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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be bloody grateful I don't mind.

40 replies

Poxykids · 05/03/2011 16:16

DH and I were supposed to be having a night away at friend's birthday. I can't do as DCs have chicken pox. I'm really disappointed as we don't see our friend's very often and haven't had a night away for 18 months.

DH has gone. I don't mind him going and he offered to stay but I figured that there was no point us both sitting at home being miserable and they just want to watch tv anyway.

But I was expecting more from DH. No lie in this morning, no grand gestures. I went out to get haircut (originally for tonight Sad) and when I came back he hadn't tidied up, cleared lunch things, made bed, nothing.

When I said I was upset about it he got all huffy and said I obviously don't want him to go and he would cancel.

But that's not what I want. I just want him to acknowledge that it is rotten for me and that he will make it up to me.

Am I being a martyr or should he have done more.

I may cry.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 05/03/2011 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 16:20

You are being a martyr. Why should he make grand gestures? He should have cleared away the lunch things and made the bed though. If that's your idea of a grand gesture (I hope it isn't) you've got bigger problems than one missed night away.

crystalglasses · 05/03/2011 16:21

I think yabu. If he doesn't normally do things like this and you haven't told him you expect him to, how can he know? A generalisation I know, but unfortunately men aren't naturally sensitive to our feelings.

Tee2072 · 05/03/2011 16:23

Yes, you are being a martyr and I think he's right. You don't want him to go.

If you need him to do things, ask him to do things. Don't expect him to read your mind.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 16:24

What Georgimama said.

FranSanDisco · 05/03/2011 16:24

I probably would have had to tell DH to do the dishes etc and would feel as you do. You are only a martyr if you came in and did the clearing away and bed making yourself. I'd have come back and sat down and told DH to sort it all out. I would have been a bit pissed off though.

activate · 05/03/2011 16:25

DP would have at least done breakfast in bed, run me a bath, bought me flowers in this kind of instance

so no I don't think you're being a martyr, and I also think other people's expectations of their partners are low

fedupofnamechanging · 05/03/2011 16:26

YANBU. He should have cleared up. Personally, I think he should stay and help you with the sick children too, even if you have offered to do it yourself!

Flisspaps · 05/03/2011 16:27

YABU.

You're being a martyr. If he'd gone out for a haircut and come back to find the house wasn't tidy, would he be all disappointed?

You've told him to go tonight, he's offered to stay in and you've still told him to go. I don't see why he has anything to make up?

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 16:28

No, my expectations aren't low. my husband would have cleared away lunch and made the bed without being trained like a dog or sulked at, regardless of the missed night out. He just would have done so because he is an adult human being who also lives here.

I just don't need to be pandered to like a spoiled five year old who didn't get to go to the party.

defineme · 05/03/2011 16:28

Similar thing happened to me this morning, except i had a go at dh for no reason in particular because I've had a hard week and not looking forward to being on my own with kids. I have since apologised to dh via text and told him to have a good weekend. He repled saying he'd do the ironing when he got back!

Tbh you sound a bit full on re the bed and so on, but then I wouldn't have done most of that list either and I love the hairdressers because I consider it a rest. My night out after hairdressers was cancelled this month too-dh went to gig without me cos dc were ill.

Are you faiar about htese things? Dh went to that gig cos I'd been to one the week before. I have a lie in on Saturdays and he does on Sundays. Will he stay at home with dc if they're ill when this happens again. If not you're being a martyr and need to put a fair system in plce.

He should acknowledge it's rotten for you, but it's not his job to make it up to you-it's no ones's fault, just make sure he knows it's your turn next.

hairylights · 05/03/2011 16:28

Ya u and a martyr. You sound really immature.

ashamedandconfused · 05/03/2011 16:29

I also think people have low expectations on this thread activate

DH knows coping with ill kids is no fun and would have certainly made sure some of the basics like dishes were done before scarpering - he would have also asked and asked again whether I wanted to go instead

silverfrog · 05/03/2011 16:30

I don't think you're being a martyr.

when we went to visit dss last weekend, dh went out for dinner with dss one night, leaving me back at the holiday let with our 2 small girls.

when he came back, he brought me a crunchie (my favourite) - just a little thought to say thank you for not minding, iyswm?

he and dss could have stayed with me, as they did the following night, and had a nice super in. but it was nice for them to go out to dinner - nice because of the meal, a treat for student dss, and also nice ot spend some time together.

I didn't mind on all of the above, and wouldn't have noticed if dh hadn't borught me back anyhting.

but he did, it was just a little thought ot sya thank you for helping htis to happen - and I don't think it is unreasonable of the OP to expect just a little somehting (anythign!) to say that.

Flisspaps · 05/03/2011 16:31

I do not have low expectations of my DH. If the circumstances were reversed and I was looking after sick DC then I wouldn't have bothered making the bed or tidying up either.

Original poster
Poxykids · 05/03/2011 16:33

I don't expect him to do all of those things, or particularly make it up to me. I just expect him to do SOMETHING that would have made my life easier whilst he is away.

I would have done the same if role's were reversed (although they rarely are). Not because I am a trained dog but because it would have been a considerate thing to do.

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 05/03/2011 16:34

erm honestly, my DH would not have gone and would probably have made a fuss over dinner and wine to compensate for my disappointment.

on the odd occasion he has been out and left me at home (because I have not been bothered or couldn't get a sitter) I wouldn't expect any gestures at all.

So if this is about your DP not sympathising over how disappointed you are then YANBU, but doing the housework isn't what I would call sympathising anyway

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 16:37

Well as your husband didn't do anything to make your life easier (does he usually? sounds like not - why is that?) did you actually say "could you clear the table/stack dishwasher/make the bed"? Or did you just look wounded and resentful and make it into a row?

unfitmother · 05/03/2011 16:42

My DH wouldn't go without me.

Original poster
Poxykids · 05/03/2011 16:43

He's actually normally quite good at that kind of thing. Normally he has lie in on Saturday and me on Sunday. I asked him to swap this morning as I'd only had 4 hours sleep and he refused, saying he would be too tired to go out if he did.

I think that bothers me most.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 05/03/2011 16:47

dripfeed!!! too tired to go out? what time do kids get up?

Original poster
Poxykids · 05/03/2011 16:49

DS2 woke up at 6.

OP posts:
IAmTheCookieMonster · 05/03/2011 16:52

6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

diddl · 05/03/2011 16:59

My husband wouldn´t have gone.
2 ill children?

One each to look after!

Original poster
Poxykids · 05/03/2011 17:02

If it had been D&v he wouldn't have gone as I would have needed him here. But ad it is it's just cuddling on sofa to be administered and I'm happy to do that :-D

OP posts: