to expect a little support from family?

[DosieRosie]

Hi there,

I am due my 3rd baby this summer. My sister is due her 1st baby about a month and a half before me. Neither of us lives near each other or our parents. I have no family or extended family near by, either on my side or DH's side. I have not been living here long enough to have a support system in place with friends etc I am worried sick about what my childcare arrangements will be when I go into labour. I have aired my concerns to my mother and she didn't offer to help. However whenever I am on the phone with my mother she mentions her planned trip to my sisters at the time of due date, booking flights etc. Now don't get me wrong I appreciate that she'll want to see her grandchild and of course it's exciting, but I find her lack of concern for me very hard to stomach at the moment. For instance the other day I was telling her how my apt went with the doctor and she cut me off to tell me about her flight arrangements. We had some family issues before Christmas and I feel like I'm being punished. Am I being unreasonable to expect a little help? I never ask for much from them. For my last pregnancy DH's family looked after dd1 when I was in labour as we lived near them at that time.

Thanks for listening
DR

Changing because I wanted a baby very much and I thought ( foolishly) that I would get support but as I said I will just hire help but will I feel bitter, yes why because my mother is being really mean. I am sorry that you don't agree with me but that's how it is. I never ask them for anything .

changing Well, arent you lucky to have such a good relationship with your mother? ffs. Perhaps the OPs pregnancy wasnt planned? Ever think of that??????

OP, it seems MN policy to deride women for wanting/expecting help from family members when they are expecting a baby/giving birth. Dont know why...maybe it makes them feel better about themselves to make other people feel bad???

Who knows?

Perhaps you could post on another board re: advice on getting a doula????

So you didnt ask them first despite expecting quite a lot.... yabu. And sound a little inconsiderate to your mother - is she not allowed a life or to revel in your sisters firstborn? You can afford a doula. Or I will send my MIL over to you, she is dying to go to a real life birth and she sure as hell wont be coming to one of mine

If my Mother had turned around and said "sorry darling cant make it to the birth due to other arrangements" I would of been hurt. So I understand that - but it was my first baby.

OP is surely experienced by now.... I think if her sister wasnt sprogging she wouldnt bat an eyelid. But them Im a cynical old bitch.

My dh has just said he will ask his patents to be on standby, they are older but they had offered already and I didn't want to take advantage. My dc go to schoolcir a coupleof hours a day, I'll pay ababysitter for the evenings and then will have the grandparents in the house at night so itwont be too tiring for them.

I think it's fair enough to want some support but sometimes you have to just come out and ask for it. My Mum would never assume she was coming to help me out unless I actually asked her and really needed the help. It would have to be an emergency to be honest - she lives on the other side of the country and works full time.

You can only ask op but you have to be prepared for the answer to be a no. I can understand that you'd find that upsetting - as would I - but such is life.

Someone further up suggested a doula. Good idea if you can.

hope it all works out for you x

Can I just say chancy that my sister is due to give birth roughly two months before me and I'm not expecting her to choose. My parents plant come over after the birth of my baby to zed there new grandchild, so why not come a little earlier when I have express my concerns to my mother. And finally forgive me but I thought all children were important. Did you you have anymore children yourself, did your mother help out with those. I know the real prob is my mother is holding a grudge against me since before Christmas so i will sort it out on my own. I hope I can be a better mother and grandmother than her . Thanks for your opinion

Sorry that should read Changing. Sorry for all the typos

I think you need to ask your mother those questions, rather than a bunch of strangers on the internet. You sound very angry and as so often happens on this forum, you are misdirecting that anger at the people who have taken the time to respond to you. if you aren't prepared to discuss the issues with your mother, they aren't going to get resolved. Simple as that.

DR - My mum would of but she died. Life is too short for this shite, your mum will love all your children the same in some part of her, like Georgi says talk to her not us and get this resolved so that you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

You say you have never asked your mother for anything... Well that's the problem. She doesn't have ESP, she probably thinks you don't need her because you have never asked her for anything and you are fully independent and she's felt redundant for many years.

If you want help - ask. You sound very proud. That's great but not when you are internally ripping yourself and her mentally to shreds. The worst she can say is no. Then you can ask why/explode etc and air the underlying issues you have with each other.

Georgimama, I have thanked everyone who has taken the time to felons to my thread. I am not angry, and I am not angry eith Changing because she doednt agree with me. I am just answering the questions she has put to me.
Changing I am sorry you lost your mother.

Pancakeflipper what I meant was, I never expect my mother to do
much babysitting as in when we visit I don't take advantage, I help out a lot with cleaning etc invited them on holidays with us. I am not proud I was on the phone telling her that I was worried about when the yimf of the birth came how would I cope etc so imay not have asked directly but she knows I am concerned. I wasn't try to beat around the bush but was talking about it and afterwards it dawned on me that she didn't try to say something which may offer some comfort. This isn't a stranger I'm talking about, it's my mother.

Georgimama I admit when I was asked why did I go ahead and get pregnant when I didn't have a support network in place I was angry.

If you're not prepared to ask your Mum directly for help then you're being unreasonable, she may be your Mum but she's not a mind reader. I'd love it if everyone of my family and friends knew exactly what I wanted them to do based on a few hints I'd dropped but life doesn't work like that.

It wasn't a few hints though, I was saying that our regular babysitter was leaving to go home (unplanned) that I was really worried about what if I went into labour in the middle of the night who could I get to look after the children. It's because she said nothing that I feel there is no point in asking because if she had wanted to help out she would have said at that time well let's see if we can work something out. My mother knows that at the moment I have no childcare in place for the labour but everytime I talk about the baby she cuts me off usually to tell me more about her plans to visit my sister. Look maybe I am coming across as petty, I assure you I'm not, jealous I guess of people who have supportive families. Thanks for responding.

'Mum, can I ask you if you will help me when I have the baby?'

Wait for a yay or nay.
FGS, get a grip and ask.

Her mum isnt a mind reader but I think its pretty obvious that she needs some help during the birth and she hasnt offered which says it all really.

You are not unreasonable to expect help, she is your mother after all, I couldnt imagine not helping my daughter during such stressful time.

Hope you can work something out.

OP-As others have said, I expect your mother is more anxious about your sister because you have done it all before twice!
She clearly hasn't appreciated the childcare issue that you will face with the other two when you go into labour! Perhaps you do need to be more direct with her and ask her if she can help whilst you are in labour. Failing that, you need to try to speak to any local friends/ neighbours.
I really appreciate how hard the situation is for you. I have 3DC and had to take DD1 (2 1/2 yrs) to the birth of my DS (number 2 DC) as we had moved just 3 weeks before and didn't know anyone. Third time around, I managed to go into labour on a friend's day off work and she very kindly took the others! It was stressful though as I did feel that potentially asking someone to get out of bed at 3am to look after your DC was a big thing!

changing- I think some of your comments are harsh eg ? why did you get pregnant if you had no support? As you only have 1 DC and did have very good support, it is probably impossible for you to appreciate how stressful it can be to have to worry about other children when you are in pain. Believe me the birth of a second, third, or subsequent children, etc are no less significant to a mother/father than the first. Perhaps you will see that if you have another DC in the future.