth (I have a chronic health condition) - a week after I was due my first child - her first grandchild.

Her comment?

"You'd better make sure that baby is not late!"

I have never forgiven her.

She was going with my sister and BIL - who knew my due date too and booked it anyway.

sigh.

My PIL have been much more involved/helpful than my own parents tbh - which we badly needed as ds1 was born early and very poorly.

I can see why you are upset....the favouritism is hard to stomach sometimes.

Changing2011 · 06/03/2011 08:34

HOW IS IT FAVOURITISM - Sister has not had a baby yet - OP is on her third!!!!

God some of you women think having a baby means everyone elses life has to revolve around YOU.

It doesnt. Becaroo - my Mum and Stepdad took their kids on holiday the fortnight before I was due - SO WHAT. I have my DP who made the child with me! All I need.

jenga079 · 06/03/2011 08:36

Have you actually asked outright for her help? Many mothers (quite rightly!) wouldn't start planning trips to see their new grandchildren or to help with a birth without being asked for all the reasons we see on here when grandparents have turned up unannounced & expect to be involved. As all of the others have said, she probably doesn't realise you need her help.

Is it at all possible she felt you had 'chosen' DH's family over her last time & is worried about being 'snubbed' again? (quote marks because I'm not suggesting that's what you did, but there's a chance it's how she felt)

Becaroooo · 06/03/2011 08:36

Why rely on school scheme books?

Read his own books with him at home - whatever he wants, fiction, non fiction, poetry.

Dont get too worked up about "levels" and "stages" just read with him and encourage a love of books (which it sounds like you are doing anyway!)

Becaroooo · 06/03/2011 08:43

ooops, posted on the wrong thread!!! Sorry!!!

changing sigh. You know nothing about me or my family situation. My parents have favoured my sister and brother all my life - to the point where other family members have taken them to task about it.....It gets you down after a while.

My sister booked the holiday deliberately as she knew it would upset me. It worked.

Sadly, my ds1 was born early and very poorly and I was pretty ill too afterwards. My dh, of course, had to go back to work after a week and ds1 was still in hospital. Not a fun time.

I suppose my idea was that my mother night want to "be there" for me. I was wrong.

When my sisters on was born my mum was her birth partner and actually left her job to look after him for 18 months for my sister.

I can understand why the OP is upset.

You cant.

Fair enough.

You are super clever and amazing to do it all yourself, obviously

Original poster

DosieRosie · 06/03/2011 08:50

Thank you all for your replies. I am too embarrassed to ask my mother outright as I have already spoken to her about my fears and she didn't say anything. Changing2011 I can assure you that I'm not in the slightest bit jealous of my sister. I am delighted for her, and have shownmy delight my being constantly there for her when she has wanted to talk about her worries during this pregnancy. Infact it was she who wasn't impressed with me when I told her that I was expecting and she told me. My only problem is worrying about childcare. Maybe I am be bring completely unreasonable expecting a little bit of support from my own family. My mother. I am willing to just pay someone, hire a temporary child minder but they may not be available during the night. Coralanne you sound like a fantastic mum and grandmother. We would be completely willing to pay for the flights. My mother had her own mother out to help her on a weekly basis, she didn't work. I dunno I guess I have a strange relationship with my mother and I just have to suck that up. Thanks for taking the to reply.
Dosie Rosie

OP posts:

Georgimama · 06/03/2011 08:54

If you aren't prepared to come out and say to her "mum I need your help, please help me" then yes you will just have to suck it up, unfortunately.

Becaroooo · 06/03/2011 08:55

I would agree with the other poster....if you can afford it, could you hire a doula? They come out whatever tine of day or night it is and your dh could stay home with the dc and she could be your support/help during labour and birth. Perhaps a student doula/midwife would do it for free for the experience??????????

I have not experienced great midwives tbh...labour wards are just too busy for them to give a woman 1-1 attention which is what you need when giving birth.

Really hope it works out for you x

Original poster

DosieRosie · 06/03/2011 08:55

Jenga it just happened that I lived close to dh's familial it made sense to be able to drop dd1 to them when I went into labour. My own parents lived a five hour drive from us at that time but were into see the new baby the next day.

OP posts:

Becaroooo · 06/03/2011 08:56

Families are complex georgi Sometimes its just not that easy.

Changing2011 · 06/03/2011 08:57

Becca - I didnt have to do it all myself - my mother made it to the birth and was super delighted with her grandchild thanks very much

So, DR - why did you get pregnant again if you are so worried about childcare for your other children.... surely they are your first concern and if you dont want outside help (i.e. a babysitter) you should have had rock solid plans in place if you and your DP are not available.

hairylights · 06/03/2011 08:58

The part that is unreasonable is the "expecting " part but I understand you'd like some support. Your pregnancy , your children, your choice, your responsibility.

Georgimama · 06/03/2011 08:59

Families re complex? Gosh, thank you for pointing that out. I had no idea.

MillsAndDoom · 06/03/2011 09:00

Could you prime your dsis to say something to your Mum?

Or ask DH to ring her and say something along the lines of - "we're trying to work out our childcare arrangements for when baby arrives and wondered if you'd be coming over?"

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